So, it happened to you. Maybe once, maybe multiple times. Maybe it was a stranger and you’re asking yourself the questions, “why me,” “what did I do for this to happen? Perhaps it was someone you knew, someone you should’ve trusted and you’re asking yourself, “how did I not see the signs,” “how did I let this happen to me,” “maybe it wasn’t what I think it was,” or painfully, “I was a child, why did no one protect me?”

I’m here to tell you it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t “let” this happen. Someone hurt you and now it’s affecting you, maybe your relationships, and for many, your relationship with yourself, your body, and with sex and intimacy.

If talking, or reading, about sexual assault it too difficult, please be kind to yourself and exit this page and return when you’re ready.

Is it time to ask for help?

The response to a sexual assault is a subjective one, varying from person to person. A lot of time I see people coming in having flashbacks, they struggle to have orgasms in intimacy, they struggle to have any desire at all. Some folks actually lean into having intimacy but emotionally connecting and being vulnerable with their partner is a challenge. I’ve worked with folks who as a result of this violation, struggle to advocate for themselves in life beyond intimacy. Think work, friendships, returning a food or beverage that was made incorrectly. The list goes on and on and on.

The best answer of when is it time to ask for helps is: when you’re ready. Ready is a subjective term because one person might be ready to dive into the impact of their trauma within weeks of the occurrence, others can take up to years, even decades to be ready to truly unpack this. That’s where the use of a good therapist can come in. If you’re not sure you’re ready to talk about your sexual abuse, a good counselor can help you talk about your readiness and if you feel like you’re there. No stress, no pressure. They can help you unpack what impacts you feel it has had and if it’s something you feel you need to address or if it’s something that really isn’t affecting you too badly. Again, no stress. No pressure.

What if you’re in a relationship?

A lot of survivors come to see me in therapy because their trauma is impacting their relationship. They find themselves having a hard time trusting, having the same fights over and over again and not knowing how to get “unstuck”. They also find themselves having reactive arguments and not knowing how they got so reactive so quickly. How the relationship is being impacted and how your partner is being impacted is unique to the individuals and the relationship. As a trained sex therapist who helps sexual abuse survivors triumph over their abuse, I make sure that therapy is unique to you. Still, healing trauma for one person is a collaborative journey for both. This could look like couples therapy in tandem with individual therapy, or it can look like individual therapy with partner “visits” in session.

The order of operations, how this therapeutic journey can, or should, look and how much the partner is involved is a decision for you, the survivor. No one else.

How a sex therapist can help

Historically, when someone decides to start their healing journey their first stop tends to be a trauma therapist and that is wonderful! Trauma specialists have extensive trainings on tools like EMDR, identifying patterns, triggers, providing the survivor with skills and tools to navigate these things in the future, etc. Sex therapists have a unique education and training with the intersection of intimacy, pleasure, and trauma that they can take you as a survivor to the next step of applying what was learned from trauma counseling and put it into action in a healthy relationship. We also help you in the specific atmosphere of your sexual relationship to make sure you have a pleasurable, free and safe sex life.

Many sex therapists are training in trauma, allowing them to serve both roles for you, while others may not have pursued a specific trauma training that you’re interested in as a client. Like with any therapy and healing, this is a journey that is fully customizable to you and your needs.

Sex therapy can be a huge impact on someone who has survived sexual trauma as a lot of sexual trauma work is peeling back the layers of understanding what happened and how it’s impacting the present to inform the future. This can be an intimidating journey and process, but sex therapists are there to provide a safe, judgement free, shame free, victim blaming free space to all survivors to help them have the relationship with intimacy they want.