“She Never Wants Sex!”

Wow! I had a lot of responses from people about my last post where one of my readers had a problem that her husband always wants sex. Lots of people wrote me telling me about how that post really spoke to them and was really fitting for their situation. I even had one husband write me about a typical reciprocal problem: “My Wife Never Wants Sex”. I thought it would be a good followup to my last post. So with his permission (and all identifying information removed) here is his letter as well as my response.

What About Spouses Like Me Whose Spouse Never Wants to Have Sex?


Dear Aaron,

I loved your last blog post about the husband who always wants sex. It was good to see there are other couples out there like me and my wife. I do have one complaint, though. Your article was for the person whose spouse always wants sex and what they can do to help their situation. What about the other side of the coin? What about those spouses (like me) whose spouse never wants sex?


I feel like I need sex in order to really feel connected with my wife. Like you said in your last post, it’s one thing we share in our relationship that we don’t share with anyone else. So sex is really important to me because it helps me feel connected with her in a way I can’t (and don’t want to) connect with anyone else. It really makes me feel loved when we have sex. The problem is she never wants to. And when she tells me no, I feel really rejected. A person can only take so much rejection before it really begins to eat at them. And it’s really eating at me. I wonder if she even really loves me in that way or if she thinks of me more like a roommate than a lover.

It seems like she’s always trying to find reasons not to have sex


It’s gotten to the point where I’ll try to initiate sex with her and she starts asking me questions like “What time is it?” or “are any of the kids awake?” It seems to me like she’s trying to find excuses not to have sex with me. No matter how I answer the questions it seems like she uses that as a reason to not have sex. She’ll say that she’s not in the mood to have sex because the kids are still awake…or that she’s not in the mood  because the kids are asleep and she just wants “down” time. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, she never wants sex.

Any information you can give for the one who is always being rejected sexually by their spouse would really be helpful.

Sincerely,

Feeling Rejected.

Dear Feeling Rejected,

I’m also sorry for your situation. Lots of spouses come to see me for marriage counseling with stories similar to yours: one spouse doesn’t want sex as much as the other which leaves the one who wants it more feeling rejected and pushed aside. The rejected spouse also expresses  wonder about whether their spouse really loves them or if they think of them more like a roommate. This is really typical. Thanks for letting me share it on my blog because I think this will be helpful with a lot of people.

The Low Desire Partner Controls When, Where and How Often Sex Occurs


As I mentioned in my previous post, in EVERY relationship there’s a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And in EVERY relationship the LDP determines when, where and how often sex occurs. The LDP doens’t realize they have this sort of control. In their mind, they feel like the HDP is the one who has control because the HDP is the one who who is always initiating it – the LDP doesn’t have a chance to initiate because the HDP is always doing it.

In addition, the LDP usually feels pressured to have sex because the HDP makes advances so often. So even the times when they want to have sex they feel like they’re just giving in to the pressure. This results in them feeling like they’re not having the sex they really want. Especially since (as mentioned above) they never get a chance to initiate it which means they’re even less likely to have sex exactly when, where and how they want it.

As the HDP who is always being rejected, one thing you can do is to express your sexual desire in terms of connection and intimacy and not just about sex. Instead of saying “Hey honey, you in the mood?” You could try saying something like “I’ve been downstairs thinking about you and how great you are to me all the time”. and then make a sexual advance. The first one might have the intention of connecting but she won’t hear it that way. The second is much more clear that you’ve been having connecting thoughts and want to share that connection with her sexually.

Give Your Spouse a Road Sign


Another thing you can do is give your spouse a road sign about what she can do to help you feel less rejected. Sometimes she just won’t want to have sex. You can’t expect her to have sex every time you want – that’s selfish. But she can not want to have sex AND help you not feel rejected at the same time. She can say things like “Honey, I’m not in the mood right now but what can I do to show you that I still love and want you?”. Or “Honey I’m not in the mood, but what can I do help you come?” She probably doesn’t want you to feel rejected. She just needs you to give her a road sign of how she can do that and still not feel pressured to have sex anyway.

Regards,

Aaron

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327 Responses to “She Never Wants Sex!”

  1. How about the opposite situation, when the husband never wants sex? I expressed my feelings, frustrations, took upon myself to find books, articles, even bent so far to his will that it's was a couple of months before we would connect and even then it was a rushed time. I have tried everything from asking him to go to counseling, talking, crying, writing things down, angry, frustrated etc. He never listened or would discuss anything not even to compromise. Fed up with being the roommate, unwanted, desired and taken for granted.

  2. Sorry for the slow response anonymous. I'll put it in another post. In the mean time, there's a little info about when you're the higher desire partner in my post about She never wants sex. Sure, it's about a wife who never wants sex but you can change the gender in the article and it almost all applies still. I'll write an article about it for you, though, if you'd like. Here's the article: http://blog.themarriageandfamilyclinic.com/2012/11/she-never-wants-sex.html

  3. There is always a simple explanation for this, whether that be emotional problems, or just some form of sexual problem that they are embarrassed about. Whatever it is, the best thing to do would be to speak to them about it and try and resolve the problem together.

  4. Personally I think that some men do not understand the life of a mother or how we are feeling when in their mind it is time to have sex. In my life I spent all day at university, when I get home I spend time with my son (not enough time) then I start cooking and cleaning while trying to spend more time with my son and finding time to workout. My significant other comes home around 5pm while I'm cooking and from the time he comes home until the time he sleeps he has his "me time". When all is done, everyone is fed and my son is bathed I put him to bed and then clean up again. When all this is done, Then I have time for myself to catch up on my favourite TV show, or take an extra long bath or even just go on a walk for fresh air but my spouse wants me to forget about what I want to do with my time and expects me to run upstairs and get naked which is the last thing on my list of things to do. I mean I love to make love with him but Im not always thinking about it or wanting it, if there is time or if you want to wait for me thats fine but to me love is when he will come spend time with us because HE wants to, when he would help me out with one of my tidious chores, if im laying down come cuddle with me not try to "stick it in". I am exausted every day when my jobs are done but my hubby doesn't get that. Helping me out once in while would mean so much more to me than 20 minutes of humping and moaning. Just my personal opinion.

  5. Hi Kyla,

    You sound like you have a pretty good definition of meaningful sex. There is sometimes place in a relationship for sex just to have sex but these should be a minority (40% or less)of times. Sex should be a loving and intimately connecting experience for a couple. It sounds like you're exhausted at the end of the day and have a hard time feeling into it. Maybe try telling your spouse what he can do to help you get in the mood without just wanting to do it for the sake of doing it.

    • Hi Kayla,

      I completely hear what you are saying because I am dealing with the same issue with my spouse. When I tell him it’s always abot sex isnt it he says no. He loves me and I make him horny and he is attrated to me, which I am super happy that is why. B yt?ur In the end I am not always “in the mood” too and then he says that he should make me in the mood. But it’s not a light switch, iit’s a feeling that a person feels.
      As for me I would like to have that romance again. And i have told him that he has lost his romance to get me to want to have sex. As answering his question to what could he do to get me to want to have sex.
      I feel terrrible id I dont accomidate him to have sex. So I am asking dor advice as to what can I do to make myself get in the mood?

      Wondering

      • Hi wondering,

        At times, sex can be an itch that needs scratching or it can be for passion and connection. The truth is, it’s usually a little bit of both and changes from time to time. If you’re feeling like sex is just an itch that needs scratching to him suggest some things to do that will create more romance and passion in the relationship. As for what you can do to get in the mood: Why don’t you try making an advance? Setup a romantic night, dress up nice, and go out and have some fun. By the end of the night you’ll usually find that you’re in the mood for a good time.

  6. Lmfao! '20 minutes of humping and moaning' wow and you're having a chick fit about giving in for twenty, fiery, hardcore minutes out your day for things you'd love to induldge in? I understand you have your life and were not in stone aged times or even twenty years ago for that matter, but at the same time don't you see that your man all he wants is a little tlc?.. I personally feel more obliged to do housework and clean poopy diapers after a nice round of hot steamy sex..any men in here can reckon with this?..not to mention why wouldn't my wife want to when I'm sticking my head in between her pelvis and groins?.. look all I'm saying is the term and expression happy wife happy life is not always the case… what about have some sex and lets take care of business after the business has been finished? Get my drift. I don't understand why ol' high and mighty anderson won't get off his high horse and tell it how it is. Men always have to do something in order to achieve what the wife wants or needs..whether he has to watch a little sportscenter, smoke something or have a drink, a man loves to feel like a king and a wife who always a ldp isn't helping the cause for her or the family. Sex is the biggest way for men to connect with their lady.. not the next fling that comes strolling by. Its a reason why we have strong desire in deep relationship like marriage or whenever children are present. Men tend to base relationships off physical attraction and what they see opposed to women they love a story…women always look for man to game them u which is where I have to agree with aaron on giving your Leo a road sign.. communication is also key.

  7. Hey Harun,

    You're right when you say that men feel more inclined to do things for their spouse when they feel their sexual needs are being met. This shouldn't be the only thing, though. Sex is just one important part of the relationship. There are lots of other ways you can feel important and loved and like "you're a king" as you say. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Sex is great but you can't have sex be the only thing that makes you feel like a king – especially if you're not getting it that often. There are many more.

    Does your partner know that sex helps you feel more connected to her and makes you want to be more available to her? Communicate with her but make sure not to get angry or else it becomes a fight…not a communication anymore.

  8. Hi, i'm married since nearly 20 years and the last 5 or 6 i've been noticed a decrease of my sexual desire to the point that nowdays i'm not having any, so this cause unfurnatelly a lot of fights between my husband and I, I feel really really sad for this, and I've tried to change that but really can't do so much, when I went to my doctor, told him about this problem but didn't give me any solution, so right now I feel lost and helpless to improve my relationship.
    what could u advice to do? Thanks a lot for your time.

  9. Its a cop out. Whatever the excuse is, is just an excuse. The person in the relationship that has the lowest drive is the one that is making the other persons life miserable.

    People with high drives should only be together with other people with high drives and those with low drives should only be with others with low drives.

    Dont go to counselling, dont go to therapy, dont try to work it out. Just get a divorce or break up. You will only be beating a dead horse and nothing will change and you will be miserable. Break up, find someone new that matches you exactly. Only then will it work.

    • MrRight is Right!! I’m in that situation now for over 10 years. My partner is the no sex drive. She gives me the excuse of menopause. Yeah whatever. It started at 42? She has issues. It won’t change and that’s what she tells me. She says she loves me but there will never be sex again. I’m so done being controlled by someone telling me my sex life is over because she doesn’t want it. I’ve tried everything but leave. I’m slowing dying inside.

  10. MrRight,

    Those are very absolute statements. And they haven't been my experience at all. As a counselor I see it all the time where couples with different levels of libido are able to work through it and get to a place where both are satisfied and create a romantic, passionate relationship.

  11. My wife does not want to have sex, she doesn't like to talk about it also,I have been married just 11 month before , I have one time get intimate with her but only small foreplay is done ,when I touch her she tells what wiered you r doing.saggest me what I doesn't kiss her untill now.

  12. I cried when i read this blog. So relieved to read I'm not alone. My husband only wants sex at 4 am. He works from 3pm to 3am and expects me to wake up to his when he gets home for sex. I have trouble sleeping anyway and he knows this. We have all evening 4 days out of the week but he choose the nights he works to want to have sex and then gets mad when I refuse to wake up. I even fake sleeping just to get him to back off. I have ask him why can't he choose his days off for a romp in the hay and it's always the same response "so sorry I asked or even try" and I tell him I don't mind him asking but why can't it be on a night where we could have sex at 10pm and then both get a good nights rest? Oh and if I'm sick and don't even feel like rolling over to get out of bed he still expects sexual favors. If I tell him I don't feel well he acts like I just threw hot coals in his lap. If the tables are turned, he's the one sick, he acts just like I do. It is so frustrating that sex feels like a chore. I just do it to shut him up sometimes. Todays technology isn't any help either. He will text me and ask if we can have sex today and if I don't respond within a minute his response. " Just what I thought you'd say." What?! He don't give me a chance to answer before he's expecting a no. I offer oral sex, when I'm not in the mood just to compromise. He has started turning that down. Forget it, don't worry about it he says. I think he intentionally wants to make me feel bad about it, but what I can bear to tell him is I really could care less anymore. It's like all he thinks about lately is how he isn't being satisfied. It's not like I'm with holding sex, I've offered it up on his days off or even after the kids leave for school in the morning but it's like he don't want it unless it's when he wants it. I love him, but he's beginning to make it hard to love him. We have been married almost 20 years and this is how it's been for the last 5 years. What do you suggest?

  13. Readyforchange it is quite simple. When you just offer it up to him or try to plan it out for some other time it isnt the same as when you are ready and rarin to go. I am sure you realize to that when you are in the mood sex feels better as opposed to planned out sex or sex that is offered to you just randomly.

  14. I'm somewhat in this boat. But the thing is, my wife is a tease and would rather tease me and talk about sex and tell me what I'm starting to think are lies. If she thinks I'm so sexy, and loves me, and always wants me to be there for her, and I'm her best friend and all that BS, then why… WHY won't she have sex with me? And when we do have sex, it really sucks. She never does anything I want, and if I ask for it she gets mad.

    I literally throw myself at her and she doesn't want me. Oh well, its been going on long enough that I think a visit to an escort is in good order. Shame on you wives who don't take care of your husbands. You think we're going to wait forever for you to be in the mood? Well if thats what you think then you're all stupid.

  15. We're not stupid, just understand our needs and concerns. Compromise a little, so you just pout and get mad when you can't have it your way allll the time?, really?, like that's going to really change something, if anything we'll fall out of love with you anyway. Start acting and dealing and understanding as a man and especially a husband, stop being selfish abd childish about the matter, becuz us as women and wives don't need more children to raise, but understanding and compramisation adult husbands. Try it you may get what you want. Gatty

  16. My wife and I use to have sex all the time 3 – .5 times wkly. She always had organisms and appeared to really enjoyed sex during. She would do the pulling me closer thing. Always stroke me when sitting on the couch or bed. Jump in differ positions on her own during. We would even watch porn together which was my idea but she got into and seem to enjoy. She would even tell me which ones she liked and didn't like and get totally wet when watching. I am probably the most unselfish man there is when it
    comes to sex. My goal would always be making her cum as many times as I could before I cum. I could last for as long as 2 hours. I was always the one who initiated it but we both enjoyed it. We enjoyed sex so much we would even talk about which of friends would she want All of a sudden she doesn't want it hardly ever. Help

  17. Kyla. It sounds like you are a busy women. It also sounds like you are just being selfish giving no thought to others and using your children and cooking as an excuse. If you don't want to be caring, romantic or sexual then have you thought about a. not having kids. not being married? What sort of expectations are you serving to your children? sorry but I am fed up of hearing about people just like you who have no thought in the world for others but pray on the fact they are parents with responsibilities. Grow up.

  18. Hi my name is Rich. My wife and I have had this disagreement for some time now. I have read just about every article I can find to help to come to a solution to our or should I say my problem. 8 years ago we both entered this relationship as most with sex being very high on the priority list and slowly it has diminished to rarely at all and if there is sex it is morge sex. I would say we have a healthy marriage in every respect but the sex part. I am extremely happy with her and she says she loves and adores me but just doesn't think about sex anymore. I on the other hand get it so rarely that it is always on my mind. We have had sex 1 time in 3 months now and it eats at you. I have done everything I have been told to do. I show her attention. Participate in the gs she like. I try to set a mood which is hard with kids but I try. I say we split the house chores 60/40 with the 60 on my end. So I sit here with the thought of. If she was a sexual person one time why not anymore? Is she cheating has splashed across my radar but I doubt it but then again would i really know? Like I said I have done everything I can think of and to be honest divorce is entering my mind more and more. It sounds selfish to say that but I am only human and even if it sounds Un manly I miss the affection and the closeness that sex provides. I am not one to cum and run I make sure there is that time that woman want before and after to either get in the mood or come down from The mood. I am at a loss. We are beyond being able to discuss it because it turns into a fight where I am left looking like a sex junkie when in fact you would have to actually have sex to be one. I would be happy with anything at this point and think about cheating more and more everyday. I have never cheated up to this point because I love my wife so dearly but does she love me like I think or like she says she does if she never expresses it? A divorce seems so drastic to many but a marriage without sex or attention or affection is just a roomate who helps take care of our kids. I am not sure if I have a real queztion. I am simply searching for something to tell me that this is normal I guess and that I should stick it out. It will get better. How man years does someone wait?

  19. my husband was unable to have sex for several years due to medication ,,i being so much in love with him never gave it another thought .
    I just never spoke of it and shut that part of my life off now we are approaching middle 60 and he has to take steroid shots due to a illness and he now wants to have sex all the time .
    i try to explain to him this part of my life is not really important any more we are older now. and i never complained about him,he is to the point he is verbaly mean and attacking me with words and demanding me to do it or he is very angry and cuts me down all the time its very painfull and hurtfull to me when i was there for him.i just dont have the desire to be sexually active any more after shutting it off so many years ,,am i wrong ?

  20. I recently went on a new birth control (more effective because our first born was not planned) that has left me with a very low libido. Even though im not in the mood I try to have sex with my husband but it ends up very painful because im not self-lubricating. Store bought lubricants do not help. Im in pain for days, sometimes weeks after sex. Still, my husband wants more sex and is getting frustrated. Sometimes he mentions leaving me or asks me why I have the vagina of a 70yr old (Im 21). These comments are very hurtful and make me not want to have sex even more. Ive told my husband im going to change my birth control method at my next appointnent (next week) but its not soon enough for him. Im afraid the low libido are due to the changes in my body after childbirth and not because of my birth control. This really worries me because im only21. He will probably divorce me and idk who else would want to deal with my "situation".

  21. I am a 52 year old man, was widowed at 49, have since dated, married and divorced, and am dating again.

    If you are a man with a high libido and are dating a woman with a low libido…drop her NOW!! Waiting around for her to "come around" is wasting YOUR TIME, she will never magically increase her libido. Think about it, people with high and low libido's think and talk differently about s3x.

    High Libido
    Let's make love
    Flirts with partner throughout the day
    Thinks and talks about s3x as naturally as breathing

    Low Libido
    Ok, we can have sex, I will give it up, you just had some last week
    Irritated when flirtation is attempted outside the bedroom
    never thinks about s3x

    As a guy with a high libido, I cannot understand women who frequently refuse s3x, as I cannot imagine turning down an org@sm……women with high libido's rarely turn down an opportunity for an org@sm.

    If you are with a woman who frequently denies you s3x, try this the next time she starts venting about her work day or her friends….."honey, I really had a rough day, the garage is a mess, and I really do not not want to listen to you vent about your day". Men never tell women this because we hope that by enduring the woman's "venting" that we will be seen as "understanding" and will "ultimately" be "rewarded" with s3x, refusing to listen to a woman vent will be a sure fire way of not getting laid that night.

    Do not waste your time on a woman with a lower libido than yours, go out and find your match, life will be so much better.

  22. Wow my husband never wants to have sex with me, I have given threesome's, let him sleep with other girls…he rather watch porn and jack off… I'm so hurt I'm ready to cheat

  23. Kyla, you sound just like my wife, OMG I heard all these excuses and more, she still had time to go have another relationship during this time with all the excuses, so your excuses are falling on deaf ears. I was married 18 years. I wish I divorced her 10 years ago. Sick and tied of the lies. I would do anything for my wife. You think she would spend a few minutes for me? I even offered to hire a house keeper, cook and any other help, did not matter. Theres more to this story you give than meets the eye.

  24. It sounds to me like your bitter about his me time and punishing him subconsciouly for him "me time" or you wouldn't mention it. Plz remember even the best husbands have there limites. Remember when you first started dating he got onto this expecting that lvl of sex. Logic would say that the sex would grt better. Do not hold that back in your life he will go looking for it. He is YOUR husband act like it.

  25. Two truisms:
    1. If a woman doesn't take the time to think about sex, she will never have sex. Neither will her husband.
    2. If her husband doesn't have sex at home, he will have it elsewhere. Guaranteed!
    Wives, consider yourselves warned. You best figure it out before you find yourself alone in your retirement.

    Signed:
    Been wonderfully happy for thirty-seven of the forty years we have been married. Now preparing to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

  26. Glad I came across this, but still don't know what to do. Yeah we have two small kids, but it's probably been 6 months. It's actually the night of our anniversary and I'm here typing this at 3 in the morning, because she just wanted to sleep. It's been 6 months if not more. Don't know what to do, but I fear my marriage is falling apart.

  27. Hi me and my husbands are having problems about this. In our case I guess im the problem and the one with low sex drive, we do have sex but maybe 2 times per week been married 4 yrs. I dont know what to do he is really upset and claims he is tired of it n me not wanting sex but i do love him and I am attracted to him I just dont seem to be in the mood as often as he is and he really gets upset. Expexts me to wake up in the middle of the night when he is teying to initiate it and I just dont want to I honestly rather get my rest :/

  28. Something people seem to be overlooking is that the time for sex is finite. It is true that some people manage to extend the desire and ability by various means, but it will come to an end, usually years before one's life ends. So, for those who close themselves off from their beloved during these fleeting years, they are being selfish, and also, for those who cannot imagine a good relationship without having constant sex, then your relationship and depth of love is shallow. There is a spiritual component to marriage, otherwise you should not marry. It is self-sacrificial from the start and not for the weak-willed and selfish. Being self-sacrificing is a virtue and rises above the common biological/hormonal drives. People have managed to have great depths of connectedness to others without sex, (parent to child, friend to friend, etc.) without having emotional angst from doing without sex. Why does it suddenly become a necessity for any kind of meaningfulness or depth of relationship when it comes to marriage? Either a couple grows in maturity from their commitment, or their marriage will
    fail.

    • My wife is of the opinion that if she is not in the mood too bad for me.

      I do all of the housework, vehicle and home repairs along with yard work etc none of which I am in the mood for but it still gets done.

      She told me that I need to be more romantic- this was while I was making lunch and doing laundry.

      It is getting worse now that she is very close to getting her inheritance. Her parents WERE hard workers who built up a fair bit of wealth. My wife does not work btw.

      We are in our late 40’s. I work in a old age care facility and wife has teased me about all of the eligible females that I work with that I could leave her for. It has not occured to her that I so spend my days with the daughters of these people.

  29. How about when neither party really wants sex, we love each other very much and our affection is strong it's just really tough for us to make time for sex. We both know this and our accepting of this I just worry about possible long term affects this could have. Due to the lack of sex I've fallen in love with my hobbies which is freaking awesome for me.

  30. I love her immensely, it's just that she b!tches so much and is on my back about just about everything that it kills any desire I can muster. I am 52, have had a hard ife, and I am just tired.

  31. My wife has a low libido and always has. We have been married for 19 years. She loves me but sex has never been an interest for her and it will never be. We haven't had sex yet this year. I have read many comments, on many websites, with many frustrated people including myself. There have also been many comments on what to do about solving this that really just doesn't work. I think we can conclude, once and for all,that this is not a problem that can be fixed by some intellectual reasoning. Libido is not something you can make happen by your will. The amount of libido you have is both genetic and chemical. The only way to change this is through science. So if your partner does not have much libido by genetics or has lost it by a decrease in brain chemistry than there is nothing you can do, without science, to change it. Whether it is right or wrong to change it through science, if it is even possible right now, is a different issue. The point is, you have to accept that this is a science problem and therefore we can stop making each other feeling guilty about too much or too little sex. It will take technology to change this. For now, if you are not happy with your relationship it will mean finding a more compatible partner or if you can't bare hurting your spouse as I do then you will need to adjust your life without sex as best you can.

  32. Please understand that the partner with a low libido can't help their situation. Sex drive is biologically driven and it is either there, or it isn't. Asking someone to want to be in the mood and enthusiastically enjoy the process when the drive isn't there is like asking someone to truly act like they enjoy, say, eating cooked beets when they really don't care for cooked beets. They can pretend to enjoy them for a while but if they have to eat them every week for the rest of their life because their partner craves them, they will soon develop an aversion to beets. It's not because they no longer love their partner, it's just that they don't have a burning desire or need for beets. It's very hard to force someone to enjoy something they don't desire or want. But one can be made to feel guilty about their non desire. Just because one person loves and desires sex, doesn't mean everyone does. Not everyone craves beets either. Does that make them a bad person or in the wrong? Why is it wrong to not desire sex?

  33. Hi my wife n i used to had sex more often but now she always not in the mood,when i try to talk about this situation she just got angry and she even stop talking,she just not want to hear me talking about it.Help me what can i do

  34. June 23/2014 Anonymous,

    Sex is a wonderful and connecting thing. It's also the ONLY thing you uniquely share with your partner that you don't share with anyone else. As such, it becomes a unique form of connection in your marriage that's ONLY in your marriage. So sex is the one thing that sets you and your partner apart from being just roommates. You can love somebody, sure, but to be vulnerable and intimate someone in a way that only sex does takes your relationship to another level – it takes it to marriage. If a couple is negating that relationship, they're not having a truly intimate marriage.

    Plus, sex is a biological thing. All humans have an instinctual sex drive. If a person's sex drive is absolutely absent (without some sort of medical reason) it's usually a sign of something else going on within the person.

  35. Aaron Anderson June 24 2014,

    Aaron, thank you for yesterdays response. I do agree that sex is a wonderful and connecting part of a relationship that is only uniquely shared with your marriage partner. It does take a relationship to a whole different level. And, that is why people bond and eventually marry. Often that part of the relationship lasts for quite a while. And, as you stated, sex is a biological instinctual drive. I believe that most people would agree that biologically, men and women differ. Hormonally, men tend to be more stable. Women on the other hand are in a constant state of biological change. Not only from year to year, but from month to month, and even from moment to moment. Childbirth and menopause add even more profound changes. It seems that testosterone plays a big role in sexual desire and drive and unfortunately, men are blessed with bigger stores that tend to decline VERY slowly over a lifetime. As Mark Gunger (a pastor/marriage counselor) once stated: If men's testosterone levels drop abruptly, they start to loose sexual desire. They are the same person with the same heart and the same mind, but they have less sexual desire. Just look at all the commercials for testosterone supplements these days.
    Well, women don't get to start on even ground when it comes to testosterone. And, they are plagued with ever changing hormone fluctuations.
    We still don't know all the permanent changes that occur to a women after childbirth.
    It has been stated in several articles, that the number one sexual complaint made by women is a low sexual desire. Estimated to be about 40% of women 18-100. Boy are the pharmaceutical companies trying like crazy to come up with a female viagra. Obviously, women's low libido is very common. So, is this abnormal or normal? The jury is still out.
    So, between the lower testosterone (to none after menopause), the every changing hormonal state in a women's body, changes from childbirth and menopause, what is a women to do? Biologically, she is not the same person she was when she first met her partner.
    The partner, on the other hand, is probably pretty close to being (hormonally) the same as he was when they first met.
    And to all of those men who are thinking of divorcing a wonderful women because they are no longer compatible sexually, just remember, a women's body biologically changes forever. If you find a new compatible mate, chances are she won't be the same a few years down the road. Then what?
    So, the same question arises: What's a couple to do? Men don't understand why the woman has changed? He doesn't understand why sex isn't as important to his wife as it use to be. All he knows is that he feels he Needs sex either physically and or emotionally, to be connected and close to his wife and "she doesn't get it." She suddenly (or slowly over time) doesn't have that same biological need to have sex as often. After menopause, there is actually no biological reason to be sexually receptive, women are no longer fertile. She just can't seem to get in the mood, and he "doesn't get it."
    So back to the same question: What's a couple to do?
    Aaron, I guess it all comes down to your primary suggestion, communication. I will add: compromise and understanding. Women and men are coming from two different places. Neither one is right, neither one is wrong. Trying to change a LDP or a HDP usually doesn't work. But working together to find a mutual middle ground could lead to a long Happy Marriage:)
    I

  36. I have been married over 20 years. I had a healthy libido at the beginning of our marriage. After childbirth, however, my libido went AWOL. Actually, I didn't notice that is was missing but my husband sure did!
    For some reason, childbirth didn't seem to affect his libido. Go figure.
    So, it became my responsibility to find my missing sex drive. I asked counselors, pastors, and doctor's if they might now where it went. No one had any good answers. So I tried just having sex to see if it was hidden somewhere inside. Nope, it never appeared. Then I tried sex toys, porno, creams and relaxation. It never showed up for the fun. So I turned to herbs, alcohol, estrogen, and I even got to try the FDA forbidden testosterone for women. All that gave me was pimples and clumps of hair falling out of my head. Nothing was working. I suggested trying to schedule sex. That helps somewhat because it assures that my husband will not initiate except that one night a week. That gives me a whole week to try to get in the mood. Sometimes I can, other times I have a dreadful day just thinking about it. So now what?
    I suggested my husband try something to decrease his drive. You should have seen the look on his face! Why would he possibly want to do that? Well, perhaps to lower his frustration with me and our marriage. To help him be more content with the situation. And to give me a break from all the pressure, which just might help me feel more like loving my husband instead of locking horns with him. Well, he hasn't tried anything yet! Why is it always the person with the low desire that needs to find a solution?

  37. Gosh from reading these comments this is what I get.
    Regardless of how I feel or how much more I have to do before bed I am just to roll over and give it to him when ever he wants like a prostitute. No wonder why so many fake orgasums and I will admit that I've been guilty of that. To express my feelings, ask for help or say not now means I am a selfish woman worthy of divorce and deserving of being cheated on.
    So I guess I will continue on just give when he wants it, fake that I enjoy it, and know that if I don't I am worthless as a woman And my needs and issues should be of no concern for my husband. Yes this makes me want it less of course. I did enjoy sex at one time but now it is just a chore one more thing I have to do.
    It would be so nice and mean so much if the man would do some of those little things like help change a diaper etc. Believe it or not it's those little things that say I love you and value you and that put's me in the mood for sex mentally. But heck according to some of you that is selfish of me and something the man shouldn't have to bother with.
    According to these comments, The problem is only the woman. I shouldn't have kids, home or husband if I am not able to be full of energy 24/7, always able to be in a perfect mood, never need time for myself, available to do my job plus all household and childcare responsibilities, never sleep or get sick and most of all provide active willing sex when ever my husband wants it. To complain about anything means I'm selfish using my kids & home as an excuse and just having a "chick fit".

  38. It sure seems like the LDP is quite content with their sex life. Their desires are being taken care of. Life is wonderful, or would be, if not for the HDP's expectations. The HDP , on the other hand, feels they are not having their needs met. They feel they don't receive the physical sexual release as often as they need it. They feel rejected because the LDP doesn't show them the affection they need to feel wanted and loved. Life is miserable because the LDP is content. So the frustration begins.
    One person has needs not being met by the other person. The other person feels they are giving all they can. The HDP keeps telling the LDP they need more affection (sex) to feel loved and connected. The LDP starts to feel guilty that they can't meet their partners needs. They feel that no matter how much they give, it is never enough. We have just created two unhappy people.
    We put such high expectations on marriage and the people we love. What is it about sexual desire within a marriage that is harder to compromise on than any other aspect of the marriage? Why do we turn our sexual desire (or lack there of) into the other persons responsibility? Why do we become so selfish and protective when it comes to sex? Why does sex make some people feel loved at the same time it makes the other person feel used? Why is it that when it comes to sex, "my needs" are more important than "your needs"?
    My Mother always told me that you should never rely on another person to make you happy. You will always turn up disappointed. Happiness comes from within. And within marriage, it is wonderful to share your happiness with another.
    Aren't Mothers always right?

  39. Yes, Aaron, sex can be a wonderful part of a marriage. A tender communication and bonding that is shared Only with the one you married.
    But it is also in a marriage that it can make you feel cheap and unloved when the woman feels like all the man wants is sex. No wonder many of us turn off and tune out. Many of us don't need sex as often as the man so when we are hounded to "just roll over" whenever advances are made, we know its all about the sex. No wonder we say NO. If you needed a big hug or a shoulder rub instead, we would probably love to give you one. But because men are the way they are (porno, prostitutes, strip bars, staring at other women, etc.) we have been conditioned to feel cheap if it is not a mutual agreement. It makes us feel resentful and bad about ourselves. No wonder we say NO. And don't ask us why we aren't in the mood. WE don't know! We come up with excuses hoping you might forget about sex for a while. Believe me, we can still love you and not feel into sex. Sorry if that concept doesn't compute. Just remember, mutual agreement makes everyone feel better.

  40. I agree with anonymous June 29,2014
    Many of these comments make it sound like sex is more important than marriage. It is the wives duty to supply the sexual fix that their man needs lest they be left high and dry. What an attitude!
    Unlike women, mens essence of masculinity depends on his sexual prowess. From many of the above replies you can tell that men feel closer and more willing to help out AFTER they get their sexual fix. That's because they actually do feel better after sex…that is, until their sexual urges show up again. They don't feel like men if they don't get their sex.
    You should see the emotions (yes, I said emotions) that will erupt when a man is told he has to have prostate surgery. It doesn't matter how supportive or understanding the wife may be, the ONLY concern is for what is going to happen to his erections. Wow, like he won't be the same person if his penis no longer works. That's what I mean, men need sex to define who they are. But, the most frustrating thing for them is that they need women to make them feel like men. And it frustrates them when you won't "help them feel better"
    Men, don't underestimate women. If we have been married for very long, we know it all comes down to the sex. You can try to beg us, and badger us, and make us feel worthless but over the years, you have shown your true colors. Face it, you NEED the sex or you're unhappy and are going to make everyone else unhappy around you. But why should we give it to you whenever you NEED it? Most women don't NEED it and are not defined by it.
    I am sorry for your curse of male-hood. Most animals in the wild kingdom don't get sex very often. Only when the female is fertile and only if she accepts you.. providing another male didn't beat you up first. Get over it, women don't need sex as much as men. I hate to break it to you, but you are not king! I bet if you left your woman and went out on the hunt and started begging and complaining like you do in marriage, that ' would be' partner would drop you like a hot potato. Women, quite feeling guilty!! It is what it is! Men need to learn to cope.

    • You need to learn the meaning of the word “compromise”! Why should men have to “get over it” instead of women you disgusting feminist extremist pig! Men need to accept that most women have lower sex drives and they need to learn what gets their woman in the mood. (For instance, my wife really gets horny by watching a romantic movie with me.) Women need to accept that most men have higher sex drives and need to learn how to please their man when not in the mood. (I’m willing to accept a quick hand job if she’s not in the mood.)

      • Easy there. Name calling doesn’t help anyone. You’re right about compromise. Unfortunately, spouses expect compromise to mean that their partner will do most of the compromising. I see it on the counseling couch every day. Spouses believe they’re already giving up enough and it’s time for their partner to give “a little”. But they don’t realize that that the little bit their partner is moving might actually be a LOT in their partner’s mind. Either way, couples need to get creative about how to solve this dilemma (hand jobs, oral sex, watching a movie tonight instead of sex,) etc. are great ideas.

  41. I've found each of the posts in some way helpful. My wife is my best friend, we have thee great kids, and a wonderfully integrated extended family. We don’t enjoy most of the same things, and don’t always agree on matters related to our kids, money, or how to get from A to B. We’ve each made our share of mistakes, but still truly love each other. We very much have a HDP (me)/LDP (her) issue. This has led to feelings of being disconnected or even worse alone over the years. I used to believe she did not love me, or that she was selfish, or many of the other comments expressed here. This led to feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and even thoughts of suicide. I felt she depends upon me, but frustrated with feeling she did not need, want, or desire me. This along with several other reasons led me to pull away, and become distant. She felt this, and in time it led to her own feelings of isolation and loneliness. She viewed my attempts to get close to her as me just wanting sex. She nor I really understood that sex was my way of connecting, and instead she just viewed it as I was trying to get laid. In time her own resentment along with many other circumstances, on an individual night led to an indiscretion on her part. We chose to work through it, but our problems never resolved themselves. In time, I had an affair, which made me feel happy because I was getting the love and affection I had been craving for so long. I was happy, outside of knowing that what I was doing was wrong. In time, I also realized the affair was not real in that it was a secret. Therefore, it did not involve other life pressures that come as part of the marriage such as children, finances, work, family, and life in general. Therefore, that relationship was never really real or complete. I liken it to filling and sealing a piece of wood in that while I felt brittle, broken, and incomplete the affair only filled in the cracks of what was missing. The main relationship of everything else in life was still shared with my wife. In time the relationship ended, because I had to understand what it was about me that my wife could not love me like I needed. What we came to realize is that it was not me, it was her, only we did not know why. Adding to the problem is a new medical issue that further inhibits her desire. I so desperately want her to fill in the cracks of what’s missing in me, but it seems that’s just not possible. So what is one left to do? She and I have been very honest in our discussion, but we don’t know what to do. We’re both ready to give up if we can’t come to a better solution, but both feel ending a marriage is a mistake. What I’d appreciate are real recommendations/alternatives for a couple who both understand, and still want to make it work. What compromises can we make? I can’t expect nor do I want her to “roll-over and give in”, we both deserve more than that. I’m going to share with her this blog, and appreciate knowing the commonality of HDP’s and LDP’s. I’d appreciate a discussion or recommendation on the alternatives that can bridge the gap.

  42. “The problem is she never wants to. And when she tells me no, I feel really rejected. A person can only take so much rejection before it really begins to eat at them. And it's really eating at me. I wonder if she even really loves me in that way or if she thinks of me more like a roommate than a lover.”

    Dude, trust me you are NOT the only one and it just doesn’t happen to guys with their wives. It also happens to happen to women with their husbands. You would not believe how many women feel the same way you do, me included. Seriously when I started reading your post I started crying cause that is exactly how I feel all the time.

    Your spouse never wanting to have sex is like the worst feeling in the world. Not only do you feel rejected but you also feel worthless, unwanted, and unloved. At least that is how I feel all the time. You wanna know the worst part? The worst part is when women bring up their being rejected by their husbands every other answer blames them for it.

    “Oh, you must be fat if he wont have sex with you”
    “Oh you must be ugly if he wont have sex with you”
    “Oh you aren’t good enough because you cant compare to porn stars who are better than you will ever be”

    Its freaking horrible, and those types of responses just make it all so much worse. I have literally gone at least two months at a time being ignored and rejected every time I even hint at wanting to have sex. The excuse is always the same either he is “too tired” or “forgot” he promised to come to bed at a decent time so we could have sex. Who the hell gets that tired when they do nothing but watch disgusting ass porn all day?!

    Its like living in hell and if you say ANYTHING about it you are the bad person and they are the injured party. You are the one who has to go day after day being ignored and treated like you don’t exist but THEY are the “victims” no matter how horrible they treat you, no matter how many times they ignore you, no matter how much you suffer day after day, its always your fault.

    “It's gotten to the point where I'll try to initiate sex with her and she starts asking me questions like "What time is it?" or "are any of the kids awake?" It seems to me like she's trying to find excuses not to have sex with me.”

    Seriously dude, that is exactly how it is with my husband except we don’t have kids so he uses playing facebook games all night as an excuse to ignore me and refuse sex.

  43. if your partner does not or give excuses for not having sex it is time to get out but first talk and talk about the lack of sex then give up and look elsewhere otherwise you will end up depressed or alcoholic

  44. In response to July 5, 2014

    There are no right answers when there are desire differences in a marriage. I have heard many people talk about how perfect their marriage is except for the sexual part. It seems we each need something from the other person that the other person has a hard time giving/or wanting. I am the Very low desire person in my marriage. We have been working at this for years. The one thing that seems to work for us is scheduling our dates. It seems to address several of the issues that arise. Michael Castlesman has a good article called Desire Differences. You can google it. It goes into more depth. I'm not sure it will help with the porn addiction though. Anyway, best of luck for both of you. You are not alone.

  45. Well for once if you are married, enjoying your husband's money, his house, his pets, his kids, his cars, his credit, his credit cards, his heating, his air conditioner, his food, his water, his company, his protection, stability, security, his love, his desire, his will to please you, among many other things a "wife"enjoys daily, the least you can do for him is to love him and to take care of your man, sheshh, I don't know, but maybe, as an act of love and appreciation, maybe?

    I mean, what the hell are you women thinking? That you can marry a man to enjoy everything he brings to the table and its commodities and that you can just take sex out of the picture of two married adults? while still enjoying his money, his house and everything else? And don't give me no krap about marriage is not all about sex, because it is. Maybe not 100% about SEX, but it IS a HUGE PART OF MARRIAGE, if not the center of it. You have to be very naive or just a plain liar to come up with such a stupid justification for lacking as a wife. Yeah that's right, if you are not having sex with your husband you are just slacking and not fulfilling your dank role in your marriage.

    I mean, do you really think that its all about heating a ready to eat frozen meal in the microwave, doing the laundry and watch you fav show after work is doing too much already as a wife, so you think is right for you to just stop there and withhold sex from your husband's and give it to him whenever/IF you decide to. Sex is not a reward idiots, its a husbands NEED!

    Perhaps your husband should also slack, just like the sexless wives, and maybe he should stop going to work or stop buying food or stop doing the yard or paying for your cable and internet, or stop cleaning the gutters or any other important basic things that are exhausting and annoying, just because it just takes too much time and effort to and is not something we desire to do anyway. You know, just like you not wanting or desiring to have sex with your husbands.

    Do you really think he was gonna marry you, buy you a house, take you on vacations, buy you things and bust his butt working for you if you would've told him you were gonna withheld and ration sex to him as you please once he married you?

    To me a wife not having regular sex with his husband is an intentional act of sabotage to the man and the marriage. Getting married involves having sex regularly and you women knew this but played your games and made a fool of your man, pretending you were ok with it, just to get a house, money, a social status or what?

    If you can't fulfill your job and duties as a wife you should move over, return everything, every investment and everything you got from your husband and give it back to him so he can replace you with a hotter younger model who will fulfill a real wife's role, which must include regular sex without nagging, complaining, acting out, or without pretending to use sex as a bargaing tool or treating it as a chore.

    Read this carefully and get it in your head women. SEX IS A HUSBANDS NEEDS NOT A TREAT! IT'S NOT NEGOTIABLE, IS A VERY IMPORTANT NEED THAT HAS TO BE MET AND FULFILLED BY A WIFE.

  46. Well that was very stupid. If youand your momma believed that "you should never rely on another person to make you happy" krap, why did she got married with another person?(your daddy I hope)and why would you think people marry? Isn't your mommy's understanding of happiness kinda, stupid and idiotic considering that the main reason for marriage to exist in the first place was to pursue happiniess with the person you love and that makes you happy to live with?

  47. No. Not like a prostitute. You should roll over every time he wants it, like a good wife should. It's ok you don't have any desire, but why should you punish your husband and make him suffer? If you don't want to orgasm, that fine, just don't. But you can't pretend its ok for you to deprive your husbands needsjust because you're not horny. That is your problem, not his.

    The same way if you are not hungry.but your family is, you just cook for.them because they are hungry, no matter if you are hungry or not. You serve them, but is your choice if you want to serve yourselfand eat or not. But you wouldn't just say to them; "Ahh, I'm not hungry and I do not want to eat, so neither should, must, will you." Can you read SELFISHNESS between the lines?

    If a wife decides not to have sex with her husband at anygiven time after marriage(aka after they made their catch), they should either bring him a younger hornier girlfriend to the room or give.him free time to meet women that know and are capable of satisfying a man's needs or just divorse and do not touch any money or properties of the husband since it was the lazy, sexless, cold, dry, olds hag's fault for not.doing her(universally expected)job as a wife, like any good wife would and should.

    So here's a memo for all present, past and future wives….WIVES MUST HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS REGULARLY IF THEY WANT TO BE AND STAY MARRIED OR ELSE YOU NEED TO BE REPLACED WITH A REAL GOOD WIFE WHO WOULD DO AND FULFILL HER WIFE DUTIES, WHICH STARTS WITH GIVING SEX REGULARLY TO THEIR HUSBAND.

  48. Ok, since you sound like you are a bit lost on what to do, I'm gonna be your best friend and give you the secret to make your husband happy, happier than ever with you.

    YOU MUST DO 3 THINGS:

    FIRST, you must start working out today, NO ExCUSES(you want to be happy and fix this, right?). I recommend you do 100 squats or more a day-6 days a week. Remember SQUATS are a girl's best friend. Star low and build up so you don't get too sore or hurt.

    SECOND, you MUST DIET! If you have your doctor's okay, you can go as low as 1200 a day and start losing pounds of fat while looking harder and sexier for your husband than ever.

    THIRD, you MUST give your husband oral(bj) unexpectedly at least 2-3 times a week right after he showers, at random places(ie; under the shower, on the living room, on the stairs, etc.). And have intercourse at least 2-3 times a week on top of oral or equal amounts to 4-6 times a week total. You can always start sex with a BJ and I gurantee you that if you do it right and stop at the right time, your husband will drag you to bed and rip your clothes off every time.

    I mean, seriously. I can understand how hard can it be to turn on a wife of decades, but come'on, it isn't that hard to get your husband going, even if he is 96 years old. And to be honest, most wives can skip the first two and go straight to the third step and see instant results.

    P.S.
    Make sure you look him in the eyes while giving him oral and every now and then you need to tell him " I love you" right the second he is ejaculating. Powerful knowledge like this will fix any husband inthe world. Even if he is cheating on you,just up the times a day and times a week you do this and he will forget that skank faster than he can keep kumin.

    You're Welcome.

  49. So, are you saying men should not wonder why women go off of sex?

    That sounds like saying that men should know women marry with the mentality and intentions to withdraw sex once they marry their man and secure their possessions. That's just plain wrong and dishonest. Fooling and deceiving your man into believing you were gonna hold to your end and fulfill the universal basic duties of a wife, is a serious offense. You would go to jail if you do.this the equivalent of this fraud in the corporate world. Why are the courts still giving most of the men's properties and money to women, even when they are at fault and the.reason to divorse? I think is about time.for a reality check and someone tells themtheir vagina is not made of gold and that their vaginas are replaceable.

    If you are one of the very few decent women out there, I'm not talking to you. Much respect.for being real good women. My hat off to you ladies.

  50. Men wonder mostly because;

    (A) Because that was not part of the vows you took when you married.

    (B)Because people who marry expect SEX REGULARLY!

    (C)Because even though marriage is not 100% about sex, women SHOULD KNOW a marriage can't survive without it.

    (D)Because you were very sexual at the beggining and now you want to become a nun and withhold sex and expect men to see it as normal and natural when it is NOT normal.and is NOT natural.(married adults marry to FCK, to love to honor to protect and to met each others needs, and to FCK>FCK>FCK…..

    And for those feminist women who would call men pigs for wanting sex with their wives, remember you once (pretending or not) wanted and liked sex. Does that makes any of you Mrs. Piggy? No it does not.

    What are you serious? You sound like an ignorant teenager. Are you a teenager?

  51. I can only assume this is in response to suggestions posed from those like Anonymous July 8, 2014 at 12:30 PM. I feel it's important for everyone to remember that what people need, from a sexual perspective, is different from person to person. It's not a matter of being a male or female, but rather a person with individual needs. Those needs can change over time just as a LDP's needs change. I'm sure we can all assume that if there was a HDP/LDP situation at the beginning of a relationship, then it probably would not have progressed to marriage. On the other note regarding being overweight, if a person not willing to do their best to be healthy in life, and make efforts for themselves, or their significant other, then they're really not engaged or invested in the relationship. I'm the HDP, but I choose to keep in shape for my own health, and to give one less reason for my wife not to want me. One can make all the excuses in the world, unless medical, but should strive to be healthy and well maintained. That said, I agree with an earlier comment that it is biology, and their are HDP's and LDP's. When that happens communication is the only medicine, and that can't save it, but perhaps if a split is necessary it can be done in a good way. This is nobody's fault. Bottom Line: If you love your partner you should always make efforts to do things, which make them happy. Why would you not want someone you love to be happy? Why should it be a burden? If it feels like anything else, then ask if it's the right relationship at that point in your life.

  52. I very much agree with the previous post about the fact that if there was a HDP/LDP 'known' situation in the begging of the relationship, it probably wouldn't have led to marriage. But, Pat Love has unearthed some interesting information about the infatuation period of a romance. You must read it: Google What is this thing called Love? by Pat Love. It might just explain how so many marriages end up with, what I call, mismatched libido syndrome. Also, in understanding the possible reasons behind infatuation, it could help the two partners understand how they ended up with that "stranger" they married. The LDP truly is not trying to punish the HDP! The LDP is living with what they were genetically programed to be AND the HDP is living with what they were genetically programed to be. They just don't ~feel~ eye to eye, so the speak. Isn't it a shame we aren't all the same? All of these problems would be solved.

  53. To anonymous I have to say (I believe all those strong comments about the need for sex for men are juat one anonymous) you are so spot on althoug you might sounds a little on the rough side but your spot on
    My situation is married for 20 years and forever have to beg bear in mind I would say about95% of the time she has some really great orgasms but she will never inneceate sex ever ever its starts off always as a burden I have to do all while she lays like a stiff log .let me finish off we love each other inALL other areas but this is an ongoing fight I beg her just show me your intrested sometimes (and no it does not have to be every night)
    Looking forward to your response

  54. Perhaps things might make more sense if we played a role reversal (with some exaggeration to get the point across). Let's say you married the love of your life and She needs to have sex 3 x's a day but it has to be 3 hours apart. You might be able to keep up with this for a short time but my guess is after a while your body will refuse to have an erection every 3 hours 3 x's in a row day after day. Then your wife tells you she needs it every three hours in order to feel close to you and feel loved. But your body won't cooperate and you soon feel like you are unable to satisfy your wife. You begin to lose self confidence so you find yourself starting to avoid hugging and kissing because you know where it will lead and you know you won't be able to perform. So now your wife feels rejected and is afraid you don't love her anymore. She starts begging you for sex but she doesn't feel satisfied unless it's every 3 hours. This goes on day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. You start to lose your desire to have sex with her because it has become a job and you no longer enjoy it. She soon tells you that if you can't give her the intimacy she needs in a marriage, she will leave and find someone who can. Isn't that what marriage is for anyway, to meet each others needs sexually? At this point, you have forgotten what it feels like to be horny because you haven't had the chance to get horny in a long time. At the same time, your wife would truly Love you to initiate the encounters. It would make her feel sexy and desired to know that you want her in that way. It feeds her ego. But by now, you just can't force yourself to start the encounters because you no longer have it in you to try to keep up with her. Your body can't climax that close together. You almost dread trying. So you back off even more. You start to resent her demands to make her feel loved and cherished. You stay up at night hoping she has fallen asleep before you crawl into bed. You make yourself busy and come up with excuses to not start a sexual encounter because you no longer enjoy sex. It has become a chore. Everything else is perfect in your relationship except for the sex which has become a huge issue.

    Now, there are some differences in the above example. Men usually won't require sex every three hours to feel satisfied and women don't need to get an erection in order for intercourse to occur. Lucky us.

    But it might help with understanding how an LDP wife who doesn't get horny very often has a hard time keeping up with the HDP husbands sex drive. She has tried month after month, year after year until she has lost all interest in trying. She never gets the chance to feel desire because the HDP requires encounters before her body feels her own natural desire well up inside. She is constantly fed before she is hungry. She has lost touch with her sexual self. And because sex is such an intimate thing, it is very hard to open up sexually when the desire has been lost. It's hard to muster sexual energy over and over again when it isn't naturally coming from within. It becomes work not enjoyment. And at the same time, we are told that it is our responsibility to meet our husbands sexual needs. They don't feel loved without sex. So we either keep having sex without the desire for sex or we say no, we don't have it in us to give right now.
    The only solution I see is that the HDP requests sex a little less often then they want and LDP has sex a little more often than they want. Don't expect hot sexual enthusiasm from the LDP and LDP, don't just lie there like a stiff log. Try to participate.
    Men have made it quite clear: Sex doesn't require love. But I guess we do feel that love requires sex.
    Go figure.

  55. How does she have "some really great orgasms" whilst laying like a "stiff" log? Sounsd to me u are resenting having to take the time to turn her on this can take time for a woman. If u "beg" her to show interest it is an ultimate turn off.Do not beg just take the time to make it special you will be pleased with the results.

  56. As we have read there is ALWAYS an hdp and a ldp in a relationship, however much can be done to help.Although most of the comments are dwelling on sex alone there is more often than not underlying issues in the relationship. Has the woman/man let themselves go unkempt ?bad habits ? Do they use "bullying" tactics to express their frustrations (like my husband of 20 years)do they make it special for their partner example wine or music (but for goodness sake NOT EVERY time and not when its been a long hectic day)I have been married for 2 decades never ever has my husband not complained one way or another about our sex life.We have had some good times but those are quickly forgotten.It is ALWAYS my fault and I had to read and read all types of books so I can realize what is "wrong" with me.Unfortunately all it did was make me aware how clueless he is in the bedroom and why I was not able to "perform" as he wished.
    DO NOT PLACE BLAME on either party whoever is distressed in the relationship GO GET HELP and stop thinking its ONLY the other ones fault LOOK WITHIN you will be very surprised how your sex life will turn around!

  57. If women don't have the biological motivation to engage in sex (testosterone) and don't get that physical release and warm, connected, loving feeling that men get after sex, then why do women engage in sex at all?
    They probably wouldn't very often.
    So if men are so frustrated with women for not wanting sex, why don't they lower their testosterone to meet that of a woman's?
    Because in puberty, they developed a love affair with their libido and their penis. And somewhere along the way, men also came to believe that sex is the only way they can feel connected and loved.
    Oh, and it's very macho to want and have sex all the time. They wouldn't be men without it.
    So it is the women's responsibility in a relationship to make the man feel connected and loved and manly?
    Yes, it seems that way.
    Well, what other than that, motivates a woman to have sex with her husband?
    Well, if the husband were smart, he would find a way to give sex some form of value for her. He should want her to somewhat enjoy it and make it easy for her to want to keep giving it.
    Perhaps men could start with something other than complaining, pestering, hinting, pushing and telling her it's her responsibility to make him feel good. If a woman doesn't get any emotional and/or physical fulfillment from sex and her husband keeps wanting it, asking for it, crying when he doesn't get, she will soon start to resent sex, because the only thing she will get from "giving in" is shutting her husband up for a while. Not a positive motivator. They need to make it easy for her to engage, not turn her off.
    Hopefully, before the woman grows to actually hate sex, the two of them could find a way to make it somewhat enjoyable for the woman. Each couple will need to get creative because each woman will probably find something in or around the act that might eventually bring her something to look forward to.
    But, if this little war has been going on for a time, the best place for the man to start is to BACK OFF . Pretend you don't need sex for a while. Remember when you were 16 or 18 and your sex drive was much higher than it is now and you weren't getting sex every 2-3 days? Do now what you did then, heavens, it looks like you lived through it. Give her time to think about how the two of you can start a fresh. If she has grown an aversion to sex, this may take some time. Go back to being her best friend . Enjoy plain old fashioned time together. Yes, be roommate for a short time.
    Then find something she may enjoy during your love making. Even something little. Begin or end with a back rub (FOR HER). Get creative, the goal is to find some form of enjoyment for her. Maybe, chocolate sundaes afterwards? Something she can take away from the experience other than just the man's satisfaction. It doesn't have to be an orgasm….often too much work for little pleasure.
    Something to help her look forward to the next time.

    The other solution the man has is to leave her and go in search of the elusive horny females that roam the earth. Then you can stand in line with all the other frustrated males hoping to win the juicy tomato for their own. But if you win her, just remember, she may not turn out to be that dream girl of your fantasies. There is that day to day living thing that often gets in the way of our wishes. Probably better to work things out with someone you know you love. It's a good place to start , especially if you have formed a family (remember, one of the reasons you married)?
    Anyway, no one said that marriage was easy.
    Best of luck.

    Still working on it myself.

  58. There are many men out there complaining about their partners low sex drive. It must be natural for women's sex drive to dive at some point because it is such a common occurrence. I have known several women that have tried all kinds of remedies that truly haven't worked. Myself included. There doesn't happen to be a female viagra out there yet.
    But, there are several known medications that will lower sex drive. Perhaps these frustrated men could talk to their doctors about giving one a try. I've heard several men comment on their decreased sex drive on these pills as actually being liberating. The frustration is gone. The sexual thoughts just disappear. The need to masturbate or have sex doesn't even enter their minds. What a relief! Life is good! Much of what a low libido person feels.
    So, if the wife has tried everything to boost her libido ( of course it's her responsibility to try first) to match that of the partners to no avail, why doesn't the husband try something to lower his to her level? He might find it quite pleasant.
    And, it just might save a marriage. Quit complaining and do something about it. Then, when the pink viagra comes to the market, men can stop their pills and women can start their pills. Everybody wins!
    This could even work for the women with the higher sex drive than her partner. Just a thought.

  59. It sure sounds like the HDP and the LDP have a hard time understanding each other. Perhaps because we are coming from two completely different starting points. I am the LDP in a very long term marriage. When we were dating and the first few years we were married we had pretty compatible libidos. I loved making love to my husband. Then we had a baby and for some reason after that, my sex drive took a nose dive. My husband couldn't understand that those lusty feelings I once had for him just disappeared. I didn't understand it either, all I knew was that I still loved him more than anything but that inside feeling of needing to be sexual with my husband just wasn't there anymore. I also couldn't understand how he could feel that I didn't love him anymore. It made no sense to me that if I didn't lust after his body, to him, it meant I didn't love him.
    Farthest thing from the truth! But because it was causing him so much distress, I started taking herbs to increase my libido. That didn't work. I tried vaginal creams and hormones. Nothing brought back that body craving for sex.
    Because my husband still had those cravings and was getting frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for sex, I just kept having sex with him anyway. But overtime, that lack of physical need or drive for sex started making me feel depressed after we made love. I guess it was because I wasn't getting anything from our sessions: I didn't feel the connectedness anymore, all I was doing was going through the motions. Since there wasn't a mutual satisfaction going on, I started not enjoying sex. It was like all my body was good for was for his enjoyment not mine. I couldn't get that feeling of wanting/needing intimacy back. So I had just become an empty shell of a body. I still loved my husband but the desire for love making wasn't there and I was not getting any warm fuzzies….no fulfillment. I actually started not wanting it anymore. I often would cry alone when I knew we would be making love later because I just didn't think I could keep going through the motions for ever and ever and not enjoying one thing about it.
    I tried everything I could think of to get my libido back. I missed it also. But nothing has helped….herbs, hormones, sexy movies and books. It's not like I haven't tried! Years later, I have found that my testosterone level has basically dropped to zero from menopause. For health reasons I can't take supplements of testosterone.
    I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that I will never feel those lusty feelings again.
    I just want everyone to know that low libido persons ( from no fault of their own) are often hurting too. I can't tell you how many times I have cried because I can't give my husband the one thing he truly needs! I feel like a failure as a wife and lover. Oh how I wish sex wasn't all that important!
    Thank God I have been blessed with a wonderful understanding husband. We have managed to work on the issue and have come up with a good balance for the two of us. It's been hard for him to understand that my love for him has never dwindled even though my lust for his body has.
    Time has been a savior ,in that, slowly my husbands sex drive has decreased though, I don't think he has noticed:)
    Our marriage has survived without him feeling too deprived and without me feeling to used up sexually. We have always loved each other and look forward to sitting in those rocking chairs on the front porch together.
    There is hope but only if we try to understand where each other is coming from and find a comfortable compromise for both parties.
    Marriage truly is wonderful!

  60. My wife and I have been married for three years, I have always loved sex and wow I don't know of I am good at it any more or just a hubby for the wife to cuddle, we have three kids both work shifts and yes we do our fair share of house work, but I don't know what to do to make her want even once a week a lil romance time with us two sharing a passion of fun in the bedroom, I feel like I am 60 and not 33 years no disrespect to the elders but really, it's been 5 months and I feel really really low in confidence, I go on a stag do could a romance but love my wife millions had to just walk off pretending to be rat assed to get rid of the girl because lads temptation is not worth the family you have, I just don't have a sex life any more I don't even ask much once in two months, I get my back hurts"I have been feeling rough and all you think about is sex" no luv I don't just think about sex I miss sex, I don't know how I can see us staying strong together if she does not want one night of passion/fun a month I would be happy. I am scared I am not going to be able to stay with her if this carries on, I don't know what to do say or even think, my wife and my family mean the world.

  61. Ok so he says lets shag I say im a bit tired let me catch a snooze then I will wake up for a midnight snack . I wake up in the middle of the night to start the session and he says go back to sleep.
    So I do . He gives me the silent treatment the whole day . I try to talk to him about the previous night he doesn't seem to care about the conversation so I kept quiet . He decides to read a book in the lounge while we were watching tv then took off to bath and then from nowhere says lets shag . DO MEN KNOW THE MEANING OF AFFECTION!? DO YOU REALIZE THE THINGS YOU PUT A WOMEN THROUGH BEFORE YOU DROP THE SEX BOMB!?Think about it before you ask your wife to just open an pass the peach . Been married for 7 yrs and my hubby still doesnt get me

  62. If only women knew how much men have to sacrifice, we go and earn money, go through shitty hell, and come back we have to satisfy our wives, satisfy our kids, if we dont we get scolded by our wives, we dont get sex, its not like the wives come to you tell you what she wants, she will play mind games that hey you have to figure out what i want, women are not easygoing at all, they have expectations at so many levels, this is why guys cheat, we have high sex drive built in, if you only knew how much we compromise with that, and women want someone to talk to and share stuff and fairy tale sex, ALL THE TIME!

  63. Familiarity in a long term relationship tends to squelch a women's sexual desire. We don't have the hormones that keep us craving sex for our partners over the years. After the thrill is gone and after years of hearing a man fart upon waking, pick his nose while he's driving, and "rearranging himself" when he sits down, sex actually loses its appeal all together. A long term relationship leads to familiarity which in turn can lead to a strong loving relationship but it often doesn't include hot steamy sexual thoughts on the women's part.
    I believe all this talk about how a marriage needs sexual intimacy to stay strong is everyones way of saying that the men need sex and if they don't get sex the relationship suffers.
    Women have known this for ever.
    I remember my grandmother talking about "just doing it" to keep him happy. It seemed to help keep marriages together. Along with the fact that family had more importance than personal satisfaction in society in the past. Now a days, personal needs and wants are much more important than the social structure of marriage.
    Still, I can only imagine the number of married women out there suffering in silence giving sex to their husbands and cringing inside just to keep the marriage alive because they love their husband.
    I wonder who suffers more, the man who isn't receiving the sex he deserves or the women who is having sex she truly doesn't want for the sake of keeping her partner happy?
    It seems like men often feel sex is more important than a marriage and if they don't get their sex, they think about leaving or cheating.
    A women often feels the marriage and her love for her husband is more important than the sex so she tolerates years of sex she doesn't want or crave to keep her husband happy.
    Now that women are starting to express their own needs and desires, and deciding to not engage in sex they don't want , we may actually begin to see a collapse of marriage as we've known it. Women will stop giving of themselves when they aren't interested. Perhaps, in this new age of personal independence, our sexual needs (or lack of sexual needs) ARE more important than family structure, long term companionship, and love.

  64. It never ceases to amaze me and at the same time sadden me, the ignorant closed minded views circulating about women and sex.

    I am a 37 year old mom, who wants, thinks about, and desires sex all the time! It kills me when people say that women don't need or even want it as much as men. Leaving men to be viewed as wild animals and shamed for wanting sex with this wives.

    My theory is that many women haven't connected with their own sexuality and have never felt free to develop and explore their own sexual wants, needs and desires. There seems to be a major disconnect from their inner sensual/sexual self.

    This is something EVERY women needs to discover and nurture from within whether, married, single, gay, straight or anything in between.

    There's a strength, confidence and powerful self identity that is connected to a woman and her inner sexual being.

    When you find your inner self, you'll discover that sex isn't a favor your doing for your husband, but a sensual act of expressing your needs and desires that's fulfilling for your own sexual self.

    Which brings me to my closing point, women need to explore themselves and discover what turns them on or off for that matter. If you don't know, how the heck is he supposed to? Communication is key. Free yourself from the chains of popular thinking and find your inner sexual self. Sex isn't bad or something to feel shamed or guilty about wanting.

  65. So after all the excuses in the world you couldn't jerk the dude off or give them a hand job in my opinion people do what they want to do excuses excuses

  66. Annonymous…really.!?!?..what if the man has done all of the above…stopped pressuring…given her space…been there for her…been the best friend…helped out more around the house…masterbate in private to relieve his urges and it has been years…supported her through medical issues…job issues and still no end in sight.

  67. what about the spouse who cant have sex without talking about my past sexual experiences,or about the possibility of having sex with other people. He wants me to talk about me having sex with women or men, or having a personal sex slave. He wants to come on my face, or make me swallow. He wants to put things himself or other items in my butt… then he gets angry if I cant comply and constantly tells me I reject him by not doing what he wants. Needless to say we fight about sex often. He tells me I am an anomaly because I don't fantasize or want to engage in sex like he does. Am I a freak? Do I have sexual dysfunction because these things don't work for me? He has actually moved out because he says he needs someone who respects him, and wants to be with him

  68. Aaron, I know it's a year later, but the article is written well and I think is equally directed at both male and female LDP/HDP. I am the HDP in my relationship and I have to agree that this whole scenario from both sides suck even when one of you is not as bitter as some of your other viewers seem to be. Because I know and understand when being a HDP can sometimes be overbearing (because of it and LDP being a biochemical reaction to your environment) for you and your partner, I am trying a supplement called chasteberry. It has been touted as helping level out low libido and high libido individuals. However, because it does interact with the endocrine system and dopamine levels, and because we're not Psychiatrists, I cannot say "take this" and obviously this may not work for everyone. All I can say, is if anyone reading loves their partner more than their sex cravings, there is a way. Always do whatever is right by you and then make sure no matter how uncomfortable it may be that you discuss your worries and concerns with your partner. As long as there is still hope for your relationship, there can be hope for your sex life. Until things come around try to remember when you both started dating and try to impress or demonstrate your feelings in the same way. Also try to handle your urges in the same way you used to as well. This is a very complex issue, but a part of the problem for a HDP is that we've gotten used to having sex as a release (both hormones and neural chemicals are released during sex that are unlike anything else, but can be addicting like a drug to a HDP). There is hope, if both parties want it to get better, but it took both of you to get to this point, so it will take both of you to get out. If sex is more important to you than the relationship or sex with your partner now disgusts you, I would say it's time to move on, for both of you. Good luck.

  69. S R august 4th raised a different side to many an argument,as we could start to lay blame on either sex,i am a 50 year old man with a sex drive i would call normal that is i love my partner i enjoy the intimate moments, i feel as she and myself connect when we have sex,but like most comments on here i now find that due to peri-menopause and many a symptom related to this,things have changed,yes we have sex but i dont believe myself she is really connecting ,she says she loves me but when the mood or should i say she is not too tired she will just come to bed and just face me,no touching as in none specific just nothing.i initiate i touch then she will me but i can say it does feel like its an allowance im given and this is not true desire on her part.the strange thing is peri menopause can do a lot and the woman faces so much turbulance inside her,its true a mans hormones decrease less over time,but the sad fact is we and our loving wives or partners face a real challenge,it does hurt when you think she dont love you or she has no desire for you,but look anywhere o the www,and you will see that this time of life can kill a relationship,all we can do is be supportive. but if sex or the need for it is so great i myself think you cannot blame the woman who is in the change nor can us men be said to be just creatures who always want sex under any situation,both sexes should learn or face the door that says exit !

  70. It never ceases to amaze me and at the same time sadden me, the ignorant closed minded views circulating about women and sex.

    I am a 37 year old mom, who wants, thinks about, and desires sex all the time! It kills me when people say that women don't need or even want it as much as men. Leaving men to be viewed as wild animals and shamed for wanting sex with this wives.

    My theory is that many women haven't connected with their own sexuality and have never felt free to develop and explore their own sexual wants, needs and desires. There seems to be a major disconnect from their inner sensual/sexual self.

    This is something EVERY women needs to discover and nurture from within whether, married, single, gay, straight or anything in between.

    There's a strength, confidence and powerful self identity that is connected to a woman and her inner sexual being.

    When you find your inner self, you'll discover that sex isn't a favor your doing for your husband, but a sensual act of expressing your needs and desires that's fulfilling for your own sexual self.

    Which brings me to my closing point, women need to explore themselves and discover what turns them on or off for that matter. If you don't know, how the heck is he supposed to? Communication is key. Free yourself from the chains of popular thinking and find your inner sexual self. Sex isn't bad or something to feel shamed or guilty about wanting.

  71. There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of an erotic sexual encounter; but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it.

  72. To Joshua Cash above,

    Good for you for at least trying to help your situation and understanding what your wife is going through!
    I admire your commitment to your wife and marriage though things have changed over the years. Best of luck and I do hope the Casteberry helps relieve some of your tensions. You are truly a breath of fresh air.

  73. In response to SR Aug. 4

    Spot on! Many women have never learned to enjoy sex. And when you don't enjoy something, you usually don't desire or want it. Question is, how do women learn how to enjoy sex? And, if they have been having sex and not enjoying it for years, how do you convince them they can still learn to enjoy it?

    And to XOman Aug. 4

    My guess is many women Do jerk the man off or actually have sex with them for the mans sake yet when they do this over and over again and get nothing from it in return (enjoyment/fulfillment), it gets old real fast. It becomes the sex that the guy needs (a lot!) I think SR is right. For many women, sexual pleasure doesn't come naturally. It has to be learned. When women give sex over and over again (because they are supposed to) and when they get no pleasure in it, it only makes sense they will get tired, bored, and resentful, and not want to do it anymore.
    Somehow women need to open up to the possibility that they just might be able to find some enjoyment from making love to their partners. Society tells us that everyone loves sex, it feels, good and we need lots of it. But to those women who never have enjoyed sex, it sure makes us feel broken, like there is something wrong with us, and that we will never feel pleasure from sex.
    I think we need to realize women don't work like men. We need to learn how to learn to enjoy sex.
    If you can't beat um, join um right?

    SR or anyone, have you got any suggestions on how to try to enjoy sex?

  74. To Aug. 8th

    You are NOT an anomaly! You are a women who has respect for herself. He sounds like the type of guy who is looking for a live sex toy. It is that type of behavior that gives men a bad name. Women should NEVER put up with that kind of treatment. ..I truly hope there isn't any abuse involved.
    Best of luck to you and remember to keep your self respect and stay strong!

  75. Or maybe I'll bend over backwards give her a few days where I take care of the kids, do the chores, give massages, and watch chick flicks with her and she still doesn't want anything to do with sex. Actually there's no maybe about it. I'm sorry, but you woman think you know what you want, but when you get it you're still not satisfied I'm about to lose it

  76. My conclusions from reading all these posts is that sex is extemley important to men while it is obviously not that important to many women.
    Men don't understand why their wives won't give them more, even a quickie or a BJ….5 min. out of her day won't kill her, right? While, on the other hand, they complain when the women isn't fully engaged. Well, guys, which is it?
    And women, quit leading the men on with telling them they will get some after they do such and such. Come on, you aren't going to be hot after your guy just because he did a load of laundry.

    To many men, sex is very important. That dosen't make them a bad guy. They are just a pretty normal male.

    To many women, sex isn't very important.
    That doesn't make them a bad gal. They are just a pretty normal female.

    So if you are married, it might help to quit blaming each other for being the way they are and figure out a compromise (part of being married) that will keep each other from "losing it" as August 20th expressed so well.

  77. I really don't understand why you Aaron are saying that give it to her when. She wants it one time a week and masturbate the other four nights a week I didn't marry her to play with myself neither did every other guy that married his significant other don't get me wrong I love my wife to death but I just don't understand some of the things I have read today the guys have a good point the girls on here have good points but also I mean it's hard to connect with someone sometimes and after sex I feel like it eases up a Little bit and it's easier to connect with my wife I wanna talk to her I wanna hold her I massage her and I hold her so much it's unreal my problem isn't as bad as some ppls problems on here but I really just don't understand how women can have sex with you all the time and then once your married it's slims down to almost none that suck completely sex to men is like a woman's hot bath that she longs for all day while she's at work it's what most any guy longs to have and longs to do it is natural say what you will but it is I don't mean to offend anyone but I'm very blunt and I will let it out like it is

  78. I now feel so sorry for any bride that I see on her wedding day as she doesn't realize that the honeymoon period is the start of the end of a happy life. After 25+ years of being married to my husband I've come to realize that as a wife you are only as good as the last time you performed! All those vows he promised you the day you married were just an act. The very fact that once you've got the ring on your finger automatically means you no longer exist as a person but as a cook, cleaner, mother,General dogs body and prostitute. If your husband can't be bothered to be a friend , a source of comfort and support or a father and husband without putting his need for sex first then it's fair to say that he doesn't see you as worth the effort. There are lots of men on here moaning about how little they get? Awe what a shame, when was the last time you made your lady feel special?and genuinely meant it. Not just stringing her along to get your end result. Imagine the sheer disappointment that after years of staying faithful and trying your best in the relationship you come to see that the man you devoted your future to is so shallow and consumed with life between his legs that this is as good as it gets! I thought that as the years went by the sign of a real man was his ability to be mature , realistic, loving and understanding. The male selfishness in the bedroom is enough to make any good woman turn to lesbianism.

  79. Interesting thread. I too suffer from a sexual incompatibility with my wife. I'm 37, she is 36, we've been married 6 years and have a 4 year old son. Before our son's birth, we had sex 3-4 times a week. We both worked full time, and contributed equally, with her taking the lion's share of house duties. After our son was born, she left her job, and I assumed almost complete financial responsibility. She took odd jobs, which in addition to caring for our son and the house, were exhausting. Our sex dwindled to 1-2 weeks. Now that seems downright excessive. She decided to start her own business, and I supported her 100%, leaving my job to watch our son, continuing to work part time to supplement our income, and working for her free of charge. I helped to establish her business, provided start up capital, and so on, all because I love her and I want her to be happy. Now she is totally consumed by her business, always complains about being too tired, rarely desires sex. We have sex at most 1x per month and only when she wants it. Any more than that and i am pressuring her, or being too demanding. Now even that 1x per month is becoming a chore I fear. Meanwhile, I am still supporting her financially by working for free, working part time to help supplement income, and am now doing the lion's share of child-rearing and household duties. I try to be more affectionate with her, but even when I try to hold her hand or cuddle she complains I am pressuring her. I send her emails throughout the day expressing my affection, which go unresponded. I try to tell her how much I love her, how much she means to me, and so on, romance her, all the suggestions women make to get her in the mood, and nothing works. She sets the schedule, I take what I can get, and still it's too much "pressure." She says she just wants me time but honestly she had less when we first started dating and we were together all the time … Don't know what to do. I've been in another relationship that ended over this and I don't want it to happen again.

  80. Update to my thread on 22nd August. Please don't misunderstand my opinions on this matter regarding how I feel about my husband's demands for more sex. I actually would not mind more sex but need the thing that turns me on most, and that is the safe warm loving feeling you get from a partner that respects your emotions and you as a person. I feel strongly that to give myself sexually to my partner is the ultimate in trust and have been left feeling on so many occasions badly let down. Have been reading here many men say that when a woman gets married she should know that she is obliged to tend to her man's needs? What about the man's obligation to love through sickness and health for better or worse! Also been reading some husbands say that their partner was quite sexually eager in the beginning, was this possibly because in the early days of marriage before kids and before the rut set in the man made more of an effort to be what their partners wanted? I'm afraid that as years go by things change, responsibilities commitments and attitudes. Most men not all seem to be incapable of growing and adapting to change. In my own experience my partner if he can't get enough of what he wants in the bedroom reverts back to being a boy again taking tantrums, ignoring me and taking less to do with the family. He also has a habit of saying "sex is just a physical act" well if that's the case I'm turned off straight away. If I'd wanted just a " physical act" I wouldn't have bothered getting married. He can then turn it around to suit and say " you've not been giving me any affection" so what am I to think? My love and commitment to our relationship of many years is my affection as well as many other ways I display affection. I am not a robot and don't want a life of just " a physical act" Young girls are brought up to have respect for themselves and their bodies and not to let anyone do things to them that they are not comfortable with, so why then would we let ourselves be disrespected in marriage by the person who is supposed to love us most? Also in this world nobody is perfect and for all the complaining my partner aims at me there's just as much I could complain about about him. So may I suggest to men that if you are not mature enough when getting married then don't. We need partners that can take the ups and downs in life also partners that have the ability to look at themselves when there's a problem and question " is there something I as a husband can be doing to help make this situation better" I personally would like more sexual intimacy but not at the expense of feeling like an object!

  81. Been there done that. My advise marriage after a certain amount of undisclosed time becomes a tool of control. One person trying to control the other. Suggestion: Don't get married! It will keep both people on their toes to please the other, and if things don't work out each can go there own separate ways. Nothing worse than a miserable, boring marriage that sex is being used as a leverage for control.

  82. Be very careful here and observe her quietly. I spoke to my wife about it too and she too got angry. There are major signs something is not right morally. Be advised.

  83. My husband of many years I'm sure is a narcissistic man. His behaviour is hard to deal with at the best of times but even harder to take if he is not getting enough in the bedroom. He can't see that his outbursts and rages over trivial issues is a major turn of for me. We do not communicate anymore on sensitive issues like sex as his point of view always has to be right. I went through a period of 14 months with possibly having cervical cancer and was uptight not knowing how I was going to be. Luckily it turned out that I was ok but during this time he never asked how I was or what my results were, and he wonders why I'm not moved by his cries for more sex. When younger I suffered from major panic attacks and thought that when I confided in my husband and asked for him to keep it between us until I found a way to cope that he would be understanding. Oh how I was wrong, I found out years later from our friends that they all knew about it at the time as my husband had told them. At times when for whatever reason I decline his advances he can react by having a rage saying things like " if you were a proper wife you wouldn't leave your husband frustrated like this" then go on to slam doors bang drawers and leave the house for work without saying goodbye to anyone including the kids. I'm often left thinking that if he were a proper husband and father then he would get up out of bed and help out rather than have a go about what he is not getting. I too am up getting ready for work and getting kids organised, why is it I have to address his needs and do everything else, leaving him free to go about looking out for number 1 ( himself)! Also myself and kids can endure days of silent treatment . None of this behaviour fills me with the desire for sex as I feel that by having sex it reinforces his behaviour and makes him think that I will happily take verbal abuse and still be a loving wife. Am I wrong? Or should I just shut up and put up even if this means more years of feeling used.

  84. At least your wife really shows she's not interested. What i'm dealing with is somewhat similar, the only difference is my wife loves to tease. She touches, rubs and sometimes even give 30 second oral sex and after that just leaves me hanging and when i try to pursue what's been started i get rejected. I tried explaining how important it is for me to make love , how much i feel connected and loved each time we do the deed but i still get nothing, sometime i get lucky and i get a halfhearted sex session that she wants to get over with as soon as possible (by the way, we have sex, the halfhearted one, around 1 to 2 times a month). i'm so tempted to look outside our marriage but i just can't do it. i don't feel that her not having sex with me can justify the hurt i could possibly give her when i do that to her, even if she doesn't find out.

  85. For all men ( husbands) on this site posting about how it's "a wife's duty to have sex with her husband" or "why can't she just give me what I want"try looking at it from our point of view, having kids to look after is demanding enough without the husband turning into another kid in the family! We need a supportive partner to be there through all life's ups and downs. If my partner at least tried to be more understanding then the chances of an increase in sex would be greater than at present with his constant complaints or what is it men like to call it? Nagging! My advice is grow up, man up and be able to accept that life is not a perfect bed of roses and try a bit of old fashioned romance and take an interest in your wife as a woman with needs also.

  86. Agree with Aug. 26

    The woman has to tolerate the husbands over sex drive just as much as the husband has to deal with the wife's lack there of.

  87. Low sex drive is just that: a low sex drive.
    It is not one person playing mind games to control the other person. It is not someone trying to be mean and vindictive. It is not that someone doesn't love you anymore. It means they don't have a strong drive for sex. They don't have the strong urges. They often don't even think about sex except when their partner keeps bringing it up. It is not something they have control over.
    It is very much like hunger. If you aren't hungry, you can't make yourself hungry. You don't think about eating until you ARE hungry. And no matter how hard a person wants to make another person hungry, they can't. Sorry.
    It saddens me that many (I will use Men) get angry at their wives because they aren't hungry for sex as much as they are . Most People don't suppress their sex drive to make you mad or control you!!!
    Yes, they could give you more sex. But It might not be the kind of sex you are longing for at the moment, but if they offer, please accept and make yourself feel better.
    Quit blaming them for Your higher sex drive!
    You are hungry, they are not.
    Oh, and just because they were hungry all the time when you first got together, doesn't mean they will continue to be hungry as often later in the relationship. You can't Make them want it more.

  88. I agree with August 29, I have found that after 20+ years of marriage that at the times that I don't have a hunger for sex I feel the need for the friendship of the man I married years ago. I spent all my married life doing exactly what was expected of a wife and mother and now from time to time it would be nice to remember the days when we had somethings in common and not just be the source of my husband's physical needs. I have spent 95% of the last 15 years at least going to bed on my own while he sits up till all hours smoking pot, leaving me feeling ignored and neglected. Yet come first thing in the morning when the male urge sets in I'm expected to oblige? We also sit in almost complete silence for entire evenings in each other's company as he says that he is not interested in "trivial conversation" I would like to talk about all manner of things that are both important and trivial but now don't bother as I'm sick of feeling as though I'm being an irritation to him. So I'm not in the slightest bit interested anymore in catering to my selfish mans needs. If he can't make time for us or can't be bothered talking then I'm not giving him the most intimate part of me! It's our 25th wedding anniversary soon and I was making plans for a special break away for us but due to his lack of interest I've decided to cancel. He has spent more time devoted to his interests and pursuits and never once asked about plans for our special event. I'm completely sure that if I wasn't married to this self centred man then another man who knows how to treat a woman properly could have been having a great sex life as I'm not opposed to sex but I'm no door mat either. To all men please realize that a lack of sex is not a loss of feeling of love for you it's just that your partner is needing something more meaningful than a quick fumble in the sack! A little interest in the person your spending your life with goes a long way. Imagine if you had a daughter or indeed if you already have a daughter, would you want her to spend the rest of her days in an unhappy marriage where the husband's needs always came first and she was left feeling like a slave to her man?

  89. I try my hardest all the time to do the right thing to letting her sleep in whenever i am here in the mornings changing nappies helping out with everything. Even buying her anything she wants. Me and the kids even have one night away a week to let her have a break by spending the night in the caravan so she can do as she wants. even after all this it can be months and months with out anything at all.Am getting to the point now of anger and frustration and soon will slowly stop helping to do anything. Just want a little bit of affection for all i help with and not a simple rejection or told where to go when i try. 2 years ago it was out of control we could not walk past each other without having to sneak away and a times we would have sex upto 20 times a week. Starting to suspect cheating even though she is the most loyal lady around.

  90. To August 30 above,

    My guess is she is Not cheating. Men don't seem to understand that women's sex drives change over time. It would be best for you to talk to her and tell her you are going crazy. Perhaps you could have a regular day/time for sex. That way you will know you will get your affection and she knows that is the time you two have together so she can get herself mentally geared up for it. Just a suggestion. Best of luck.

  91. I so badly want sex. Wife refuses. It's been ages now. I have told her in so many words too. She says she is trying to get out of a bad phase she is in. I have supported her all through the bad phase but nada. I am now on passive aggressive mode with my wife and don't speak unless required. All I can say is this….it feels pathetic.

  92. TO ALL THE WOMAN WHO SAY WE SHOULD JUST GET OVER IT AND LEARN TO ADAPT.ISNT THAT BEING SELFISH?? IF WE SACRIFICE OURSELVES FOR YOU AS IN WORK A FULLTIME JOB A PART TIME JOB DO CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE HELP YOU IN ANYWAY WE CAN POSSIBLE AND DO THINGS FOR YOU THAT WE DONT WANT TO OR DO T FEEL LIKE JUST TO SEE YOU WITH A SMILE AND FEEL HAPPY, WHY CANT YOU SACRIFICE IN PLEASURING YOUR MAN.NOT SAYING TO HAVE SEX EVERYDAY BUT AT LEAST WITHIN REASON OR IF NOT SEX EVEN ORAL IS SHOWING HIM YOU CARE.GIRLS HAVE THEIR NEEDS AND MOST MEN GIVE THEM THEIR NEEDS WHATEVER THEY ARE AND US MEN NEED OURS WHICH WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT IS MOST OF THE TIME.WHY CANT THEY BE MET.ITS NOT ALL ABOUT HAPPG WIFE HAPPY LIFE.WHAT ABOUT US MEN DONT WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY???

  93. Humans need and want sex. Men and women like and enjoy sex. Women and men are different. Anybody can enjoy sex to old age. Marriage dinamics kils the desire for sex most of the time, specially for women. Culture, education and religion had to do a lot with this. If a normal women is in love with a men and attracted to him, and he is romantic, most of the time this women wants to have sex with this men. Most men stop being romantic once they get married. Women start feeling that sex is a chore, and eventually don't want to have sex anymore.

  94. From the time we were married my husband was a 4 time a year let's have sex. We are now at a point that we never have any kind of intimacy. And haven't for 5 years. I no longer have any desire to fight it. We have been married for 25 years. I don't see it ever happening and I don't care anymore. Yes it has killed many things in our marriage but having been to a therapist and worked on me…I don't have to feel guilty because I tried for years. And now… I am A sexual and have no desire at all. Life happens and we can be negative nor look at the good things and be happy for them. I have learned not to wrap my life around my husband and to live my life. Grateful people are happy but not all happy people are grateful. I chose to be grateful for the many things I do have in this life.

  95. To August 31, Think I know where your going wrong, maybe the efforts you make with the practical side of being a partner are so abundantly obvious as being a "sacrifice". Would you honestly not bother to work full or part time if you were single? Would you not take care of the home you live in if you were single? Being married is not about point scoring, doing your bit in the home is not an entitlement to sex! It's part of being a responsible husband and father and a grown up. The part that is missing in most of these relationships where there's a lack of sex from the wife is the missing genuine interest by the husband in seeing his wife as a person. Remember the early days in the relationship when you all couldn't be anymore romantic when you said all the right things and made an effort to create some romance. Now the ring has been on her finger for some years and she is just part of your entitlement. I am a wife, I work, look after the kids and home as well as many other duties, but I don't expect a pat on the back for doing those things, I just do them! My own personal experience is that I couldn't care less about the trivial things like housework and who does the most, my partner the majority of the time is selfish on so many other levels and has an arrogant approach to myself and kids. If he could change is attitude towards us then I would have more respect for him and he would definitely get more sex. As it stands I have no desire to be intimate with someone who has no sense of genuine care and respect for his family. Wife's can tell the difference between when you do things to really help out or to make life easier and when things are done just because you want sex. Sex for a woman is far more enjoyable when there is a real connection of love and not simply being made to feel like it's a duty. My partner takes major tantrums if he does not get sex when he wants. That lack of respect shown by him is a major turn off for me and so he then creates a situation where my interest in sex with him is drastically reduced. It's a catch 22 situation , if only he would respect that when I say no to sex at that particular moment does not mean I don't have a genuine reason. I do not reject him to hurt him but if I tell him that I'm unwell or tired or for any other reason can't have sex then he tells me that I'm just" MAKING EXCUSES". I say that if he feels so bad about it all and he is unwilling to work through our current situation then I don't understand why he is still with us. I'm not forcing him to stay if things are so miserable.

  96. Wow, had I only known that I was supposed to have sex with my husband when he wanted it, the way he wanted it, no matter what, until death do us part, I would have run like hell.
    I thought marriage was a foundation for raising children and maintaining the safety of those children until they were grown. A union of mutual respect and ?love? for each other. To support each other through the good times and the bad.
    My vows said to love and cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. My vows never said anything about sex on demand.
    Webster's defines marriage as: a special kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a family; an intimate or close union. Intimate: belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature; marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity or marked by a warm friendship developing through long association. Intimacy: the state of being intimate: FAMILIARITY. No where does it mention sex.

    I do believe we have forgotten the prime reason to form a marriage: Family.
    I guess my reasons for getting married must have been a little old fashioned.

  97. Wow, what a read. I want to have sex all the time. My wife mot so much. We used to have sex everyday. It was great. All kinds of crazy sex. Then one day it dropped off. In think there in is the problem. I became a custom to sex everyday. I became a custom to crazy wild passionate sex. Then it stopped. For years we had sex everyday unless she was on the bleed. Sometimes we even had a good fuck while she was on the bleed. It was awesome. Each time better than the last, i looked forward to it at the end of my day. Then it stopped. 7 days a week to maybe 2. Now maybe 1 if i am lucky. Forgetting that it is sex, and say it is… a killer sandwich. Man i love that sandwich. It fills a hole. It satisfies me. I can count on it after a long day. Now take away that sandwich. I miss that sandwich. I dream about that sandwich. I want my sandwich. I mean it has been there for me for years, now its gone. I dont want oatmeal i want my sandwich. We get used to things as men. We are creatures of habit.i could live my routine everyday for the rest of my life and die happy with that sandwich. But i no longer have it. Im hungry.i always feel hungry.and when I get a sandwich now it sucks. Just some quikly thrown together meat on bread. She is just to tired to make it any more. So i go hungry. Left with a gnawing sensation in my gut. Is it my fault i feel like this? Didnt she help make me this way? Im not saying i need to fuck the shit out of her everynight, but let us at least be epic a few times a week. I think the big problem is women all of a sudden lose the desire they helped build with their man. I love my wife, i love fucking my wife.but i miss the sex we once had.the sex she is too tired to try and have again. For awhile i thought she was cheating on me.i no longer think that is the case, but it caused a lot of hurt. I wish she had weened me off the pussy, not made me quit cold turkey. It was kinda a dick move on her part. As of now we have had sex maybe 10 times i the past 3 months. Out of those 10 maybe 2 could rate as epic fucks. By epic i mean we both came hard on each other, no tv dinner pokes. None of this ill move my panties to the side so you can slip it in while i sleep… sorry to rant, i just wish we never had so much sex in the past. It is making my future seem like a… sexless wasteland…

  98. September 2, I know exactly what you mean, think I'd much rather be on my own than have a life of being constantly told that everything's not good enough. I'm constantly being woken out of my sleep by my inconsiderate husband looking for sex. It can be any hour of the night or morning and it just makes my blood boil. The fact that he is doing this shows absolutely no care or concern for me, I really need my sleep and to be woken constantly to satisfy his needs is so cruel. He once told me that if he got all the sex he wanted then I would have a happier life as he would be so happy. If he gets all the sex he wants then that leaves me feeling cheap and degraded that I had to perform just to get a quiet life. I don't feel any sense of a friendship between us after 20+ years together so having sex with someone who now feels like a stranger to me. My husband wants sex every morning and the mornings are so busy with getting kids ready for school and organising everything for the day ahead, I've learned that if he does not get sex he will not help out in any way and bangs doors, slams drawers and leaves the home without saying goodbye to anyone. Come to think of it even when he does get sex he still does absolutely nothing to help, oh and he is not the only one getting out to work! I work also. What a "CATCH" eh ? How lucky am I? I Just can't understand how with all his inconsiderations I'm not so so desperate to pleasure him daily??? Doesn't take a brain surgeon to work that one out. By the way I'm not opposed to sex in fact I do enjoy it very much but a bit of effort on my husband's part would make the world of a difference. It's not asking a lot to be taken out now and then , wined & dined at home, given a massage or at the very least be a friend to talk to and a support when needed. It's not asking much, but then with my husband's massive sense of "POOR ME" what chance have I got of any of that happening?

  99. To all of you men out there complaining about a low sex marriage, one question:

    Would you rather have regular duty sex or no sex at all? If the wife can't pretend to be lusty, passionate, and horny (when she is not), would duty sex be good enough to keep you from complaining?

  100. To anonymous 8:03

    Wow, sorry, sounds like every woman's nightmare.
    Behavior like that makes women grow to hate sex.
    Dosen't he realize that if you gave him all the sex he wanted, his life would be miserable because you would be miserable? If it is only sex that makes him happy, let's prey to God he doesn't get ED. Or wait, perhaps we should prey he Does for your sake.
    Best of luck with your situation.

  101. Well put. We are alway hearing the wife's side always tired to have sex. What of the man who has to handle all the responsibilities of providing for the wife and kids. Handle the stress of the office only to come home and get shut out. Is it better that the husband no longer finds his wife sexy and seeks this satisfaction else where?

  102. So, a wife can be loving, caring, pretty, smart, funny, hard working, good mother, handyman, income supplier, etc., but if she doesn't want sex as much as you do she's not worth 2 cents in your book?

    It would be nice to know I'm loved for the PERSON I am, not for the sex I choose to supply.

    I agree with 7:41 in that men tend to confuse "affection" with sex.

    And for 12:16, I'm not sure what you mean by "get shut out", is she mean and nasty or just not wanting sex at the moment?
    And to your comment that women are always too tired to have sex:

    This might not make any sense to you, but for many women, it takes A LOT of energy, both mental and physical, to get prepared for a romantic romp. For some, sex is more of a stress producer than a stress reliever.

    One thing I never understand is:

    Why are men Never Too Tired for sex?

  103. I almost feel sorry for the husband's that live their life between their legs, don't think they fully appreciate all aspects of their relationships with family and partner, I mean how can they if their minds are only 5% thinking of the family and the other 95% of the time thinking about their penis. And as for all the Times I hear a man complain about a lack of "affection" well let's tell it like it is, what your seeking has dam all to do with affection and we all know it. Getting physical satisfaction when you want it has nothing to do with affection it's just a need for a physical act! Think marriage vows should be rewritten to include " to promise to supply sex on request till the day you die no matter how you feel" might make a few brides reconsider the implications of being married.

  104. Okay, this seems to be struggle between American men and American women. Nowadays I am seeing more White American men being married to Asian women (black men to Asian women, too). It seems that a lot of American women hate American men or just man-haters in general. What if a woman is a lesbian deep down inside, which is where her real desires may be? Do lesbians go through menopause? "Menopause" – the way it is spelled means a pause on men. Menopause may be forever and ever. I think American men (white or black) should date outside of their race and/or nationality. Many women in a lot of foreign countries treat their men like kings. As for Asian women, they "love you long time." People may laugh at that phrase, but it is true. Maybe it is the diet in these countries whereas American food is so full of chemicals and hormones.

  105. I too suffer from this. I work 2 jobs, do the majority of cooking, cleaning, lawn care, fixing, laundry..etc and my wife does very little that I'm tired from work is bullshit in my opinion. When there is a sex drought, I feel rejected, angry, used, belittled…etc but I married for life. I want this fixed, suggestions?

  106. To September 8, what about talking with your wife?and I don't mean do what my husband does ie shout and argue in a rage. The thing that amazed me about my situation with my husband's anger at my lack of interest in sex was that if it were the other way round and he had developed a low sex drive and I was left wanting more then I'd be more worried or concerned about my husband. I'd be worried that he had an illness, was having an affair, didn't find me attractive or many other possibilities. My husband's first and only reaction to my lower sex drive has always been " what about me"? "when am I getting what I want" ?topped with a load of anger. Well thanks for all the care,concern and interest in working through this together. His "poor me " attitude tells me a lot about the way he sees our long marriage and I don't think it's an attitude I want to live with for the rest of my life. Coming second place to his needs does not fill me with the emotions required to want to have sex. This whole experience has made me feel more like my husband's property rather than his partner, not pleasant and in some way I feel betrayed and let down. I see a lot of men on this site say how it's not fair, well didn't anyone tell you that life's not fair! There are many many things in our marriage that I find extremely unfair but I don't bitch on about them. If you don't like something in your life then do something about it.

  107. Yes, the low desire person controls the situation.
    The person with the higher desire is the one "missing" something in the relationship and the general opinion is that it is the low desire persons responsibility to fix it. Often (not always) the low desire tries to fix "their problem" without success. Wouldn't it make sense then, for the high desire person to try to help fix the situation by trying to lower their libido?
    Seriously, wouldn't it be better to not need sex as often as opposed to becoming angry, frustrated, hurting, and resentful because your partner can't fill your void. If the void went away, so would all the anger, frustration, hurt and resentfulness. Nobody has to divorce, cheat, or resent their partner. Go to your doctor and see what you can do to decrease your need and live in harmony.
    Take back your control. It's probably a lot easier than trying to increase a low libido.

  108. Hello im in the same situation I feel rejected because my wife says sex has nothing to do with a marriage being good. We both work and we have to kids . Evan after I get off from work ill come home cook and clean deal with kids homework baths and whatever. But ill pick and try to flirt with my wife. But she blows me off and is always coming up with excuses. We never had problems in our marriage but its like all o sudden now i feel like she dont want me or need me and I dont want a divorce but I got feelings and emotions that I want to share with her. But she dont want to be around me when she gets home from work I try to have super ready becouse I like to do things for her. But I need help I feel worthless and helpless what can I do arron

  109. I have been married for over 30 years to the most wonderful loving man. We have a great life together, enjoy each others company, and enjoy the same hobbies. My sex drive has always been lower than my husbands and at this point (after menopause) I now no longer have a sex drive. But, we have managed to still have a regular sexual relationship though it takes much more effort on my part these days. Marriage has been wonderful for me.
    But, even after all of these years of marriage, I still have a hard time understanding and accepting male sexuality.

    What is Sad for me is that because of the:

    announcements of sexual conquests in high school, masturbation, incest, rape, pornography, strip clubs, prostitutes, one night stands, girly magazines, sexual advertisements, Tiger Woods,
    Viking Football orgies, the list goes on,

    I am unable to look at sex as solely a loving intimate connection (even in a marriage) with the person I love.

    I have a hard time getting my head around the ability of men to be able to separate sex and love.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that often I don't feel like my husband needs affection from me as much as he needs the raw sex. And that leaves me feeling like any of the above (prostitute, porn star, one night stand, ect.) And even after all of these years and a wonderful relationship, it leaves me feeling not too great about sex.

    If my husband were to start to beg, whine, or get angry when I wasn't in the mood, I can tell you I wouldn't think it was because he was missing connecting with ME! It's awful not knowing if your husband wants to genuinely connect and feel loved or if he just needs sex.

    Yes, I have been a gatekeeper at times, but sometimes I'm just not up to feeling used.
    Thank you very much.

  110. Ladies I'm afraid that after reading all your posts and talking with my female friends I think that what your men really really want is a wife that will put up and shut up! Think if we could be replaced by a SEX ROBOT that does housework then men would be very content. Didn't actually think they married us for our appealing personality, did you?

  111. Me and my wife are fairly newlyweds. We have been together for seven years and married for two years. I am 25 years old and she is 24. We do have any children. I work more than full time and she works part time and goes to college. Currently, our "no pants dance" numbers are about once a week at the most and if that. I try to take as mic off her plate as I possibly can with household chores and errands. Every time I try to engage the "mattress momba" she just rolls over or just falls asleep. I have voiced my concerns with her and at the conversation I felt our current drought situation will continue, and I was right. I know she deals with hyperthyroidism and I think it could be a possible culprit. However, I am not a doctor and couldn't definitively say that's the problem. Even if I try to be romantic she just says "Aww, how sweet" and when I see the chance to lay the moves down I get "I'm tired and ready to go to bed." EVERYTIME. I'm at the point to where I have stopped trying. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  112. ReadyForChange,

    Ironically, I was on this forum looking for something, ANYTHING, that may help my flailing sex life with an otherwise great relationship. Instead, I came across your problem, and think I can help share some perspective.

    I have the same schedule your husband does, three 12 hour days, four days off. I find that I'm most in the mood the days I'm coming home from work. I wasn't quite sure why that was until your post got me thinking about it.

    On days I work, I feel accomplished. Despite the fact that job is kind of menial, and not very physical, I still feel as though I did some good for the company I work for, and for my family (consisting of me, my wife, and our cat, no kids.) Because of this feeling of accomplishment, I have this…like…primal urge to go home and just !&$@! my wife, like I have just gotten back from a fresh kill and brought home meat for the tribe. I work in IT, so it's not even CLOSE to that, but I still feel very manly coming home from a long day of work, knowing I just made some decent money for my long day of labor. The problem is, I walk in the door at about 7 in the morning, and my wife isn't at all awake or in the mood, so most of the time I go to bed unsatisfied and disappointed. I don't slight her for it, but I have to admit, I feel pretty emasculated hearing "I'm too tired" all the time (and there isn't the offer on the table like you have for off either, which is a whole different set of problems…)

    So, as bizarre and controlling as this sounds, my suggestion is to find some "man" chores for him and put him to work doing them, then jump him when he comes from finishing, like a reward for doing "men's work." It sounds sexist and stupid, but being denied sex after a hard day in salt mines (even if it's not all that hard) can feel really emasculating, and when you didn't work, you, on some level, don't feel all that entitled to the reward. The moments come and gone now, so that window has passed. In other words, he isn't in the mood because he has to work to get there. So give him some work on an off day… something that's "too hard" (or that maybe actually is physically TOO HARD) for you… then reward him when he feels accomplished. Just don't make him work so hard he just wants to sleep lol!

  113. His Needs vs. Her Needs

    Who's are more important?
    How do we get them met?

    It looks like it's the expectations we put on marriage and our partners. I actually don't remember any vows telling me I will have sex so many times a week or else, yet my partner probably entered marriage THINKING I would want sex as often as they do.
    Where does that assumption come from?
    I don't know, but that is where the problem lies…expectations.

    When a guy feels like "she never wants sex" it is probably because he does want it. He needs it to either feel connected, wanted, for the physical release, to reduce stress, for self validation, any number of reasons. The guy needs his sex.

    Well, when she's "Not in the mood", she doesn't have the same needs at the moment (or for the week, month, the year, however long).

    Because our social/religious structure of marriage requires sexual fidelity, the expectation is that the partner is to meet the other's sexual needs if They need them or Not. Now what's wrong with this picture?

    What's the poor person to do if the other doesn't need what they need at the same time ?

    Feel resentful, angry, hurt, manipulated, and because we are human, let's throw in a little rejection.

    We ALL use sex to make us feel better for a million different reasons. Some of us need to feel better more often than others.

    We need to ask ourselves: Who's needs are more important? Why are they more important?
    And then talk about it.

  114. I guess I'm the HDP, but I work all week long on the road. I'm only home on weekends. I treat her like the queen of England. I spoil her. I do everything to make her happy and I'm lucky to get intimate with her a couple times a month sometimes not at all. She sits at home all week, I know she's not cheating on me, but I can't figure out why she never wants to be intimate with me. It makes me feel like I don't mean as much to her, as she does to me. We are unmarried at this point and all I want is to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want to have temptation to cheat down the road, because my hand is the closest thing to sex I'd get. I don't feel like I want it all the time. I don't think it's a bad thing to want to engage with my partner after a long weeks work though. If you have anything to say that would help me out, I'd be great full. Thank you

  115. Women won't have sex with their husbands because they believe they should not have to any more. They got the man they wanted through coercion, false pretenses, lies, and fraud. They put in the work already. Why plow that field again?

    Women believe that they should not be expected to perform any "task", at any time, and in any

  116. I believe I read a comment on the "Husband always wants sex" that said that we women should be happy our husband still desires you and wants to have sex with you all the time.
    Well, perhaps you guys should be glad when the wife doesn't need sex very often. It means she feels content and connected to you. It's a good sign.
    Feeling loved, connected, desired, are all needs.
    This article talks about the guy who needs sex to feel connected to his wife. Well, that's great, but have you asked yourself why you need to feel connected more often than your wife does? How are her needs being met while yours aren't?
    Are there other forms of intimacy that you aren't getting that can help you feel more connected to your wife.
    Is the ONLY way to feel connected and loved is through sex?
    Why do you not feel loved if you aren't getting the sex you need?
    What ELSE is missing?
    Is it just the sex for sex's sake?

  117. Women won't have sex with their husbands because they believe they should not have to any more. They got the man they wanted through coercion, false pretenses, lies, and fraud. They put in the work already. Why plow that field again?

    Women believe that they should not be expected to perform any "task", at any time, and in any

  118. We have birth control now which has taken away a natural roadblock to sex. Maybe, in our instant access to everything world, we are expecting easy access to sex also. If you don't get it and you don't get it when you want or need it, the other person is being selfish for withholding.
    In the past, the woman would get a natural break from sex with ovulation and the fear of pregnancy putting a moratorium on sex for a while EVERY month. Wonder if the men moaned and complained back then? Think it did them any good? It was a fact of life.
    Because of our easy access (except for women's moods) , and lack of fear from pregnancy, are we beginning to expect to much from sex? Are we becoming a selfish generation?

  119. Well I have a similar problem as a lot of yall.

    I am at my wits end. I am VERY much the HDP. When my wife and I got together we were like jackrabbits for about 4 years … then we had a kid which immediately dropped her libido in half, and for the last 15 years her libido had been growing less and less to the point that I am lucky if we have s3x once a month. It gets so bad that i will not take a medication that I NEED to be taking because my libido goes way up and while I manage to restrain myself from advances it throws me in to a major depression having to do so on top of the rebuffs.

    There is nothing that can be helped about the situation I love her and I know that she loves me. We have discussed this problem several times over the years and I have tried EVERYTHING that she has asked me to do and no matter what she just doesn't have the libido for it.

    The problem is that there are times … like today … that I literally cannot concentrate on anything else and my mind is scattered to the winds.
    When this happens I am like this until she wants it.

    I have thought about holding back on what she needs emotionally to prove a point but that wouldn't solve any problems and indeed would make them worse.

    I am so tired of the following:

    "Maybe later" – that translates in to some random time in the future but not anytime soon.

    "You already had some" – More than a week later.

    "Not tonight"

    " is home" – never-mind if she wants it it's fine.

    As far as birth control making us want it more for lack of fear. I that that the biological and evolutionary needs are more the trouble.

  120. man where was she at when i was single? every three hours heck yeah. sure sounds better than our 3 or 4 times a year.

  121. one word for your genetic theroy…….BULLSHIT. you and every other woman on the planet have free will. you chose to be who and what you are.

  122. Only when the female is fertile and only if she accepts you.. providing another male didn't beat you up first……. aaaahhhhh sounds like another male got to you.

  123. You cannot deny the biological differences between men and women. The average man desires sex much more often than the average woman. That's a fact. It doesn't diminish the love women have for their husbands. If you feel the woman is obligated to give in whenever the man desires sex, then it is clearly a chore. Expect her to behave accordingly. My advice is to ask how often she wants it and respect that. It will usually be once a week. You can also ask for quickies. But don't act like she owes you sex. It's not a need. It's a desire. You won't die. Learn to control your desires. Big boys do it all the time. Oh, and don't be a bad lover. Learn how to turn her on and finish the job. It goes both ways. If you want to leave because she isn't your sex slave? PLEASE GO! Make some other woman miserable with your demands. You won't be missed.

  124. I'm surprised the men/women here haven't figured out the obvious solution. One guy put it perfectly when he said that HSD and LSD simply are not compatible. If you aren't having sex at least twice per month (that is for married couples with children) I would suggest just finding a mistress to supplement. Obviously talk to your spouse first but if they simply won't change sorry but we have needs. If she discovers the affair just divorce. Every human being has ONE LIFE and we deserve to be happy in it. Women are full of excuses to not have sex once they bag and man and get a ring. I told my wife right up front if she withholds sex and I feel we are no longer sexually compatible then we will divorce because sex is too important to me. There are plenty of women out there who want it. I have lost track of the number of male friends I kbnow that left their wife for another woman because their wife wasn't putting out and they are happay as hell now. If the new one changes we can always move on to another one until we are too old to care about sex anymore. Live life!!

  125. So I am reading through the thread after searching info on my wife and her lack of desire for sex. I have been married for 18 years now. We have 2 children and have been through the highs and lows together. I am a very good looking, respectful and faithful husband but I have noticed that after hitting her mid 40's the desire to be intimate is not there for her. I am a man who aims to insure his woman is satisfied. I spend plenty of time covering every inch of her body before I even think of penetration. She is never dis-satisfied during sex. Recently, if I try to engage her she pushes me away as if I am some stranger grab assing her in a club. I pretty much have had my fill and am contemplating my next course of action. Women need to take care of their man. I cook, clean, take of my wife and kids. Every woman I meet seems to advance at me and the one I want most seems to have no interest. Just because a man isn't being fed at home doesn't mean he is gonna starve, he's just gonna get take out…… it's easy to do! The worst part is that I know myself very well and once I get grass on the other side of the fence I won't stop! Any Advice? I am open ears!

  126. Desiring a stranger for first time sex is quite different than desiring the same man for 15 years. The novelty wears off. It's not exciting. That does not mean you aren't attractive. It just means been there, done that a million times. If you place sex over your relationship, my advice is to leave. You won't be missed. Honestly. It's better than cheating. If you want to be honest, tell her that you would rather divorce than not have sex however many times you desire it. Be upfront about your priorities in life. She will like knowing that and it will make the divorce easier for her.

  127. Women do not want sex as often. Read that over and over. It's not you. It's simply that we don't want it. Explain to her how important it is for you. Maybe consider quickies. You have to respect her wishes. You have to understand that women are not men and that's ok. Relationships aren't easy. Give and take. If you want a long term relationship with a woman, you have to give up frequent, hot sex. Otherwise go find a new girl every few months. Advantages to both. Choose and stick with it instead of wanting your cake and eat it too.

  128. Really? Not taking care of our husband? What about those wives who endure constant emotional abuse and have been through years of constant ridicule? I have a high drive but my husband has been abusive and demeaning for the majority of our marriage and I have completely lost my desire for him! I know every time that He approaches me that if I say no he will turn against me in an emotionally abusive manner. The behavior has made it impossible for me to connect in that way with him. Now if he wants to go out and sleep with someone else then that negates the whole factor that sex is way for men to connect with their wives! Strangrt sex isn't about anything more then getting your rocks off! Men need to take more responsibility for the way they make their wives feel versus how they are feeling! You have no clue about women or how to connect. If my husband goes outside our marriage then that is on him and my lack of desire for the abusive, self absorbed man he is did not make him do anything.

  129. I try so hard to meet my husbands needs. It seems the more sex we have, the more frequent and kinky he wants it. He pushes all the time. It seems like an addiction that keeps getting worse. I can't take it anymore. The more he pushes, the more I hate sex. With him anyway. Wish he knew that it takes time for a woman's desire for sex to replenish. He is very selfish. Does not care if I want or enjoy it. All that matters is what and when he wants it. Yuck! Men who push ruin a womans sexual appetite.

  130. Too much of a good thing! I love lasagna, but if I had to eat it more than once a week, I would dread it and just go through the motions of eating it. My husband would complain too. Yet, when it comes to sex, he would have it every few hours. I just don't understand how it doesn't get boring, monotonous and downright annoying. It must be biological. Men can make babies several times a day. Women can get pregnant once a month and then carry that baby for 9 months and then nurse for another year. If you don't think biology makes men and women have varying sex drives, you are mistaken. Yes, we have free will and yes we OFTEN times have sex just to please our partner. You have to appreciate that and not take advantage of it. We can only take so much before we crack and refuse altogether. Just don't pressure too much or too often. Handle things on your own often.

  131. Go get your grass on the other side. See if it makes you happy. Egotistical, narcissistic jerk! What happens after the sex? Your ex and kids will forever look at you as the sex obsessed jerk that you are. Fair enough? Or, you could love and respect your wife. Discuss the situation without judgment or pressure or anger. Middle ground. Then be appreciated for being a mature, civilized and loving man.

  132. Women don't get the romance they desire from husbands but you don't see them threatening to get it outside the relationship. Grow up. Don't expect sex too frequently and it will be fine. Two people are involved and both are important. You don't want her to act like it's a chore? Then wait until she is ready. Enough of this BS that it is a need. Men go without all the time and live to see another day.

  133. I just had my 23rd anniversary last weekend. I am 52 my wife is 62. we havn't had sex in over 10 years. Last November at a funeral of a friend of mine, out of town, we stayed at a hotel and after a few shots of tequila, later we had an intimate time… no sex but touching. A few weeks later at home, in the morning, the same thing. Since then.. nothing. We went to a concert for our anniversary out of town and stayed at a hotel, I tried to initiate something but was turned down. The next night at home which was our actual anniversary, we talked and she said she'd had too much to drink the night before.. suggesting I thought, that tonight may be the night. Wrong. I'm sick of waiting, I think maybe she's having an affair and maybe the way I should go.

  134. Women step out almost as often as men when they don't get their "romance" [read: sufficient level of ass kissing]. Poor little things wanna be put on a pedestal all the time when they're mostly banal, boorish prudes from the Victorian era. How's that work out for you ladies. Go find the sensitive ponytail guy who is a sexual cripple and you'll be out bitching and looking for an alpha male who can finally. F U silly. Men, wake the hell up. There is no winning at this game. Dump their assess and find someone more compatible.

  135. And your miserable husband/boyfriend certainly won't miss your frigid and sexually repressed ass. Once a week? Who's your old man nailing on the side? Lol

  136. This article expresses the sole reason my attitude toward sex with my husband changed.

    When we were first married, we had sex all the time.
    Of course, part of that was the newness and the brain cocktail of the honeymoon period. It was great. We were sharing our sexual energy with each other.

    After my first child, I started losing interest in sex.
    Here is why:
    1. I had an infant who could not survive without my attention. Babies are exhausting.
    2. I had a full time job on top of a baby.
    3. I had a husband who started complaining that
    he wasn't getting enough attention sexually.

    I had an infant sucking most of my energy out of me. I had a husband who was beginning to become whiny about his sexual needs. That is when His true needs started to show.

    Like this article, my husband didn't feel connected or loved by me if he couldn't have sex with me.
    What is that? That is a needy person….someone who has to have me supply their feeling of self worth and validation. NOT sexy.

    What I needed was a man who could take care of himself (unlike an infant). A man who didn't need to suck more life energy out of me for him to feel good about HIMSELF, especially knowing I didn't have much to give at that time. I turned off to sex.
    It was a self protection action.

    I am turned on by a man who feels good about himself without my sexual approval. I get turned on by male 'energy' and power not by a male's need for sexual validation.

    I understand the male sexual tension. I have no problem relieving it as such and I do. That can be quick and easy. But, if sex is the only way he can feel loved by me, he has a big problem and I can't help. If he doesn't feel loved by me because I'm not initiating sex or slobbering all over his body, he has a bigger problem yet.

    I no longer enjoy sex because it isn't coming from a place of equality. He needs sex much more than I do and he needs it from a place of emptiness. He needs me to make him feel better about himself.

    I need him to come to me already feeling loved and good about himself. I need him to want to share his male sexual energy not come to me to give him male sexual energy.

    Having a baby opened my eyes to where my husband was coming from and it was a total turn off. My attitude about sex changed completely.

    Hope he can learn to feel good about himself without my sexual approval so he can come to the relationship filled with male energy to give. I'd love to turn back on to my guy.

    Please guys, don't rely on sex to make you feel good about yourself. It's a turn off. Find something you enjoy that floats your boat and fills your self esteem. Then come back to the relationship able to give of yourself instead of needing your woman to validate you as a person.
    That won't last too long.

  137. Yes! Whining does nothing but make the woman see the man as a needy baby! Exactly! And let's face it. That's exactly what most are. They feel unloved if they don't get sex every day? Really? That's BS. No woman needs a whiny, sex obsessed man to make her feel like sex is a chore. Pretty women can find a man to satisfy their needs any day, any time. Women work full time now. We don't need men financially. Time to grow up if you want a relationship. If not, that's fine! Go!

  138. I think some immature men get married to have easy, frequent sex. They don't really love the woman, they just love the easy sex. Women today work full time. They are less and less willing to fake desire. Why should they? Why should they turn something that should be enjoyable for both people into an act of service? Show respect for your wife as a person with her own desires and preferences. Only get married if you are willing to compromise because that is what marriage is. Two EQUALS sharing their lives. I've also heard that the most demanding men are the worst in bed. Selfish. All about him. Mature, respectful men know how to make love (and you can't learn that by watching porn) and respect their partners preferences. Those are the men worth marrying. If one is not in the mood, the other just waits.

  139. I now feel so sorry for any bride that I see on her wedding day as she doesn't realize that the honeymoon period is the start of the end of a happy life. After 25+ years of being married to my husband I've come to realize that as a wife you are only as good as the last time you performed! All those vows he promised you the day you married were just an act. The very fact that once you've got the ring on your finger automatically means you no longer exist as a person but as a cook, cleaner, mother,General dogs body and prostitute. If your husband can't be bothered to be a friend , a source of comfort and support or a father and husband without putting his need for sex first then it's fair to say that he doesn't see you as worth the effort. There are lots of men on here moaning about how little they get? Awe what a shame, when was the last time you made your lady feel special?and genuinely meant it. Not just stringing her along to get your end result. Imagine the sheer disappointment that after years of staying faithful and trying your best in the relationship you come to see that the man you devoted your future to is so shallow and consumed with life between his legs that this is as good as it gets! I thought that as the years went by the sign of a real man was his ability to be mature , realistic, loving and understanding. The male selfishness in the bedroom is enough to make any good woman turn to lesbianism.

    August 22, 2014 at 12:40 PM

    I just had to repost that. It actually made me cry! $&@# men and their angry demands about sex. Being a wife of one of these jerks is HELL on earth!

  140. I feel so incredibly sorry for everyone on this chat. All of these men who are are so angry at their wives. I have only one piece of advise for you. The nicer you are to your lady the more sex you will get. I have the low desire in our marriage, but I will do absolutely any explicit sexual act for my husband that he desires at any time. Because not a day goes by that he doesnt make me feel loved, respected, secure and safe. Its not an obligation, and because it osnt I just want to award him for being so good to me. ALL THE TIME. Maybe if you acted like you cared about your wife, she would to.

  141. Bit of advice for the man trying to pose as his fantasy wife above. Try to talk like a woman. Using words like explicit, secure, safe and award gave it away. And why would you be here reading if things were so wonderful for you? Nice try. And by the way, no woman views sex as an award. Nor should she. It should be a pleasurable wanted act between two equals. You can care about your husband and still not want sex ALL THE TIME. And we aren't in caveman times. Safe and secure? From what? Bears?

  142. Well aren't you the perfect little stepford wife. Explicit sex all the time as an award. Why exactly are you here reading and posting? LOL

    I don't think men quite understand what it feels like to have unwanted sex all the time. You don't eventually get into it. It is like any other chore. You can't wait until it's over. Men say they want their wives to be into it and then they say they want their wives to submit joyfully even if they aren't in the mood. They should try to accept women for who and what they are. Compromise is required.

    I read where women feel the same hunger for sex after 20 days of not having it that men feel after 1. If the hunger isn't there, you can't force it. Do you want your wife to fake it? Ask yourself how much faking you could do when you aren't hungry for sex. Can you try to imagine that? It wears on you! It creates resentment and a negative attitude about sex with that person. Is your sexual satisfaction more important than your wife's happiness? In many cases sadly the answer is yes.

    And to those of you that say men aren't in the mood to go to work, that's apples and oranges. You aren't taking your clothes off and being touched in sensitive places. Women may not feel like doing the dishes or picking up children or cleaning toilets or going to her job but they do it. We all have non sexual chores. That's part of being a grown up. Sex should not be a chore or an obligation. It should be mutually desired.

  143. As a husband. I've been in the same situation as all of you for the last 18 years of my 20 year marriage. I have finally given up and come to accept this way of life for the sake of being in the same home as my children. The last time initiated love making and was rejected, I told my wife "if you won't make love to me, I will find someone that will". I said it as honestly as I could without any anger or frustration.

    This is what I've done to finally get on with my life and still enjoy family life with my wife and kids. I wanted a no strings attached sexual relationship with someone, therefore i met a women in the same situation as me to have sex with 2-3 times a week. I kick myself for not doing this 18 years ago. We both satisfy each other and get back to our families. It's been 8 months and I haven't asked my wife to make love and can tell it somewhat bothers her, however, too bad. I don't need it from her as I'm now satisfied by someone that enjoys having sex with me. You snooze, you lose. I can actually say that our relationship is a lot less stressful and peaceful. It actually helped improve my marriage to the point where she wants to have sex however, too stubborn to initiate it. Oh well!

    True as it gets story of my life. I say, men…go for it.

  144. I'm SURE men don't understand what it feels like to have unwanted sex ALL the time. Most men can't imagine ever not wanting it.

    I liken it to finishing a huge meal and being forced to continue to eat until you vomit. Repeat daily until just the thought of food makes you sick. Oh, and while you're being force fed you need to smile and moan like you truly think the meal is delicious. Bring on more.

    Asking a woman to honestly crave sex and joyfully give her body to her husband when she doesn't want sex at the moment is like asking a man to start to penetrate a woman and after two thrusts stop, roll over, and tell me how wonderful that was. Then peacefully fall asleep.

    I believe that men think that once they are married, the sex will stay the same as it was before marriage. I also think men are under the impression that a wife is to always fulfill their sexual needs enthusiastically (oh, except on those rare occasions she REALLY doesn't want to) then she can provide charity sex.

    Guys, women can be over fed sex! When there isn't an internal urge, and we give lovingly over and over again because we love you, after a while the "lovingly" part goes away and it becomes a chore. We shut down because we become resentful of being used for your pleasure when we aren't into at the time. Sorry if that isn't as often as you would prefer.

    Maybe we are prude or frigid or whatever other names you can call us. Sorry, we are NOT male and don't have the biological drive to want sex as often as you. Ever wonder how wives can go for EVER without sex? They don't need it like you do. Women fluctuate by nature.

    Sex should be something that IS shared enthusiastically. If you want us to be into you, give us breaks. Compromise…it's not all about your needs. I can see how so many wives get turned off of sex. That is not right either…actually that is pretty sad and even sadder that it is so common.

    Start a marriage out by promising to only have sex when both partners are enthusiastic about getting it on. That way, both parties win and you don't create resentment and distaste for unwanted sex.

    Don't create a chore where a chore shouldn't exist.
    Sexual intimacy takes two and should be a treat enjoyed by two not enjoyed by just one.

  145. Why can't some men figure out that the more they get angry about sex, the less sex they will get? Do they really think complaining and getting pissed will make the woman want to have sex with them more often? It does the opposite. Some men are truly stupid,

  146. To the last post, You are a coward and a cheat! If you think that your marriage will last like that then you are more ignorant than you realize.. How about not acting like a jerk to her all the time and expecting her to just give it up whenever you want and start showing her respect and love by taking some of the load off her shoulders. You have already given up on your marriage if your sleeping with someone else just to be sexually pleasured. How would you feel if the tables were turned? better yet she will probably find someone herself to sleep with since you have become such a big headed pig and then you will find out just how long your marriage will last. ( NOT LONG) I advise anyone who read that post to disregard it all. If you are having sex issues, talk about it with your spouse and chances are you'll find out that ll they needed was you too show that you cared in a different way like helping with the kids, or taking out the trash, or maybe it's as simple as cuddling next to her while your favorite tv show is on. Dont be a pig and give up. Man up and figure it out, or get a divorce… Never cheat like thi pig.

  147. To the man above who brags about cheating: That's fine. Be sure to never have sex with your wife again. Even between affairs. She doesn't need or deserve an std. You think she doesn't know. She does. You think she is too stubborn to initiate sex with you when the more likely scenario is that she knows and wouldn't come near you with a 10 foot pole. Once the kids are gone, she will be too.
    You see, we take our responsibility to our kids seriously. She would rather keep the family intact and put up with your cheating butt until the kids are gone. It's actually a huge relief to not have to hear your whiny demands. You will be a lonely old man with your memories of affairs to keep you company. And thank the good Lord she won't have to deal with your ED issues. 🙂

  148. It's easy to have passionate sex with a man you haven't slept with a million times and who you haven't seen at their worst. You sir are a cheat and a liar. I'm quite sure your wife would be hurt if she knew (and chances are she does) but I'm also sure she would choose no sex with you to having sex as often as you wanted it. That may surprise you, but it's the truth. Once it's a chore… Game over.

  149. About 20% (1 in 5) girls were initiated into the world of sexual intimacy from "the dark side". Before the age of 18, 20% of those girls were sexually molested or abused typically by someone they knew and fully trusted. When this is your first sexual encounter, it can leave a terrible lasting impression with emotional damage that can last a life time.
    Guys, perhaps your woman truly doesn't want sex because it is emotionally painful for her. When she feels pressured to have sex when she isn't a willing participant, sex takes on a whole other meaning than making love.
    There is a Dark side to sex. It's not always pleasurable, thrilling, and fun! 20% of us women's first impression of sex was forced upon them by men they trusted. Often, they didn't even know what sex was.
    Commonly, the memories get repressed for years and something triggers the bad feeling to surface. For these poor women, sex truly isn't that great.

    It is not the girls fault that sex was forced upon her when she wasn't developmentally ready for it.
    We don't all love sex as much as you do and we probably have a pretty good reason for it.
    Sex isn't all fun and games.

  150. I also have same problum..

    Now I am doing an experiement..that i will not approach for sex first…i am waiting for when she ask me to have intercourse….i am doing this last 15 days and she approuch ones in this period

  151. The previous poster is correct. This should tell you something about the male mind and how he views females. They don't care if they want it. They want it and that's all that matters. Men ruin girls sexuality often at an early age. It is devastating and it is done for their sexual "needs". Sick, and evil. Men have no clue what unwanted sex does to a girl. They think if it's fun for them it should be fun for her. To put this in perspective, how would you feel if you were forced by Sandusky? Does that help you understand a little better what unwanted sex feels like?

  152. i dont know what to do either i feel stronger emotionally connected to my wife through sex but she never wants to and like someone said i feel rejected and when we do have sex its not because she wants to because she never orgasms we have sex less than one time in a month or even two sometimes i have only been married one year never cheated on her always tell her she is beautiful and hot and sexy doesnt matter what i say she still does not want sex and every time i ask her about it if its me or why she doesnt want to she gets mad i dont know what to doim only twenty i dont know if i can handle this for the rest of my life a year ago i had sex 5 to 7 times a week and as soon as my daughter was born 6 months ago
    like i said 1 time in 1 to 2 months

  153. My problem is not ever wanting sex. I and my husband want sex all the time. We don't go no more than one day without sex, and two is really pushing it. My husband is spoiled sexually, everyone we have sex I always give him oral. Whatever his sexual fantasy may be I fitful it. He is not just spoiled sexually but in every aspect of his life. I keep his home clean, our 3 kids well taking care of, bills payed on time, I never ask for money, tea never runs out in the fridge, food always cooked fit for a king, he ask I give, he wants I provide, he needs I find a way and more! He spoils me also im alot of ways, no marriage is perfect but I love my husband and what we have together. I was always taught to do unto your husband as you would have them do unto you, and to humble yourself in the down times and stand by your man no matter what weather they be right or wrong and for that you will be blessed, and more likely to get corporation, what you need, what you want and so on out of your husband if you do. A happy man makes a happy woman and vice versa. My problem is…..and I am a very beautiful woman, I keep very clean and well maintained, I workout everyday, I shave every night and keep bare down there, I don't smell bad….I know I check lol. My problem is I don't get foreplay, when I do I'm lucky, heck I'd take even a finger geesh! Because of this it makes me not want it because I feel cheated and neglected, then when day two passes with no sex because of this problem he gets ill and made with me. You don't jump in a car on a cold morning and crank it and go, you have to warm up the engine. Women need a slow hand and a soft touch. You can't expect a woman to get wet by just pleasing the man. You can't run and slide on a water slide without water and soap to slick it up. I'm thinking of going today and buying him some things he needs, a little to drink, spoil him in the bedroom with some new nighties tonight and then let him know, baby Mama needs her some foreplay to.

  154. I have been struggling with a ldp for a while also. I do have to say that my wife knows how important sex is for us and is willing to have sex pretty much whenever I want it, wich is not too often, usually once a week is fine.My struggle is with the fact that when we are having sex it is like she isnt even there. I am left feeling less connected to her than before we had sex, yet I continue to have sex with her to keep the mind quiet. Should I just be happy that my wife is willing to have sex whenever I want to and hope the meaningful sex returns in its own time?

  155. Yeah I've responded to a few posts above and after seeing this one I'm holding out and when my wife actually asks me to have sex (which probably happens once a year maybe) I'm going to say NO just for you. No excuses just NO end of story since it's my fault.

  156. You are an idiot. Not everyone has that thought when there are kids involed. You are worthless if you are going to take having sex over your kids well being. See my previous post and you will know that I definitely want sex from my wife but I'm not going to compromise that over my 3 kids. I hope you don't have kids….

  157. Just wow. I do the exact same things you do. My kids are my top priority – 5 year old going to soccer practice, games, etc – 3 year old soccer practice and 11 month old all of which my wife and I have a mutual understanding of taking over so the other has 10 minutes to relax. Life is hard with kids and it understandable how we all need time to ourselves for that piece of mind by ourselves but when you go 1 year and only have sex 6 times it tests every boundary you have. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my wife? Are we roommates now? Try sending a txt while you are out saying "Do you want to have some alone time tonight" only to get the response that "I'm exaughtest so we will see". It makes you feel unwanted and basically a married pervert to be honest. I've talked to my wife with no outcome. The only time we have sex is if we are drunk and about ready to pass out at 2 in the morning… she never asks me, never advances but I love my kids with all my heart so I would never put them through a divorce and I couldn't bear being without them. At this point I was just curious if anyone else was in my situation and it turns out there is. For the sake of my kids I will purl a smile on my face and live with my roommate I guess.

  158. I feel you and I are in very similar head space. Our situations are similar and it would appear as though you have chosen to do what I feel like is my last logical option. I love my wife so much, she is my spiritual counterpoint. I have never met anyone like her and feel so lucky to have found her. She loves me back and shows it in so many ways that I couldn't dream of hurting her. So I feel obligated to love her and stick with her for life because there isnt a better match for me in this world. That being said my heart sinks at the very though of giving up a sex life that in all honesty is long gone at this point. Now its just the realization that I have to swallow. Its emotionally painfull and leaves me feeling hollow and dark. But I know in my heart of hearts that even if there was some other woman that would satisfy me sexually in every conceivable fashion that the chances of her being the type of person I could love, respect, and feel this deep of a connection with is slim and none. My wife is the woman I love above all and if I have to make the sacrifice of my sex life then I guess I have to do exactly that.

  159. Your husband is an asshole of massive proportions. He is very self centered and needs a huge reality check. The world doesn't revolve around his desires. Make sure he knows it.

  160. Meaningful sex? Do you mean passionate sex? Maybe wait about a month, get a nice hotel room and some wine? Maybe do some slow foreplay that doesn't seem forced. A woman loves when a man is truly into touching and kissing every inch of her body.

    It's impossible to have passion weekly with the same man year after year after year. Been there done that a million times, you know? Do you want high frequency and passion? That may have to be with new girls every 6 months.

  161. Are you married or still married?
    I can't even begin to imagine marrying a wife like you and stay happily married for a single day!
    Gosh, I feel that I can't communicate with you at all .like talking to an alien.

  162. I am tired of the all the "I am tired", "tomorrow night ok? I promise", "I am beat at work, and now I have to serve you?" , so I can't totally feel with you guys.

    Frankly when she says"I give it to you tomorrow ok?" , I always feel like am a beggar or I am the dog wagging it's tail waiting for the owner to throw me a leftover bone and I still have to pretend to love it.
    Crap! For all the women who are out there , if you don't want the relationship to get worse or your husband to turn in the other direction, my advice is that there is a limit to what we can take.
    of course unless your intention is exactly that, then you have succeeded.

  163. I hate my boyfriend for this. I am on disability and can't work or drive, he gets up at 430 for his job, and wakes me up by groping my breasts and telling me how beautiful I am and wanting blow jobs and sex and I'm like, HELLO IM SLEEPING!!! he doesn't understand that I have a whole day of being at home, ALONE, with no car, no friends or family, and DO NOT WANT TO BE WOKEN UP FOR HIS BONER! he gets out at 330, so like, why can't we do it at night? Oh, cuz he goes out to the bar w his construction friends and has limp dick by the time he rolls in at 7 or 9, and I've been up now, ALONE, for over 12 hours. It makes me want to rip his dick off. I wear sports bras to bed and kick him if he lays a finger on me anymore.

  164. I have been married 20 years and we have 3 children. The oldest is in high school and our youngest is in middle school. When we dated and early in our marriage, my wife and I had a lot of sex and she initiated it almost as often as I did. Since the birth of our first, our sex life began to decline, and since the birth of our third, it dropped like a rock. Now, and for the past 10 years, it has been almost non-existent. In the past 3 years, we have had sex 8 times — I remember each of them clearly. My wife is at home and has not worked outside the house since she was pregnant with our first. I have mentioned my concern that I felt hurt and rejected, she apologizes, but nothing changes. She constantly complains she's too tired or has too much to do, but she always has time to exercise, play tennis with her girlfriends, volunteer at school functions or political campaigns. Now, I've grown so resentful, I'm just waiting for our youngest to go off to college and I will divorce her. For sex now, I don't even think of her anymore. Through all our years, I was never unfaithful and never even wanted to be, I used to love her very much. This past summer, however, I bumped into a woman (divorced) from one of my wife's book clubs — she is in two — at a couple of different parties, we became more and more friendly and we now see each other frequently for sex. At first, even though my wife has no interest in sex and I don't even like her anymore, I felt bad and guilty, but now I think it's great and wish I started to fool around on the side long ago. I don't see how she can complain, if she ever finds out, it's not like I am depriving or refusing her and I told her many times I thought the lack of sex was causing a divide in our marriage, but she made no real effort to change. She'd be awfully mad it's with a friend of hers, but I simply don't care at all anymore. I'd prefer not to divorce until the kids are out of the house, but that will be her choice and I can live with whatever comes. It really is a sad end to a relationship that I put so much into and I used to love her so much, now I can barely stand be in the same room with her. And all because she couldn't bother to cuddle or have sex once in awhile.

  165. I feel the same way! I'm searching for that what to do as well…Been married for only 4 years and I'm 34…I work 3 jobs help out around the house with dishes cleaning laundry as much as I can…I still find time for her but she always gets mad when I ask or wen make a move…she won't even talk about it…if I bring the subject of sex up and say like "what's going on am I not doing it good enough…or…do u want me to do something different." No matter how I approach it or what I say she gets mad and says I'm a sex Fein but we never have it so how can that be. I don't want a divorce either but if ur a man or woman this that line when u gotta decide whether u r going to be married and miserable or if u r going to go find happiness…I just don't know what to do….

  166. I've been together with my wife for 15 years. We're both 35. The problem is that our sex life is equivalent to that of a 60-year old couple. She will flirt and "grab ass" all day, but when it's time to get it on, she's always too tired. The only reason why I'm "cool" with this is that we have two kids (3y and 1y). I know it's a lot of work… especially on her. However, I'm so tired of the rejection. I'm starting to resent her more and more every day.

    The only time we ever have sex is if she reads some steamy chapter in one of her books.

    I went about 10 years without looking up porn. I found myself dabbling in it now because my wife never wants to have sex. I miss having a lover.

  167. Hi group I have a question that has been bugging me for a few years now and I'm wondering if I could get some feedback on it…

    My ex and I had numerous arguments about her being so secretive, after three and a half years of dating she only invited me to her house one time for dinner likewise she was at my house every weekend, so I asked her a few times at least 10 how come she never invites me over or in when I picked her up she lived alone we are both in their mid 40s and it was just very odd.

    Another issue was when we had sex it was only what she wanted… it got so bad that I had to ended. Any thoughts on this type of personality?

  168. I have been reading this blog for months. My husband and I have issues about frequency. I didn't appreciate the way he would handle not getting what he wanted from me for 7 years of our marriage. He recently changed his approach. He now messages me and says something like— i really love your beautiful body. I would love to see it tonight. Meet me in the bedroom at 9:00? This made a big difference in how I was made to feel. I didn't feel pressured. I felt wanted. It was a question, not a demand. Don't get me wrong. If he did this more than oh say 6 times a month, it would get old. But he's been reasonable about how often and he seems happy. If there is a good night for me, I will message him now too.

  169. I also have a big problem that you guys have. My problem is how much it happnes. We had lots of sex in the beginning and one day it just stopped. It did not go down gradually… it just stoped. We have sex like once in ever month or two and then she makes it seem as its a chore or a "help him out". She always has excuses like, not in the mood, im tired, i have a headache, or not feeling well. We have no kids yet. She works during the day and i am in full time studdy. I cook, i clean, do washing pack herlunch and get upearlyer than her to wake her up with some tea in the morning….etc… then she comes home expecting me to help more becase she says i dont do enough. There is one day in a week that she is offwork and she does not wanto atemt to wake me up withcoffy or tea becase she says she is tired. Ido it every other day why cant she do it once a week. And yes sex is always a fight beacuse she says she gives me enough, but come on really, only once a month or every second one. Please help guys..

  170. I really do not know what to think of this. Part of me would agree with some of what you said, however, I feel that you have only covered an aspect that seems to be biased toward an emotion that follows rejection and the feeling of being pressured. I am not suggesting that what you have said has no weight or that it could not pose a logical argument, nor am I questioning your intelligence or expertise on the matter. However, I do feel that it is lacking factual support and that it is a temporary "fix" for a potential chronic issue. Chronic issues that can become even more complicated than just "LDP" and "HPD". Conditions that cause that "LDP" or resentment toward that partner are huge factors and are very common. Conditions such as depression, change in libido ( which could be from depression, pregnancy, ect), sexual dysfunction that tends to lead to embarrassment ( which may lead to "low desire"), or it just may be painful. These are just some examples but the list can go on. Point is, Several aspects play a part than just the black and white you put it in. Instead of using logical fallacy to talk about some issues, maybe the underlying problems should be addressed and not just to "put a band aide" on it,for it to surface again later…perhaps even be more severe than prior to this generic brand of psychotherapy. Again, I am not questioning your opinion or expertise for these are only mere suggestions and opinions based on experience and questions asked.

    Regards

  171. This is coming from a high libido 29 year old male; sex is only part of a relationship I have been married for two years now and yes the amount of times we have sex has went down the sex is better. There is more of a connection now when we have sex married than when we were dating. My wife has a low libido and does not want sex all the time this is not a problem. I love oral and I get it maybe once a year and this is also fine. Why? Because were not 20 year old teenagers we can control our urges as adults. We have SEVEN kids and we still find time for sex twice a week. Is this ideal? Probably not; but if you practice patients and your man stops jerking off all the time this won't be an issue. I think about sex all the time which if fine but some of these women saying that their husband comes home wakes them up for sex at 4:00am what are you doing shame on you… It disgusts me to read what some of these 60 year old man are saying about not getting it enough. These are the same men that last for 5 minutes in bed your just a warm hole for them to masturbate in it sickens me. If your man can't last 20-40 minutes in bed he is not trying to satisfy you sex is a very mental exercise. I could cum in two minutes every time as well but why would I want to? Sex should not be a given; if he was single he would accept sex whenever it was available which surely wouldn't be more than twice a month with half the descriptions written here. It's a myth men don't need sex all the time they will think about it though; don't let some stupid controlling asshole trick you into thinking otherwise. They should respect your wishes and be romantic whether this is sitting through a rom com; or flowers; or even just a back rub turned nasty make him earn his piece of ass or we will treat you like a piece of ass. We teach people how to treat us this is the best advice I can give.

  172. just dont ask for sex for at lease 5 days she willcome to you alone and when she does u reject her with all the pain in the heart but wait for 2 weeks then u have all sex u want y woman like this

  173. I see it like this… I do many things in life daily that I do not want to do, working, 100% of the cleaning, paying the bills… and this is a dumb example but as much as I would hate to do something like pouring a gallon of milk over my head each week, you know what? I'd do it if it helped my wife suffer less. I'd do absolutely anything to save her from the torment that I go through.

    It's pure selfishness on the wives part. These wives do not deserve us at all.

  174. "as much as I would hate to do something like pouring a gallon of milk over my head each week, you know what? I'd do it if it helped my wife suffer less. I'd do absolutely anything to save her from the torment that I go through."

    I would love to see this one in action. Drives me crazy that yet another man links him going to work to his wife giving him sex. Exactly why do you think sex should be a chore for one partner? Women have chores, jobs too. Why should sex be one? Shouldn't sex be fun? It's not fun when forced.

    And if you truly want to save your wife from torment, don't demand that she have sex when she doesn't want to. Funny how that reasoning works!

  175. I have been going though this for awhile now. It's now been about seven weeks since our last encounter. My wife is on an anti-depressant which I know will decrease her libido. She also as a poor body image of herself. No matter how many times I tell how great she looks and how much I love who she is I always get the "there must be something wrong with you look". It seems like everyone's story starts of the same: when in the dating phase, sex is great and both partners are satisfied. Marriage and kids come and it get fewer. (Understandable) A few more years go by and the sex becomes less from maybe once/twice a week to once/twice a month. We're at the point where just the thought of her having sex makes her anxious. Here's another common theme, I also help out around the house, with the kids, etc. I do it because it's the right thing to do, not just to have sex, but the "just because" reason to have sex is always a great motivator to have your husband do anythingWe have a great relationship otherwise. I'm starting to feel crazy for being a sex crazied junkie. I will not cheat. I want to have sex with HER. MY wife! I am dedicated to her. I send her cutezie text messages to let her know I'm thinking about her. Nothing raunchy or dirty, but flirty and playful to let her know that I am attracted to her. What do I get…nothing. No response. I have this wishful thinking that she'll return with a playful message herself. I just don't get it. Years ago, we used to pass notes and SHE would be the one initiating the advances. So now it's almost 1am, and I'm depressed because I don't feel like a man. I don't feel like I'm a good husband. I feel myself spinning down the drain. I have more or less given up on the asking, begging, and pleading thing. I shouldn't have to. Im done ranting. That felt good. Thanks for reading.

  176. MISSING comment/Has anyone seen?

    My husband does all the chores and child care, so it makes me so attracted to him and we are intimate frequently.

    My wife wants me intimately and we do all the time because I listen to what she wants which is help with cooking, cleaning and child rearing.

  177. To the man who posted above, you sound like a decent guy. Your wife is depressed. She probably has no interest in life let alone sex. Antidepressants can get you through, but I don't think they foster a good life. The pills make you tired too. All day. I suggest you start an active hobby with her. Biking, hiking, walking or running, skating, skiing, tennis, anything that gets her moving and hopefully outdoors. It can help depression AND make her feel alive again.
    Female hormones can do a number on women. Pills have side effects. Outdoor exercise is the answer.

  178. To the low drive spouses. Even if you have someone who truly loves you, if you don't address the difference in sexual needs then no matter how good of a person your spouse is there will come a point where they will start to entertain seeing others.

    I am totally amazed by those who just think it is ok to not see a TOP priority whatever the TOP priority is of the other spouse. Sure you all have a thousand and one excuses as to why the high drive partner needs to "Grow Up" but sooner or later they will run into another person that is the person you used to be sans the excuses.

  179. Doc:

    What's the take on "expectations?"

    Men or HDP- sex will be all the time …..when National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior/other surveys says 70% + of married couples have sex 1 time week or less

    Women or LDP- expectations of being able to do all these things and have fulfilling relationship/marriage- with a HDP…considering the almost always HDP-LDP pair? By all these things, super job/long hours, long commute, super parent, super neat home (like someone who does it full time), super friend/involved, etc.

    Is there discussion on the math…exceeds 24 hours if you sleep….does not add up? (…..and putting intimacy of the relationship is simply a choice of priority)

  180. Women – If you think a giving hand job is boring just close your eyes and imagine you taking money out of your mans wallet in empty out full.

  181. Women are all sexual when they want something from you (ie. marriage, kids, money, gifts, etc.) How much they want something from you is display by their enthusiasm. After they get what they want they are done with desirable sex. I've heard all the excuses & have become quite sick of them (ie. chores, kids, tired, stress, biology) Bullshit. My wife wants me to rub her feet every night & I do because I love to make her feel special & that I don't need the desire to do that, but my wife never randomly offers a hand job (same as a foot rub). No I get the once a year "do you want to go in the bedroom, go down on me until orgasm and I will let you stick your penis in me while I lay there" crap. Women are all selfish. If you want to see a woman get her sexual desire back divorce her. However nowadays divorce laws giving her 50% of everything may just be enough to keep her from needing anything from a man.

    Have you ever noticed that there aren't any commercials to enhance female desire, it's because they wouldn't buy it. Men buy it because they are made to feel its there fault women have no desire. (ie. You don't help with chores , kids etc. or you don't listen to me, I feel ugly, blah, blah) Get over yourselves.

  182. My other half and I have been together for around 2years, I have bent over backwards for her in that time from quitting my good paying job so I could be home more to help raise her child, to waiting on her hand and foot…. I do anything she asks of me, just the other night out off the blue she comes out abd says I just dont like sex…. how can you go from doing it nightly to not liking it at all? Wtf? Now the only time we do have sex( abd that's a maybe only) is right before her period cause it eases the cramps… why is it only when you (she) wants it? Where is the intimacy? The desire? I'm so feed up being the roommate babysitter…. Hell she won't even sleep in the same bed with me…… thinking its time for a misstess

  183. Been having the same issues, all ways an excuse then when we do get it on its hurried to the point that its unenjoyable…….. Been considering a misstress

  184. Im 27 my fiance is 21. we arent even married yet. We have been living together for 7 months. I feel that her sex drive is completely gone. she blames it on BC pills, not in the mood, tired, dont feel good, sex hurts, stomach hurts, you name it and shes used it. i ask for sex maybe 2-3 times a week. we are both young. our sex life shouldnt be fading this quick. when we met and didnt live together we were dying to rip each others clothes off. the times we do have sex, shes not into it, or it takes 30-45min of persuading to get it started. at that point im almost no longer interested. id rather help myself and watch porn. this has made me feel rejected and miserable. ive thought in the past she was cheating on me and to this day i still feel it did happen, even though she will never admit even if she did. what im scared of is if this is how it is before getting married, i dont want to know how much worse itll get by the time we do get married. what makes me lose it is when i mention if she doesnt want to have sex then approve having another girl to satisfy me. im asking permission for my needs. her reply is, if you are having another girl im having another guy… really? wtf! you dont want sex with me but your dying to jump to another guy in a heartbeat. thats pretty fucked up because if we just had sex like a normal couple without the hassle and the headache or the games i wouldnt even be asking for another girl. i wont cheat on her i love her too much to do that, even if she really has cheated on me. she has no problem asking for help or a favor. get me a drink. make me food. rub my back. fold clothes. do wash. dust. clean. etc etc etc. its fucking exhausting and im at the point of debating if this relationship is worth sticking out. i love her with all my heart but theres no reason to settle with being unhappy when you feel there is no compromise or the chance of things getting better, only worse.

  185. After the first 6 months to a year, the excitement wanes for girls. It takes much more to get them in the mood with you. It doesn't just happen like with us every 5 Seconds. And face it. We want sex – not ncessarily with them. It's just easier with them. You either accept that getting sex more than once a week is gone, or you shouldn't get married. There are pros and cons to everything. If you love her and want to be married, settle for once a week. If you want sex more than you want her, don't get married and see if you can get it every other day. Good luck with that! Young men think marriage is frequent easy sex. It's not.

  186. I have the same problem, i dont know what to do anymore, everytime she has a new excuse, and i dont want to go and find it somewhere else because i love her, but i dont know if she still loves me, or does she sees me a roomate rather than her husband , please help, .

  187. Aaron, How important is sex in a relationship? if your answer is: Very….how much should the wife dedicate to the act of sex? 10 minutes per week? 4 weeks in a month with one week off for menstrual cycle. So… 30 minutes per month? –And can you give me an example of the amount of time and energy a married LDP should dedicate to there sex life per month. In my case….my wife (who is the LDP in the relationship) will put more energy into every other part of her life…including drinking, sleeping, and socializing without a thought about sex….and when we do have sex, she tells me to hurry. In fact, if I stopped asking her, she would be content on not doing it all. My opinion is a woman looses the desire to have sex in a long term relationship. I believe men will naturally be the HDP and a women is naturally LDP. I believe the opposite is a rarity. Any Doctor will tell a man that it is healthy to have sex as much as you can. This is healthy for a mans prostate and over all well being. It is also healthy for the relationship and not to mention, men will just about do anything that is requested of him. –How important is it to kiss before leaving for work in the morning? These are things that need to be done to maintain a long term relationship. I am over allowing a women "EVERY Excuse" as to why she does not have to be intimate. Letting them off the hook. If they do not want to be intimate, I believe the man should be able to look else where. We all struggle every day with work and bills and kids, etc. That doesn't give the women the right (in a mutual relationship) to cut off sex because of the every day pressures of life. Sex is a way to connect, to relax, to maintain your relationship. It is a tool of pleasure and stability. If women do not want to have sex on a regular, then they should not get into a relationship with men. 99% of men will tell you, they are NOT finished with sex after marriage and kids. What is even more amazing is men are frowned upon when we say these things.Not to mention, a woman's idea of communication, is the man listening to her. I am over it.

  188. Both my wife and I are 43 years old with 2 kids. She's a teacher. She is tired all the freakin time!! I think about sex all the time, she says she thinks about it but then by the time she gets home, etc is too tired. I used to say that she should make an effort, but then it turns into "sympathy sex" which pisses me off as well. Why can't she enjoy it like I do? Does she find me attractive? We go through stages. But almost always she is horny and wants it the first couple days after she finishes her period then were back to the same old, same old…. I try not to have the fights about it. I usually just give the silent treatment and try to "shame" her into being more forth coming but she has a habit of trying to "talk" about it. But whatever I say makes me look like the bad guy. I don't understand the demands and stress of her job and how tired she is….. Just this morning a big blow up before work. I told her its' one thing to say you're tired by if your aunt, or neighbour, etc called you to do something or them you would drop everthing and run! Why do I always have to be on the backburner? She played the tired cared again. That's when I said but your tired at night, in the morning, and in the middle of the day!! That's were it ended. Heading home in a couple hours to get ready to go to her xmas party. Do I apologize AGAIN? Do I act like nothing happened and move on? Do I stay mad and see how it plays out. This has just become a big game that nobody wins. I really love her. She is my best and only friend but I don't think its unreasonable for a husband to want sex at least a couple times a week and for the wife to be into it……

  189. YOU don't think it's unreasonable for your wife to be into sex a couple times a week? Here's the thing. She isn't. Women do not want sex nearly as often as men. You can think that's mean and unfair, but it's just fact. The more you push, the more she will hate sex with you. If you want one woman in a long term relationship, you have to accept that women do not want sex as often as men. Fighting about sex creates huge problems that aren't easily fixed.

  190. Lol, I'm sorry but that is the world we living in. You just do what you gotta do. Can you say STD'S, atleast you know he's clean.

  191. I know it has been a while since this was originally posted. I've gone through and read every comment.

    In a part relationship I was definitely the hdp. I was substantially younger than him. (About 19 years). I took care of a lot of the financial burdens in the house. He did pretty much all the cooking and cleaning. Very non traditional. I was at the time (and still am), in pretty good shape. I know I'm slim with long legs and a great rack. And he treated me so well. He rubbed my back every night, played with my hair, and yes, he understood me so well. He was very understanding, always supported my goals. And, when we had sex, it really was a connection for me. I had urges to have sex, not necessarily to orgasm myself, but just so I could feel him inside of me and feel his pleasure. It bothered me to no end that he never initiated. I would stand in the doorway to the bedroom in nothing but a black lace thong and bend over as he walked by and he wouldn't even slow down and look. No matter how attractive he told me I was, I still felt undesirable. I worked hard to support the two of us, didn't buy things out of our means, didn't ask for money. It didn't make any sense to me that he didn't want to initiate ever. (To be fair, he usually was agreeable when I initiated, but he just never initiated himself). To this day, I feel like that was one of the biggest driving factors when we split up. It took a huge toll on my self esteem and self confidence. I understand now that he was going through a depression. That doesn't mean it was any easier for me at the time though.

    Now, I'm my current relationship, I am definitely the ldp. I feel like he doesn't understand me well. I feel like he is overly jealous, controlling, and needy. He will tell me he wants things to go back to over a year ago when we were having more sex, and he felt more desired and attractive. He doesn't just want to have sex with me, he wants me to want it. I can't control that I don't want it anymore. I can not make myself want something I just don't want. I wish I did, truly. I don't want to feel cheap or used when we have sex because I know it should be a connection, and even without orgasming it should be a pleasurable experience.

    I took to the Internet and books. What could I do to raise my sex drive? The first bit of advice I read is that I need to feel happier in the relationship. I also need to express what I want and don't, what I like and don't.

    So I explained to him that I couldn't handle the jealousy. I explained how I felt I had given up much of my personality and who I am as a person to accommodate his insecurities. I need time apart to appreciate the time we have together more. (I don't mean breaking up, I just meant I want to be able, once a week or so, to go out with my girlfriend (and often her teenage kids) and just hang out. Have some me time. Without him. ) He responded that he needs me to be more intimate to calm his jealousy.

    Since we had that chat, he has made a huge effort to be more understanding. He still doesn't understand me out support me in the ways I wish he did, but I can clearly see he is making an effort. Just that effort alone makes me more open to intimacy with him. It makes it seem like less of a chore, and moreso that I am working towards the things in the relationship that I want. I still don't have my sex drive back, but at least I no longer dread the idea of sex. I'm in my mid 20s. I know I should be at my peak. It doesn't always work out that way.

    In any case my comparison between the two I think just shows that my previous relationship spoiled me. My current boyfriend works a lot and doesn't have the time or desire to treat me like a goddess. I'm not a goddess. I'm a woman. And with a little give and take in the relationship, there's nothing wrong with being mortal, so long as we're both happy.

  192. I wish my husband would put me up against the wall. Hold both my arms above my head with one hand. Kiss me passionately. Touch my breasts and undo his pants and take me right there. Just take charge. Quit whining and take charge.

  193. YES..YES YOU ARE!!! YOUR DEAD WRONG. Get your self together quick…or believe me…or dont believe me I could care less…but know that your man will stray if the woman in his life continually says no I dont want sex….good luck

  194. How about a husband like me that goes to work ( takes baby with ) for several hrs a day then cleans picks up oldest from school cooks dinner baths for both kids all by the time she gets home

    She won't have sex without my starting it and when we have sex she won't touch me and 3 times in 10 yrs she has told me she not attracted to me now says it's just sex isn't important to her and I'm have a sex addiction but I love my kids so like someone said I will smile and live in sexual misery

  195. It's just very stressful we did it all the time and now she is just makeing excuses all the time and I'm lucky if we get together once a month I don't like to hold her hand bad because I get horny as then I just get upset and don't want to talk I don't know what to do and its making them extremely frustrated.

  196. I have not seen a man say anytime/24/7 Most of these comments are heated because of sexual frustration, And say what you want ladies but you know what is being said here, Too tired again after nothing for months, Then asks me to drive her to a weekend piss up with her sister, A 500 mile round trip on my weekend off, You are no longer a part of me or my life as of today, And yes, I am going to ask you for my keys back. Enough is enough, Im human too, or did you forget?

  197. Totally different situations, You are just making an excuse for her behaviour because of your unfortunate situation, We men are not all animals you know, What about our feelings? The days of it all being a one sided problem (which of course is the males fault) are over for me, Your lack of desire for the abusive man, Sorry, but that's for you to sort out with the law if necessary, Don't just treat every male the same because you are lumbered with an arsehole of a man? I been there too with a woman, She used to spend my hard earned cash on lingerie for her bit on the side when I was at work, Be a witness, not a judge.

  198. My mrs thinks oral sex is to sit me down and talk me out of it.
    I just feel used and abused, Its been a horrible experience that has made me think it's just a form of control and mental abuse.
    How can you sleep in the same bed with your arse strategically planted on my leg, And then say not tonight, She said that half a year ago, Not much to ask really, Twice a year, She can keep it.

  199. My wife kept turning me down. Now she asks me for sex but doesn't realize I get myself off every morning so I'm not in the mood anymore. That and I'll get my "happy ending" massage weekly. This is what happens when you ignore the needs of your spouse…

  200. Wow. Just wow. Your miserable, bitter attitude toward your husband doesn't not warrant an absolute miserable and bitter attitude toward all men. You have allowed this abuse to continue so in all reality the fault lies with you. Instead of attacking all men as if we were all garbage, address the issues with the man you have allowed to make you so angry for so long.

  201. My wife and I have been married for 43 years. My wife hasn't allowed sex for 26 years. The hurt is indescribable. I have worked hard to pay all the bills and raise the 3 children, whom I adored. My desires and feelings mean absolutely nothing to my wife. We haven't slept in the same bedroom for 30 years. When I mentioned sex (years ago), my wife said that's all I ever think about, even though I hadn't had sex for 10 years at that time. I gave up. This all makes me feel worthless. But my wife doesn't care.

  202. I find this site very interesting. 'She never wants sex'…like this is unusual. It's only been a few decades ago that women weren't supposed to want, enjoy, or pursue sex. If they did, they were prostitutes, whores, and/or sluts. Premarital sex was forbidden and oral sex was against the law in many states.

    What did husbands do with these wives that only supplied duty sex? Did they feel unloved, unappreciated, unmanly? Did they get all the sex they wanted? Doubt it….you're dealing with women. I can bet my strict Dutch/German grandmother gave my grandfather a monthly allotment and nothing more.

    Now for the confusion. Since the sexual revolution of the 1960's, when women began to learn about arousal and orgasms and learned it was "ok" to enjoy sex, why are so many wives still not interested in sex? Why are 25% of marriages sexless and 43% of the complaints to therapists are from women who don't desire sex? Why are people expecting hot passionate sex till we are 80?
    Why are people suddenly feeling unloved if their partner isn't that into sex? If sex is so great, why are there still people who aren't much interested?

    Maybe, just maybe, it's because we are dealing with individuals and two different sexes that are wired differently. Perhaps we are dealing with reality and it doesn't fit our vision of the perfect sex life. Maybe we need to realize some people love sex and think it is fun, playful, and energizing/relaxing. Some people like it periodically for a special treat.
    Some don't particularly enjoy it at all…orgasm or not.

    How did we ever come up with the idea that sex (unlike any other "thing" in life) is automatically enjoyable to everybody if we a) do it right
    b) Have it often enough c) be deeply in love enough. Etc. etc. etc. ???????

    Come on guys, set your wife down and tell her you understand she doesn't need or want sex as much as you do. Tell her you understand this is quite common….she is not unusual or broken and in need of a fix. But, to you sex is very important, and if she cares about that fact, ask her how often she thinks she can help you feel more loved.

    Tell her you would love to learn to cuddle, hug, and just be close WITHOUT it going any farther than just that. Pick a time for sex (for the week/month) and all other times will be non sexual affection. Roommates do NOT hug, kiss, cuddle, and hold hands. Those things count as intimacy and often mean more to a partner than sex does.

    Some women turn off because they feel pressured, used, misunderstood, broken in need of a fix, etc.
    If she feels you are willing to work with what she does have to give, and you will appreciate her efforts, I bet she opens up and the communication starts.

    Good Luck

  203. Where I come from. U put the other persons needs before yours so much that it becomes common place to argue over who's gonna please who first. Sounds magical right?…..WRONG!……. Know one I K own is like this except for me. And I lose out cause I dont take what my wife offers when she's ready. Here and now. I cut her off. That's it. Let her find a beating post some place else. She was a sexual goddess to me when we first started dating. And now I don't even believe she thinks I'm good looking enough to score a date with anyone. It hurts to think I'd have to literally be mean to her and ignore her for her to step up to my sexual level. Besides, if that worked why am I only worth it when I could give a shit less about her?

  204. I recently read about scar tissue in women and pain from this from sex. I noticed when she gets in the mood and gets wet that no pain is felt. I'm always ready, she is not. Even when I try to excite her she rejects me and talks about someone else's life. I don't care, but I listen but this uneven swap bothers me. When I try any thing sexual she wants nothing to do with it and accuses me of making her do something against her will. If I can pretend to like her talk about useless crap that has nothing to do with our relationship, shouldn't she at least pretend to want me sexually and take a little time to let me make us come?

  205. I am a stay at home dad so I do all the cooking and cleaning during the week. My wife doesn't have to lift a finger when she gets home except for playing with our 3 year old son for a couple of hours. He goes to bed @ 7:30 and even then I give her time to unwind before I try to make a move on her but I just get shot down. On the rare occasion we do have sex it just feels like she's only doing it to shut me up. I feel like I do plenty of things for her without moaning but all she ever does is push me away. The whole situation makes me feel depressed as there is nothing I can do about it. If the problem was anything else it wouldn't matter. If she hated a tv program I liked, I could watch it in another room or if she didn't like me eating a certain food, I could eat it when she's not around but It's different with sex. Im not the kind of guy who cheats and unlike tv I can't just have sex in a different room. Sure I can pleasure myself and I do a couple of times a day but It's not the same as being intimate with my wife. I would be happy with once or twice a week but I don't think that is ever likely to happen.

  206. My wife is my best friend we share everything recently ive been really romantic and ive not pushed for sex she is not the stong sexuall type and ive gotten use to this. I dont do well wit rejection she knws this as well as we tell each other everything. We have great days together days tht would capped off well with love making. This never happens my advances are always declined i fear she does not see me as her previous partner whom sge has addmitted they were really wild i am jelous and would love tht side of her. She i always tired when tht time comes around my heart is hurtin from this. We are young and fun why is everthing else great but tht part of our life is not as i wish. She kws this to but still denys me and knws my attitude changes from lack of intimacy. Am i being stubborn or she selfish mind u she never comes on to me . Im at my wits end i can not keep this up cause its important to me. How can someone always use sleep as an excuse is tht not a sign id be wrong to cheat. And i wont wht can i do i need help or i will not stay in a relationship tht does not fulfill my needs.

  207. I find many of these comments to be funny from the men's perspective. They seem to do everything right. My experience as the low sex drive partner was a mystery to me for many years. I thought losing sex drive was a normal part of a long term relationship but dutifully gave it up at LEAST once a week. Did he ever flirt with me, show many ANY affection or make me feel special? NO. Did he offer to make dinner or taken on extra chores? NO. Did he quit drinking or smoking pot when I told him I felt these were very unattractive qualities and made me not want to sleep with him? NO. Did he patiently wait the six weeks after I had a cesarean section to allow my body to heal before making me feel like sh*t for not wanting sex yet? NO. Did he ever once in 13 years give me an orgasm? NO. Did he stand across the room and say 'can we do it?' and expect me to come running?'. YES. Gee, how romantic.

    So I'm sorry fellas, the fact that your woman has a low sex drive is just as much your problem as it is hers. I am now happily in a reciprocal relationship where sex is actually enjoyable and I am the one with the high sex drive. I can't get enough. He is affectionate, makes me feel like the ONLY woman in the world, does simple loving things for me WITHOUT any return expectation. He is just kind. It's that's simple. No expectations for kind acts.

  208. yup same situation. You can't romance him, feed him, let him rest up enough to even desire to get near to me. So I took a lover. I got married and sex was part of the package deal. If you are not going to even try to have a relationship then stuff it. I gave it 27 years. If he figures it out oh well maybe he should have spent time talking, laughing and having sex with his WIFE rather than listening to music videos on youtube all night long.

  209. Thank you for sharing that, i see what you are saying. It makes sense now that I hear it and think about it that way.
    My husband's shift changes every couple months, but when he came home early in the morning sometimes i would be in the mood. I think making a gentle wakeup kiss and snuggle when getting into bed each time and then sometimes trying to push for more and see how it goes. I just had a talk with my husband last night that didn't go so well, but it was about me feeling like everytime he touched me it had to go into a sexual touch and an attempt at sex.

  210. I am a man that homeschools 3 kids under 10. I do all the chores, clean, cook, and am very mainly. I have a beard, mow, change my own oil, drink beer, watch a game or so a week. Well, I wanted to say to the guys that just come home and expect for the wife to do all the cooking, cleaning etc my wife does that with me and it sucks. She also isn't interested in sex nearly as much as me and I seem to be the one that always tried to wake her up, put the kids down, take them to friends, etc to innitiate sex.

    To all the women out there, what is wrong with giving in and being blunt in your decision if not. EX he isn't helping out around the house, freaking tell him. Quit playing mind games. Say honey, I think your hot but your just not helping out enough around and my libido is kind of low right now. I want to cream all over you but I feel like you need to help out more "when he is asking for help". Why NOT COMPRIMISE… why is SEX used as an ultamatium for either gender.

    The whole man I stay at home, cook, clean, work hard with kids, etc thing is overblown. You think your spouses don't work hard at work? I get almost no down time, ever, and don't complain. You can't use sex like that. Ladies, please quit thinking about the kids so much and take some time out for your husbands. Husbands, get your wife a message, do the laundry, clean up after yourself for sure at least, and tell her exactly how you feel.

    Somebody who would like to have sex more than just on occasion and always pissed without a soul knowing except god! Sure I am not rocking my 18 year old six pack, but if there is any problem I have asked her without good reasoning and am still attractive enough. I also take care of nearly everything in the house, kids, school, some finances, dinners, lunches, breakfasts, diapers, baths so don't use that as an excuse. I am tired of being held hostage. I want romance-
    <- Ladies many of us men need sex, its not a want-

  211. I've been married 22 years, I have put up with the issue for most of it. The older I get, the more it annoys me, I think to myself, if I'd married someone else I'd be having sex much more often. Usually, we go MONTHS without sex, the longest being a year. I've tried the just wait for her mentality, yeah doesn't work…. Only thing I have found that works is getting away, no kids, nothing. But who can afford that?

    I am so frustrated!

  212. i love my girlfriend so much and she loves me we have know each other for 35 years we are both over 60 and we both look younger and now we been seeing each other for over 6 months she is such a beautiful person she work as a disable career and she loves her job but we don't have sex she never let me see her naked and we don't sleep together she's embarrassed of her body she hates he body she wish that she could have an extreme make over but we just cant afford that i don't know how i can help her its tearing me apart please can somebody anybody help i am begging you please help

  213. I am the wife with "NO" libido.

    It didn't start out that way, actually, I entered marriage under the assumption that the sex we were having at the time was the way it would stay forever.

    Wrong.

    Something happened to my biological drive after having babies. It disappeared all together. My husband kept asking me what he could do to get me in the mood. I told him that if I knew, I'd bottle it and we could become rich.

    After kids, I never thought about, needed, or initiated sex. And I had no clue as to why. Neither do the drug companies.

    It's not that I don't love my husband….I do very much. It's not that he's not attractive, he is. It's just the plain simple fact that my biological drive to be sexual went away with childbirth.

    A fact I had to deal with.

    Anyway, over the years of knowing that, for men, sex is a need, not a want, I acquiesced to his attentions. The problem with having sex when it doesn't quite do it for you, is that over time, it becomes a chore and then you begin to resent sex altogether…especially when they want to do things that make your skin crawl. I can't tell you how many times I would cry in the bathroom before sex because I couldn't stand the thought of some of the things he would ask me to do. Sex started grossing me out. I started wanting to avoid it.

    That's when I decided that something had to change. If I didn't do something to keep from feeling so resentful and grossed out, I was going to shut down sexually all together.

    But, because I've been told millions of times that a relationship won't last without sex and that the man will eventually find a sexual outlet for his sexual (wants) needs, I had to decide how often I could engage in sex with a positive attitude without crossing the line into resentment and repulsion.

    Hence, we have sex once a week. He had to drop all of the repulsive porn requests. I am having sex much more than I would like (with a giving heart) and he gets regular sex.

    Sometimes reality sucks.

    I'm a woman with basically no libido. I don't believe it's fair to make your husband go long bouts of time without sex, though that thought is often quite appealing. I'm here to tell you that regular sex can be tolerable, you just have to figure out how often you can actively engage in sex without hitting the resentment wall. It's best to let your husband know your limitations and maybe you can initiate when you have built up the energy for sex so he won't feel rejected.

    Women need to realize that often "getting in the mood" isn't going to happen anymore. You have to make an effort to find a way to make sex a somewhat positive activity for yourself so that your husband can get the sex he needs.

    Perhaps you guys could ask your wives how often they feel they could (in a positive mind set) have sex on a regular basis. Bring up the subject and leave it in their court to decide how many times a week/month they would be willing to ahve sex for the sake of the marriage.

    Sorry many of you are going through this.
    There's a huge percent of us women out there that have lost their libido. If it's normal or a dysfunction is the question. We just need to learn how to live without it.

  214. It's really quite simple, if your wife or girlfriend isn't giving it to you, she's giving it to someone else. If you're not meeting and or fulfilling her needs emotionally and sexually there's someone out there who is!!! Period!!!!

  215. You probably need to lose some weight. Or he's seeing a younger hottie on the side who gives him his needs. Try letting him take the dirt road, or let him tie you up and whip you.

  216. I wish I could say that all these reason were accurate for for these tired, hormonal, the kids are up, I have gas, I don't feel good ever, I'll go find you a girl to do that for you, her job sucks, I feel gross, I haven't shaved my legs. Well the list goes on and on but you get the idea for those guys that have wife's that no longer want to have with them. Oh and it start off weeks then months then years. And you think maybe if I do this for her or that for her, lol. No. No. That wont help, not while there sleeping with me. I'm not being mean im being truthful, and yeah the truth hurts. Cause you would do anything for her just to show you that she still loves feeling your body against hers. But the truth is she is in control of you and your kids and even you sex life, which no longer excises am I right. Its because they are just like guys but worse because they have emotion on there side, which makes them great at fooling there husbands into thinking there just tired. Thats funny cause she wasn't any of those things when she couldn't wait to pull my thing out and do that thing to it. Now I said im not trying to be mean just truthful. I did an experiment with different people I mean women's husbands to see how thing went in the home were the kids happy? Yes they were. Was the husband nice and good to his wife? Yes. But in most cases it only took a couple of months, less in some cases. Before well she was trying to get my pants off some times in there house some time when the husband was there, but had passed out cause we were watching a movie, yeah she did the thing to me while her husband was sleeping in the recliner next to us. It's the truth and the truth hurts good people. I can say this happened with several different women all married to good men. I never provoked it in any case, the women had brought it on each time secretly. This was my test to you husbands who think its you and your a great loving family men. Oh don't think I kept the husbands in the dark I was just there single friend. But I do know if not me the women would have been with someone else, and while the husband is crying for affection I was the one getting it. To sum up some women can be conniving and fool you in to believing what ever she wants, cause she controls everything, well not all girls are that way just 85%of the one's I had sex with the odds aren't great, but it helps some of you understand the truth. Its not going to get better ever, not as long as she's sleeping with me… Say what you want but this was all real and all truth.

  217. Live without it lol, they don't, they just want you to think that. The girl controls all, even sex. She just bored with you bottom line, just like guys get bored. Women are guys without a penis believe or not, but it's truth. This is truth talking, and if you want to know why just ask truth and I'll tell you exactly how I know this.

  218. You are right – no doubt communication is important and every relationship is a work in progress. But there is an essential and dangerous flaw to this argument. ONE SHOULD NEVER TRY TO "REMAKE" THEIR PARTNER INTO WHAT THEY WANT HER/HIM TO BE, ESPECIALLY WHEN FEELING REJECTED, VULNERABLE, AND FRUSTRATED. Experience shows that nothing good comes out of this because obviously the relationship is deeply flawed and communication channels are jammed. My wife of two-and-a-half years is a homemaker now because we have a fourteen-month-old daughter. She is not thrilled about having sex and recently she talked me that she feels like she is a housekeeper and a sex slave. So, what should I feel like, when I work two jobs, come home at 8pm (or at 11pm when I have the second job) and find myself washing dishes, which she apparently had no time to wash because she was cooking for the baby? Point being is that working on the relationship is a two-way street and when one keeps giving and feels like there is going the other way, one just gives up eventually. We can philosophize all we want about it, but what it comes down to is simple: some women are not suited to be wives, some men are not meant to be husbands, and some people are just wrong for each other. When I have to ask my wife for every hug, kiss, and show of affection, it certainly makes me feel unwanted, and I have no doubt that I have a point, that this is not just my pride and imagination racing each other. And when I hear something like "I am a million times better than you," I get a confirmation of my point. I mean, should it not be pleasurable to hug, kiss, and make love to the one you love (this why it is called "making love"!)? When only one partner is doing this, this a red herring that the relationship is in trouble. Sometimes I think that may be my affection displays are overbearing, that I should simply adjust my behavior, but I realize that this a feeble attempt of rationalization because in my heart of hearts I know that loving someone is accepting them for what they are, accepting completely and utterly and being grateful for having a partner, who is exactly the way they are, with the flaws and all (within reason, of course, the flaws, I mean). Otherwise, what is the point of being together?
    I have been working on our relationship and in many ways it is better now, but it is SO VERY TEDIOUS! And every time I think it will be different now, I get shut down when initiating sex! I am at a crossroads now because I love my wife and child, but this is no way to have a family. My confessions fall onto death ears and I don't really bother any more because it makes me look rejected AND pathetic. Should I just end it or keep on trying? Quite honestly, I feel like the stigma of rejection will never go away – sex is a physical expression of our love for each other and undeniably, biochemicaly, and emotionally it is a cornerstone of every marriage, but all I get instead is frustration.

  219. You know all these are excuses, when in the early stage of the relationship you women give us plenty of sex so it's your fault we always demand that because the less you give the less we feel wanted from you, if one day we decide to leave , you women will give the next guy all the sex to hook him in a relationship, I say the love is gone, men become the supporter of the family and that's it, We do anything for women and return we get shit,

  220. My husband and I have been together for 26 years. We were pretty compatible sexually for the first half, but we both gained weight and it got to where we could only do it with me on top. It got very boring and I lost interest. He has always insisted on playing with my breasts which is a big turn-off for me. We have never had children so no breast feeding or anything, maybe that's why it's painful when he plays with my nipples. I've told him it hurts over and over but he still insists on doing it. When I give him oral sex, he always begs to shoot off in my mouth even though I have made it abundantly clear that I won't do it. Now I don't trust him not to do it anyway, so that is out. He wants me to play with myself while he watches but I am not comfortable do that. He knows these are things that turn me off yet he repeatedly asks over and over again. He makes no effort to do things I do like, like backrubs or warm showers together. It's like I am supposed to fulfill this porn movie fantasy he has in his head. I can't even touch him anymore without him thinking it's all about sex. I have lost about 90 lbs and he has lost about 40, but his belly is still too large to do it any other way than with me on top. On top of that, we both have diabetes and other health issues. I am ashamed for anyone to see my body after having losing that weight because I have all this flesh hanging off me. It really looks gross to me and I just want to hide. I am post-menopausal and have tried an estrogen creme but had an allergic reaction to it. I have no libido left. I am going to go to my gynecologist to see if anything else can be done, but with his attitude, I'm not even sure if it's worth it anymore. He says he's fed up with being rejected, but how does he think I feel when the porn he likes is all women with basketball sized boobs and here I am with my barely B cup? He doesn't want me, he wants some porn queen. I am in my mid-50s and he is in his late 50's, but this has slowly gotten worse in the last ten years. In spite of this, I do still love him and want to spend the rest of my days with him, but I don't know how that's going to work when my gut reaction to him is to flinch and move away everytime he comes at me like a stud dog after a bitch in heat.

  221. Im a 41 year old Man, Im in a newly blended family, wy now wife was raising 2 of her own, i was raising 3 of my own and we adopted 1, so yes we have 6 children, Im the sole provider, im in a now sexless marriage,Im a very sensitive caring man, I take very good care of myself physically, i own a small corperation, i split all the housework and cook every night for my wife, I offer to communicate my concerns, I always put her feelings first, we at one time had great freaky passionate sex, 50 shades has got nothing on me, i aim to please my lady repeatedly,she has gone cold and is stonewalling me, no longer has an interest in any physical or emotional connections between us, im so hurt, i love her so much, she looks sad all the time and is always picking on me , and always looking for ways not to have to spend time with me, im lost, she is bisexual possibly even a lesbian, she maserbates to lesbian porn but claims to love men too and says that she still finds me desirable but shows zero effort to match that statement, she doesnt even hug me, she is nice to me on a business like level, but has zero romantic feelings, im so lonley and need an occasional hug or an i miss you of how was your day maybe one a month even, i need advice, im not into these games especially for the sake of my children, they are making comments like , dad you have changed your miserable, she doesnt love you, im married and take my vowels very seriously, marriage was created by god and unless we do it by his rules and not our own im afraid its doomed, im ready to divorce her so that she can be happy, im out of answers she will not open up to me.

  222. Life is too short. Marriage used to be forever, but these days it seems like there's always some sort of problem or disfunctional agenda going around. It's all bull shit people. If your spouse won't at least compromise or meet you half way, you're wasting your time. Excuses are just that, excuses. This is why a lot of marriages break up and why there is so much adultery going on. Women use sex as a means for something, men just enjoy it. And we're chastised for it.

    Life is short, either deal with it head on or move on. And staying put just for the kids only makes things worse and you end up dispising the other for it.

  223. I've read through these and I look at the views of others to see if there are similarities in my own world.. An oh boy there are many.

    I've been with my wife for a number of years and we have two fine and healthy boys. We share the responsibility, of household chores, raising the kids we even have family and seperate holidays. I am attentive, supportive and open.

    Yet we don't have sex. The answer, "What do I want sex for I have kids now!" that hurt, as now i see what I am .. A walking ATM. Nothing more. There is no sex / love making. No attention from her. Cold. So I am now desperately looking at me, am I to blame for this? Did I do something wrong? Did I reject her? Push to often for sex? Not push often enough?

    I can't see shit. Nothing has changed from now to years back that I can see other than my career has moved on and I make more money, I am home more, I spend more time with the kids now. Other than this the exception is she keeps me at a very long distance. Maybe the writing I have done is answer enough .. the time we had is over. I cannot salvage what she does not want.

    Trying to talk about it is like walking into a wall then trying to strike up a conversation. Total closure. Nothing. I think I'll finish this ramble now .. I can see no future in this marriage where I do nothing but hand over money every day and be treated like an ATM.

  224. Hello everyone
    a very nice blog…. i feel sorry for all HDP even i am one of them and my wife she is a damn freezing woman we can have sex like 4 times in a year… i do everytging for her and manytimes in those 4 times she leaves me unsatisfied…bbuying for her many gifts roses ….etc. but useless…

    My msg to all women who are on that blog and they are like my wife.

    God created sex for a reason not only for kids cause if only kids he can makes many solutions to get kids without sex .. BUT for those women who complaints about their husbands as we highly sex driven.. damn on you cause you are spoiling our lives you are spoiling god creation.. you are accused of killing our spirits… you are a doom in our lives cause after rejecting us ..you transform us into a just unlikely person in you life..and problems will start over and fightings over and over.. cause sex brings peace and love between couples.

    Sorry for being aggresive but for the first time i wish to make a page on FB or tweeter in a name…" i hate my life i hate my wife".
    You made us to have a desperate look for the life.

  225. I appreciate seeing im not alone in this. So what do you do when intimate times are infrequent (maybe once a month on average), but it is clear your wife is not enjoying herself and just wants it over with (no foreplay, no touching, one position etc…). It almost leaves me feeling worse after like I'm taking advantage of her, but I know if I stop it will cause a huge fight. I've brought up how sex makes me feel connected to her and that more frequency and more intimacy during sex would really strengthen our relationship. I am quickly reminded how I should be grateful for the intimacy we have and that she prides herself on being more available than one of her friends is to her husband, poor guy. Bottom line is I feel disenfranchised from our marriage and increasingly numb to life – which she notices and wants me to fix, but is not willing to be part of the solution. I don't want to guilt her into being with me (if that's possible) I don't want her to feel guilty for not being with me. I just want her to understand the power she has to help make our bond stronger. I wish she would show some – any interest in my needs. I give my all to make her happy and make her life better, a little effort on her part is not unreasonable. How do I communicate this is a way that will help her understand? Sometimes she listens to a friend better, would it be more productive to have her hear it fro. A friend?

  226. Married for over 20 years. I have the high drive and my wife has a low to no drive. It is incredibly frustrating and I resent her because of it. During my birthday and on valentine's day she'll give me coupon books for different sex acts. Problem is, the store is never open for me to redeem a coupon. Whenever I attempt to initiate she always states "you're so predictable…" She also claims and all I want is sex, sex, sex. When I do initiate and she "gives in" the sex sucks. I've tried romancing her, giving massages, expensive dinners, taking care of everything around the house and with the kids, buying her expensive gifts, luxury cars, vacations, etc… To be fair to her, I did let myself go for a while because of my focus on my career and providing for the family. However, I've dropped all the weight and have been in great shape the past few years but nothing has changed with her drive. I've decided I don't want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to have sex with me. I've stopped initiating, she never initiates and I'm incredibly sad and depressed about the whole thing.

  227. Well I might as well add my story. I'm a 27yo male that has been married to my 27yo wife for 4 years. We were college sweethearts. My wife already had a 2.5yo when I met her. The father, who was a high school fling, had tragically passed away before her son was a year old. I loved being a dad because I never really had one. Our sex life was out of this world until a few months after we were engaged. It continues to dwindle to this today. We average about 1/month now, but the decrease was rapid. I was immature when it started to happen and pestered her to see a doctor. I regret some things but glad she did because she found out she had PCOS and even had to have surgery to remove some abnormal cells. This scared me to death and I tried to drop the sex thing because it would be meaningfulness if I lost my wife to cancer. Anyways, everything went away but the sex never returned. She even saw a couple of doctors specifically about sex. None of them could pinpoint a reason for the decline since they finally got her hormones in check. I personally think it comes from a few things: 1)poor body image 2) not a priority 3) scared to have another child. She can't stand the way she looks. I love it, but she says I'm in too good of shape and it makes her feel bad(I was a bodybuilder for years). I don't think it is a priority. She likes to watch movies, facebook, etc. She doesn't really ever really allow the time for us to have a little romance, whether we are talking sex or just flirting. Finally, she met a little girl that she wanted to adopt and I agreed to it. I still would like to have a child of my own, but I think she is ready to stop with just two. This is the subject of another conversation. As for me, I'm a 27yo doctor now that is in great shape and get enough attention from girls. I help with the kids, do a large majority of the housework, and I try to remain sexy; I don't fart or do that stuff in front of her because I don't even think it is that sexy. I give her massages almost daily because she is an RN and I know her job is just as demanding as mine. But, the sex is just gone. Women say that men should find their own "sexual energy" but that is hard to do when you can't get the sexual attention of the one you love the most. I too admittedly probably put too much emphasis on sex. I've tried hard to not let myself continue the whining I did as a younger man. I stay up a little later to play guitar or work on projects in the shop while she is watching her shows. She gets upset but I hate the feeling of laying in bed with an erection and feeling like a pervert. Anyways, I've finally accepted this is the way it is. I don't think anything will change her mind. She has done a lot to remedy it, but I don't think it was ever a health issue. I just think she is comfortable with our relationship and it isn't a priority. I love her because she is amazing to me. I just don't know what to do about myself now. My testosterone levels are through the roof. I've always been extremely masculine. I just pray that God's kills my sex drive. What else can I do? And women, please understand that sex is hard to just ignore for guys. I agree that some guys don't deserve sex at all from their wives, but others are genuinely good. I know women can't make themselves want sex, but I can't turn myself off. "Blue-balls",which are actually an intense swelling, are crippling some days. I've also started having wet-dreams again. I can't tell you how embarrassing that is. But, once again, what does one do?

  228. This thread is quite fascinating to me. It seems that women would like a man to help out more around the house, while other women says that leads to women viewing the man as a beta, which isn't good from a sexual standpoint.

    Other women say sex gets old with the same guy after a period of time, while some men never really lose their desire for their wife. Why's that?

    I think we can all agree that the sexes don't understand each other at all.

    I also wonder if this is why the divorce rate is high with Christians? Christians aren't suppose to engage in sex until after marriage. That's are rude awakening for the Christian man who has waited his entire life just to figure out that he will get to keep waiting.

  229. As a guy I can say your man is selfish. You're busy and deserve the time. For those of us that help out a lot after work though I think we deserve at least 15-20 minutes 2-3 times a week. Esp. If we are not selfish with sex. For you, get more help with the kid! Proud of you for staying in shape momma most women just let it go.

  230. Talking doesn't always work. Try to be a better god fearing husband and talk about it and I get an " OK I will try to do it more," but it never happens. Guys that say get a mistress, like that works! Now you' re cheating on the entire family. Use "visual aids" to help yourself and you feel guilty if you are a man of faith. This might just be an issue that married men have to suffer through. I find if I just forget about the physical release of sexual energy the need dissipates after about 4 days. But even then the urge comes back. Just a losing battle gentlemen.

  231. Wow, This is still getting comments. Let me put it to you this way I am the one that has to wait and beg even after bending over backwards. I will be soon moving on sad this is we have two kids. But given I make all the money guess she will have to find someone else to fool. When I move on I will never marry someone so fake. Either you want to have sex or not female's quit trapping good men only to destroy them.

  232. What about men that have trouble bringing a penny home, where the wife pays the rent, and constantly drama about no sex? Sitting on computer games all day, I come home to a pile of dishes, and I'm the one who should work on my issues. I told him I love him but I have no respect for him any more and I can't share my body with someone I don't look up to. I don't give a poop any more sorry

  233. I have spent reading alot of the comments on this posts. I agree with alot of what other's have said.
    My wife is not a bad person, but spends her time constantly moaning her life is crap. She doesn't realise that it sounds like me, me, me, me…..
    I have had sex once in a year, and probably 3-4 times in 2 1/2 years. I don't want to leave her as we have 4 kids.
    She does not realise that I equate the lack of sex to lack of any type of love…..
    The physical part of our life has ended, my worry is that I will find someone else.

  234. Hey guys, I don't know what works for you and your significant other, but I can tell you from experience that if the drive was there and it disappears then there's a reason for it. I don't want to write a book so i'm going to keep it simple. For the past six years my wife has literally had no desire whatsoever. She completely lost her libido after childbirth. Understandably I gave it some time, and I helped out at much as I could when I got home from work. I woke up with the baby the vast majority of the time throughout the night.
    Time drug on and her libido never returned. She had a few instances where she would get turned on in the following years, but would never enjoy sex. We didn't really talk about it, and about two years ago the pot finally boiled over. After about a year and a half of fighting and uncertainty we were able to return to some stability. In the past two years i've been combing the internet, and taking her to various physicians to see if we could establish a root cause.
    About three months ago I finally stumbled across some information that I wasn't aware of before. Less than a year after my wife gave birth she had a copper IUD inserted as BC because she hated taking the pills due to side effects. Cutting to the point, she had all the symptoms of copper toxicity. I'm not presenting this an end all solution to everyone's issues. My point is that if something changes then it changes for a reason. If your partner's drive used to be much higher and it has dropped off or decreased then explore options slowly. It takes time to see results with any solution just as it took time to see the negative impacts of the loss of desire.
    It has been three months now, and I have begun to see some promising signs. I'm cautiously optimistic that things will get better on that side. I cannot stress enough how much patience, and not arguing about the subject is. I know how frustrating and rejected each of you can feel.
    If your partner does not want to explore possible remedies then it is up to you where you want to go. Sometimes your partner is afraid, and this is something that can be discussed. If they don't want to simply for their own reasons then I would definitely express what sort of damage you feel is being caused by the lack of physical connection. Good luck

  235. Same exact situation. This isn't what I signed up for. I love her with all of me, but I feel so rejected I don't know how much longer I can keep getting hurt.

  236. It is good to know there are other people out there in a similar position. My wife and I both work and have two kids. Its interesting to see how people say you should only be with someone who has a similar drive. I agree but that may not be as easy as it sounds. When we were first together we were very evenly matched. We rocked each others worlds. She was amazing in bed. With the first child things were still good for a while but after a year or two she was less and less engaged. When we did have it she wanted me to take all the initiative and really kind of got lazy about it and kind of only half tried. At this point sex is every month or two and many times is me doing everything including getting myself off. Ive tried to talk to her many different ways and nothing helps. She insists she loves it and says we should do it more. I make sure she is well taken care of every time we make love but it doesn't seem to change. I am very understanding and help with the kids and housework a lot (as in I cook most meals, wash dishes and clothes take care of the house and kids). Frequently she sleeps far more than me. I love her and the kids with all I have but the rejection is killing me. I just want to feel wanted. I Don't expect it to be like it was before kids and I get her being tired but it would be incredible if she initiated it even once and acted like she was into me. She insists she is horny and that she wants to do it but I get exhausted trying to make it happen. I love her and the kids so I don't want to break up so I guess I will just try to keep on going. I just hate the feelings of not feeling desired. I just go through the motions and life goes on. Any suggestions welcome.

  237. So what I'm gathering from all these women posting about their husbands wanting sex all the time is that after working 60 hours a week, taking care of my son(who is a 24 hour medical care), paying all the bills, doing 95% of the household work, that I'm disrespectful for wanting to have sex with my wife more than once a week? I would just like some appreciation and to actually feel wanted and desired after providing for all her needs.

  238. So true iam also facing the same thing. In my case it hs been 6 yrs we don't have sex. I initiated many time but there was always a -ve responce from her side. Now it's become realy frustating.

  239. If you are doing it twice a week then I dont know what his deal is, If my wife did me two times a week I would definitely stop bugging her in the middle of the night, even if that is the only way we have sex really, I would take a break from trying to rub her nipples or vagina in her sleep for a while. But unfortunately we do it maybe once a month and it's always by me initiating it while she is sleeping, she slaps me off her most of the time but I got to try or it never happens, she won't let me touch her intimately while she is awake so I have to wait until her guard is down, it's a confusing situation but we have kids and I'm not about to go looking elsewhere, I'm not attracted to anyone else like that, so I'm just left with my hand, and that does not really do justice compared to actual sex but at least it keeps me from going mostly insane… I'm a feminist husband, I'm not an idiot who just expects his woman to put out, I get she does not have the same hormone levels as me but damn I'd like to get some sleep too but I'm usually up trying to get her in the mood…

  240. I have similar issues, the last time my wife initiated sex was almost a year ago, we do it at least once a month though by me initiating it… But even then it's after she is already asleep, when her guard is let down and she doesn't immediately stop me from rubbing her nipples or whatever to turn her on… Even then though, she will a lot of times wake up pissed and yell at me to leave her alone. Which is understandable I suppose… But I would love to do it when we are both awake, I remember before kids we could be watching a movie and i could start rubbing her somewhere to get her in the mood and we would have to pause the show and get it on, now I try that and it's an automatic shut down every time… Yeah I'm sure sick of basically molesting her in her sleep to get her in the mood to do it, and masterbating to porn doesn't really help me feel satisfied… I work, go to school, do yard work, share the load of house work, take care of kids, let her get away whenever she wants for "girl time", stay in good physical shape and do her constant favors and sweet things to try and get her to maybe want to do it more but seriously nothing helps, I know she loves me, but i sure wish that we could meet somewhere in the middle, I don't expect her to want to do it 3 times a day like I probably wouldn't mind, but once a week seriously isn't too much to ask imo…

  241. Now I would also love to sleep uninterrupted but then we would never do it or we would get in fights from me trying to initiate while she is awake… I love her and hate fighting… I do masturbate to porn almost daily, and this doesnt help much at all, I still want to do it with her every day and I'm not an idiot, I know that our hormone levels are way different, and i dont want her to do it if she is really just letting me use her like a sock, I want her to come, I make a point of it, she isn't at all willing to give me oral but i give her all she wants and more just because I love intimacy. All these guys resorting to mistresses or divorce aren't actually interested in finding a solution but i am, my parents divorce scarred me as a child and i refuse to let my sex drive or anything else that we don't see eye to eye on come in the way of us being married and raising our children together and i also don't want to be without my kids, we have had talks before about me wanting it more than her and I have told her that I feel it's a huge part of marriage and of being in love, about how I feel closer to her and all that, and she agrees but she just isn't in the mood that much…. So my issue is, that she IS in the mood, because otherwise why can I get her turned on while her guard is down while she is sleeping? Im in search now because every once in a while, while she is sleeping, I'll rub her nipples or sometimes her clitoris if she doesn't slap me away in the process and she will lay there literally "sawing logs" for a long time, I'm talking like 15 minutes, basically she should have came two or three times in the amount of time I lay there masterbating her, and then she might eventually sort of wake up and slap me away but not even consciously realize I was doing anything with her, at this point I can safely assume she really "wasn't in the mood" Which is something I really don't understand but i dont expect to, she is a woman with different hormone levels. So my question is, how do I increase her willingness to want to do it and maybe even initiate it herself? While we are both conscious so I don't feel like I'm molesting her in her sleep??? I thought for a while too that maybe I had let my body go and wasn't sexually appealing, I mean the biggest I've gotten is a size 36 waist line but I'm 6 foot 2 and so I didnr really look fat, just out of shape. Now I'm a size 32 and while I'm fairy skinny, I have muscle tone, I have a beard and long hair per her Choice, and i trim my body hair to her liking… I just need some help, I feel like that is the biggest problem with our relationship, and that's even considering that do something she has a very strong personal bias against when she isn't around. again, cheating and divorce are not an option for me, and talking it out hasn't worked in the past and usually causes a big fight… I appreciate how hard she works at being a stay at home mom, and i dont feel entitled like other men do, I just would like her to be into doing it more than once a month and preferably while awake, even if I initiate it, but how can I when just asking never works and she never let's me touch her intimately while she is awake except on the rare occasion that she allows a back rub, ( and i go all out with massage oils and such, I give really good back rubs/full body massages) is this just how my marriage will always be? Is there something I can do that will actually increase her interest in having sex? Any advice is appreciated, and i see this forum has kind of died down but a response would be super appreciated. Thanks! Part 2 of 2

  242. I found this in a Google search after last night's weirdness… I have been married for almost 8 years, I have three kids and my wife and I have a great relationship the majority of the time, her and I only have issues when it comes to a couple things, my moderate use of alcohol, my desire to use cannabis and other mind altering Substances, and our sex life, the "drugs and alcohol I have about as figured out as I can, I drink very little now (ironically in hopes that she will want to do it more if I don't smell like alcohol when we go to bed, and a lot of times we actually do it on nights when I've had a few drinks.. Anyways) and due to her almost leaving me once when I told her I had used cannabis a few years back, and me honestly seeing nothing wrong with it at all, I still do use it but only when she is out of town or when I'm camping, she has her suspitions sometimes but let's move on here… I am a dream husband other than that, I know this because I hear what she tells me about her friends husbands and i just can't believe men can be so careless for their wives… I work full time, I'm a full time student, I help with as much around the house as I can, I do special favors constantly, I never hesitate to watching the kids so she can go have girl time with her friends or go out to lunch, I give her foot rubs and braid her hair for her while watch our shows every night. I tell her how beautiful she is every day and how much I love her. I would never cheat on her, ever. But she rarely wants to actually do it, the last time she initiated sex it was about a year ago, she texted me while I was at school to come home and give her a "back rub" since that is usually when we do it, when I initiate it through a back rub, which I used to give her all the time but now she just wants the rub without me going below the waist, which I would have no issue doing that but since that is pretty much the only way we end up doing it, I will always at least try. But now the full on back rubs arent happening after me setting up our room all nice with candles and relaxing spa music and then her coming in and telling me some other time, I've stopped making the effort. Now I do rub her back almost every night when we go to bed but just while I'm laying next to her, and she hates me rubbing her butt and legs now so the doesnt usually result in anything but her yelling at me, so I usually go for her Breasts, nipple stimulation is her biggest turn on, and so while running her back one handed while we are falling asleep I will slowly rub my way to her breasts and most of the time she just slaps me away or tells me to stop, so I do, but a lot of times, mostly intentionally but sometimes unintentionally I will start playing with her nipples after she has fallen asleep and let her guard down, and then she wakes up in the mood and ready to go, or she still slaps me away or tells me to leave her alone… But as far as the majority of how sex is initiated, it's in her sleep. Part 1 of 2

  243. This article really struck home for me. My wife & I have been married for 4 years, with 2 young girls (age 4 and 1). She never shows any interest in me anymore, it's been 4 months now since we last made love. Anytime I try, I get excuses. And she won't just get me off because she thinks its "not fair" for one to get off if the other doesn't, yet she won't have sex! I can't understand it. Everytime I try to explain how hurt it makes me feel, how it makes me feel rejected and unwanted, all I ever get is "we have kids now", " most couples like us don't have sex much anymore ", etc. All the same excuses. I love her dearly, I could never cheat on her, but this whole thing has me very upset, and the responses I get when I try talking to her about it are just lame excuses. Help!

  244. See, the way "no" is handled and approach is handled by BOTH patries- is the way to a fun an successful relationship AND sex life!

  245. Hey guys! Before I start I just want to say I am a woman, ive been reading a lot of comments from "my husband wants sex ALL the time" and, obviously, this one. I just wanted to try and give you all advice into a woman's brain who often doesn't want sex. I wanna say sorry to you all for your frustration and concussion with why! And especially sorry for those who get it a couple times a month or so.
    More often than not the reason a woman doesn't want to have sex is because of their perspective. For example: self image- body changes (kids, metopause, reaching early 20s- your teenage hormone are subsiding making you less horny and confused as to why, weight gain, weight loss, etc..) Mental Image- depression, fear of YOUR faithfulness, you treat them differently, a dark past fear/secret (molestation, rape, cheated on, lied to) looking for clues to what you might be doing (letting parinoia get to her)
    Emotional-you've become (both parties) relaxed and become less active In bed, one of you did so.ething to brake trust, your reaction to her saying no once in awhile (at first- later turning into hardly) in a negative way, you not being able to think of showing your love in any way but sex, us not being able to show you love in any way but sex apparently
    Actual reasons may be many and may vary and may not even be on her. But what I'm trying to say is that its not always you "repelling" us or you turning us off- we've just got a lot of fucled up stuff going through our head- while our body's say yes our brain can shout no! If you don't listen to that no, then you end up messing your head up more (girls perspective). And so.etimes it most defiantly is because of how YOU reacted or did something that hurt our sensitive spots and that hurts our trust and sex drive.
    Ithink a lot of you need to sit down with you spouse and sit there and listen to everything she has to say about what hurts her ( even if its you or doesn't even involve sex or the relationship) and just say soothing things and not devesive hurtful things. If she feels she can't talk to you she feels like she's not herself nor is in a relationship with a loving partner. Keep in mind it may take time to have her completely open up and if she cries and yells while expressing herself (as long as it doesn't get aggressive and physical) let her. It can take days, weeks, months to be fully open. Be patient. Also express how going long periods of time with out sex effects you- with out blame and guilt more like " I love you and I think you're beautiful, and I want to show you how sexy and wonderful you are to me by pleasing you in bed. It makes me feel loved and like a good husband when I can satisfy you" if they start saying something as to how you don't get them in the mood by doing or not doing something try hard not to get offend them- I'm sure I took a lot of courage to say something. She cares about your feelings and that's why she buries hers to not hurt you.
    Now believe me when I say I'm not make excuses for these women especial for those who do refuse to have sex with their spouse.
    I have a low sex drive but still have sex at LEAST 4 to.es a week on average 5 and sometimes am not in the mood initially. But we both compromise
    And that's what needs to be done. He wants it every day from me but he underdtands I can't…. Some times anyway lol
    I hope I helped in so.e way

  246. I've been married for less than two years and my wife's sex drive has deminished almost completely. She'll start to initiate sex rubbing on my kissing me but when the time comes that we can actually get to it she's too tired or doesn't feel good. Its almost like she wants to get me started so she can turn me down. I am gone at work from 6 am to at least 8 most nights and up to 11 some nights and she doesn't work so how can she be that tired? I don't know what to do we used to have sex at least once a day when she wasn't on her lady times and she was involved now on the rare occasion that we have sex she just lays there I try to go down on her or suggest other things and ask her what she wants me to do to get her going but most of the time she doesn't want me to and the times she let's me after she cums its the same thing she just lays there its almost to the point where I don't want to have sex with her because its not good anymore and it feels like I'm forcing her to do it

  247. If your husband is abusive then you should leave him, an abusive person is just in it for what they get out of it they don't care to connect

  248. I would like to encourage everyone having problems with a low desire wife to read the book "Perfectly Normal". It's written by Sandra Pertot, PhD. She is a sex therapist with over 30 years clinical experience. The book is a great read for both husbands and wives. She explains the low libido phenomena of many women but she has several examples of how a husbands expectations and behaviors, as well as, a couples misinformation or ignorance can often contribute to a woman's disinterest in sex. She offers an approach (which takes both partners) for making your sex life the best it can be while working with what you both bring to the sexual relationship.

    I found it refreshing, practical, and encouraging.

  249. I've literally read every article I can find and tried to figure it out with my wife and she still claims she just doesn't want to. It's been a month, she will lead me on all day long making little jokes and comments, touches and such, and as soon as we get to the bedroom it's "I just don't feel it." And when I try to discuss it with her she says it's just "my body says no". I'm starting to wonder if she really might have something wrong that won't give her the urge, it if she's just given up on me completely. I love her more than anything and I want to fix this. But I can't help but feel she doesn't want it fixed… please help me.

  250. What do you all suggest in my situation? I am a 49 year old female. My boyfriend of three years is five years younger. He has told me more than once my drive is too much and has even called me a nympho. The last couple of months we have had sex maybe four or five times max. Three of those times were warm bam thank you ma'am. I seemed like he was just doing a job. He says all men his age have problems. He says he is tired or in pain from his gallbladder. The funny thing is he can sit outside with his guy friends and drink beer and joke about all the sexual things they can and will do to one another. I don't understand. I have literally begged for sex to be turned down over and over. It is fine when he wants it. It has gotten worse over the past year, since we moved to the neighborhood where he and several guys talk broke back mountain "joking".

    What is wrong with me? He is right, I would have sex daily or at least five times a week.

  251. I think women should just accept the fact that men need sex more often, so they should drop their knickers on regular basis. They don't know how much constant rejection eats away at us.

  252. Marriage is a partnership and if two people don't agree on the physical aspects then it is time to call it quits. Part as friends before it is too late and don,t hang out the dirty washing. Move on. There are plenty of partners out there who are more suited to you.

  253. Women reading this with a low sex drive, the way I see it is like this. Men need sex. The end. If you dont provide that option for your man, then expect him to get it elsewhere.
    Every day our bodies produce these things called sperm, and we need to get rid of them, we do this by coming, our brains facilitate this by making us seek ways to get sex. If we get sex, then our brains lay off the lust for a couple of days, during this time the sperm bank builds back up and our brain repeats the process if it hasnt happened already.
    This is the one and only reason that the human race has survived and become the dominant lifeform on the planet. It is nature, we cannot help it.
    Sooo, you have 2 choices, suck it up and help him out or accept that he will cheat on you, eventually he will, it may take decades, but sooner or later he will not accept dying without ever having sex again.
    To all men who are faced with a wife who wont give it up, if you dont want to leave her for another woman, go and see a prostitute, enjoy the simple physical aspect of it without any emotional involvement, it really is that simple.

  254. Hello all (or at least those who will read this far),

    So a few years pass and tons of comments roll in since the author originally posted this topic and 1 thing remains true through 90% of comments; guy bashing!

    So I am a male, and would like to give/help shed clarity on the subject.
    A lot of the women in the comments are clearly not sexually attracted to their "significant other" anymore. Claiming that they can go months without ever being in the mood, and not feeling like pleasing the other person in the relationship; this is a selfish outlook on your relationship. Imagine that you want to go out to the movie/dinner, picnic at the park, night out on the town, go to the beach, etc. But your partner keeps putting you off because they are not in the mood to go out and have fun and connect with you, you would feel as if they were being selfish with the issue. Not only would you feel as if they were being selfish but you would feel as if there was a deeper issue/something wrong with the relationship; this is exactly how you should feel about sex/making love in your relationship.
    If you simply can not help but feel unconnected in that way but, "you like all the other stuff" what you are looking for is an extension of a friendship. I would argue that the spark has long left your relationship and now it's time to set yourself apart from said partner and find someone who you can/will and want to connect on a deeper level.

    With that being said, I don't wish to be misunderstood I can understand a mate/spouse not feeling in the "mood" for a couple of days, but that period should end; you are not going to continue to have a headache for a week, or your period for a month, or your boss/co-workers bothering you for a extended amount of time. It's time to see those things for what they are excuses, and if you persistently keep having excuses the relationship ship has run it's due course.

    Now some woman on here claim that their spouse was overly aggrasive (going so far as some of them claiming "rape" or taking advantage in a drunken situation) this case it is obvious that the person you are choosing to bound your life with has little to no respect for you are your personal boundries. I would gravely ask you to remove yourself from such situation; not sure how exactly women get themselves in such a relationship but you need to escape it.

    In the case were women were complaining that they are "tired" because they work then come home and have to cook, clean,etc. And can't handle their mate "being all over them" because of the lack of help from the mate. How could a situation get so out of control? My only theory on this is that this is how the relationship started, and sometime late without discussion you assumed it would change as you progressed through the relationship. This is an incorrect train of thought, I would propse you sit your mate down and tell them how you feel and what you need from the relationship, only then will things progressively get better.

    I did click on the link to find out if it was normal that I had such a high desire of my wife and that I wanted to bang her brains out as often as I do, and I think now that it is (not that I found the answer here). I am overly attracted to that woman! She can seriously stare at me with her sparkling eyes/ kiss my check with her soft lips or even walk past me in a flirty (sometimes non flirty) way, and I can't help but get an erection! After 4 years she is still the best looking woman I know and I still care for her so deeply. Now she isn't always in the mood, and I try to appreciate that knowing that I have the higher sex drive. But to go weeks (or months as some of you are stating) would mean something is bothering our relationship., and when that happens we usually talk and get down to the bottom and try to please the others needs; this is how it's suppose to go in a relationship!

  255. Ya I have the same problem. My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have a 2.5 yr old. I thought it was b/c it a chemical thing some women go through but I don't see it. We haven't had sex in about 2 years and I don't want to be one of those guys that leave without fixing this problem. Re refuses to go to counseling b/c she says she is fine. Due to this I have gain weight and feel like garbage b/c I don't feel wanted. I pay the bills for her and her 2 other kids and she doesn't give the signals that she is using me. I don't want to cheat so what can I do? I went from being a soldier for the CF and getting it when ever I wanted to getting nothing. If it wasn't for the army teaching me patients I would have given up. Please help if possible.

  256. To Jun 21st 2015. Fantastic woman. Live long!

    One problem is the appalling narrative and sex education given to children in the west. In the east – I have lived therefor years – women understand the male sex drive better. They are under no illusion. Monogamy is not treated with the reverence it is the west. They understand it more as a loose arrangement, and if they can't match their husbands drive they turn a blind eye to his indiscretions. But to contextualise that, if the husband is lazy, not providing for the kids etc, they will raise hell. This is how it should be. Women gets security, man should be allowed a full sex life. Happiness for both ensues. Marriage and monogamy are largely incompatible especially with kids.

    The vestiges of Christianity and modern feminist are a toxic mix. Even the ancient chivalric codes have provided these weird, utterly idealistic stories that teen girls, generation after generation, follow in docile fashion,

    The genders are incredibly different – we are not equal in any way at all – just look at the differences in brain structure alone. The ignorance of western women to the science is staggering. How many of you miserable women on here understand that a man isn't being selfish by asking for sex frequently? You are being selfish because you fail to understand that the male drive for sex is just as physically insoluble as your monthly periods. It's not being inconsiderate, it's a need. Your education has delivered you a stupid, simplistic Barbie and Ken fairy story, that is absolute garbage. Stop telling your men to grow up. Ironically it is you that needs to. You can't even be bothered to read about the amazing things we now know about the male brain and masculinity. But then most of you shun biology and science and opt for the easy stuff like bs courses in female studies etc by our toxic feminist education system.

    You can never "be the one" sexually for any man, and certainly won't come close if you don't compromise to his needs occasionally and joyfully, knowing that you are keeping him whole and helping him stay committed and focused on the family. Honestly if some of these puerile, female comments on here were published in a newspaper and inverted, so as written by men, you would be fired and ostracized.

    One start would be to give young people a much better sex education. Tell girls early that their sex drives are not even, and can peter out after kids. Tell them men want sex perpetually. It rarely changes. How many boys and girls would then go into marriage with silly expectations? And its this expectations part that is key. I contend that the two world wars actually made ideas of marriage worse, by effectively the elite inculcating monogamous breeding programs to replace the work force lost in battle.

    How many men would shun marriage if told early that they would stop getting regular sex after the birth of a child, and would not be allowed to fulfill their need from another or prostitution? Jeezus the Ancients knew better with prostitution rife!

    Lastly just an anecdote from a former marriage. My ex-wife wanted a child desperately. Unfortunately she miscarried a few times and it took almost 3 years before it happened. But as tired as she may have been, she banged the hell out of me! 3 times a day, 5 times a day on weekends. One of the best times of my life. The point is that when she became pregnant and gave birth her drive dropped dramatically of course. I understood that. But physically this understanding made no difference. My body wanted the same regime back.

    Now who is being selfish here? She got what she dearly wanted, our cherished son. I got a son, but lingering unhappiness as I wanted at least some of same level of pre-birth sex back. The problem is intractable, but educating people away from these moronic societal ideas might be a start….and a meaningful discussion of regulated and legalised prostitution.

  257. Ok, so you're a man and you say you work hard and now bummed because of this rejection and have gained weight.
    YOU find her attractive and would jump in bed with her for anything or quicky. But now you're hairy belly is looking 3months pregnant and you have man boobs. You are just gross to yourself. First get into really good shape. You don't need money. Just eat frozen vegetables and tuna and drink a lot of water. SLEEP 8-9 hours a night. Do push ups, walk until you are super fit.
    Women can be simply intuitive just like animals. They have their children and then have no biological imperative to have sex with you. Smart loving wives take care of their husbands, but others just follow their physical drives and needs. But you have to remind her that you are a man by looking and feeling like a man. If you have a computer, you can get free videos on working out at home and eating right. Just sweat for an hour a day, and eat only vegetables and lean meat and drink a gallon of water a day. You will crap peas and corn, but you will get more manly quickly, and will get laid more often. Not as often as you like, or as soon as you like, but you will.

  258. Words can't express what I go through… But this is pretty damn close!! Aug and I am at 3 times this year…. Might have you beat!

  259. Problem is if you wait… She'll think your cheating… Or worse… Start looking elsewhere since youve lost interest….

  260. I do it all. Wash cook clean taking kids around everywhere taking them to school getting them from school. My wife collapses on the bed when she comes in from work. She's exhausted. I understand all that but I feel like that we just don't connect at all. She flops on the bed and turns on Netflix and fall asleep. Intimacy is the farthest thing from her mind. We've only had sex 6 times in the last 8 months. I don't want to beg for sex. I want her to have desire for me not just giving in to my begging. I'm absolutely heartbroken about all of this. I can't believe I'm only 53 and I'm already in a sexless marriage

  261. Good for you husband. You sound like a great guy but i do all the same things. It gets me absolutely nowhere with any intimacy from my wife. She's nice to me and I know she loves me she just does not want to be intimate with me.

  262. Have you ever thought that some of the married woman just dont't like men to heve sex wiht because they prefer women? And some don't even realize it? They marry men because that's what a woman is supposed to do. And for the others, if they don't like sex and think it's not important why is it so important when your man lokks for it outside the marriage? Because it is supposed to be in between the two of you? But how?I think we all have a lot to think about what marriage truly is and what we wnat from it. As far as i can read, most of you are perfectly fine if you have a very special close friend. Afraid of being alone? And so many questions i could think about.

  263. I've had this same problem for years & I'm tired of almost begging to have sex. I can count the number of times we have had sex in the last couple of years. I tried to explain so many times that sex is important for me & she just wouldn't care. At some point, I didn't want to be with her anymore knowing that she would reject any advances giving some lame excuse. I decided to meet new girls online and it has worked very well. I have the sex I need and I don't bother my wife unnecessarily.

  264. Ok first I have to say that I have been married for 12 years. In those twelve years I have literally busted my back trying to make my wife happy. On average we've had sex maybe 6 times a year (if that).

    Before I said "I Do" everything was great, we had sex every day, we snuggled and watched tv together, we ate out with friends, did all those normal things that couples do. Then I said "I do" and suddenly she turns into someone completely different who suddenly doesn't like anything I do…expect that I make the money, pay the bills, cook the food, clean the house, take care of her disabled father, and all the other stuff that she absolutely refuses to do. I worked two jobs for years while she sat on her ass watching television all day. The only time she even acknowledges my presence is when she wants something. Meanwhile I'm masturbating 5+ times a day waiting for that magical moment that she might want to be intimate. And by intimate I'm not just asking for sex. Hell at this point I would be happy if she would just tell me she loved me without expecting something in return.

    All of these men bashing posts are a complete cop out in my opinion because not all men with a high sex drive are complete assholes.

  265. RE: just the other night out off the blue she comes out says I just dont like sex…. how can you go from doing it nightly to not liking it at all? Wtf?
    Well WTF, maybe she never liked sex at all, and just "faked" it like 90% of us women do just to please you men and shut you up, now she is not wanting to "pretend" to like it anymore! Newsflash guys, sex is not that big a deal to us and I am a squirter, but I hate it so much and never want to orgasm, ever again! Too much of a mess for me and I would much rather not do it at all. Sex is like a chore to me and I wish my man would get ED and I Would be the happiest woman alive!! There is nothing wrong with me and actually I think there is something wrong with you men who act like horndog teenage boys, get over yourself and jerk off because the only woman who truly enjoy sex as much as you are the porn stars who are getting paid to "pretend" to like it!! Yes I said it,and I am not fat or depressed, and I make my own money too but my man is just like all of you guys on here complaining how we have something wrong with us etc., well did you ever ask yourself why so many men have this "issue"? It's Not us, it is you!!Go watch a porn and shut up you are all a bunch of perverts

  266. I'm a man and I can tell you why a guy wouldn't want sex. This may sound harsh, but believe me it's true. For one I have to make this very clear, he loves you. If he didn't he would just leave. I've been in this situation before. I was 16 when I met my first wife. But after 10yrs and 3 kids she changed. Physically and mentally. I think the biggest problem was how much weight she had gained. Maybe this sounds mean, or whatever but I felt I just wasnt as attracted to her as I was before. I fell in love with her not just for her mind but also for her body. This probably sounds stupid and selfish but trust me guys think this way. We're very simple minded sometimes. He wants you to look like the girl he first fell in love with. Look at yourself in the mirror and think to yourself, would he still want to be with me if he had met me looking like this? For the women who look the same as they did when you met than there is a deeper issue. Do you argue alot? Do you put him down? And so on. There's something that is making you less attractive to him. You want to keep your man and want him to want you again, be the person he fell in love with. For a women, a guy getting over weight, losing his hair, or whatever, most won't care because women use emotion more than men. We use our eyes to feel emotion.

  267. Hey guys, I'm not trying to point fingers just asking question. Do you try to make her feel sexy, wanted any time other than just when you are in the mood? I am having that problem with my hubby. I don't feel wanted or sexy anymore. I haven't heard a compliment from him for years. Even when sex isn't expected. That's made it hard for me to be in the mood. I compliment how sexy he is and show him how proud I am of him, and how I appreciate how hard he works to provide for me, but I'm not in the mood as much anymore I think because I don't feel like he finds me sexy. I don't feel like I make his world turn a little. Also he will just call to me and grab his junk and say let's f€ck. But it doesn't work that quickly for a woman if we aren't already turned on we need you to make us feel like we are the only thing that will satisfy you without out feeling like a tool. Any advice would help guys. I'm not a perfect wife we argue, I have my faults, but I know it's not fun for him not feeling wanted, but I need some things from him as well. What do you guys think? Thank you ahead of time!

  268. I believe most women know how important the male sex drive is to the male. Heavens, we are constantly reminded. I'm not sure males understand the impact the male sex drive has on a female.

    Before I started High School, I had been molested by an older family member, offered money to be filmed having sex with some stranger (I declined), was photographed changing my clothes by a peeping tom in the neighborhood, had a stranger come out of the bushes naked when I was walking home one day, my best friend was raped in her own home by a friend of ours, I was stalked by some guy who would show up at my school and offer me a ride home, and one of our school classmates was abducted, raped, and murdered.

    Before I went to High School, the male sex drive had totally traumatized me. It had filled me with fear and disgust. It tainted my sexuality for life. All without having had sex yet. Those stories get even more depressing.

    My point is, women's openness to sex are not only driven by their individual sex drive or driven by some ulterior motive, or some puritanical religious upbringing, they are STRONGLY influenced by past experiences. Many of which were unpleasant. Many of which we never talk about. Many of which are set for life. I had a pretty normal middle income suburban upbringing. I can only imagine what other girls stories are like.

    My husband knew nothing about these experiences until we had been married about 27 years and I started having trouble with menopause and things just came out. Only then did he understand some of my quirky frustrating behaviors and bitter attitudes toward certain sexual things. He's a gem.

    The male sex drive shows up everywhere, not just in the bedroom. It affects people differently depending on their age and how they experience it. Satisfying the male sex drive usually always comes at the expense of another person. Please don't expect women to love your male sex drive the same way you do.

  269. I've spent the last year waiting for my wife to realise that we're near some kind of end game on this. I told her a year ago that I would not attempt to initiate sex again as it is too demanding on my self esteem to have to deal with the constant rejection.
    I've tried my hardest in the areas that I can, we did all the talking etc but no matter what things never changed.
    It's been once in the last year (and then it took me to break my 'I will not initiate' statement to her) and for the first time I did the 'woman thing' and faked my own orgasm.
    That was three times down on the previous year.
    For all those women posting about demanding men treating their wives as nothing but sexual objects where does this fit in to your perverted equation?
    I read with incredulity statements about once a week or once a month, if only!
    I did not sign up for this, I signed up to monogamy not celibacy.
    Sex is a part of marriage, when there is no sex do you truly think that there is a functioning marriage ?
    I love my wife, there will be no one better but my sex life is over and I have not had any part in that decision.
    The advice will be (and I've tried it all), try to connect with her, understand her, pour her a bath, have some scented candles, give her a massage, touch her spirit before you touch her body, do not have expectations…..then maybe, just maybe I might, just might be able to get what never used to be a chore before…..you know what ?
    After all this time I really don't think that I can be bothered with incentive based sex!
    I am so sad that this has to lead to the inevitable. She is the most lovable and beautiful woman a man could ever ask for and the deafest woman I have ever met!
    The one thing that has made the best wife in the world the best sister in the world.

    • Wow — I am so sorry for all you guys who had the sex turned off after marriage! But you have helped me so much — I wish all your wives would read this article and the comments. I too have lower desire than my husband, but after reading many many comments here, I realize that MOST guys have a greater need for physical sex than most women, and my husband really wants to express his love for me through sex. He’d like it daily, and I’d be fine with once a week, but I’ve decided that for all he does for me, and how much he enjoys my body (which is nowhere near perfect), I can give him a little more sex than I need. I’m shooting for every other day, and I can tell he appreciates it, and our marriage has actually improved! My friends and I call it “maintenance sex” but I have to say, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for my husband to want half the sex we used to have 🙂 and I should try to accommodate his needs (especially since he still wants ME!). Come on ladies, give a little (more), and above all, COMMUNICATE! Hang in there guys, and try to include intimacy that doesn’t involve physical sex. THAT’S a turn-on for women 😉

      • Wow, that’s so nice of you Sophie to be that much understanding. One important thing is that, in a marriage, when one of the partners (be it the wife or the husband) is constantly denied sex, s/he feel rejected. And that hurts. If the HDP partner wants sex daily and the LDP partner doesn’t want more than a week, then there should be a middle point — but even more important, if they mate even once a week (i.e. agreeing to LDP partners expectation/requirement), at least the LDP partner should make it feel like that s/he wanted to have sex. For me, my wife doesn’t want it even once a year. So, I approach her once a week or sometimes once every 2 weeks. And then she gets extreme orgasm and right after she cums, she throws me away cursing me why I seduced her and how she hates having sex. And that’s what hurts. While I want to have sex maybe 2-3 times a week, I can live with once a week or once every 2 weeks but please at least make me feel like I am desired. I think that’s the key thing in this sexual tension that goes in a spousal relationship. The LDP doesn’t understand that by denying sex, s/he is making the HDP partner feel rejected which hurts the HDP partner and in turn makes the HDP partner want sex even more (specially when that HDP partner is loving, caring and not fooling around). Also, one more thing that perplexes me is that sex is something that two people engage in when they are married. So, it’s not over-expectation to have sex in a marriage. If someone hates sex, that person should not get into a marriage as that will destroy the marriage and will hurt the other person.

  270. […] No sex on Valentine’s Day?! Why not?! I am of the belief that for most people to maintain a healthy and happy marriage, they need to be intimate at least once a week. This is often especially important for men who need to feel connected, and Valentine’s Day is as good of a time as any to work on maintaining that connection. Perhaps, if you did something fun and exciting, that “sexy time” would follow naturally. So I like where your head is at there. […]

  271. My wife and I a complicated story she never wants sex I enjoy it. I have been rejected so many times I feel I’m not good enough. We have talked to a therapist he suggested the helping out. She tried it once and it stopped things dragged on for a year then I began to think sometime was going on. I found out she was having phone and video conversations with other guys across the country I was devasted and felt betrayed. We got back together and started working on things our work schedules are pretty different and she has this game she plays called avabel where she met all these guys she video chatted with. While she plays it I do dishes laundry clean house and take care of kids til they go to sleep. A lot nights I know she is gonna reject me before I even try. It makes me feel terrible inside and sometimes I can’t keep it in. I cry myself to sleep other times I get angry and don’t want nothing to do with her. I got rejected three nights in a row or at least I thought I was going to and now she says all I care about is sex. The solution she has is we aren’t gonna have sex for a long time so I can prove to her I dont think of her as a piece of meat. Now granted two of kids aren’t mine we only have one together and I feel like she tortures me we have been together 7 years and married 5. I could really use some advice and help I feel lost shittie everyday would just like some advice!

  272. My husband wanted sex every time he came through the door starting with the day he came home after three and a half years under water in the navy. June 1st 1985. Instead of me greeting him as he came through his fathers front door he was met by a note on the door from his father directing him to take the sofa and leave me alone.

    He wanted to be greeted like he saw other husbands were greeted by their wives after only being gone 101 days coming off the Bus from kings bay in South Carolina With a wife in his arms. Instead his greeting was an hour latter with his father screaming at him about being so all fired anxious to get back to his civilian job In a big three Auto transmission plant under UAW representation. He was not waiting the 30 days he had to go back He was reinstating that morning. It took my husbands mother saying she will still be here latter just please don’t start the fight with his father that day and do as he asked. I did not see my husband his first day home.

    The second day my husband came in after being put straight to the floor at 4 am again> same note on the door and again yanked out at five am, All the sudden his mother is asking me to come help stop a murder. The sight was terrifying. My husband had his father pinned to the living room ceiling telling him that6 he had already got on his last nerve and he was going to have me he4lp find a place to live after breakfast, the bank, and returning his rental he had driven sixteen hours home He said he was going to see me if he had to tear bulkheads out. His father was turning blue. I went out against what his father asked me to do the first week Stay out of sight he said me being a distraction was not a good idea. He did not let him down he threw him down and he ran out the door crying his son had no time for this.

    I was scared out of my w3its at what I had just seen. My husband asked where his blazer was and I said it had been traded on the 84 firebird the year before by me and his father.

    That made him a little more angry saying he had more use for the blazer. And we left for breakfast. He put over 12000 in the bank in pay and allowances as well as unused leave. He was angry because they put him back on seconds. He was angry because I did not greet him as expected and after we found the place we wanted. he went back to work for another 12 hour shift. He also put his shift preference in with nine years acreued seniority, received a guardianship on me because he found out I was bi polar for the last year and a half.

    The next day we found out he was bumping a 19 year old girl with six months seniority and his father went ballistic. I ended that day telling my husband after two years we would start a sex life if he would just not think he had seniority rights and cooperate with everyone for awhile and let us start a family in peace.

    He stormed out of his fathers house calling everybody there the foulest names I was a mercenary b****, The girl that he was bumping sitting at the Table Was A 19 year old blond w**** that swung her hips to get guys to do her job her mother vwas also a society b**** and his father was a sports bum.

    He nearly flatened his mother on the way out. I know what I did was not right but we could see no other way to get him to be cooperative. We had to use it until October the 24th 2009 as the only way to keep the people around us happy because he did not care about any one else’s needs. He just wanted things to go his way. It was so bad we lost track of time until that night when he was on the operating table getting a 21 hour spinal reconstruction surgery. He was revived twice and found himself criplled after he woke up after MRSA got into his spine. He had worked everyday but six in the 31 years we were married. When he came home three years latter he caught me with an old boy friend. THe fight started by my AP was terrible when my husband broke every bone above his chest broken, And he was taken to a stress center He came home in an unbelievably fowl mood two weeks latter With me begging and pleading to meet any where he wanted after and event I was invited to. HE was yelling what I owed him for 31 years of marriage and how we had stolen his life. He said I was not going to be allowed to go to the event unless he went and under his roof he was the final judge and arbiter. I was really begging him to just talk to us before trying to get back his life. He did not give me the choice in sex as he ripped every stich off me. When he finished it was not love but anger at the way we had controlled him for 31 years. He was not going to let any one off the hook starting with me.

    A few minutes latter he started a fight with his fathers best friend by refusing entry into our house And threw him at his arriving mother and father landing him face first in the drive hurting him badly. His mother scooted around him and said today was going to be very bad for everyone. And she knew instant6ly what happened seeing my rip up cloths she said it finally backfired in your face. . I just did not know what to do in the situation I found myself in.

    HE wont stop taking his rights as he sees fit, any one gets in his way now gets flattened and he will not talk any kind of peace solutions.

  273. Im 23 years old and i’m soon to be married to the love of my life….yet we have problems in the bedroom lots of them …he wants sex every day and i don’t mean like exaggerating i mean literally every day and if i don’t have sex with him or help me get there then he jerks off. if i’m around he basically pokes me with it and tried to get my help…now i understand the wanting to feel close but jesus i have enough going on it makes this feel like another chore. Its not easy for me to get mine so really its not worth the trouble in my mind id rather take care of my self every great once in a while. I dont know whats wrong with me i know my fiance is a good looking man but i cant help feel attracted to other men at the same point. I have insane mood swings and when i get the slightest tone in my voice hes all “oh boy here’s another mood swing” (little off topic but still irritating) I know i’m not the only one out there like this and i love him i really do we have 35 days til the wedding and he told me last night he doesn’t compliment me any more because i shoot him down every time…. I don’t have a lot of self esteem and i realize this but i feel like maybe marrying him is a mistake? I see his bandmembers so happy with their women how they compliment them and really cherish them … but he doesn’t do that anymore..maybe this is my fault or maybe not im not sure anymore

  274. I really didn’t want to comment but I’m so alone. I feel so rejected. My wife has even started to only take showers twice a week. I love her to pieces. I’ve complained on two separate occasions about her lack of sexual desire (even knowing that it was a worthless thing to do). She pretended to want me for a little while after each occasion but, come on, I knew it was fake. I’m not the best built guy in the world, but I’m walking 5 miles a day and working on it and have been for months. She has never really wanted me since we were married. I always thought it would get better. Is she a lesbian and love me like a brother? I can tell she does love me but she definitely doesn’t desire me. (at all)

    • ouch! that rejection can really hurt. Sorry to hear about it. IF she’s only showering 2x a week there may be other things going on. Ask if she’s doing okay and ask if she would go to a counselor with you. I hope it all turns out well.

  275. We’ve been married 50 years and we only had sex a few times. He told me sex with me is terrible and disgusting so he just stopped sex with me. He decided he wanted nothing to do with me and moved his things to the basement and I was not to bother him again. I told him I wanted sex all he told me was not with him. He told me he would rather buy sex books and masturbate for the rest of his life. He’s not gay or have someone on the side, one of the first things I checked. He just never wanted me at least for sex. Don’t know why I stayed, I suppose I figured we could fix our marriage, it just got worse. Now in our 70s and our lives are pretty much over so I gave up and just lived my own life.

    • Thanks for sharing, Amy. This is a great example of how a couples’ sex life is inseparably connected to their relationship. You can’t have it be bad in one arena and not have it affect the other one.

  276. Sex and chocolate. During my discussion about this topic with my wife, I asked my wife to give up chocolate completely unless I decided to share some with her. She looked at me like I had lost my mind then blatantly and utterly refused such nonsense. She said chocolate was her one solace, her only vice, and what she depends on for comfort after a stressful day at work and/or with our toddler. She wouldn’t even consider the request. Hmmm. Chocolate: there’s some food for thought.

    Our first successful attempt for actual sex this year was initiated by her just two weeks ago. Even though I didn’t reap a rewarding finish, that was a huge victory for us (in my mind). The last time was late last summer, I guess. However, I know the cycle just starts all over until she happens to get in the mood again. Sadly, most attempts are just a disaster and begins to feel like a chore even to me.

    To me, the mindset of “I know you need and desire sex, and even though I have no intentions to help you out with that (unless I happen to want it first), you are forbidden to have those needs met by anyone else.” is just effin insane.

    I have no answers. I have no solutions. My wife knows our lack of sex is an issue, but she doesn’t seem to grasp the reality of how the lack thereof impacts our relationship. My research shows that sexless marriages do not last, or if they do, at least one person has conceded to being miserable. The available options aren’t very comforting or truly satisfying when all you want is to have a meaningful sexual relationship with your own spouse.

    I don’t want to masturbate all the damn time. It pisses me off that I have to sneak around late at night and jack off looking at porn. It REALLY pisses me off and embarrasses me to get caught do so. I don’t want to be “that guy”. I’d much rather be making love to my wife.

    I don’t want to have an affair. They’re too damn messy and complicated.

    I don’t want a prostitute. That’s illegal and a health risk.

    I don’t want to be celibate. I did not get married to be celibate.

    I don’t want to be neutered or have my “levels” lowered. Normal couple have sex! I only want a normal sexual relationship.

    I don’t want obligatory, lackluster, hurry-and-get-off sex. I don’t even get offered that, but it can’t be much better. Although….it the best option listed so far.

    I don’t want to get divorced. I love my wife, and I love my baby girl.

    The only other option I can see is for her to agree that these needs can be met by someone else. She could even choose the person to do it. However, this band-aid doesn’t cure the problem. Open marriage scenarios don’t have the best statistics for longevity.

    So, here I sit with the rest of you and post my frustration….hoping I’ll scroll across someone’s miracle solution, but knowing there is none. Personally, I think it is a selfish form of neglect and abuse, intentional or not. We’re not demanding our spouse to be a sex puppet. We just want that connection and the closeness and satisfaction that comes from sharing that with our spouse. Sex is the glue that keeps us bonded and in-tune with each other. Without it, we lose connectivity. We both lose. Period.

    So yeah, I’m pretty pissed that I’ve gone these past years sacrificing my sexual needs yet my wife can’t even fathom the thought of sacrificing her chocolate fix for a couple of months. What’s a marriage worth these days, anyway?

  277. There are low sex relationships that can be saved.
    Others can not.
    Find out which you are.
    If she / he does not CARE that you feel the rejection, leave now.RIGHT NOW!
    Don’t even pack.
    They will bring out every sort of emotional manipulation possible.
    You WILL be accused of being a sex addict, a porn addict, gay, a drunk anything but face the issue of their refusal to be a friend in bed.
    Do NOT weaken, leave. NOW.
    Lose money, the house, the kids?
    You will anyway.

  278. Hi, I’m in a situation here where I’m ready to separate. I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 13 of the 18 years we have been together. She is withholding delibertly too. She is 43 I’m 40 both are functional. Kids are teenage. She is a stay at home mom and homeschools. I was never forgiven from years ago. Note, she was married and divorced before me and the reason was they were not attracted to each other sexually. That’s her side of the story but her problem with me is she wanted kids I did not was not ready. My dad egged me into having kids , as I was in love I was ok about it. However she found out in a fight. She won’t let that go, it’s what she wanted and it’s my problem with her. The other issue is I don’t proactively do housework and kiss her ass. I do my own laundry, dishes etc. The kids can help out with this stuff but she chooses to baby them and do all the housework. Ok so. With that said that was our fight she needs time and space. She does the budget shopping etc, 1 joint account I work and pay direct to account. Sex is not on the table we go 2,3,6 months when I bug and bug she let’s me in that blue moon. It’s boring too wet noodle just lays there thinking hurry up I need to get back on Facebook. She and my kids both have an internet addiction they are on it and good 13 hrs a day. Income made from that is zero. I’m at the point I’m opening a new checking in my name and stashing all I can in it to move out and rent a room. With half my net still going to joint account most bills can be paid, I’ll give her a 2 week notice when I’m about to move out. She thinks it’s cheaper to stay together , however I get to spend 40 bucks on myself now per month. When I’m gone I’ll have about 400 into savings per month that’s on top of putting 1500 net into shared so they don’t get evicted. From our new home, she can work and make up the difference and then some. I make 3000 net currently, so a 12.00 hr office job full time she will be fine.

    Thoughts sorry to ramble on here in the end it’s cheaper to leave her. I have no 401k or anything but I will not suffer in a sexless marriage anymore when there are plenty of nice mom’s out there that want a man’s touch without a live together relationsip.

    Ty , Doug

    Ps done on a cell phone might not be perfect ????

  279. I have given up on trying to get my wife to have sex with me for the last 8 years. I ask occasionally sometimes and she says ok and then when time comes, nothing happens. I never take her OK as something serious anymore and at times I’ve told her “I’ll believe it when I see it.” It’s not worth the try over and over and over again. She has even asked me on occasion and It’s always the same story. She plants herself in front of the TV like she always does and falls asleep by 8pm. Wether the kids are home or not. I take the opportunity on the rare occasion when she wants it. I have turned to masturbation though just about every night upset at the last rejection wether it was 5 minutes ago or 3 weeks ago. It just doesn’t pay to try.

  280. I tried to not initiate sex, because I was turned down so often. I waited for her to initiate. Waited 107 days! On the 107th day, I did ask for sex and she rejected me and told me that if I keep bugging her for sex, she will divorce me.

    The next morning I called a lawyer and now she will never have to have sex with me again because I am divorcing her.

  281. I’m with John. I guess I have gotten to the point where I don’t care about sex anymore and resort to masturbation because an “okay maybe later” means “no”. I don’t even ask why because I know the response will be “I don’t see you doing any of the chores of this house”. I give her credit she’s a very good cleanly person and takes good care of our house. So I know she’s right about that. I really don’t do a whole lot around the house. I try, but everything I do is “in the wrong spot” or “not neat enough”. I put the dishes into the dishwasher and before I can run it she’s rearranging them. I don’t do chores because I’d rather be lazy than do the chore and then be wrong all the time. I have resolved to masturbation as a norm, and no longer asking. I think we maybe had sex around the fourth of July, but I don’t remember if that was this past year or the year before. It all gets blurry. I don’t think she would approve of me masturbating, but I would go insane if I didn’t. So I wait for precious moments like when she goes grocery shopping, or late at night after she’s gone to bed. I love her to death but sex had its glory days during our honeymoon year and that was about it. Those of you that complain about not having sex every week. What I would give for the days of twice a month sex!

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