Your friends have said it, your favorite television show has said it, and your therapist has said it. To have a satisfying sex life, you need to be able to talk about it. Easier said than done! Even though you’ve heard it a hundred times there are a million barriers standing in the way of you and your partner talking about sex. So here are some tips to go through the gateway to better and more sex by getting to the point that you can have an open conversation about it:
Tips to a more Satisfying Sex Life
1. Let Go Of Guilt/Shame/Embarrassment
You may have some guilt about your sexual thoughts and desires. So, you keep those kinds of thoughts to yourself out of fear that you will be judged by your partner or by others if they found out. In order to be fully comfortable in your relationship and to begin discussing sex openly, you need to let go of those feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Let go by: accepting yourself, recognizing that everyone has unique sexual thoughts and desires, and scratching the idea of expressing those thoughts with your partner.
In addition to doing this process for yourself, help your partner out with it as well. Those thoughts of guilt/shame/embarrassment are so normal that your partner is likely feeling them too. To create a loving and open environment to talk about those things, do not judge or condemn your partner when they begin to be open with you about their unique thoughts and desires. Creating this feeling of safety lays a loving foundation for intimacy and a strong sexual relationship to grow.
2. Ask Questions You’ve Never Asked About Sex
Before diving into difficult conversations about sex, graze the surface by answering intimate questions that you may not know the answers to. It is eye-opening to do questionnaire exercises with your partner such as this Love Map. When you get to know your partner on a deeper emotional level, then you feel a stronger and more intimate physical connection. Try out several questionnaires to get closer to each other!
3. Joke About It
If you still are not at the point that you can have a full-on dialogue with your partner, start making casual jokes about sex. This type of communication creates a light, carefree, and fun way of addressing the topic of sex. You can joke around by making flirty sexual comments to your partner or including sexual innuendo in your conversations. These comments are a natural progression into deeper, more meaningful discussions.
4. Talk About it
After trying one, two, or three of these tips, you are ready to openly talk with your partner. What is important for you to know about sex in your relationship and what are you genuinely curious about? Maybe you want to know what turns them on, what turns them off, or if they like that special thing you do. Begin the conversation with a genuine curiosity, open mind, and sexy attitude. No one likes an overly-logical thinker when you are trying to create a loving and intimate mood. Initiate the conversation in a non-intimidating and comfortable environment for the most positive outcome.
Having safe and open conversations is the gateway to more and better sex. To go down this gateway: let go of guilt/shame/embarrassment; ask questions you’ve never asked; and joke about it. Letting go of negative feelings will help you to accept yourself and create an open environment for your partner to feel accepted too. Asking questions you’ve never asked will increase emotional intimacy which is essential for a strong physical connection. Lastly, joking about it is an easy way to open the door to talking about sex which naturally progresses to deeper and more meaningful conversations. Try out one or all of these tips to begin talking openly with your partner so you can have a more satisfying sex life.
About The Author
Chris Cummins is a couples counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado. He focuses on working with with couples in high conflict and couples who are experiencing substance abuse. Living in Colorado, Chris enjoys hiking traveling and anything else outdoors.