As a marriage counselor, I see a lot of couples with difficulties surrounding intimacy. It makes sense, right? Couples who are having difficulties in their relationship don’t usually feel connected enough to have good sex. So when I got this letter from a follower the other asking about a really common sexual problem, I asked them if I could share it on my blog. They gave me permission to share it along with my response on here.
I love your blog and articles and I was wondering if I could ask you something. My husband and I have an overall good marriage. We care about each other, there have never been any big problems like affairs or drugs, and we do a lot of things together as a family. I think it’s a good relationship and I’m satisfied with it.
He Wants Sex All The Time
But there’s always been one issue that we seem to usually argue about. If it weren’t for this, our marriage would be a 10 out of 10. That issue is sex. He wants it all the time! We do it about 2 or 3 times a week but I think he’d do it lots more if he could! I don’t know if this is normal or not, but even when we’re not doing it, he’s always talking to me about it or making suggestions about it. I feel like they’re indirect criticisms of me and I feel a lot of pressure as a result – especially when it’s been a few days since we did it last. It’s really not helpful in making me want to have sex. I have tried telling him to stop pressuring me and I might want it more but nothing seems to work.
Any information about how to fix this issue so I don’t feel so pressured all the time?
Keep writing, Love it,
Dear Blog Admirer,
Thanks for being a fan! This is a very typical problem for a lot of couples. First of all, in every relationship there’s always a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And in EVERY relationship, there’s usually a sense of frustration from the HDP towards the LDP because they would like more sex and they’re not getting it as often as they would like. What normally results is something like you described: The HDP makes comments because they’re feeling frustrated and the LDP feels pressure to have sex even if they don’t want it. When this happens sex starts feeling more like a chore instead of a connection resulting in lots and lots of fights.
Sex Is a Way To Intimately Connect
Underneath it all, sex is a way for couples to connect on an intimate, romantic and vulnerable level. Sex is the one thing that you do with our spouse that you don’t do with anyone else. So it really is a way to connect in a relationship the way you can’t connect with anyone else. With that, it carries an extra level of meaning and importance in a relationship – which is often why there are so many fights about it.
Wanting Sex All the Time is Another Way to Say “I Want to Connect with You”.
Tell Him What He Can Do To Help Get You In The Mood
The HDP wants to have sex usually because they want to feel connected. The LDP usually wants to feel connected first before they have sex. One way to help your situation is to give your husband a “road sign” of what he can do to help get you in the mood first. Saying something like “Honey, I’m not really in the mood right now but I love you and want to get in the mood. If you would do X Y or Z first, that would really help me get in the mood so we can have a rocking time together.”
Talk about Sex as a Way to Emotionally Connect
Another thing that may help is to talk about sex together as a way to emotionally connect, not just as a physical gratification. Sex shouldn’t be something that just needs to be done – like cleaning the house. Sex is an emotional and intimate thing and should be treated as such. Talk with each other about it on an emotional level. Say things like “I need to feel close to you before we have sex. Mind if we do X Y or Z first?” or “I know you really need sex to feel like I love you. I really want to show you that I love you but I am just not in the mood right now. What can I do to help you come?” You’ll feel less pressured and he’ll feel less rejected if you talk to each other about sex on an emotional level and not like it’s just some chore.
There’s lots more I could write about this (and probably will in future posts). Hope this helps for now.