Why You’re not Getting What You Want in Your Relationship

You’ve been chasing what you want in your relationship for so long and you feel like you’ll never get it! You have a picture of your perfect relationship but for some reason it’s not coming to life. Your partner isn’t doing what they’re supposed to do and you keep getting frustrated. There are some big answers for why your “perfect relationship” is not happening – here they are!

No Clear Goals

If you want a happy marriage with attraction, fun, and intimacy – then you likely won’t get it. Guess why? That’s right! It’s way too general. How will you know when you’re marriage is happy? What signs would tell you that you’re attracted to one another? Does “fun” mean the same thing to you both? Do you both have the same idea of intimacy and/or how often intimacy should happen?

When you picture what you want in your relationship, create a very clear picture. If you want attraction, say “I’d look at my partner, they’d look me in the eyes, and we would feel the same connection as we did when we first met.” If your goal is to have heightened intimacy, define what it means to you. Does it mean that you will hold hands daily, kiss hello/goodbye, and have sex 3 times per week? The more you can picture what those big words (attraction, fun, intimacy, etc.) will look like in your relationship, the more you can measure and achieve success.

You Are Not A Part of Your Relationship Goal

If your goal is to have a partner that kisses/hugs you, supports you, and compliments you, then what are you doing that would make your partner want to do that? When your goals are based on your partners actions – you will never get to your goal. Do not play on your phone, ignore your partner, complain constantly, and expect positive actions from your partner. Think about what you would do in your goals in order to make your ideal relationship happen.

The reason you are not getting what you want in your relationship is because you have no clear goals and/or you are not a part of your relationship goal. In order to get EXACTLY what you want, define your relationship goals and make them clear/specific. Also, make sure to incorporate yourself into the goal. If you have high expectations for your partner, make sure you are contributing the positive actions that can make those expectations come to life.

Chris Cummins Marriage Counselor

About The Author

Chris Cummins is a couples counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado. He focuses on working with with couples in high conflict and couples who are experiencing substance abuse. Living in Colorado, Chris enjoys hiking traveling and anything else outdoors.

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