As a man, if you’re reading this it likely has a significant impact on you if your girlfriend/wife isn’t climaxing as much, or at all when you have sex. Many couples that I see for sex therapy have experienced this in their relationship. The problem is that they didn’t decide to get help until their sex life became much worse. And now your partner’s lack of orgasm has lead you to feeling insecure, and has created distance between you both.
How Does This Affect You?
Why does your wife’s lack of climax have this effect on you? A huge factor is how people (men in ) are socialized and taught how to think about sex. Specifically that sex is a performance, and for many men, your wife not climaxing is a reflection of your failure. This is a very uncomfortable and insecure place for you, feeling like a failure in your sexuality. It will usually bring out your defense mechanisms: blaming your wife, becoming suspicious of infidelity, or even starting to avoid sex. These will all build resentments toward your wife that hurt your relationship. This distance makes it harder and harder to actually have an effective discussion about your sex life.
Not understanding your partner also has a huge impact on how you interact and approach the subject. For many couples, the lack of an orgasm doesn’t have the same impact on both partners. In this case, it might be bothering you much more than your wife. Why is this? In short, a big factor goes back to how you are socialized, and what the incentives for sex are. For many women, sex can be more of a way to be connected, close, and intimate with their partner. So naturally, if you’re socialized to emphasize a climax, you’re going to be more distressed than your wife if she emphasizes closeness. This isn’t to say that men only want to climax during sex and women are indifferent about it, but to include the possibility that you have different priorities in sex.
Ok, you have more of an understanding of yourself and why this is a problem for you. What can you do about it?
Explore Your Wife’s Values about Sex
You already know what you think is important during sex. But don’t assume that your wife thinks the same. Ask her what she likes about sex, and what’s most important to her. If she says that she really values an orgasm, that tells you that you’re both on the same page in wanting to increase that. If she says that she values the closeness and fun that the two of you have, that will hopefully take some pressure off that you’re putting on yourself to bring her to orgasm.
Be Open to Trying New Things
If you and your wife both want to increase the prevalence of a climax, try new things. A significant hindrance to your sex life could be that the way you view sex is too rigid. Many couples that I see have gotten into a routine that is very rigid: missionary sex with little foreplay right before they go to sleep. Trying a new position, including a toy, or having sex in a different room or time can all help broaden what you can receive pleasure from. Incorporating a vibrator can take care of two birds with one stone. It will serve the purpose of adding something new to your sex life, and vibrators are extremely effective at bringing a woman to orgasm. It is actually one of the first suggestions that some sex therapists make for women with anorgasmia.
Even if you both agree to work on increasing the frequency of climaxing, make it fun. Look at it as a chance to enhance your sex life instead of a test that you pass or fail. Use it as a time to be connected and present, to be touched, and to touch your partner.
About the Author
Ben King is a Marriage and Family Therapist Candidate at The Marriage and Family Clinic who focuses on working with couples experiencing sexual difficulties. In his spare time Ben loves to cook and is secretly aspiring to be the next Iron Chef