“My Husband Wants Sex All the Time”

As a  marriage counselor, I see a lot of couples with difficulties surrounding intimacy. It makes sense, right? Couples who are having difficulties in their relationship don’t usually feel connected enough to have good sex. So when I got this letter from a follower the other asking about a really common sexual problem, I asked them if I could share it on my blog. They gave me permission to share it along with my response on here.

Dear Aaron,

I love your blog and articles and I was wondering if I could ask you something. My husband and I have an overall good marriage. We care about each other, there have never been any big problems like affairs or drugs, and we do a lot of things together as a family.  I think it’s a good relationship and I’m satisfied with it.

He Wants Sex All The Time

But there’s always been one issue that we seem to usually argue about. If it weren’t for this, our marriage would be a 10 out of 10. That issue is sex. He wants it all the time! We do it about 2 or 3 times a week but I think he’d do it lots more if he could! I don’t know if this is normal or not, but even when we’re not doing it, he’s always talking to me about it or making suggestions about it. I feel like they’re indirect criticisms of me and I feel a lot of pressure as a result – especially when it’s been a few days since we did it last. It’s really not helpful in making me want to have sex. I have tried telling him to stop pressuring me and I might want it more but nothing seems to work.

Any information about how to fix this issue so I don’t feel so pressured all the time?

Keep writing, Love it,

Blog Admirer

Dear Blog Admirer,

Thanks for being a fan! This is a very typical problem for a lot of couples. First of all, in every relationship there’s always a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And in EVERY relationship, there’s usually a sense of frustration from the HDP towards the LDP because they would like more sex and they’re not getting it as often as they would like. What normally results is something like you described: The HDP makes comments because they’re feeling frustrated and the LDP feels pressure to have sex even if they don’t want it. When this happens sex starts feeling more like a chore instead of a connection resulting in lots and lots of fights.

Sex Is a Way To Intimately Connect 

 

Underneath it all, sex is a way for couples to connect on an intimate, romantic and vulnerable level. Sex is the one thing that you do with our spouse that you don’t do with anyone else. So it really is a way to connect in a relationship the way you can’t connect with anyone else. With that, it carries an extra level of meaning and importance in a relationship – which is often why there are so many fights about it.

Wanting Sex All the Time is Another Way to Say “I Want to Connect with You”. 

 

Tell Him What He Can Do To Help Get You In The Mood

 

The HDP wants to have sex usually because they want to feel connected. The LDP usually wants to feel connected first before they have sex. One way to help your situation is to give your husband a “road sign” of what he can do to help get you in the mood first. Saying something like “Honey, I’m not really in the mood right now but I love you and want to get in the mood. If you would do X Y or Z first, that would really help me get in the mood so we can have a rocking time together.”

Talk about Sex as a Way to Emotionally Connect 

Another thing that may help is to talk about sex together as a way to emotionally connect, not just as a physical gratification. Sex shouldn’t be something that just needs to be done – like cleaning the house. Sex is an emotional and intimate thing and should be treated as such. Talk with each other about it on an emotional level. Say things like “I need to feel close to you before we have sex. Mind if we do X Y or Z first?” or “I know you really need sex to feel like I love you. I really want to show you that I love you but I am just not in the mood right now. What can I do to help you come?” You’ll feel less pressured and he’ll feel less rejected if you talk to each other about sex on an emotional level and not like it’s just some chore.

There’s lots more I could write about this (and probably will in future posts). Hope this helps for now.

Regards,

Aaron

Related Articles: Intimacy and; Sex: How They’re Different and Why You Should Know The Difference.
“She Never Wants Sex”

349 Responses to “My Husband Wants Sex All the Time”

  1. wow. I have to comment on this. you didn't have any real advice for this girl. I have a similar experience… I was this girl, maybe 14 years ago. I had no idea who to talk to about the problem, and I wanted to keep the peace, so I acquiesced whenever he wanted it, without complaining. As the years went by however, I really started dreading it. I was sick and tired of sex. Finally I decided to talk to him about it.
    I told him how I felt, but it made him so angry he gave me the silent treatment for more than a week. I had read somewhere that scheduling sex for every saturday worked for some couples in this situation, so to try and break him out of the silent treatment, I offered that suggestion. He was not happy, but agreed to try it. This didn't work either. 5 years later, we are still having sex every saturday, but I still dread sex, I find it revolting and if we didn't have kids I'd probably divorce him. This sex issue is serious, but also complicated.

        • What is it about sex that makes it revolting for you? Is it a lack of pleasure, distaste for the naked human body, bodily functions, or poor past experience, etc? I agree it can be complicated.

          Different situation from yourself, but I suffered from chronic UTI problems for over 2 years and although medical-related, combined with regular daily responsibilities, I let it kill my libido. My husband was patient and we took things slowly. Now my drive is in a good place, but it took a lot of work to get here. Frustrations, fear and pain.

          I’m sorry your husband gave you the silent treatment. This behavior is not conductive to resolving anything! Though I can appreciate that he has some pent up energy figuratively and literally.

          I hope there’s a reproach to your situation in the near future.

    • There’s one thing that the counselor missed. Obviously she likes to think the good in people. But if the husband is demanding sex out of her, it sounds like he’s demanding and not asking nicely and is NOT OK with it if she says no. Which sounds like he is simply objectifying her and looking at her as a receptacle for his pleasure.

      The therapist said that men have sex to feel close, and while that is true, not all men have sex to feel close. Some just want to “get off” for lack of a better term.

      It sounds like her husband wants to ejaculate and he’s mad because she’s not helping him ejaculate. I see nothing in the story the points to he wants to be close to her and love her I think that the therapist is wearing rose-colored glasses. The anger and home, tells you that he has complete contempt for her feelings I’m surprise she didn’t pick up on that.

      • My husband wants to have sex all the time and for me to pay attention to only him when he is off of work. (He works every other week on the night shift.) It has gotten to the point that if I have to pay bills or do housework after a long trip, I am ignoring him. We have sex constantly. I wish he only wanted it every two or three days. Try two times a day, and it can’t just be a quickie. I love my family, but I am tired of having to constantly give in to his needs. I have the need to be left alone and have some personal time. I have kids who need attention. I can’t treat him like he is my entire world. We have been together sixteen years. To me that kind of behavior naturally fades (at least to some extent) over time. He still expects girlfriend level attention.

        • Hi, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I’ve been with my husband for over three years and we were married in September last year. He is a major attention hog (always has been). He wants all eyes on him and always. I have two children who he has been a wonderful stepfather to and he never intervenes with them but if it’s a friend that’s a whole different story. It’s difficult to even speak to my friends when they are around because then he starts to mope and catches a bad attitude because he claims that I ignore him. And forget any time alone with friends because then I’m out running the streets. We also have an issue with sex. He most definitely has a higher sex drive and wants sex every single day, multiple times a day, for three years straight. He is constantly trying to advance with me no matter where we are or what we are doing. Ass grabbing, boob grabbing, will even slip his hand down to my genital area and this is on a daily basis. I usually shut him down because we have gotten to the point that sex seems more like a chore than pleasure. The last year or so has been rough because my sex drive has plummeted. I love him and he loves me but we have become sexually frustrated with each other to the point that I’ve considered leaving him on several occasions. But then I remember all of the reasons that I married him and I just can’t. He is still that man underneath the insane sex drive. I remember hearing over and over for years that communication is the key to a successful relationship and I honestly think our communication about our sexual life does not exist. I have thought about it and decided that I am going to sit him down next weekend and we are going to discuss things on a large scale. I sincerely believe that MOST women need to have non sexual intimacy in order to want sex. Hand holding, cuddling, smiles and laughs. We are emotional creatures and need emotional stimulation. I am going to explain this to my husband. He used to demonstrate these things very frequently with me but with all of the tension for so long it has died down. I think if he can renew this with me I will be more than attracted to him all over again and ready to rumble. 🙂 I’ll also be negotiating with hi about Alone time with other adults (my women friends of course) and time to have another social life other than just him and my kids and mother. Ill remind him that time alone makes you miss someone and more appreciative of their presence. It’s all worth a shot in my opinion. I don’t know if this or something similar would be helpful for you and your husband but I decided to share. You are not alone! Good luck!

  2. Hi Anonymous, Sorry for the slow reply. And sorry to hear about your situation. Yeah, the whole scheduled sex thing hardly ever works. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, passionate and fun. Scheduling it makes it seem more like a chore. No wonder you resent it.

    I'm sorry to hear that your partner gave you the silent treatment after you tried talking about it. That never helps things – for you or him. Like I said in this post, sex is an expression of intimacy. If you're not feeling passionate or intimate sex will be boring and dreadful. try to do something to ignite some spark in your relationship, and ask him to do the same. See if that helps your sex at all. Feel free to drop me a line and I'd be happy to answer you more in depth if you don't mind it being a blog post.

  3. What you aren't addressing here is the lack of mutual respect. if some one says no it means no. My husband wants sex all.the time. He is the HDP, and his libido hasn't slowed down in 20 years, so he acuses me of being old. That is not a turn on either, nor is it fair. I think it's a power struggle. When he lays on top of me and I do not reciprocate for various reasons…mostly.because its 6AM, it shouldn't cause an argument and harsh words. It should be mutually enjoyable. Not a wifely duty. Not scheduled. Not let's wake her up because I'm horny. That's what masturbation is for, and he seems to forgotten how to do it. Plus he gets mad if he finds out I masturbate without him. Can I have no moments of privacy with my body??? When I say you hurt my feelings, he cuts me off with a brusque apology, and is angry. Doesn't want to hear how it makes me feel. And the more.he discounts my feelings, the more strident I become in making my point. And then.there will.be no sex at all after that. We normally have sex on the weekends, 3 or 4 times, and occasionally have sex during the week. We're in our 40s, and have never been the type of couple who has sex on the middle.of.the night.So why wake me up at dawn and expect me to be happy after I said no please stop, get off etc, ,,( and he said don't worry I don't want sex, he .just wanted slurp on my breasts for 10 minutes while I tried to wake up… ew!). That's not respectful, period.

    • That’s what masturbation is for? WTF… Why do men get married if you expect us to masturbate. And your approach to this is WRONG. I’m 36 years old my wife is 39. And she I ask her all the time if there is anything in the world I can do to get it more…some of my friends I talk to are female and they want sex all the time too and like this article says it’s probably 50-50 with the men and women rate. I’ve been married for almost 11 years now. My wife weights about 215 pounds at a height of 5’9. She tells me all the time I’m not getting it because of that…and that she’s tired..when I was working overnight’s 10 to 7 and watching our 4 year old daughter all day and getting about 3 to 5 hours of sleep a day…it’s all excuses!!And there is way more articles telling people to give in and please your husband than there is don’t have sex with him and make him cheat on your butt.

  4. Hi Jen,

    You're absolutely right. Your situation doesn't sound very respectful. It's a catch 22, feeling disrespected makes you not want sex and and when he doesn't get sex he becomes disrespectful. It's a bad cycle.

    Apparently, when you try to tell him you're feeling disrespected he doesn't take it very well and he gets mad uses harsh words, etc. Your body is yours and that should be respected. You should be also be respected. If it's been going on for 20 years, it's probably time to see a counselor. Nobody likes to see a counselor but it may be better than putting up with the disrespect and having unsatisfying sex for another twenty years.

  5. I felt as lost after reading article as I did when I started it. Advice on how to make situation better and improve relationship is what is needed. Bill and I have been married for a year we are middle aged couple. Every day I hear it…."fred" wants you to come play with him…lets fool around, just touch him one time….etc etc we have sex two times a week but never when I want. it all him. its all about him. I work hard 10 hours a day and come home to clean house, cook dinner, take care of dogs etc. my body is also going through changes, we are renovating house with brunt on me. I have NO DRIVE but he doesn't respect that. I am neglecting him etc How do I let him know to chill down without attacking him? why cant he understand I desire him but I am tired and body says not now? I love him and I love to just lay with him and cuddle and touch but sex just isn't on my wish list right now. he takes is personally and it is ruining an otherwise awesome relationship. if I say my period started again or I don't feel good he will say I will do anything to get out of sex or don't worry I wasn't going to ask you to have sex. that hurts me so bad because I cant stop my period and I really don't feel good. it seems like everything revolves around sex in one way or another. I just want to be a wife and partner. (willing non pressured one) how can I help bill and I continue to grow as a couple and be more responsive and respectful in the sexual side of the house? the tears need to stop and I need a way to convey I want and desire him but making love is just not in me right now. thank you

  6. Hi Anonymous,

    My advice to you is the same as I gave to the woman in the article. Give your husband a sign of what he can do that will help put you in the mood. His pressuring and criticizing obviously isn't doing it for you (no wonder). Instead of telling him what NOT to do, try telling him what he can do. Men are usually happy to do what it takes to get sex so if you tell him what he can do he might actually do it. And then you might enjoy sex as well. It's a win/win for both of you.

    Sex is an important part of a relationship. In fact, sex is the only thing we share with our spouses that we don't share with anyone else. It really is essential in a relationship – the same as talking, etc. If your body is going through changes and you just can't do it right now talk about things that you CAN do with each other that pleases both of you: oral sex, manual stimulation, etc. There are ways to be sexual without having sex that is pleasing to both of you. Talk openly and willingly about it.

  7. What can you do to make him leave you alone completely. No foreplay no sex just cuddling. I think that's what pier asking. Just the man getting over the mood of having sex every day.its ridiculous it just makes the woman look at the man as a begging dog.