“My Husband Wants Sex All the Time”

“My Husband Wants Sex All the Time”

As a  marriage counselor, I see a lot of couples with difficulties surrounding intimacy. It makes sense, right? Couples who are having difficulties in their relationship don’t usually feel connected enough to have good sex. So when I got this letter from a follower the other asking about a really common sexual problem, I asked them if I could share it on my blog. They gave me permission to share it along with my response on here.

Dear Aaron,

I love your blog and articles and I was wondering if I could ask you something. My husband and I have an overall good marriage. We care about each other, there have never been any big problems like affairs or drugs, and we do a lot of things together as a family.  I think it’s a good relationship and I’m satisfied with it.

He Wants Sex All The Time

But there’s always been one issue that we seem to usually argue about. If it weren’t for this, our marriage would be a 10 out of 10. That issue is sex. He wants it all the time! We do it about 2 or 3 times a week but I think he’d do it lots more if he could! I don’t know if this is normal or not, but even when we’re not doing it, he’s always talking to me about it or making suggestions about it. I feel like they’re indirect criticisms of me and I feel a lot of pressure as a result – especially when it’s been a few days since we did it last. It’s really not helpful in making me want to have sex. I have tried telling him to stop pressuring me and I might want it more but nothing seems to work.

Any information about how to fix this issue so I don’t feel so pressured all the time?

Keep writing, Love it,

Blog Admirer

Dear Blog Admirer,

Thanks for being a fan! This is a very typical problem for a lot of couples. First of all, in every relationship there’s always a High Desire Partner (HDP) and a Low Desire Partner (LDP). And in EVERY relationship, there’s usually a sense of frustration from the HDP towards the LDP because they would like more sex and they’re not getting it as often as they would like. What normally results is something like you described: The HDP makes comments because they’re feeling frustrated and the LDP feels pressure to have sex even if they don’t want it. When this happens sex starts feeling more like a chore instead of a connection resulting in lots and lots of fights.

Sex Is a Way To Intimately Connect 


Underneath it all, sex is a way for couples to connect on an intimate, romantic and vulnerable level. Sex is the one thing that you do with our spouse that you don’t do with anyone else. So it really is a way to connect in a relationship the way you can’t connect with anyone else. With that, it carries an extra level of meaning and importance in a relationship – which is often why there are so many fights about it.

Wanting Sex All the Time is Another Way to Say “I Want to Connect with You”. 


Tell Him What He Can Do To Help Get You In The Mood


The HDP wants to have sex usually because they want to feel connected. The LDP usually wants to feel connected first before they have sex. One way to help your situation is to give your husband a “road sign” of what he can do to help get you in the mood first. Saying something like “Honey, I’m not really in the mood right now but I love you and want to get in the mood. If you would do X Y or Z first, that would really help me get in the mood so we can have a rocking time together.”

Talk about Sex as a Way to Emotionally Connect 

Another thing that may help is to talk about sex together as a way to emotionally connect, not just as a physical gratification. Sex shouldn’t be something that just needs to be done – like cleaning the house. Sex is an emotional and intimate thing and should be treated as such. Talk with each other about it on an emotional level. Say things like “I need to feel close to you before we have sex. Mind if we do X Y or Z first?” or “I know you really need sex to feel like I love you. I really want to show you that I love you but I am just not in the mood right now. What can I do to help you come?” You’ll feel less pressured and he’ll feel less rejected if you talk to each other about sex on an emotional level and not like it’s just some chore.

There’s lots more I could write about this (and probably will in future posts). Hope this helps for now.



Related Articles: Intimacy and; Sex: How They’re Different and Why You Should Know The Difference.
“She Never Wants Sex”

352 Responses to “My Husband Wants Sex All the Time”

  1. wow. I have to comment on this. you didn't have any real advice for this girl. I have a similar experience… I was this girl, maybe 14 years ago. I had no idea who to talk to about the problem, and I wanted to keep the peace, so I acquiesced whenever he wanted it, without complaining. As the years went by however, I really started dreading it. I was sick and tired of sex. Finally I decided to talk to him about it.
    I told him how I felt, but it made him so angry he gave me the silent treatment for more than a week. I had read somewhere that scheduling sex for every saturday worked for some couples in this situation, so to try and break him out of the silent treatment, I offered that suggestion. He was not happy, but agreed to try it. This didn't work either. 5 years later, we are still having sex every saturday, but I still dread sex, I find it revolting and if we didn't have kids I'd probably divorce him. This sex issue is serious, but also complicated.

        • What is it about sex that makes it revolting for you? Is it a lack of pleasure, distaste for the naked human body, bodily functions, or poor past experience, etc? I agree it can be complicated.

          Different situation from yourself, but I suffered from chronic UTI problems for over 2 years and although medical-related, combined with regular daily responsibilities, I let it kill my libido. My husband was patient and we took things slowly. Now my drive is in a good place, but it took a lot of work to get here. Frustrations, fear and pain.

          I’m sorry your husband gave you the silent treatment. This behavior is not conductive to resolving anything! Though I can appreciate that he has some pent up energy figuratively and literally.

          I hope there’s a reproach to your situation in the near future.

    • There’s one thing that the counselor missed. Obviously she likes to think the good in people. But if the husband is demanding sex out of her, it sounds like he’s demanding and not asking nicely and is NOT OK with it if she says no. Which sounds like he is simply objectifying her and looking at her as a receptacle for his pleasure.

      The therapist said that men have sex to feel close, and while that is true, not all men have sex to feel close. Some just want to “get off” for lack of a better term.

      It sounds like her husband wants to ejaculate and he’s mad because she’s not helping him ejaculate. I see nothing in the story the points to he wants to be close to her and love her I think that the therapist is wearing rose-colored glasses. The anger and home, tells you that he has complete contempt for her feelings I’m surprise she didn’t pick up on that.

      • My husband wants to have sex all the time and for me to pay attention to only him when he is off of work. (He works every other week on the night shift.) It has gotten to the point that if I have to pay bills or do housework after a long trip, I am ignoring him. We have sex constantly. I wish he only wanted it every two or three days. Try two times a day, and it can’t just be a quickie. I love my family, but I am tired of having to constantly give in to his needs. I have the need to be left alone and have some personal time. I have kids who need attention. I can’t treat him like he is my entire world. We have been together sixteen years. To me that kind of behavior naturally fades (at least to some extent) over time. He still expects girlfriend level attention.

        • Hi, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I’ve been with my husband for over three years and we were married in September last year. He is a major attention hog (always has been). He wants all eyes on him and always. I have two children who he has been a wonderful stepfather to and he never intervenes with them but if it’s a friend that’s a whole different story. It’s difficult to even speak to my friends when they are around because then he starts to mope and catches a bad attitude because he claims that I ignore him. And forget any time alone with friends because then I’m out running the streets. We also have an issue with sex. He most definitely has a higher sex drive and wants sex every single day, multiple times a day, for three years straight. He is constantly trying to advance with me no matter where we are or what we are doing. Ass grabbing, boob grabbing, will even slip his hand down to my genital area and this is on a daily basis. I usually shut him down because we have gotten to the point that sex seems more like a chore than pleasure. The last year or so has been rough because my sex drive has plummeted. I love him and he loves me but we have become sexually frustrated with each other to the point that I’ve considered leaving him on several occasions. But then I remember all of the reasons that I married him and I just can’t. He is still that man underneath the insane sex drive. I remember hearing over and over for years that communication is the key to a successful relationship and I honestly think our communication about our sexual life does not exist. I have thought about it and decided that I am going to sit him down next weekend and we are going to discuss things on a large scale. I sincerely believe that MOST women need to have non sexual intimacy in order to want sex. Hand holding, cuddling, smiles and laughs. We are emotional creatures and need emotional stimulation. I am going to explain this to my husband. He used to demonstrate these things very frequently with me but with all of the tension for so long it has died down. I think if he can renew this with me I will be more than attracted to him all over again and ready to rumble. 🙂 I’ll also be negotiating with hi about Alone time with other adults (my women friends of course) and time to have another social life other than just him and my kids and mother. Ill remind him that time alone makes you miss someone and more appreciative of their presence. It’s all worth a shot in my opinion. I don’t know if this or something similar would be helpful for you and your husband but I decided to share. You are not alone! Good luck!

          • I am a man with a wife (been together 16 years, married 14, we have 4 kids age 4 to 11). This is huge. We plan once a week, but without the emotional connection, sex is pointless for me even. It’s nice to see all of you woman speaking on your side, it confirms that I’m at least trying to do things correctly. The other side is that if I don’t at least get to attempt to help her get done (which is rare), I usually would rather get done on my own, do you ladies find that annoying or dumb? Just curious.

      • I can’t believe what I’m reading. In my marriage, I am the hsd. I absolutely do not “use” my wife to ejaculate into. I am thoroughly focused on providing her pleasure. I’ll do anything that she wants me to do. Anything. I do want the closeness and the intimacy that sex and only sex provided in it’s very unique and priceless way.
        She still rejects my advances. She is a wonderful lover. Not that I’m conceited but I think I’m a very good lover too. She feels all the “pressure” like so many of the rest of you.
        Rejection is the key word in all this for me. Rejection and disbelief as well. “Why wouldn’t anyone want to experience an orgasm as often as possible?” is what the puzzlement and frustration is where I’m at. I don’t get it.
        I love my wife and want nothing more than to love and protect her always. Why wouldn’t that extend to the physical nature of love that I feel I need?
        I can’t understand why she doesn’t seem to need the physical aspect of love. It isn’t just the sex either and I’d lay money on it that guys in my situation experience the same lack of desire to even touch and pet and kiss their husbands.
        Further I am absolutely certain that there are many, many women out there that are thinking “Oh my God why can’t my husband be so interested in love like that?”. I know it. I’ve had that thought expressed to me and heard of it.
        It’s not fair. It’s not right. Sorry gals but you are throwing away happiness with both hands. Shame on you.

        • A brilliant sex therapist by the name of David Schnarch posits that low desire partners are often low desire because they are afraid of closeness. Even though that’s what almost every ldp says i.e. “I want to feel close in order to want have sex”. Yes, orgasms are great! And they build connection and bond. And that’s sometimes what people are trying to stay away from.

  2. Hi Anonymous, Sorry for the slow reply. And sorry to hear about your situation. Yeah, the whole scheduled sex thing hardly ever works. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, passionate and fun. Scheduling it makes it seem more like a chore. No wonder you resent it.

    I'm sorry to hear that your partner gave you the silent treatment after you tried talking about it. That never helps things – for you or him. Like I said in this post, sex is an expression of intimacy. If you're not feeling passionate or intimate sex will be boring and dreadful. try to do something to ignite some spark in your relationship, and ask him to do the same. See if that helps your sex at all. Feel free to drop me a line and I'd be happy to answer you more in depth if you don't mind it being a blog post.

  3. What you aren't addressing here is the lack of mutual respect. if some one says no it means no. My husband wants sex all.the time. He is the HDP, and his libido hasn't slowed down in 20 years, so he acuses me of being old. That is not a turn on either, nor is it fair. I think it's a power struggle. When he lays on top of me and I do not reciprocate for various reasons…mostly.because its 6AM, it shouldn't cause an argument and harsh words. It should be mutually enjoyable. Not a wifely duty. Not scheduled. Not let's wake her up because I'm horny. That's what masturbation is for, and he seems to forgotten how to do it. Plus he gets mad if he finds out I masturbate without him. Can I have no moments of privacy with my body??? When I say you hurt my feelings, he cuts me off with a brusque apology, and is angry. Doesn't want to hear how it makes me feel. And the more.he discounts my feelings, the more strident I become in making my point. And then.there will.be no sex at all after that. We normally have sex on the weekends, 3 or 4 times, and occasionally have sex during the week. We're in our 40s, and have never been the type of couple who has sex on the middle.of.the night.So why wake me up at dawn and expect me to be happy after I said no please stop, get off etc, ,,( and he said don't worry I don't want sex, he .just wanted slurp on my breasts for 10 minutes while I tried to wake up… ew!). That's not respectful, period.

    • That’s what masturbation is for? WTF… Why do men get married if you expect us to masturbate. And your approach to this is WRONG. I’m 36 years old my wife is 39. And she I ask her all the time if there is anything in the world I can do to get it more…some of my friends I talk to are female and they want sex all the time too and like this article says it’s probably 50-50 with the men and women rate. I’ve been married for almost 11 years now. My wife weights about 215 pounds at a height of 5’9. She tells me all the time I’m not getting it because of that…and that she’s tired..when I was working overnight’s 10 to 7 and watching our 4 year old daughter all day and getting about 3 to 5 hours of sleep a day…it’s all excuses!!And there is way more articles telling people to give in and please your husband than there is don’t have sex with him and make him cheat on your butt.

  4. Hi Jen,

    You're absolutely right. Your situation doesn't sound very respectful. It's a catch 22, feeling disrespected makes you not want sex and and when he doesn't get sex he becomes disrespectful. It's a bad cycle.

    Apparently, when you try to tell him you're feeling disrespected he doesn't take it very well and he gets mad uses harsh words, etc. Your body is yours and that should be respected. You should be also be respected. If it's been going on for 20 years, it's probably time to see a counselor. Nobody likes to see a counselor but it may be better than putting up with the disrespect and having unsatisfying sex for another twenty years.

  5. I felt as lost after reading article as I did when I started it. Advice on how to make situation better and improve relationship is what is needed. Bill and I have been married for a year we are middle aged couple. Every day I hear it…."fred" wants you to come play with him…lets fool around, just touch him one time….etc etc we have sex two times a week but never when I want. it all him. its all about him. I work hard 10 hours a day and come home to clean house, cook dinner, take care of dogs etc. my body is also going through changes, we are renovating house with brunt on me. I have NO DRIVE but he doesn't respect that. I am neglecting him etc How do I let him know to chill down without attacking him? why cant he understand I desire him but I am tired and body says not now? I love him and I love to just lay with him and cuddle and touch but sex just isn't on my wish list right now. he takes is personally and it is ruining an otherwise awesome relationship. if I say my period started again or I don't feel good he will say I will do anything to get out of sex or don't worry I wasn't going to ask you to have sex. that hurts me so bad because I cant stop my period and I really don't feel good. it seems like everything revolves around sex in one way or another. I just want to be a wife and partner. (willing non pressured one) how can I help bill and I continue to grow as a couple and be more responsive and respectful in the sexual side of the house? the tears need to stop and I need a way to convey I want and desire him but making love is just not in me right now. thank you

  6. Hi Anonymous,

    My advice to you is the same as I gave to the woman in the article. Give your husband a sign of what he can do that will help put you in the mood. His pressuring and criticizing obviously isn't doing it for you (no wonder). Instead of telling him what NOT to do, try telling him what he can do. Men are usually happy to do what it takes to get sex so if you tell him what he can do he might actually do it. And then you might enjoy sex as well. It's a win/win for both of you.

    Sex is an important part of a relationship. In fact, sex is the only thing we share with our spouses that we don't share with anyone else. It really is essential in a relationship – the same as talking, etc. If your body is going through changes and you just can't do it right now talk about things that you CAN do with each other that pleases both of you: oral sex, manual stimulation, etc. There are ways to be sexual without having sex that is pleasing to both of you. Talk openly and willingly about it.

  7. What can you do to make him leave you alone completely. No foreplay no sex just cuddling. I think that's what pier asking. Just the man getting over the mood of having sex every day.its ridiculous it just makes the woman look at the man as a begging dog.

  8. Hi anonymous, if you want to him to just leave you alone completely with no sex then divorce him. Sex is an important part of a marriage. Like I said in the post, it's the only thing you share with your spouse that you don't share with anyone else. It helps a couple create passion, spark and intimacy. If you want to be married but with no sex why not just find a good roommate?

  9. He is 68 and I'm 56. I love sex and always have. Problem, he wants it all the time. Sometimes I am fine with it, other times I just give in and try to get into it. He is very considerate in making sure I'm happy, it's just ALL THE TIME. My gosh, sometimes when he passes out I check if he is breathing. I think he has an OCD kind of problem with his manhood equating to sex. Help.

  10. Hi Mature Lady,

    Glad to hear your sex life is so passionate! You're actually right in that some men have an OCD kind of problem about sex. Tiger Woods is a good example of this. And that's why there's treatment centers out there that are focusing more specifically on sexual addictions. If he wants it all the time to the point that it's creating problems in your marriage encourage him to see a counselor. It might be that he equates his manhood to how much sex he is having but it could be something else. Only a counselor will be able to help him sort that out. Encourage him to see a counselor and one that specializes in sex therapy.



  11. Wow Aaron,

    I feel bad for you. These people don't seem to understand that sex=love. My husband and I are together for 5 years and going. We seem to have a good sex life. Sometimes…he would be too much. He seems to have a higher sex drive then I do. Many times he would have sex with me while I'm asleep or when I'm drunk. Do you think I should tell him to stop? I've tried and he said that I liked it but when I told him no, he seems sad and upset. What should I do? Scary part is, sometimes he doesn't even remember anything. 🙁

  12. Hi Aaron,
    Thank you for the informative blog post.
    In your post you state to let your partner know what he can do to get you in the mood. I know this may sound silly but I have no clue what I could tell him that would get me in the mood. I'm so full of frustration, hurt and sadness that I really don't know what will get me in the mood. We've done counseling and the therapist has even told him to back off and to let me go to him when Im ready but he's just ignored her advice. We've only been married 10 months and are already talking about divorce. Any help on this is appreciated.

  13. Hi anonymous, if even you don't know what it would take to get in the mood it may be time to go see a counselor for yourself. There are lots of reasons for this. Your sadness, hurt, etc may be keeping you from being able to accept romantic gestures. Either way, if it's to the point where you are confused about yourself you're the only one who can fix that. It's probably time to see a counselor for you.

  14. Maybe the husband is not very busy at work. If he is overworked then he might forget about having sex. If he has a lot if time on his hands, you can expect that he will be so preoccupied with sex

  15. I think for many women, the real issue isn't being addressed. I think it has a lot to do with being comfortable in our own skin. I hate my body (as do most women thanks to the media's idea of what is beautiful) and so I really hate sex. I'm self conscious about what I look like from head to toe. I know he's not focusing on that.. heck he is nearly blind without his glasses so its not like he can see any way! But I am not comfortable with myself. My guy is perfect about it all..he's reassuring, he tells me I'm beautiful every day, he NEVER pressures me… it is 100% on me. And yes, I have tried lingerie..and it helps only slightly until I start worrying about how I look in it. And we can turn the lights off but I will just focus on how fat I feel. Sex in general triggers a "danger danger!" Response in my brain for absolutely no reason.

    Sometimes I will get drunk just to shut my brain up and we have great sex! But that is only a solution for the symptom. So I have identified the problem but cannot find the answer. I see similar stories all over message boards on all corners of the internet but its a dilemma no one seems to have advice on.

  16. A man that demands sex on a constant basis has a sexual addiction, simple as that. The excuse that sex is an obligatory part of marriage is an outrage! Re-evaluate your advise Mr Anderson. If a woman is exhausted, sick, or anything then he should not persist the situation. Sexual addicts will manipulate and belittle you into doing what they want with little consideration for anyone or anything else. There are TWO people in a marriage and sex should be enjoyed by both parties not just the addict. I'm so upset at every single response in this post that I feel like running down the street while burning my bra!

    My advise is this, tell him that you do not want to have sex because you are tired, sick, or just plain not in the mood. If he persists, tell him to go masterbate. If he threatens you to leave or to cheat then let him leave and file for a divorce. Trust me, I know addicts and their actions never change. Either he considers you or you take control of your life and ask him to leave. Kids or no kids, you are a human being not a piece of meat that is obligated to please a man because a piece of paper or a book that was written thousands of years says so.

    But if you want to believe all the nonsense written in this post about what a marriage is supposed to be, then I suggest you don't wander too far off shore either because you may fall off the edge of the earth!

    • Well done well said, what’s happening nothing changed from the cave days!! Who are these men? give us a break we are like a partner, mother, banker,teacher, carer to these guys and work too give us some credit and a break. Thanks oceanlady totally agree.

    • Finally a person with real advice!! I can not believe the advice given from Aaron. It’s horrible and seems to be advice from a man. As you said, we are humans not pieces of meat!!!!!!

    • Why do you assume he is an addict and only cares about him cuming? I am “an addict” but not to my orgasms, to hers. Her “letting” me have sex and her not coming is just as frustrating to me as getting none at all. Why do you assume wanting sex every day is an “addiction” in the first place? It is just as normal to want sex 3 times a day for people like me as for people who want it 3x per week, or even 3x per month… all are “normal”. I can go a month without if needed and will never cheat, but I WANT to have sex 3 times a day. It is me wanting to that makes her feel bad, even though I try to never pressure. …and I don’t even want to for me, I can/do take care of that need, I want her to want me all the time, or it just feels abnormal to me and our relationship feels in distress. When people first start dating, both people (in my experiance) want sex 3-times a day. A few months later, I still do, they don’t, and I am made to feel bad and like an addict. I just don’t get it.

      • Keep in mind that most women are emotional creatures. We want and need emotional stimulation just as much as men want and need physical attention. There are many more types of intimacy than just sex that are very important. I don’t know you all so I don’t know what goes on but make sure you are still giving her what she needs too. 🙂 hand holding, caressing that does not lead to sex, looking into her eyes, reminding her that she is beautiful and special, romance. All of these things are a huge part of proving to a woman that you are emotionally invested and make her feel wanted rather than just like she is a sexual object (not saying that is what is going on with you, please don’t be offended) when women are fed this emotional attention I think it helps so much with the physical and sexual aspect of the relationship. But by no means should you think that doing these things mean that she owes you sex because that will turn her completely off from sex. Just do these things on a regular basis and time will tell if it will help the sex. And you may need to also accept that because we aren’t as physical as you guys that three times a day may always be too often. Good job with taking it into your own hands though (lol right?) Because you are saving her some stress and pressure when she is not in the mood. The more we are pressed the less appealing it becomes. Good luck with her and hope I didn’t offend you with anything I said!

    • Sex is absolutely an obligation for women in a healthy relationship if they expect the man to remain monogamous. I know personally I won’t go without sex just because my wife demands that I do so. I get not wanting to have sex because you don’t enjoy it, but then open up the relationship so you aren’t taking it away from your husband. That’s the thing I don’t get about all these women that don’t want anything to do with sex. It’s just selfish on their part.

  17. My husband wakes me up at 0430 wanting sex. When I work I work nights and when I come home I am tired and again he wants sex. I tried to tell him he always picks the wrong times to want sex. He tells me I don't make him a priority but I feel that he doesn't care if I sleep or not just as long as his penis is cared for. I always feel pressured. I ask him what his plans are for the day and he says well after you make me cum I will get things done. I immediately get upset. I had a uti for two weeks and he made me feel bad becuase a darn hand job isn't enough. I don't know about these other woman but I'm to a point I hate sex and I'm thinking of leaving him after five years. It is just to much anymore. I don't even want to flirt like I use to.

  18. My husband is a sex addict.. He wants it 4 times a day every day.. It is wearing me down.. I have now stopped having sex completely. Now I'm not having sex with him he wants me to pleasure him by masterbating him, 4 times a day, more if I would. If I say no he goes into a mood, and will keep me awake at night with his inability to sleep until I am so tired I give in just so he will sleep! I feel disgusting and dirty and don't want to go to bed with my husband anymore. I do love him as he is a kind man and a great father, but his constant need for sex has stopped me fancying him anymore. Wish I could leave him, I have tried but I keep going back because of the guilt trip he puts on me.

  19. 2-3 times a week at a minimum is considered healthy for both partners.

    My wife didn't like sex, not with me anyway. She had an affair with a woman (also married with kids) after 15 years of marriage and two kids and left. It was traumatic for the whole extended family. There are some married people who manage to discover they have a same sex attraction and manage it with integrity, but that was not my situation.

    If you think this might be the case for you then PLEASE don't act selfishly, work with your partner, the person who is committed to you, think of everyone involved. Nobody cared much about the gay aspect, just that she used it an excuse for her behavior and wrecked two homes in the process.

  20. Oceanlady I agree…. I came on this blog to seek advice and I'm appalled at some of the advice given. I feel that if I say I'm not in the mood tonight it should be just that with no further questions asked. Your advice is the best I've seen yet!!

  21. Sara,

    You talk about something that is a bigger problem than a lot of people realize. A lot of people aren't sexually available to their spouse because of their own discomforts (about their body image, their personal beliefs or embarrassment about sex). I'm glad to hear you found ways to feel good about yourself because that's EXACTLY what needs to happen with people with those problems. Thank you for your comment. I think it'll be helpful for many people reading this.

  22. OceanLady,

    I don't think we actually disagree. Whenever there is a sexual addiction the onus is on the addict to fix their problems in order to have a healthy and functional relationship. I didn't talk about sexual addiction in the article, though. This article was focused towards relationships without sexual addiction.

    That said, a sexual relationship is a healthy part of a romantic relationship. And for a romantic couple to have a full relationship with romance and passion, sex is necessary (how frequent or not is irrelevant). As you said, there are two people in the relationship. It's understandable that your angry at your partner but don't forget to consider your own contributions as well.

  23. I love him. I miss him everyday. But he not only wanted sex everyday but he couldn't finish. This was an issue that started early in our marriage. I thought maybe it was because we were both not so experienced. But as we got more comfortable at it and as the years went by, nothing changed. Well, except for his desire to have more. And then he added porn into the mix and it just made things worse. I talked to him about it and asked him to get help. But he said it was all in my head. If I said no, he wouldn't talk to me anymore until the next time he wanted it and this seemed to be the only time he was ever happy, was right after sex. Yet it didn't last long. I tried. I really tried to get into it and to encourage him to finish. I tried for so many years. But it finally got to the point where I started feeling cheap. Where I started feeling like I didn't matter. I finally had to get a divorce. And to this day, he blames me and hates me because he say's it is all my fault. Who knows.. maybe it's true.

  24. I sure wish I had some of these women's problems. I am a divorced mom of two kids that spend every night with me. I am seeing a divorced dad of two kids who has only two nights off from his kids. We are lucky if we are able to get together twice a month, since we can only get together during the week, have to wait for my kids to be asleep, and then get up at 5:30 the next morning. Sex with this man is an incredibly deep and satisfying experience, both physically and emotionally, and if I could have him every day I would be over the moon.

  25. I'll try to keep my question simple, because after reading all this I could say a lot. Your article says that his wanting sex is his wanting to connect with her. Question is: why can't HE find a different way to connect…why is it always SHE who has to find a way to want sex because he wants sex? And I don't mean only he should find another connection, he and she would be involved; my point is simply why does the connection always have to be sex instead of…anything else…from tennis to xbox? Your article comment annoyed me but obviously its because I relate. He wants sex 4 times a week. 4 times a month is more than enough for me. He knew sex was a low priority for me 19 yrs ago. In the beginning it didn't matter, whether because we were young, newly in love or some other reason, we did it enough to please us both. But after 19 yrs, 4 pregnancies, raising kids ("a mom's job…dad's job is to support the family financially"), pets, his varied work hours so for awhile its sex at 11pm before he goes to work then again when he gets home midmorning and the older ones are at school and the baby is asleep but his job changes so then its just an unsatisfying for me quickie whenever he wants because he has to get to sleep (he didnt recognize my need for sleep all the years I was up at night with babies! I'd come back to bed and he'd say "oh you're awake? Wanna do it?" And I'd have to because when I said no he'd be mad I was giving more attention to baby than to him.) Work layoff -he wants it anytime of day. Back to work and now he wants long foreplay sessions and stays up hours later than I want to because his hours changed. I feel like I'm in a pinball machine-4am…11pm…2am I get used to one schedule and then it changes. Since sex is Not a priority for me anytime I say no he accuses me of cheating, which I've never done. He doesn't like my parenting style, refuses to eat a healthy diet which has caused me health problems instead if him because we can't afford to buy both junk food and the healthy stuff, has no respect for what I clean or wash-evident by making messes everywhere and not cleaning up. So after I'm tired and frustrated and feel worthless-& been accused of cheating!-I'M the one with the problem because a wife shouldn't refuse sex to her husband? I'm Christian but I can't accept that!

  26. Anonymous,

    Great sex and a great relationship are woven tightly together. It's very seldom that couples have one without the other. That's why sex is important in a relationship. You've mentioned several examples of how your relationship is not good because of work schedules, health, insults, etc. No wonder your sex life is bad. You can't have a bad relationship and have a good sex life. Don't put too much weight on you, here. There are two contributors to any relationship.

  27. Man,if a woman is treated with respect and love she's feeling mistreating and degraded. my opinion is that all women should just become lesbian. because why get married why have kids why do you need a man,become a lesbian don't hide your true feelings.

  28. It's amazing how many idiotic clueless comments that have been posted trying to disagree with the article.

    Pissing in the wind and disagreeing with natural order is the same thing.

  29. I am in the same situation as most women here. My husband wants sex all the time. However, I let him know that my other needs are not being met so why should I meet your needs? This makes him either 1) Think about what I said or 2) Just forget of ever asking me in the first place. This may not work for all women but it works for me. One thing I want to share is men can and will manipulate to get what they want. This includes sex addicts too! But a woman should ALWAYS know her identity BEFORE entering into any marriage and not allow a man to GIVE her an identity by demeaning her; insulting her character or disrespecting her to the point she feels worthless. That is pure control! Lady's with low-self esteem please, please love YOU first, take care of you FIRST. A man should take notice and if he doesn't then you should know what you are married to. A Self Centered man! If a man cares for only of HIS needs. This should be communicated to him immediately. With love, of course. Yes, sex is to bond and to share something very special between a husband and wife. He may be HDP, this does not mean just to give him what he wants just because a woman suppose to. Masturbation is always available for him. There must be some form of communications with both parties if a woman feels indifferent to sex. There shouldn't be any resentment to have sex or making love; getting annoyed when he ask. I am a woman that has feelings and want to be noticed, loved, cuddled and listen to at all times. This should be reciprocated. My husband got the message that if he wants sex, he must understand to give in order to receive. I'm not the kind of woman that will let my husband do what ever he wants when he wants it. Balance is the key. Marriage is work. Sex is to reinforce the love shared outside of the bed. Men are to conscientiously making love to his woman in bed and out. "A Million Ways to Love a Woman" By Will Downing, a beautiful song that any woman can relate to. This song share how a man stimulates his woman mentally, emotionally and physically. Another thing, if a husband loves a woman for who she is (being a little over weight) or whatever the case may be. Accept his words "I love you no matter what" HE LOVES YOU AND ONLY YOU! Furthermore, A REAL MAN WOULD NOT IGNORE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR, PERIOD! A lot of a times, a woman thinks she married a man, when in actual reality she married an immature man, I call him; a boy. He just needs to grow up to be THAT man and husband in her life. Woman are emotional creatures, we like a lot of emotional bonding. First, a woman must take care of herself by taking time to do things she likes and enjoying it. A husband should understand and realize this and be supportive. If not then maybe things should be evaluated between the two of you. When there is a lot on your plate, like taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, and whatever else need to be done. A man should really understand this. It's not calculus? When your tired, he should respect that and keep the peace in the marriage. My husband does not come home demanding sex or make me have sex or have sex in my sleep. Personally, that's like rape to me. NO means, NO! If a man have respect for a woman prior marriage, then where did the respect go after saying "I DO?" It shouldn't ever be his way or her way but both ways, understanding each other in everything. He either respects who I am or we need to reconsider our marriage. Though, I believe my husband is a sex addict I tell him this. He may get angry and for what? That is something to really think about. Why should I be concern of someone that does not have that same considerations of my feelings? Crazy! I am a woman, A BEAUTIFUL AMAZING WOMAN that should be treated in that manner. Women MUST be strong and always know her identity of who she is. A woman should Never lose herself while trying to please her husband or anyone else. God in heaven NEVER intended it that way.


  30. My husband is always asking for sex or talking about it and its a big turn off if i say no e wont talk to me for days and then he expects me to jump into bed with him but i cant just turn my feelings on and off like a tap so he gets into a mood again and turns it round to be my fault and says am cold towards him now he says i have got to make a decision about our marriage he never says he loves me he is not romantic but its my fault

    • I have the same problem every other day isn’t good enough he threatened to leave so he can get every day he makes me feel awful blames me for the relationship being bad I have to do it how he wants to toys pork sex makes me feel cheap I told him I need every other day off because I’m going thru the change n he always puts it on me that it’s all bout me and I can’t take care of my man luckily I’m not married I do love him but his wanting everyday sex is too much and he doesn’t understand or even care. I think this is why I have panic attacks all the time now cus I have to do the every other night whether I wanna or not

    • How about you start the ball rolling and tell him you love him and see what his reaction is. Stop being one-sided like most of these pitiful women who commented, placing blame on the hubbs. If you want something then, YOU make the change. You’d be surprised how taking that first positive step will make your hubby feel.

  31. I think the problem with most women attacking Aaron here is they don't understand for men to feel trust and connected we need to feel desired and needed sexually. For women to want sex they usually need to feel comfort trust and connected to their partner beforehand
    beforehand. Either way…Sex is about love. That's how it is for me. So if a woman doesn'. Feel that way as men we feel it's because you don't feel connected to us which then makes us feel disconnected from you. Its an emotional need for me MUCH more than a physical one. I need it to feel loved and wanted.
    ….this is the case for every guy I have spoken to. I try to make.my girlfriend feel love trust and connected…if she doesn't want sex.it makes me feel like I'm.not doing.my.job as.her boyfriend by.fulfilling her emotional needs….maybe u girls who are bitching.should try see it from another.point.of view…


  32. So at the end of the day where is the balance so both parties can be happy? My husband and I have a great relationship but some days (not all the time) I'm just not in the mood! But when I tell him that he catches an attitude and gets all pissy. So i,find myself just going through the motions just to keep the piece. Do men understand wat it feels like to have sex when u really don't want to? Sounds like rape doesn't it? Now I'm in a position where I'm less and less aroused because at this point my feelings don't even matter. I don't think that's fair. The real question is how do we find that balance where he is happy and I'm happy too? And don't give me that crap about tell him how to get me in the mood because if it really were that simple this would not be an issue. You can be the master of foreplay but if I'm not in the mood then I'm not in the mood period.

  33. My husband and I have the same issue and it has been the same issue for 20+ years. He wants sex all the time and when he can't have it all the time, we fight and not just about sex…about everything. I feel like he would have sex with anyone laying in the same bed with him, it has nothing to do with me. It has NOTHING to do with connecting…PLEASE…He is horny at 4am and wakes me up! SO FREAKING DISRESPECTFUL!! Unless we did it the night before and then it might be 6am before he asks if I'm ready for round 2. He forgets that we may have had sex 2 or 3 nights ago and will claim we haven't had sex for a week…which is insulting but more importantly…its like someone telling me I haven't shown up for work, never mind the implication that sex is my job, but I have shown up. I do enjoy sex and I climax 99% of the time, I'm engaged, I'm very comfortable with my body and I think I'm pretty good:) But sex is not my job, its not a debt i have to pay, I'm not obligated because I'm married…I do it because I want to. Now if he wanted to spontaneously ask for sex, I'd probably concede the majority of the time. But he asks everyday, several times, like a child who wants to eat candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. And its not just a request its a NAGGING WHINE. When I lay in bed with him, there is no adult conversation, there is only groping and dry humping until Im annoyed and then the silent treatment…Which by then I'm fine with . That's not it, then he will almost sleep in pain and complain like he is in agony all night long…I need my sleep so that just makes me angry and his chances for the day have just been greatly reduced. It would be nice if he would BACK OFF and wait for me to want it…OMG what a concept!!! Its almost like a greedy, rich man who just wants more money every day, never caring how he gets it, never appreciative of how much he already has!!! Because IMO my husband is a rich man, in that he has me…so stop being so damn greedy!! 🙂 That felt good…:) I have no great advice but the grass is never greener and I'm not sure a sexually-appreciative man exists. But if you are considering lesbianism I say kudos…unfortunately when I have sex I want it to be with a man…otherwise, I consider lesbians genius. You could decide to divorce and throw everything out the window because of a personality flaw…there are a ton of disadvantages to that scenario BUT the benefit would be that whenever you wanted sex you could find a man to give it to you and never have to deal with the begging:) Good Luck Ladies!

  34. Well I felt my husband was an addict…I told him he will have sex with me Everest except when my friend comes to visit….he laughed…I felt like sex became a job…he worked early hours and made me feel like I needed to have sex before he goes to sleep…it can be in the middle of guest ova…that was crazy…but then I was diagnosed with H pylori…which lowered my labido…and then I'm working 2 jobs…I was tired and wanted down time…but he didn't consider that…he always wanted sex even before I can b arroused…so sometimes sex was painful…I tlked to him ova and ova about our sex life….on top of that we argued a lot…he had no respect…so how did he exspect me to feel sexual …I felt I was the only one who cared about our marriage…so for the last time he asked me for sex…I said we have to fix our marriage he rant and rage …said he was going to cheat…he left 3 days later and hasn't return…its been almost 2wks…he was and still selfish…of all the Times I could have and should have walked out on his ass…and yes stop tryanna make a woman feel sex is the only connection…if so then any relationship is doomed from the door…men have to take responsibilities of how they care for the relationship just as much as the woman…we can't bear the weight all on us bcuz they belive they deserve sex bcuz their our husbands…connect…Men I decree please learn go to sessions read books study a woman's personality…dnt b selfish and think she come with instructions…learn about a woman…find out what makes her happy and that does not mean b a yes man…but b a genuine man she will b glad to 1day call her husband…to all the woman that going through this…keep the faith take care of urself…move slowly and study…so u can begin to knw the signs in the next
    guy u dnt want to have a relationship with…Peace and Blessings

  35. The only thing that I have to say after reading all these post ladies is to quit your Nagging and Moaning and Continue to Please your mate! Because if he doesn't get it from you, trust me, he will get it from somewhere else! That is why relationships do not last, people are too busy complaining about the small things, instead of appreciating the good things! You should feel good that your husband or mate still wants to have sex with you, and on a regular basis! This means that he is still attracted to you and desires you, sex is just his way of showing it! What if he didn't come on to you when he got horney? What if he stopped paying you attention all together sexually? You ladies would still be on here complaining, Only this time, you would be nagging and moaning about how he doesn't want to have sex! I say to all you ladies on here, get a life, stop complaining, and stop being so emotional. Appreciate the fact that your mate still wants you and Take care of your man! Cause if you don't, the next woman will!

  36. Hey Paris,

    Be careful here. Telling a woman (or anyone for that matter) to do it anyway even if they don't really want to is only going to cause more problems and more resentment. The key is to identify why you don't want to do it, and ask yourself if you're being your true sexual self that you want to be. Lots of wives blame their lack of sexual desire on their partner. They key is to take ownership of your own sexual wants and make direct requests as a result.

  37. Anonymous who has been married 20+ years and believes her husband is an addict:

    I often find that one common reason men want really frequent sex is because the sex they're getting isn't great so they substitute quality for quantity. This sounds like your scenario. I don't know what started it but it doesn't really matter because either one will stop it. You can continue to increase the quantity or try to increase the quality. Just a thought.

  38. Hi, I am 22 and my fiancé is 25. Next year we are going to get married but I am already feeling pressured about this stuff. Yet we only do oral sex, but whenever we are alone at home or in the car his mind is just about this stuff. Whenever we do Oral sex, it is nearly always about me trying to pleasure him. It's really getting boring and I don't know what should I do. I don't like to feel pressured. What shall I do. I am not one who never wants to do stuff and talk about it but I only want this stuff like 2 times a week, but his mind is just there whenever we are alone, and whenever I try to tell him that I don't like the fact that all that matters for him is this staff when we are alone his answer will be " Me? I feel hurt when you tell me this stuff, how can you tell me these things if we never did sex. What do you say about others, nearly everyone have sex before marriage.. I help you a lot in your studies and staff and you know that my mind is not just in these things".
    It's true he helps me a lot in my life and I do as well when I can, but I feel annoyed and very pressured when I know that we are going to be alone (we will be alone almost every day in the evenings). maybe I have a problem, I don't know what should I do. Should I get married?

  39. What a load of bullshit! You have plenty of advice but it is not based on experience (I can tell) that is what is needed here, I have plenty of experience of this subject (14 years) and have read countless things tried thing', it ddoesn't work!!! I really wish people would stop pretending to know it all!!!

  40. Ocean Lady, I think you're getting it all wrong. Some important issues about marriage are not to be taken for granted or ignored. I think what you need to understand about Mr Anderson's advice is how to get the LDP Partner to at least connect with the HDP partner, no matter what. There has to be a balance cos someone is high and the other is low. It was clearly stated that there other ways one can feel sexually satisfied without the real penetration thing. The truth is, is you keep turning him down with those" Not in the mood excuse" he gets angry, but if you at least try other ways, othr passionate ways, it gets better and somehow you're very much free a little from the pressure. This is a bond, you can't do this with someone else unless your partner. That alone should tell you how important and necessary it is. That alone should also make you have other ways of making it happen whenever it's tuned. That alone make you wanna even connect more to that and that's the ONLY thing God designed for marriage as a food for the soul. I hope this makes sense.

  41. Sex is what? 5- 10 minutes of your time 3 minutes if your good at it.
    3-4 Times a week. c'mon just get it out the way, move it along. The only alternative is to split.

  42. I can't belive all the ungreatful woman here complaining because they are being wanted by there partners you should be ashamed. I myself found this article because my partner does not crave sex as much as I do. A lot of the problems and stress and arguing is because I do not feel satisfied and connected with her. I tried to find a solution by showing her this article and she just refused to read it, by not wanting to read this or fix our relationship is basically telling me to f*** off and showing that she doesn't care . I love her and our two baby girl toddlers I don't know what to do I would give my life for them? We have been together for about 8 years and have started having problems the last two to three years I am 31 and she is 27. Sex was awesome best ever in the beginning but now it seems as if she became boring and old, I myself am full of energy and enjoying being happy of course curently lacking sex from a female.

  43. I'm the HDP partner in a marriage that's nearing on 5.5 years. I've tried anything and everything to help the situation. And my day to day life is still a struggle.

    To the ladies who say "just leave me alone and let me come to you" — I've done this. It doesn't work. When I leave my wife alone, it takes her ~30 days before she stops and thinks "why do I feel disconnected from my husband?" If I regularly point out my interest, my excitement, and/or my needs then it's 2 to 3 times a month. However, my "bantering" is "annoying as fuck" and makes her feel less interested in being close. But, statistically it's the better plan. And I hate it. I hate understanding the cause and effect.

    Before I accepted that my wife was a LDP (by a strong margin), I would get home from work anxious as to whether tonight was going to be my lucky night. It took years to build up the rule book of excuses of why tonight was not a good night. I would ask questions that more or less would rule out subsets of excuses like "did you have a long day?" or "have you had a chance to shower today?" But she got creative on the days when I thought all of the common excuses were covered.

    And so she was always showering me with excuses that have relatively easy and simple fixes. I could never understand why she wouldn't fix these things so that she and I could share a closer relationship. Later I realized; she just doesn't want to be close to me. It was simply her reaction to having learned if she says 'no' outright that there are unintentional side-effects to the rejection.

    Later, we took a couples communication class. We learned to try saying 'when' instead of saying 'no'. But that was disastrous for us. I would believe that she was actually interested in trying that night, or the next day or whatever. And I would watch, as if by the side-lines, how the common excuses would introduce themselves. A lack of a shower, or watching one episode turn into six. I would ask, "hey are you still interested in tonight?" when I get home from work. Her response was always "yes". It seemed like she would do anything and everything to avoid ever being close. And it drove me insane. It hurt my self esteem and I felt more rejected than ever. My mind was at ease during the "waiting period." (the first and the second and the third… etc). I didn't think about being close, I didn't feel rejected. But, when those rain checks expired (or were renewed) I felt worse and worse and worse and worse. It was like I was deferring the rejection only to cash it in at a later time with an additional interest charge + late fees.

    Now, we're at a point where we communicate much better. She knows where I come from. I know where she comes from. We both agree that for us to have a rewarding relationship that she has to work (unfortunately!) on trying to be available physically. And I know I have to work (unfortunately!) trying to avoid being pushy, and whiny, and avoid showing when I feel rejected. But it doesn't fix the problem; she can't hold up her end of the bargain. And now I'm required to shoulder that rejection and disappointment on my own.

    I'm torn… even a divorce to reset things will just tear me apart. I could never support two families all by myself… and so I feel like if there is any out it's with my motorcycle over a cliff edge. And even then, to fix the physically disconnected problem I'd be creating two other problems — 1) my life insurance has a capped pay-out and 2) neither my wife nor children give a damn about the problem I'd fixed and instead they lose me.

    I just feel trapped, used, and I hate myself. I hate being married to someone who can't give me the only thing I can't give myself. Masturbation only reminds me to what extent she avoids being close to me – and let me tell you; it is so depressing.

  44. To a person who wrote
    Sex is what? 5- 10 minutes of your time 3 minutes if your good at it.
    3-4 Times a week. c'mon just get it out the way, move it along. The only alternative is to split.

    LOL seriously? You cant even get your pants off in that time. Sex in my house is at least 30+ minutes.
    And he makes sure I always finish. If im not in the mood I sometimes just suck it up and still do it.
    He has always wanted more than me even when dating and doing it every day every other day he would watch porn and do himself on an off day. Now after 2 kids and 7 years together he still wants that. I dont Im just not that interested. BUT when we took a week off and went to a tropical vacation for a week just 2 of us it was fun to do it every day since you have no responsibilities. Im just tired and sleep is more important usually. He tries not to pressure me and makes it out NO SEX FOR A MONTH when it has been a week that is soooo annoying. He has accused me of cheating also – and I dont. He just does not get it I dont really care. And all he has to do is to get me horny and be nice about it… if you piss me off the im mad Im not a light switch and can enjoy someone when the have been an ass few hours before… So I shoot for at least once a week and rest of the time he can have fun with himself. If he does not like it or thinks he deserves mere/better/bigger things then he is welcome to divorce me I do love him but I am not anyone's slave. And yes its true headache hurts, and period cramps hurt and there is a PMS for a week so unless you are nice and considerate you are not getting any. Sorry but that's life. Its unreasonable to expect this amazing spontaneous sex every day when you have houses cars jobs and kids.

  45. Is anyone being honest here.. When we (me. Or women) want to have sex with you, you should be happy, if you have no interest, don't ,like sex, the marriage makes little sense long term. Why would we as a modern society not match those HdP and LDP with a matching. Partner, and …why would we not teach our kids what to expect, loom for and ask questions about this?

  46. Coming from a man perspective: ladies, having sex on the regular makes a man happy as we all know; that is how we feel loved. It is equivalent as a man telling his woman that he love her to make her feel loved. Sex whenever the partner wants it is will make a relationship go a long way. If you are not able to have sex due to medical issues or whatever, find other means to please your partner. He/she will feel loved and he will be happy enough to truly express his love for you. Because I really love my wife but I never tell her how I feel because I feel sexually deprived. Once I get sex I can then express my feelings and not be depressed and just revert to playing video games to avoid thinking about sex. Btw we have sex on the weekend and if I'm lucky on a weekday, but sometimes that is not enough. I just don't get it!!! Women can sit there and get on Facebook or watch other people lives on tv ( reality shows) all day everyday but be ready to get a divorce when it come to pleasing their man for less than 30 minutes. You man think we are being mean or addicts but it really does hurt our feelings when she don't want too have sex.

  47. Hi I read this and thougt it would help me out. I have a boyfriend and I have been with him for 5 years he always wants sex and he is always talking about it and he wants me to be more sexual and be more adventurous but I am not like that at all and its annoying because i keep trying to tell him that but he just gets angry and says whats the point in being in this relationship and that hurts and upsets me because I love him. I am sexual some times but not all the time like he wants me to and I dont know what to do. Any advice?

  48. Hi anonymous, your sexual preferences are your prerogative to have. If he's pushing you to be more adventurous trying things you're not comfortable with that's not healthy in the relationship at all. one thing that is often helpful for couples (as I've said several times on here) is that instead of just saying no and leaving it, talk it out. explain to him why it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him to understand your wishes and come up with other things that you're both comfortable with.

  49. I feel awful for all your husbands…wow no wonder men cheat. It seems you women equate sex to sex and not to a connection. Or being ridiculously selfish and not even wanting your partner to feel good with a bj or hj I think you need to give your heads a shake

  50. Gay Relationship;
    My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs. when we first started dating we were happy and not stressed out we had no issues with sex. The last couple yrs have been alittle stressful for the both of us. Due to some unforseen issues. Can stess and anxity be a cause of low sexual drive?
    My parter spends just about ever sec of his day thinking or ingaging in sexual pleasure. May it be browsing Applications like Grindr or hiting up the spa just so he can JO looking at xxx pics on Twitter.. I feel as tho my bf is more about sex then actually connecting on all the other different levels of a relationship. I love hooking up with him but sometimes I feel as though he puts a lot of pressure on sex so it tend to make it more like a job. He has OCD and likes to have it his way. If I try to talk to him about any of it he always gets upset and finds some way to spin it and make it my fault. He always accuses me of Naggin and whining but a lot of the time its him who is doing it. He gets offened if I even question him on anything. sometimes he spends more time on his phone than actually being in the moment. I want to connect with him so we may have a better sexual relationship. I have tried meditation but he gets bored, He gives me massages to help me relax and that helps us to connect. But even that sometimes causes an issue because he doesn't think he should have to do that all the time. If anyone can help please coment me . thanks!

  51. The advice on here actually made me feel sick. If a child asks their uncle to stop having sex with them should the uncle stop and leave them alone or should they persuade the child to tell him of what things provoke sexual desire in the body? It is perfectly possible to be turned on sexually but to really really not want to have sex – I'm sure we can all relate to the time we have felt turned on completely inappropriately and just been very grateful that no-one else around us is aware that we are turned on. Why therefore is it the woman's responsibility to tell the man how to turn her on when SHE JUST DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX??? Sex is a privilege, not a God given right. Lots of people cannot have sex for various reasons. We expect paedophiles to control their desires for the entirety of their lives, we expect people who are attracted to animals to control their urges. What is so different about a man with a high sex drive?? I would not say sex is the only thing characterising a romantic relationship – a desire to live together, a commitment to work on relationship difficulties, a close and loving bond, a knowledge of how someone lives, these also characterise these relationships. The expectation that a woman meets her husbands needs sexually characterised marriages before feminism, before we even believed in equality of men and women and in the period of time where rape within marriage was not recognised in law. I feel that none of the responses (except I didn't read all of them because they were making me feel ill) actually deal with a very important and it would seem wide-reaching problem: what to do when your partner wants sex and you don't, they claim it's affecting their ability to function and put pressure on you to have sex but your mental health is being seriously affected by the pressure you are being put under. Catch 22.

  52. Nate's comment should break the heart of any woman that isn't made of stone.

    Most marriages begin with the intent of caring for the other person, as they are, not as we wish they would be for us.

    What happens to that when it becomes obvious men's need for sex is emotional? Would women whose excuses abound for not having sex be as understanding about husbands who begged off going to work because they just didn't feel like that day? No, because they expect caring for them by earning a living is expected regardless of how they feel that particular day about that loving duty. Why is sex any less a loving duty? It's part of caring for the other that was supposedly what the marriage is about.

    Oceanlady is all about oceanlady, not caring about and for the other. Justifying self-focus is neither attractive nor particularly loving of the other, which is what the marriage was supposed to be about.

    The majority of women commenting here seem to care little about feeling close to their husbands. Aaron's advice seems to validate such self-focus. Men that are jerks should be divorced, not complained about or boycotted. I seriously doubt most men are that dysfunctional until the women they are with begin to think withholding is the only way to care for themselves.

    Asking the HDP for self-sacrifice may meet the short-term needs of the LDP but as a long-term strategy, it is incredibly self-defeating as well as unloving.

    Those who think otherwise need to re-read Nate's comment and ask themselves: would you be proud to be the LDP in his situation? If you would, why are you even married? You aren't really interested in caring for the other but you think your needs should be served and come before his. If you think that's what marriage is, it's no wonder the divorce rate is what it is. The issue isn't slavery, it's the inability to put one's self in the other's position. The Golden Rule is a positive duty, not an "if I get mine, I'll think of the other." Do as you would like to be done to. That applies also to the HDP but if that one sees it's never understood as reciprocal, it dies a quick death. Reciprocal support and care keeps love and intimacy alive. Lack of it kills them.

    The way you behave every day reveals the choices you are making. Choose wisely.

  53. This is merely how I see things. Ladies, you say your man wants sex all the time? Not tonight honey, I have a headache, or I'm tired gets old… especially when it goes on for days, weeks, & months. Let's put the shore on the other foot shall we? Ladies, think of the one thing your husband does for you often that you just love. Now, instead of him meeting your needs constantly, What if he only did that for you maybe once every month our two? After awhile that $@#! Gets old, doesn't it? Frustrating isn't it? The one person who can make you feel so special practically quits whatever act that you lived so much; that drew you closer together. You want that back, and with frequency. It's the same thing. My analogies aren't always spot on, but I think you get drift.

  54. Before marriage, my wife spoiled me with sex three or four times a week. After marriage, less and less. Over the years…now we have sex usually once every two or three months. She has absolutely no libido, while mine is in overdrive. I love my wife without question. Nonetheless, after 26 years, I find myself constantly imagining sex with other women.

    • That’s what I feel will happen to my marriage. That I will cheat with another man because I want to be satisfied. I know what to do to make him happy. Come on my husband is 62 so he shouldn’t have to be talked or guided by my hand for him to know how to please me. I think he just isn’t turned on enough by my body and that it’s mostly about him getting off and that somehow should just make me so happy that I can do that for him.

  55. Wow….sex is for both people not just the one. And the only thing that results from making sex into a duty is having someone who is lying to you. Most of you men Dont care as long as you get yours but women do. And this results in women having secret affairs cause the other man will work harder to make sure its enjoyable.

  56. Hi.. I don't think women need to be connected to want to have sex.. they are just sick of the person/husband. Example.. a woman in our group of friends kept having sex with this guy we knew even though he would keep blowing her off and not talking to her any other time.she even said it was the best sex she has had with multiple orgasms. It was obvious she was being used but it was also obvious she loved it. ..so with just sex its not a connection for women either…its a sick of that person feeling..Boredom

  57. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We are both responsible for the state of our marriage. In the beginning we had frequent enjoyable sex. I didn't always want to have sex, but I wasn't opposed either, so I continued to meet his needs. It started to get really old when I found myself having sex by simply smiling at him. Anything was a come on to him. Eventually I began to decline, but it didn't matter what my excuse, he would argue manipulate, and pester until he had his way. I have had sex when I was running a 103 fever because "Oh, you are so hot…you feel so good." I simply was too exhausted to continue the argument. When I had stomach flu he was considerate enough to turn me around and do me doggy style so that he wasn't putting pressure on my stomach. What a guy. In the beginning I believed he would eventually grow up and appreciate all I did for him. We have 3 children and we both work. During my pregnancies he never lifted a finger to help me, I still did all the housework, mowed the lawn cooked, shopped for groceries. He didn't even fix things around the house. But, he certainly thought my pregnancy was all about him. My big boobs, and the other changes in my body excited him. But, if I would say I have a craving can you get me ice cream. He would say, I'm not falling for that craving bull crap. I am guilty of not standing up to him, of enabling him. We are not having sex very often anymore He has admitted how selfish and stupid he was. I try to see him in a different light, I try to relax when he touches me, but I cannot. He touches me and I cringe and wish I was anywhere but there. I sometimes will give him sympathy sex because I feel sorry for him, I know he is feeling rejected and unloved. But, when I do I feel like crap, but I know I did it to myself. It is a catch 22. Not having sex isn't the answer, but I can't continue to let myself be used. Some of the answers on here do not sit well for me. If I tell him, I will have sex with you if you do X Y & Z means I will have sex for a price, what am I a prostitute? We have been down that road, and it ends with he will pick up his dirty socks give me a leering look and throw me on the bed. He thinks he gets to decide when my price has been met. I am not interested in foreplay to get me in the mood. I can tolerate a quickie but if he tries to make love with me, it is unbearable. Did I mention that after about 7 or 8 years of marriage I decided to visit my parents. He was worried because he would have to go 3 or 4 days without sex. He was so distraught while looking at porn he thought it would be a good idea to post some of his own…OF ME!!!! I of course was livid, he thought I should be proud. I cut him off of taking pictures of me, he was so mad he put up spy cameras and had a huge library before I found out what he was up too. Needless to say there is no trust in our marriage. It sounds hopeless right? Why do I stay? I don't know.

  58. Man, I just stumbled onto this blog because of the headline. I am that HDP husband for which so many (anonymous) women have such great contempt. My wife probably feels the same bitterness all of you feel. This is so clear … I need to dump her and never again trap myself in a marriage! Thanks for the clarity!

  59. I had sex wid my boyfriend for about 4 times that too months back and now we don't share such relation.if my husband can make out about my previous sexual activity

  60. my god people this is all so sad and i could fill 2 pages for the folk on here in anyway mentioning religion or jesus. i doubt any of you will be boning him so ill move on. this is a problem every creature in nature encounters males physically need to release 10 fold what a womans body needs to. emotionally men feel their closness through sex if you love him bend a bit read an erotic story or something to stimulate the sexual part of your brain or something to help the mood before he asks. if you cant stand your husband and cant make yourself desire him seperate get some cats whatever it will be better for both parties that way. with this said men we are all dirty minded horny bastards to some degree call it addiction or what you will. watch some awful porn and jerk it when she looks exhausted sometimes. you could do a sink of dishes a load of laundry the kids homework or baths to take her load off then theres more time for her to want to have sex. if you have extra time sex is great but you could enjoy a funny movie together play a game of phase 10 also. whatever activity you commonly enjoy before you start pulling out your schlong. remind her why she loves you because noone loves anyone just because they bang them. but furthermore doing a non xxx thing together like playing a card game and bullshitting together will also remind you of how much you love your wife/girl how cool of a person she is to you or you are to her if you arent even friends whats the point go buy a fleshlight and spray a little perfume around lol. not that im making light of problems im not ive been there ive been married for 12 years have 3 kids work hard thankfully no christian hangups though. the bottom line is its a meet me half way situation everything in a marriage should be. be her friend and do less bitching about sex squeeze an extra nut out on your own to calm the testosterone down a bit. ladies learn how to get the juices flowing a bit on your own so you dont feel its a chore u just want a bit of dick that day anyway. i hear the 50 shades book series makes 90% of women moist. i hope this helped someone because too many of you sound a bit self centered both genders included. noone should owe anyone it should be a desire for lucifers sake! ps: you gentleman talking about 5 or 10 minutes maybe if you learn to make your girls legs shake every time (this takes a few extra minutes) she will ask you for sex sometime. good luck to you all

  61. My husband and I had so much trouble on the sex front. He said I need it every 2-3 days or i get angry or If you dont come to me some times wanting it i dont feel loved. For him sex is love. I would say I love you. But themore you nag, threaten leave threaten violence the less I love you and longer it takes for me to want you. I worked out I want sex1-2 times a week which lessened the more threats and nagging. Reason being If I wast up for it we'd have a quicky and it would a couple of days to recover down there and if we did it again too soon before i was ready would take another few days to recover so I never got the chance to really want it cause i always got a shitty quicky. Everything was my fault. It came down to i didnt love him. He got angry and that was my fault. Now we are living apart and having
    the sex of our lives because he dosent pressure me, we only see each other 3 times a week and he really pleases me and puts in the effort I deserve and he says …why wasnt it this good before to which i respond he killed my sex drive with threats, blackmail, and overuse. I said I am a very sexual being if you allow it time and nurture it. We will never live together again because I cant risk things going back to the way they were. There was no respect for my needs but living apart the respect and love is their but due to damage caused over the three year marriag it is over. The kids 3 and 1 will miss out on living with their dad for the sake of prob one night a week extra sex he wanted. Shame…

  62. Before you dump her just think about other ways she shiws love for you. Does she tell you she loves you, do your washing, cook for you, clean your skid marks off the toilet? When was the last time you really appreciated her? When was the last tume you did all this for her then got her off for half an hour before making love. Try it champ see what result tou get.

  63. I have two toddlers who can wake me up to 6 times a night then get up at 530 and go to sleep at 7pm . I dont feel like sex much either. I know I'll be back at it when I get back to adult life again but norhing about sleepless nights, nappy changing, picking up toys getting coutless meals a nd drinks and doing mountains of washing gets me in the mood.

  64. OMG What people put up with! This is a real eye opener. Its up to you hun but please just answer me this do you want your boys to grow up and be like him or for your girls to look for a similar man for their partner? If your daughter was in this relationship what would you say to her? Now take your own advice.

  65. Wow, reading this I'll never get married – women moaning because their husband wants sex 2-3 times a week !

    Those terrible men, don't they understand that marriage is for celibates…

    These guys are stuck in marriages where their partner begrudgingly let's them have sex on rare occasions – I can't think of anything worse 🙂

  66. Two weeks after my ceaser my husband tried to have sex with me even though our doctor told him he should wait 6 weeks then he tried again at three weeks even tho this was very painful I said nothing. Some men are just selfish and don't care about their partners wellbeing. He also blamed his anger on lack of sex and raised his hand to hit me but obviously thought better of it cause I was pregnant. This kind of behaviour is what breaks up marriages. Women arent slot machines we have feelings guys. Marriages arent easy but if you only have sex twice a week when you are dating dont expect more when your married or even as much when you have little kids. No one has the right to blackmail and emotionally abuse another person just walk away its kinder in the end.

  67. I bet if men more commonly had erection problems they would be more understanding. Its because of our anatomy they assume we're ready all the time.

  68. crap, this is such a wide spread problem!! It's soo depressing, I am the HDP male in the relationship. I just want to connect with my life partner. I always thought if it was real and true it would not be a chore at all. I certainly don't want to be "stuck in a marriage where the partner begrudgingly let's them have sex on rare occasions". What a draining experience… confused and frustrated much!

  69. I think you are presenting things from a patriarchal male viewing point. Not really balanced and practically all these comments here are from women who feel pressured into sex, not men. There is a huge difference in a loving, thoughtful man being constantly rejected and a selfish jock expecting a women to be there servicing his needs on demand, no matter how tired she is. A selfish man is not loving or thinking of the relationship or his woman. Really if a man cant let a tired woman sleep, or contribute more so she isnt exhausted, why should a woman be too worried about his needs.
    Please try address this problem from a less elfish male perspective.

  70. Well said! I have been shocked at the chauvinistic answers here pretty much telling women they MUST do this or that to 'keep' or to please a selfish man!!!

  71. Oceanlady is right. I guarantee that if men did more work in the relationship, you would suddenly see a huge shift. These men have quite idle hands, thats why their partners are exhausted. Now how much fun to see all these men worn out and their wives refreshed enough to feel frisky!!
    Ladies,. If your partner has this much energy, and you are exhausted, sit back and be sure he gets to use all that energy up doing the things that exhaust you!
    Im sick of women expected to work fulltime, care for the kids, family, house, cats dogs, endless to do lists, little sleep and then be a porn queen! These are not little boys, they are men, men who took vows to be with their woman. Sometimes there will be sickness, poverty, less sex, but you've had the honeymoon period, sometimes you have to soldier on. You cant expect sex on tap every day of married life. Use that energy to help your partner and enrich your lives in other ways, many, many ways to use energy showing love. And usually women will come around if they arent sick, exhausted, pestered and if they feel loved.

  72. My husband is taking prescribed testosterone and over the counter testosterone and pre-work out drinks. He is 61 years old and wants sex all the time. He talks about sex all the time always touching and groping. He has lost weight and gets angry and stand offish. I feel this is not normal. This weekend after two nights of 2-3 hours of groping and sex each night the last night he said thanks for doing your wifely duties. Wow. I just threw away one of his over the counter male testosterone creams. Any other suggestions. I have emailed his doctor and told him of his anger and that friend have commented on his moods. I feel like a sex slave to his moods. I am starting to break out and think his testosterone creams are rubbing off on me. My 14.5 year old daughter has not started her period and it may be rubbing off on her towels too. I am a successful business woman. I don't need to be married to any man who will not stop this nonsense. Any other suggestions?

  73. Let me start by saying that I am a man, I have been with my wife for two years. As a man I do want sex…a lot. I try not to put pressure on my wife about sex and for the most part I wait for her to initiate. It is hard at times because I do love her and I do think she is beautiful and sexy. We have talked about sex on numerous occasions. I feel bad because she wants to want sex with me. I know she loves me and I know she still thinks that I'm hot. I get all of the flirting and comments from her just not the sex. I am keeping my disappointment and my frustration to my self because we have talked and I know it makes her feel worse about it and I don't want that. I know that its not her fault and there isn't anything she or I can do about it. I have tried everything and nothing seems to work for me. When I get home from work I deal with the household chores (or at very least we do them together) and I help with the kids and supper just to take some of the day to day stress off of her. It still hasn't helped. I've gotten to the point where I don't mention sex anymore just because I don't want to fight, I don't want her to feel bad, and I don't want to feel rejected. It seems to have helped with our relationship just not with our sex life. I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and by sex I mean healthy sex where both people want sex and it doesn't feel like a chore. She has told me that even if she doesn't want sex she would still do it with me. I told her that I don't want that, that I don't want our sex life to turn into a duty or a chore. I want it to be great and not feel like we are just going through the motions. The pleasure for me comes from the connection and intimacy and knowing that she is satisfied. Its hard for me because I want that connection so bad and I just can't have it.

    So my question is: is awesome sex life that I had with my wife just gone? It seems like there is nothing I can do to make her want sex. And I don't want her to force herself to have sex. Is the spark and the passion gone? Should I just reside to the fact that I won't be having much sex?

    I should mention that we are both in our late 20s and healthy. And that in our relationship there are really no other problems. No infidelity or anything like that. We are open and talk about our issues with eachother

  74. Lady , where you dropped on your head as a baby? Grow up in the 40's or 50's? No offense. But seriously, if he is forcing himself on you when you are asleep passed out drunk, he is RAPING you!!!! Get a clue!

  75. Aaron, are you a REAL counselor, or just some quack? I do believe that when anonymous said she wanted her man to leave her alone completely and just cuddle, she meant that as, how can she get her man to just be intimate in a NON sexual way for a period of time? As a counselor, you SHOULD be aware that being intimate, NON sexually is VERY important, not only to a woman so she feels valued as a person and not just as a sex object, but for the relationship as a WHOLE! Man and woman! If us women could get a little bit of that, we just might be more interested in that ONE AND ONLY thing men care about most

  76. Omg my man-child boyfriend is pretty much the exact same way as your man! Except for the fact he expects sex to happen about every two to three hours, EVERY DAY!!!

  77. Anyone ever thought of the husbandly duties of being a protector and a provider of happiness? What about the common marriage; wife stays at home, husband works full time. He's off making the money to create a home atmosphere to allow the woman to show him love through the household duties. This is coming from an emotional man who only wants sex if happy emotionally, and I'm an hdp.

  78. I am the LSD in our marriage. I do agree that in the beginning, sex was great then reality sets in since marriage is not a bed of roses and requires constant work. Connection is lost and whether we admit it or not, the refusal to have sex is triggered by some resentment (unmet expectations.) We women see sex more as an emotional connection and when that connection is lost, sex is a challenge. Men are genetically programmed to want to have sex all the time. That explains the need. I think it is natural to require it from his spouse after all he is married to her. Sorry ladies, got to accept that and I do believe in the author's advise that we need to look deep into ourselves and our relationship. What helps me is seeing the good in my husband. Sometimes, it is easy to search what is lacking in our marriage rather than appreciating the good things that we do have. Afterall, no one is perfect and nor relationship is. It is not going to be easy. I am still struggling.

  79. The solution you provide here does nothing to serve the 'low desire partner.' Basically you're telling the LDP how to serve their insatiably horny significant other by coaching the horny one on how to 'get them, the low desire partner, in the mood.' The fact of the matter is, the less horny one simply doesn't want it all the time! And that's fine. The HDP needs to learn how to deal with their insatiable sexual appetite out of respect for what their low desire partner wants. You're making it all about the horny one in this write-up. HDP's need to accept the fact that they have high sex drives, and they need to find other outlets and not harass their partners constantly. Porn, 'self-love,' etc. there are many outlets for very horny people. Telling the LDP to 'figure out a way to enjoy more sex' by 'coaching their high desire partner and giving them road signs' is absolutely ridiculous. High desire people need to get real and take some responsibility for their sexualities and not dump the entire burden onto their partners.

  80. were all humans. if you dont like tell him or tell her. if she/he offened it means guilty.. same story but not same feelings.if ur partner sex with others hahaha thats your fault! peaople are people

  81. I have been married less than 1 year. It is a second marriage for both of us. My husband's first wife denied him sex. I said when we got married that I would never do that but I feel he takes advantage of it. I have not denied him at all but we have had sex many times when I have been sick or just not feeling up to it. However, many times when I wanted sex he conveniently fell asleep. He cheated on me twice before marriage and I am concerned about it.

  82. Just wanted to say this: my husband and I have been married for 2 years. He is 56 and I am 51. Shortly after we were married I became ill(several female surgeries, fibromyalgia, lupus). He has been quite adamant about me not "wanting" him sexually, not finding him desirable anymore etc. Not the case with me….I am just exhausted and hurting most of the time. I have had sex with him numerous times even while in pain and not feeling well. I know that sex is a form of connecting….he gets angry with me if I do it to please him. According to him he doesn't want it if I don't enjoy it, but if I tell him I don't feel well or am hurting, he gets angry because I'm not in the mood. It feels like I can't win no matter what I do! He wants it 4+ times a week and gets upset if it's anything less. I just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place….Help!!!

  83. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He's 56 and I'm 51. Shortly after we got married, I became ill (numerous female surgeries, fibromyalgia, lupus). Our sex life consists of sex 2-3 times a week, but that isn't enough for him. So, in order to keep the peace, I have had sex even when I'm not feeling well. Problem is this: he gets angry if I tell him I don't feel well and don't want to have sex AND he gets angry with me if I have sex with him when I don't feel up to it. I feel as if I'm in a lose-lose situation. I can't please him….he wants me to be ready and in to it all the time! I have tried to explain to him how I feel but he doesn't even begin to understand or try to.
    Reading this blog makes me think that maybe he has a problem…any advice?

  84. Schedule:) and how does it work if he wants ever day sometimes twice?
    Today I had headache I was sleeping he tried I said pls cant u see,then I woke to take my pills; after sn hour ge asked are you feeling better. I replied yes thanks but couldn't believe it ge said then we can do something now?
    In this case tell me what works other than scheduling.
    I say im tired im sick im sleepy to prepare him not hurt his feelings but after all the result will b the same.

  85. I am really disappointed Aaron, I thought this blog/site was from a woman and her point of view and thought I could share it with my wife. All you have done is perpetuate the perceived problems between men and women and sex, from a man's view. You have done nothing to improve married peoples relationships along the lines of sex and expectations. Shame on you for wasting people's time!

  86. I've been married for 30 years. I lost my libido about 20 years ago. I have had undesired sex with my husband at least once a week for the past 20 years because I love him and it has been important to our marriage.
    Just one question: Do you think he would return the consideration and NOT have sex with me for the next 20 years?

    PS I agree with May 11, 2014…You can't coach a LDP into wanting and enjoying sex. Actually, the more unwanted sex they have, the less they enjoy it.

  87. What is wrong with this world? First off there is nothing wrong with married people having sex. That is one of the primary reasons for being married. Now sex has to be fully satisfying for her before it is for him. I get this part I really do. Years ago we negotiated a schedule for sex. Then gradually as she was enjoying herself we increased it. Then as things were going really well and by this I mean every other day SHE decided to dress for bed EVERY night in lingerie I had purchased. For her and each and every morning we woke early to make love. I had my doubts as if I could keep. Up to this pace but I can and we do. I am 56 and we have sex every single morning and every single night she picks out what lingerie she wants to wear to bed. I have. The healthiest prostate gland in history and the most active tongue which is used on her also each morning. So those who think one or two or thee days a week is too much get with the program and please stop complaining. Sex is very good for a marriage.

  88. So it's worthy of divorce time to get a roomate, if you just want to be able to cuddle with your partner without it always having to lead to sex.

    • “I wonder what pre marriage manuel these men read that told them to expect sex with the wife ALL the time.”

      I assume that is a question?

      Here is the answer. Read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 in the New Testament of the Bible.

      Yes, I am a Christian husband.

  89. Too bad men feel like they can have sex whenever the urge comes upon them. Heck, men get horny way too often! They are much hornier than women and they actually expect us to keep them happy at the expense of making ourselves unhappy. If they were out in the single world, they wouldn't be getting sex every time they got horny…they would find other ways to release the pressure. I wonder what pre marriage manuel these men read that told them to expect sex with the wife ALL the time. We need love not constant sex. It's not the same. It's time we tell them this. We are human's with feelings and when they want sex ALL the time we start to feel used and abused, not loved. We need to let them know this! Probably over and over again because they truly think lots of sex means we should feel WAY loved. Listen guys, we don't feel loved, we feel used. Back off until we can get over this awful feeling and come to you for a LOVING sexual connection. You are going to ruin everything with your horns.

  90. Hi! My husband like to have sex all the time! He seems like his always horny. I don't know if it is because he loved me or just because he has more fantasies of other women in internet!

  91. June 29, 2014

    Funny, I've had several roommates in my lifetime. Never have I had a desire to cuddle with them. I do crave the intimate physical connection of cuddling with my husband. Actually, that is one part of our relationship that has diminished mainly because it always leads to sex. What's wrong with hugging and cuddling to show affection? Why does it always have to lead to sex? I'm missing the affection, I'm certainly not missing the sex…I'm getting plenty of that!

  92. I feel like I am the odd ball out here. I am the woman who wants the sex, and My husband doesn't. It seems that every-time I try to get him in the mood, hes tired, or That I want it to be a two way street, where I would like to be touched as well as touch him. Unfortunately he isn't interested. I frequently ask what would be a turn on, or how will I know when he is in the mood, since he will say I was in teh mood but you blew me off. And I never knew. I have asked how I could know in teh future, and he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I get the lack of sex needs to be talked about, but i fell I am accusing, and I see it in his eyes. I love him, but i cant not feel the love, I need sex. I have only been married two months. any suggestions on how to not be forceful when trying to open up communication?

  93. Perhaps he can have his testosterone levels checked.
    Simple test with simple solution if that is the cause.

  94. Men commenting on here are clearly missing the point. I am having difficulty because my boyfriend wants sex everyday more than once a day. Its not "JUST" 30 minutes of the day. It's 30 minutes now, 2nd round after that, then as soon as you lie in bed, or on the sofa, the dry humping starts, or touching boobs and genitals ALL THE TIME.. Then in the middle of the night, then early in the morning (4am)before he leaves for work.. Why do I have to wake up 2 hours before work to have sex with you and then possibly go back to sleep for an hour and feel exhausted at work. Then if you do it once, you have to do it all the time… "Before you used to do it, now you just dont like me/it anymore". And for those that say "No wonder we get cheated on?" How bout we women start using that against YOU when YOU dont want to cuddle everynight. How would you feel if I came to you everytime you got home or lay down to rest and said "ITS CUDDLE TIME BABY!" and we'd cuddle for "JUST 30min" like 4 times a day. Bet you men would all be down for that! (sarcasm) You don't have everything you want everyday! Why should this be something to give everyday (and multiple times a day)??? I love chocolate cake, and I would have it everyday… But do I eat it everyday? NO. Can I have it every day? YES. Do I whine about it everyday that I can not eat the piece of cake? NO.
    And im not even married!!! I cant imagine when I do have kids, and a house to worry about! I might as well be alone for the rest of my life and not have to deal with all this BS.

    NOTE: At the beginning of a relationship, its always a lot and great sex, but that's when men are trying to impress us (not being themselves) with all the flowers and oh so sweet messages, and helping out, small gestures that show they care, etc.. we feel HORNY towards that person and want to have sex.

  95. Men are dogs. It sounds like an insult, but when you actually look at it from a pet owner perspective, it’s pretty accurate. And if women would allow themselves to have a bit of a paradigm shift by looking at their husbands from that perspective, maybe they would come to realize what they are doing to them by constantly shutting them down.

    If you switch “walks” or “play” (with your dog), to “sex” or “good sex” (with your husband), you see how they are virtually the same.

    Every dog trainer in the world will tell you that a dog needs exercise or it will grow restless and start to become unmanageable. Just watch an episode of The Dog Whisperer! A good dog owner will take their dog for a walk every day, and usually a weekend excursion to a dog park for a treat so the dog can really burn off any excess energy. They do this rain or shine. Why? Because the dog needs it. And the dog loves it! And studies have shown that dog owners live longer, healthier lives, primarily due to the added exercise that is required in order to take care of a dog properly.

    Those daily walks are more than just mindlessly walking around the block. Daily walks strengthen the bond between you and your dog. Sure, the dog wants to go out for a walk no matter who is taking them, but he’s coming to you with the leash in his mouth. He wants you to take him. You are the one he wants to be with. When everyone is sitting around the living room watching a movie, he wants to be at your feet. Why? Because you give him what he needs and that bond is strengthened every day.

    So what happens when you don’t take your dog out for daily walks? A day or two might not hurt, but over the long haul, that neglect will start to manifest itself in undesireable behaviour. You will punish the dog, you will scold the dog, you will be angry and resentful of the dog.

    Gradually, that dog will no longer bring you the leash with that look of joy and excitement in his eyes. He will be dejected. Did you know that neglect can break a dog’s spirit? They get depressed and distant, and often become destructive.

    Husbands are the same way. When he is constantly turned down and rejected, eventually he will stop trying. You will break his spirit. Even the most faithful and loving husband can gradually turn resentful and lash out. Maybe not by destroying property, but maybe by destroying the marriage. He wants you. He wants to feel wanted and respected and cared for, or it will drive him away. You can’t just let the dog outside in the back yard to play by himself and think that’s good enough. He will not be satisfied. He needs you to spend that time with him.

    Properly caring for your dog and properly caring for your husband will usually result in the same thing too: undying loyalty and a desire to please that knows no bounds.

    Neglect the needs of your dog, or your husband, and you will eventually find that you have a problem on your hands.

    You know what they say: there are no bad dogs, only bad owners.

  96. I understand exactly what the wife feels… I'm a 39 yr old woman, and hate sex and I sabotage every relationship so I don't have to intimate. I will be alone for the rest of my life until I find male with the same appetite as myself (no sex) sex is very overrated. Signing off (Under Stimulated)

  97. Lady, lay on you back and let him have his 5 minutes, its not going to kill you to let him shoot his load in you, in/out done in 5 minutes

  98. some men are just selfish and don't care about their partners wellbeing. He also blamed his anger on lack of sex and raised his hand to hit me but obviously thought better of it cause I was pregnant. This kind of behaviour is what breaks up marriages. Women arent slot machines we have feelings guys.

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  99. My thoughts again, exactly. Why cant he find another way to love her? Its exactly my problem too. Im trying for my partner to learn new ways of love but he is stuck with the idea that love is only shown through sex or "making love" as he says when there are other ways of showing love.

  100. Sex is an important part but its not the most important. You are a man and you havent even put yourself in the position of us women so that you could at least understand a bit. Most of the Low ones are women because women are more heart and are more sensitive in that aspect of giving love. There are other ways to give love and feel connected with a partner that does not involve penetration or body fluids. Sex for me is an addition to a relationship. Shouldnt be based on sex primarily. I am in a relationship with this man that at first, when we werent nothing we fucked all the time. I even started it. But when i started having feelings for him (more or less 3-4 weeks ago) i stopped having or desiring so much sex because for me, now there is an emotion involved. An emotion, a need that can be fulfilled with caresses, kisses, holding hands, hair strokes, etc. Not sex. Sex would be the sum of all that that eventually explodes in a wonderful session of making love. But not all the time. Before we were something sex was everything and now I feel i love him and desire from him what i give to him (which he doesnt by the way. Seems like he is stuck in the past when i didnt felt anything for him) and yes, he also loves me and he says that thats his way of showing me thathl he loves me. But what if i dont want that way all the time? I have let him know how i feel but he just doesnt get it through his head. He is always caressing my breasts, ass and vagina and i told him there are other ways to show love. But for me its like hes just fulfilling his manly biological needs. There have been also a lot of times where i have to put up with him fucking me when i dont want to do it. Its frustrating and it lowers my self esteem as a woman because i feel he doesnt listen to my needs. In my mind I say that if he really loves me, he will bend a bit and learn other ways to give love, which i want to do it, i want to teach him to be more sensitive and less animalistic. But everytime i bring up the topic, he makes me feel like im the bad guy.

  101. Lady, I think you are the counselor here, not this whacko that doesnt seem to know at all what a woman is saying. I posted this to him:

    Sex is an important part but its not the most important. You are a man and you havent even put yourself in the position of us women so that you could at least understand a bit. Most of the Low desire ones are women because women are more heart and are more sensitive in that aspect of giving love. There are other ways to give love and feel connected with a partner that does not involve penetration or body fluids. Sex for me is an addition to a relationship. Shouldnt be based on sex primarily. I am in a relationship with this man that at first, when we werent nothing we fucked all the time. I even started it. But when i started having feelings for him (more or less 3-4 weeks ago) i stopped having or desiring so much sex because for me, now there is an emotion involved. An emotion, a need that can be fulfilled with caresses, kisses, holding hands, hair strokes, etc. Not sex. Sex would be the sum of all that that eventually explodes in a wonderful session of making love. But not all the time. Before we were something sex was everything and now I feel i love him and desire from him what i give to him (which he doesnt by the way. Seems like he is stuck in the past when i didnt felt anything for him) and yes, he also loves me and he says that thats his way of showing me thathl he loves me. But what if i dont want that way all the time? I have let him know how i feel but he just doesnt get it through his head. He is always caressing my breasts, ass and vagina and i told him there are other ways to show love. But for me its like hes just fulfilling his manly biological needs. There have been also a lot of times where i have to put up with him fucking me when i dont want to do it. Its frustrating and it lowers my self esteem as a woman because i feel he doesnt listen to my needs. In my mind I say that if he really loves me, he will bend a bit and learn other ways to give love, which i want to do it, i want to teach him to be more sensitive and less animalistic. But everytime i bring up the topic, he makes me feel like im the bad guy.

  102. It's really a great thing to spend time with your partner but please be aware that excessive sex can lead to other chronic diseases like cystitis. Nevertheless, excellent post though.

  103. Yeah well, after 2 months of the same thing you would be as tired as all of the women here with the same problem. Dont compare your situation with something that does not compare to yours.

  104. Thank you. My exact thoughts. A man learns to love a woman from all perspective and when the woman is not sexually driven all the time, the man should learn to love her as she would like. Not as he would need as a man.

  105. My man don't want sex he's in his 50's in 13 yrs younger .. I have to come on to him every time & most of the time he says my stomach hurts or makes up some excuse that makes me cry .. We have been together 3 yrs & my do it 1 time a mth .. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel that I try to talk to him about sex & he says he don't like talking about it .. And at night I lay there listing to him breathing getting turned on .. I love him so much & he's so good to me I want to feel desired & wanted but he has no desir & it breaks my heart … I could never be selfish with the one I love .. If u weman don't want sex then u might not be in love .. I love my man deeply & he says all the time mybe u need a man younger .. I tell him if I wanted someone else I wouldn't be pashant & waiting on him . I wish he desired me … Once a mth for 3 yrs .. I don't understand … I could make love to my sweetheart 3 times a wk but we never have . And when were done he never asks if I'm finished or can he do more .. He's even told me to buy something & please myself .. Really hurts me . Makes me feel like he's not in love with me .. And I'm beautiful I've talked to a few friends & they can't believe it because I'm beautiful … I begged him to get his testosterone checked he says it's high .. That he's fine .. I don't know what to do 🙁 I've tried talking texting sending pictures telling him how much I desire him . But I guess I'm not what he wants ..,

  106. One more thing. Every time we stayed in a hotel room when traveling there was hell to pay if he didn't get sex because it was a waste of the room! We had free nights that didn't get used because I just could not deal

  107. I have always has a low sex drive but had sex since I was 16 to get or keep a man because I knew that is what I had to do whether I wanted to or not. My bf and I are both 50 and been together 3yr 8 mos. He does a lot for me ( I ask him not to because I don't want to owe him) but I think he is obsessed with me. He always accuses me of cheating since I am not f**ng him I must be f**ng someone else. We broke up today because he said I lied about a guy I dated ( I never slept with cuz I didn't like him that way) and I just can't take it anymore. I don't need crap about my life before him. And
    because although I love him I am over the constant talk about sex like it was just invented, how everyone else does it all the time, the boob grabbing and always being badgered for sex. My ex husband before him was the same way too. I told him from the start I had a low drive ( I have always thought sex is overrated) but he tells me to take care of him or he will get someone else. I told him if his dick was running his life than go ahead because I would be a disappointment. Once a week is all I can handle and even though he does a good job it is still a scheduled chore because he would do it every day if I let him. I would do it 2x the week before my period and that is it. I think it is hormone driven but asked him not to badger me and let me initiate but of course that never happened. I am not attracted sexually to women but I am done with men. I will date and have sex only when I want to . I am too old for this shit.

  108. Jackie,

    Many women (especially our age) want to give up on all of the games if not on sex all together. Men always think women play the games and are withholding sex to get what they want out of the men. Bull, it's the men who are always trying to make the woman feel bad for not giving the guy what he wants, needs, and somehow feels he deserves.
    It gets old! Guys will never outgrow their hormones but if they aren't careful, they will end up lonely old men.

  109. Thank you. I didn't want to break up with him but it was the right thing to do. His insecurities finally pushed him over the edge. He sent me a text today asking if I went over the guys house I dated before I met him!! I haven't talked to that person in years. Someone he knows told him I slept with that guy and he believed that person over me, the person he supposedly loves . The whole thing is incredibly sad because I have not been a flirt or ever cheated, but it doesn't matter he thinks I am lying. I have noticed that he frequently blames the woman in others relationship problems. I hope this craziness doesn't, escalate

  110. I have always has a low sex drive but had sex since I was 16 to get or keep a man because I knew that is what I had to do whether I wanted to or not. My bf and I are both 50 and been together 3yr 8 mos. He does a lot for me ( I ask him not to because I don't want to owe him) but I think he is obsessed with me. He always accuses me of cheating since I am not f**ng him I must be f**ng someone else. We broke up today because he said I lied about a guy I dated ( I never slept with cuz I didn't like him that way) and I just can't take it anymore. I don't need crap about my life before him. And
    because although I love him I am over the constant talk about sex like it was just invented, how everyone else does it all the time, the boob grabbing and always being badgered for sex. My ex husband before him was the same way too. I told him from the start I had a low drive ( I have always thought sex is overrated) but he tells me to take care of him or he will get someone else. I told him if his dick was running his life than go ahead because I would be a disappointment. Once a week is all I can handle and even though he does a good job it is still a scheduled chore because he would do it every day if I let him. I would do it 2x the week before my period and that is it. I think it is hormone driven but asked him not to badger me and let me initiate but of course that never happened. I am not attracted sexually to women but I am done with men. I will date and have sex only when I want to . I am too old for this shit.

  111. My man don't want sex he's in his 50's in 13 yrs younger .. I have to come on to him every time & most of the time he says my stomach hurts or makes up some excuse that makes me cry .. We have been together 3 yrs & my do it 1 time a mth .. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel that I try to talk to him about sex & he says he don't like talking about it .. And at night I lay there listing to him breathing getting turned on .. I love him so much & he's so good to me I want to feel desired & wanted but he has no desir & it breaks my heart … I could never be selfish with the one I love .. If u weman don't want sex then u might not be in love .. I love my man deeply & he says all the time mybe u need a man younger .. I tell him if I wanted someone else I wouldn't be pashant & waiting on him . I wish he desired me … Once a mth for 3 yrs .. I don't understand … I could make love to my sweetheart 3 times a wk but we never have . And when were done he never asks if I'm finished or can he do more .. He's even told me to buy something & please myself .. Really hurts me . Makes me feel like he's not in love with me .. And I'm beautiful I've talked to a few friends & they can't believe it because I'm beautiful … I begged him to get his testosterone checked he says it's high .. That he's fine .. I don't know what to do 🙁 I've tried talking texting sending pictures telling him how much I desire him . But I guess I'm not what he wants ..,

  112. I didn't read all the comments but I can see why the 70s-80s mentality were wrong regarding marriage. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with his husband that's because things doesn't work between the 2, if you really loved your husband you'd want to have sex every time you have free time because feelings alone justify that need. If you have too much work and that you can't find time for your husband just dont marry him… It doesn't make sense to make a family if your life style doesn't allow it. It's clearly a marriage for the "appearance" and you shouldn't complaint if you get into such thing as it is your own choice to live this way.

    I would like also to add that women enjoy sex more than men do, if your men is decent at sex even without love you would be asking for it because of how good it feels. If it's not the case you never experienced real sex and/or your husband is so bad at sex that it doesn't trigger the desire for pleasure in you.

    In any case I'm seriously shocked about the way some woman react to the fact that their husband want to have sex with them… If they dont like the fact that their husband have desire for them they should leave them or let them meet other woman. (And yes I'm serious)

  113. Nate I am in the same boat i feel hoodwinked if i knew that my wife
    would go from lots of sex to no sex i would have NEVER got married If i had known that the kids would always be the #1 excuse why i get told NO i would gotten snipped long ago I do my part things i don't want to do to make her happy and in return the 1 thing i want to make me feel like my sacrifice is worth it which requires the least time and effort on her part i get NO NO NO NO. i feel rejected negelected useless and worthless I talked and talked she promised and promised in the end i get NOTHING If i stopped touching her in any way shape or form she would never know something was wrong i could go months not saying or touching her she would see nothing wrong with that i am so unhappy and divorce is too expensive with 3 kids knowing she will get everything i worked my as off for i will get nothing and be forced to pay pay pay pay for my mistake of getting involved with a LDP that started of a HDP i was tricked.

  114. Lowers your self esteem? If you love this person you should be thinking of them and not yourself. You started the relationship screwing him all the time, why act so surprised that now he still wants it? Maybe his idea of loving you and wanting to have sex with you should show you that he's willing to love you and not be out chasing out women.

  115. Hello there,

    I am seeking advice..
    I am in a relationship with a man that I feel is a great one. We have so much fun together and everything is great, except when it comes ur our stances on sex. Don't get me wrong. I love sex. We have sex 3-4 times a week multiple times a day. It's great. However we recently encountered a problem and was sick a few months ago. I had a fever and a sore throat and felt like crap. I told my boyfriend and he then got upset and agitated. He agreed that we would have sex that night and we went to bed. The next day I still wasn't feeling myself. I felt blah and my head and throat was still hurting. I told him that day also I didn't want to have sex. But instead I showed him intimacy and affection the whole day. Hours later he began to get aggressive with me and stand offish. When I asked him what was wrong he said he's mad bc he wants to have sex and I won't. He admits it's an asshole move but yet continues to do so. When I'm sick we fight about how I could do other "alternatives" instead of full on sex, and when I offered for him to perform masterbation he said it's not the same and he feels awkward because he feels like he's betraying my trust. I told him it's natural and that it's okay but he won't do it if I'm there. Am I wrong for now wanting to have sex if I'm not in the mood or sick? And what can I do to help this? I want to save our relationship but he's making it out like all men are like this. I want to have a bit more faith in men but he's making it hard. Help??? Should I just do it when I'm sick???

  116. We have sex maybe 1 time a week. I'd like it more but our main issue is that her unwillingness to initiate sex is leading me to believe that she never wants it. I shouldn't have to beg and gravel 1 time a week for her to be intimate.. By doing so it basically makes me feel like I'm forcing her to be intimate and care/have emotion towards me. I once gave up trying.. we didn't have sex for 3 weeks and even then it was because I initiated. I've come to the conclusion there are just some people incapable of emotion, well love anyways, and when you never care to initiate romance.. what dies that make your partner feel about both themselves..not attractive etc and your feelings towards them.

  117. Yeah, that is so frustrating. We were warned but thought it would be different for us. You choose ould try again but the pattern will likely repeat itself. I do understand not feeling in the mood. However, that ought to be the exception. When the sex stops the relationship is going to fail. I work when I'm I'll and do chores when I'd prefer not to. Tax time and car repairs are big headaches, but I take care of them. The children cause a rebellion. This cannot be ignored, but must be dealt with. When she sees sex as a chore, the relationship will not thrive. You can divorce. Then you can pay her bills and never get the sex. So you grit your teeth and pull that plow every day with no sugar in your coffee. She wants a trip or a new car. Sorry, Hun, but I'm just not feeling it. A happy, fulfilling marriage for both parties would be so wonderful and that is why we try, try again. It can happen. But not for me. Why am I so angry? My hard work and fidelity is not rewarded with loving tenderness. My reward is a job well done. I do like my wife. She is pretty and funny and smart. But coaxing physical intimacy is nearly impossible. And when she does it is only grudgingly. I respect the honesty but am so very, very, very disappointed. The beautiful, rebellious children make it worthwhile. If it weren't for them I would just walk away. Why fight? When it's over you acknowledge that fact and go your separate ways. I don't place all the blame on her. I had a bad temper and drank heavily and that had to turn her off. I don't want the children to question their parents' commitment to each other. My sense of duty demands we stay together. I have to run my business, pay the bills, save for the future and spend times with the kids. I want her to continue to treat the kids with loving tenderness and have sex with me daily. I cook. I clean. I take the kids to school and pick them up. She has six hours a day to do what she wants while I work and the children are at school. I thought that my brother what's the tyrant when he told his wife that he would not marry her until she graduated from college and got a job.now he has the same lack of sex from his life but at least she's paying some bills. The bottom line is that I am screwed but not having sex. What are you gonna do?

  118. my boyfriend loves sex so much and that's frustrating. We've been together for 2 months now and he spends most of this time at my place, well he sleep in every night i must say. every time he turns he wants sex. we'd do it for like 4 times in a night and that's like everyday. Is that normal or this man has problems because i really cannot live with that. I always tell him that I want to miss him, crave sex atleast do it 3 times in a week but no he wants it everyday.. no I just can't. Please advise if this is normal or should i run away like i plan to??

  119. Men want sex way too often for women. It does become a chore and a huge one at that. It turns something that should be fun into an obnoxious duty. Men should allow their woman's desire to replenish. That should take a week or two at most. When the man pushes all the time, it ruins sex and any loving feelings a woman has for him. Learn to handle your desires by yourself until she is in the mood. Also, try every month to make it special. Take time. Set the mood. Build the desire and finish the job. You can then ask for quickies a couple times a week without being a selfish jerk.

  120. Omg that wife of his is a pain! Feel sad about the man. Have 2 say 2- 3 times a week is not much. I personally prefer sex like 2 -3 times a day. Had a girl once… She wanted the same thing. That was some rocking time together.

  121. Hi All

    It is sad to read all the atitude on this blog.

    Ladies did you share these feelings with your husband when you were hoping he would ask you to marry him? which sane man would have popped the question to you
    My wife was as sexual as I was just after we were married.
    As the years passed our 4 to 5 times a week became two and right down to twice a month, I love foreplay and find it as necessary for me as the act itself, i would do anything for her to let her experiance the same feelings I have, I had to always beg for it and constant rejection puts a man into depression, which snowballs the problem, she actually resented going to bed at the same time as me and I started feeling like a "sex addict" which I was not, so I told her I was not going to iniate any more and she was the one to start the proceedings when she was in the mood,I stuck to it till now – I think that was a good gesture on my part to take pressure off her.
    That is when we went down to 1 or 2 times a month and I knew those times she opened her legs were for sympathy, she was now boss of our sex life and bang went all foreplay and oral, different positions and exciting talking during sex, in fact, she will now ask "Do you want to make bumps, well get on with it" I climb on, as she only does missionary position and if I try last more than a couple of minutes she actually asks me to cum now.

    Ladies this is what I got for being too understanding, problem is we love each other to death and would not dream of leaving,

    The downside of this scenario is that I battle with the emotional side, I am moody during the dry spells and climb the walls with frustration, she senses this and then will give it to me once and then all is "good".

    My once sensual self esteem has dwindled.

    Sex is in the mind and if you don't fulful this need weather it is just a look, a naughty word in the ear in public or to fantisize with each other, the actual sex act is frustrating as she has the whole package but is giving just a glimps, after sex I am still craving sex – does this make sense, and without the mind being a part of the act, we could have sex every night but it will not satisfy my hunger…

    What I am trying to put over is that unless you work at your sex life from both sides (excuse the pun – I would be so lucky!!!)the problem escalates on both sides, with being denied sex my need and frustration gets worse and puts more pressure on my wife, so to cope she obliges when she has to but likes to "get it" finished quickly, which frustrates me more and so on..

    I am hopefull for the future…
    Last night my wife really rejected me after weeks of nothing, with a very lame excuse and pushed me to a verge of me not caring anymore, (she knew I was done) she then slowly started to play with me which normally gets a response immediately but I was so down she must have thought it had died,she then lifted the duvet and gave me the most awesome bj, to my surprise she got so wet and horny she even asked me to lick her(which she has not alowed for about 10 years, I used to love doing it and was never in a hurry and according to my earlier girlfrinds was a pro) needless to say we made passionate love and both of us felt completely satisfied.

    I am now again going to take control of our sex lives, we will be having a date night once a week and I will be treating her the way I did when we were dating, we need to re-kindle and spice up our minds away from our routine places and I am sure this will tickle her fancy (again, excuse the pun) and hopefully we will bonk our way into the sunset.

    How can we make time to work so hard at our jobs, washing, cleaning, facebook, etc, and not make any attempt to grow our relationship, imagine writing on the divorce papers that lazyness is the reason.

    Come on men, don't forget to never stop courting your lady.

    I hope my comment helps some of us to get more meaningfull sex.


  122. It takes time for a woman's desire to replenish. Sometimes a week. If you make her have sex before she wants it, she will grow to hate it. And if she hates it, it will show. Sorry. It has nothing to do with her love for you. It is biological. Some men seem to think their desires should come first. Why? Why do they feel like they are more important? Egotistical, selfish babies.

  123. Kudos to the man above who has decided to put effort into making sex enjoyable for his wife and waiting for once a week. Quality over quantity. It will be reciprocal I'm sure. She will feel loved and respected. Not used. Smart man.

  124. Hello
    My husband wont do sex during the week even if i make suggestions…he was all cuddly in the beginning of our relationship, hodling hands in public but now it seems to me a duty than a man who loves his wife and wants the world to know. We do have sex sometime on weekends and twice is a miracle.
    All he wants to do after work is watch TV and yes we have spoken about this a number of times and he agrees on what we could do but nothing changes.

    we've only been married for a year.
    he goes to gym after work 3x a week and whenever i initiate sex he is Always tired.

    i feel he's not attracted to me anymore. I must admit that he fulfills all other husbandly duties…bills…stuff around the house…he does all things except sex. he also alsways says that sex doesnt define the overall happiness of the marriage. if all else is 100% than we need to focus on that which we are happy with.

    help me please someone 🙁

  125. All these men these women are referring to are just selfish manipulating bullies. If a man cares for a women he will have abit of give and take these men are just demanding. Its not a women's job to be a sex slave. Sex and a relationship go hand in hand but it is not all about the man if he has I high sex drive that's his responsibility he can go mastibate the world does not revolve around these 'children' I feel sorry for these women, women need more then feeling like servants n this asking how they can help make them come oh please like if ur not in the mood for sex ur in less a mood to give a head job

  126. Divorce is on the rise because women don't need men to support them anymore and are starting to say NO to sex when they don't want it. Men can change partners every 2 years but the end result will be the same.

    Men want it all the time. Women don't. Women won't be forced anymore.

  127. My husband wants sex 24/7/365. We have been together for ten years. I have hardly any drive. Getting me in the mood for something I don't want to do is almost impossible. I think having sex two too three times a week is plenty. He thinks every night and morning is good but would prefer more than that. Men are careless when it comes to sex. They get angry and it's ridiculous. Why should we woman have to feel obligated to sex every night? When it becomes more of a chore than making love, there is a problem.

  128. Seems to be a trend. The more demanding the man is, the less drive a woman has. Men who demand too frequent sex kill a woman's drive. Once a week is reasonable. But these jerks who get angry over not enough sex should be alone. They don't deserve a loving woman. Especially if the woman is reasonable. They are selfish boys who can't grow up. Pouting or throwing their tantrums. What a turn on, eh? Ironic! They destroy the one thing they want.

  129. Both my husband and myself were high desire people when we entered our relationship. We had sex everyday and both enjoyed it.

    What I didn't realize was he was skipping his heart medication and taking TWO Viagra in order to "keep this up", so to speak. That had to stop before he went in for a SECOND heart surgery.

    I was willing to adjust to less frequent sex – I'd rather have him taking his medications and stay alive!

    The problem is, with his heart condition and diabetes, he has a lot of trouble getting and keeping an erection without taking more than the recommended dosage of ED drugs (Viagra, Cialis, a couple of others). Yet he STILL wants to have sex everyday – or what he thinks of as sex. Actually it's just me trying (sometimes for hours) to bring him to orgasm. No foreplay. No penetration. Nothing for me, just hours of him being frustrated with me for not being able to get him off. Like it's my fault he doesn't eat right (sugar means NO erection pretty much) or take his medications properly.

    So now he's telling me that *I* need to see a sex therapist because I avoid sex with him! Yes, of course I do! I'm tired of giving him handjobs for hours and then he just says "thanks" and goes to sleep.

    I am not doing it ANY MORE. To be honest, this issue has killed the feelings of love I had for him. All I can think of is how revolting it is to be used in the way I have been.

  130. Omg you poor thing! I mean that! An hour of trying to get his limp d#%# hard? Every day? Dear Lord woman! You are a saint! That'd be the day. Not for any man no matter how much I loved him, how good looking or nice he was. Limp is such a turn off and gross. It's just for urine at that point.

    Men have a big problem with how much importance they put on sex. To be blunt, if it's not working your body is telling you something. Sex was not biologically meant to be done that often in later years. If you can't father a child and raise it, give up on the daily crap. As a matter of fact, daily is insane at any age. Maybe if he waited a couple weeks, he might be able to get hard. Yuck! I feel for you! Run far away! Nobody needs that torture. That's so gross. I just can't…

  131. Here is a typical scenario. Man gets unhappy with frequency and hotness of sex. He complains and gets angry. Woman feels criticized, unappreciated and pressured, therefore, turning her completely off sex with the man. You can't reverse the damage quickly or easily. Whenever the woman thinks about sex, negative thoughts fill her mind. Not a recipe for passion. It's advisable to never criticize your partner about sex. It will backfire and ruin any future sex.

    Communicate delicately. Avoid criticism of any kind. Never compare her to anyone else. Never say you are unhappy. If you say 'would you like to try…' And you don't get a positive response… Drop it. This goes both ways. A person needs to feel wanted, adequate and appreciated to feel sexual.

    It's staggering how many men make this huge mistake. Sex is very personal and being criticized in that area cuts very deep.

    Imagine if your girl said to you… I really wish you were harder. How long do you think it would take to forget about that?

  132. I am so sorry for the woman with the husband with ED. I have been there, done that. For some reason (unknown to women) men have a deep seated fear of not being able to obtain an erection. Sounds to me like your husband is having a form of identity crisis.
    Mine sure did (post prostate surgery). It is not fun being employed to be the one person to help him get his erections back. I even got the pleasure of injections for a while. It's hard work when things don't work quite right. Takes the passion and fun out of it thats for sure,

    My main problem was that I had already gone through menopause and had lost all desire for sex already and here I was working almost daily to help my husband get back that which I wished he couldn't get back. Now that is true love.

    I hate to say this, but perhaps this would be a good use of pornography and self stimulation. And most definitely some talking to about your needs and desires. Turn about is fair play, unless you have already been saturated by his sexual insecurities and have lost all interest.

    You don't need a sex therapist, he needs the therapist. He is grieving the loss of "himself" and needs to learn how to deal. When we are in pain or anxious, we often lash out at those we love the most. Doesn't mean you need to accept his anger.

    I hope he can get past this and move on without damaging your relationship too much more.

    Best of luck for you both.

  133. Aaron, id like to drop a pulp fiction line on all of these angry self righteous women. "If my answers scare you, cease asking scary questions" he has a multitude of amazing points actually. Its pretty non biased. Dont get angry because he disnt pander to your selfish thoughta. Your angry response just goes to show how selfish you truly are. Which explains why you cant keep a man happy.

  134. Older man speaking: Love the honest responses here. I can easily imagine how women feel backed into a corner by her male partner's sexual needs, how it becomes a complex. Does it help to imagine the flip-side of that: what it's like for a man to live with his own constant sex drive like a monkey on his back?. Some of this has to be simple biological differences. Does it help if partners take charge of their own sexual gratification, so that a woman can ask a man to masturbate next to her instead, or is that repulsive? Or, switching roles, that a woman takes charge of her own orgasm? I do love it when I feel taken in and wanted, so it's hard for me to realize women may not feel the same about being wanted. For some (most, all?) women, being wanted all the time can seem more like being relentlessly backed into a corner.

  135. I found your article and read it of course after searching how I could help my marriage. I pondered on it for a while and read your other article about "she never wants sex". After thinking about what I've read I agree with what you are saying but I also feel you are missing the point. Your suggestions to the reader really only left her with 2 options "have sex with your husband after you've told him how you like to get into the mood" or "or ask your husband if you can help him come (I'm assuming you mean cum/help him release physically) since you are not in the mood. I'm not gonna lie…I find this second option upsurd. In the second post you mentioned the "low" person having all the control. I disagree with this as well. In my marriage we have sex 3 to 4 times a week. But my husband is never satisfied with that. He wants more and more. I'm already bending and giving into him because I understand he has needs and honestly I don't feel like fighting about it. I have NO control in the situation. It's either fight every night or give him what he wants. In fact I've just decided I'll just say yes every night so I can avoid the in between days of him being angry, fighting, and disappointed. I don't feel that you at all understand what it feels like to be pressured to have sex. To give of your body and self to please the person you are with because yet again he is disappointed with you. I agree with the comment above me. When you are already giving something that you have little interest in and then it's still not enough you are still a disappointment to them you lose any desire you may have been able to cultivate on your own had you been given the chance. To me sex doesn't feel like some beautiful thing my husband wants to share with me. I feel as if I must do it to avoid am argument. Not very romantic at all.

  136. I can't believe this blog has gone on for over a year. I stumbled upon it when trying to research the same problem. It seems there is so much information out there for people to improve their sex lives to cater to the higher desire spouse. I feel that sex is a very important part of a relationship and my husband is very considerate when it comes to the act itself. However, I too feel the pressure. I am able to thoroughly enjoy sex and don't have a problem with it. But I do feel that there should be other parts to a relationship without the sexual pressure. We have sex pretty consistently every other day and in between it is talked about, I am grabbed at, pressured about it, etc. I have tried to explain that I would like to substitute some of the sex with other forms of intimacy in our relationship, because I feel this is what I need as a woman. Maybe our sex crazed society doesn't help. Every where you turn, there are commercials about sex and sexy women being objectified. Also the way some women act doesn't help as far as the "Kim Kardashian" types, you get my drift. I feel that pornography makes things worse because maybe some men think that is how a woman must be in order to please them. I say "some" men, not all. The posts about the biological differences in men and women are right on the money as well. There needs to be more common ground in the understanding between men and their wives. I feel like I am not listened to, that it is just his way. I also feel that when we have sex, that I am willing to do just about anything he wishes. However, I am still called a "prude" because I don't want it even more. Like the other women on these posts, I feel resentment, therefore it just kills my desire to initiate it.

  137. November 2,

    As a matter of fact, the LDP always does control the frequency of sex. If the HDP persists even after the LDP says no, it's called marital rape. Most HDP's know to back off before it gets that far (if they don't then you need to be reading about how to fix other problems in your marriage rather than an HDP/LDP problem). Yes, there's pressure on the LDP so it often feels like you don't have a choice. But remember that you do. You can say no as frequently as you like – and you should. Out of respect to your partner, though, give them an appropriate place where they can get their sexual needs met with or without you. It just saves you both a lot of headache.

  138. Being a male must be shear hell! It's gotta be like walking around feeling like half of a human. And what's worse, you have to rely on another human to make you feel alive.

    The thought of not feeling loved or connected, not feeling whole or masculine, not feeling desired or respected without having sex with a woman sounds like a very sad state of affairs. The thought of being plagued with sexual thoughts, lusty desires, sexual frustrations on a daily basis must be depressing. Yet, I bet if you were asked, you wouldn't have it any other way.

    It must be super frustrating to have to rely on a female to make you feel like a whole person because, by definition, females are unreliable, emotional, and often aren't interested in constantly "keeping you happy".

    Some of you guys act like you are in a constant state of looking for a female to plug into in order to recharge your batteries. It's like your tank is always on empty.

    And then you get mad at the female in your life when she isn't interested charging you up at a moments notice. You call her names and get angry at her.
    Hey, It's not her fault you're plagued with being a male. Take some responsibility for your own state of being!

    I feel sorry for males, but not enough to allow myself to be used as a pump station when the tanks empty more often than I have supply to fill them.

    Thank God I was born a female!

    I will never understand men. I especially don't understand how they actually enjoy living with a Male sex drive. They just need to quit complaining when those selfish females won't cooperate with their needs and demands at all times.

    It is NOT the female's fault you are living with a male sex drive!!!!! We were not put on this earth to "keep you happy". Sorry if you can't always have it your way.

    • I am a married man and I am thankful that I never had to deal with (my own) periods, PMS, mood swings or being looked at like a piece of meat by men I never knew and some I would know.

      I am even thankful that I can urinate standing and if it is urgent, I can even relieve that pressure most places outside such as between two parked cars without having to expose the whole lower half of my body.

      I will never feel the pain of childbirth and the discomfort during nine months of pregnancy along with the cravings.

      If God gave me the choice, I would never choose to be born female. I can be the leader of my family and I hate having to submit to anyone though I must at times, but not very often, because I own my self employed business. There are always traffic policemen and once in a while a judge that I must submit to, along with being submissive in paying taxes.

      For me, the whole sex experience is potentially fantastic. Even when it is at its worst and there have been some rock bottom experiences with my lovely wife of three years, that moment when the prostate fluid mixes with the sperm in my testicals and the subsequent moment when the first few squirts of semen propel out of my excited phallus in a rapid volley exploding into the uterus of my lovely wife are so intense that Heaven and earth are insignificant to me. At that moment, even a terrorist could burst into my bedroom and roll a live grenade toward my bed and I would not be able to do anything but finish the orgasm because it is so intense that I would forfeit my life to finish that orgasm.

      That experience, which happens with nearly every orgasm during every time I make love to my wife is why I and many healthy men treat sexual intercourse with our wives on a level beyond any other experience in life, including the use of mind altering narcotics (which I never did). There is no experience in life to equal the pleasure of a male orgasm.

      I am totally thrilled with the physical experience of male sexual release and the intense and unparalleled pleasure that comes from orgasm that can not be experienced any where else in life in this world. Why would I not want to experience it as much as I possibly could? Physically, it is even healthy with no bad affects.

      Thank God I am male and married to a wonderful woman and am able to experience such joy in my marriage. I wish my wife had the same physical reaction to our lovemaking. I also wish that she wanted it as much as I want it. I try to make it as good for her as it is for me but she does have a low libido. I do the best I can for her and continue to love her.

      Would never want to have been born female and do not envy women except they are able to have multiple orgasms.

  139. Exactly. Who wants to initiate when you know all you will get is to be treated like the girls in porn? That's not enjoyable for any woman. Sex wasn't designed just for the man's pleasure. It takes two. Women are not sex toys. They are equals with their own desires.

    Yet, women are called prude, selfish, self righteous etc. it's insane. If only men knew a little about women and how to get along.

  140. Self righteous? Do you know what that means? Totally correct or morally superior. I don't think that fits. There is a difference between men and women and how often they want sex. Men seem to not care and simply want their wife to fake it all the time. Women want to be in the mood and not be forced to have sex and fake enthusiasm when they aren't in the mood.

    Do you really think self righteous is applicable? And if you want to label one side selfish, that might backfire in your face.

    Women don't want to change men, they simply want to be respected and to have the freedom to say no without the husband getting angry.

    Men just want sex. Period. All the time. They don't care if you aren't in the mood, they feel you are obligated anyway. That might just be the epitome of selfish behavior, don't you think?

  141. Why is a woman being self righteous to want to have a choice and say in the frequency of sex that SHE has?

    Why aren't men labeled self righteous when they expect women to bow down and submit whenever they want?


    Sex is not a man's right. It should be a pleasurable act between two willing people.

    Even though women arouse men by their appearance, they have the right to say no. It is not an obligation just because a man wants you. Hell, that's all we would do is lay down and please one man after another. Grow up and learn to control your constant urges.

  142. It's impossible for one woman to keep a man with a high sex drive happy unless she gives up her freedom, happiness and sexual preferences. That just sucks. No man is worth that. Those types of men should not be married.
    To previous poster. It's not selfish for a man to expect that a woman put her husbands wants above her happiness? You are highly biased and refuse to see women as equals. No compromising in your marriage. Your poor wife.

  143. Give them an appropriate place where they can get their needs met? Like where? The shower? A girlfriends house? Red light district? What do you mean?

  144. Are there any men that don't pressure their gf/wife for more sex? If so, I'd love to meet one. To have sex when we BOTH want to? Heaven! Does that man exist? Please say yes.

  145. I want to make sex a priority and ill give it mybest shot. I just feel exhausted! I get up by 5am to get kids ready and out the door by 645. Then off to work 8-10 hrs. Im expected to cook and clean and help kids w homework and then be a sex goddess and the end of the day. It's very hard!! I seriously put my head on the pillow and im gone til my alarms sounds. I wish i had a person to help me w the kids homework and w the cooking… This is part of my plan even when we cant afford it but I want a strong marriage and i have to say that sex is really and important part of it.

  146. To Nov. 2 "Older man speaking"
    How refreshing to hear a man actually try to understand where a woman might be coming from. You sound like you kind of get it.
    Thank you.

    As for partners taking charge of their own sexual gratification, that sounds like a great idea. Nothing repulsive about it!.

    And to: the feeling of being taken in and wanted.
    Well, for me, yes I do enjoy that feeling at times. But being smothered with "being wanted" starts to feel like being "used" when what I need is my space.

    I don't think men know what feeling used feels like. My guess is that most men would love to feel sexually used by a woman.

    I think it might have something to do with the fact that (most) men's sexual needs occur much more frequently than female sexual urges. So when a man needs sex and makes advances and the woman isn't interested and the man keeps suggesting or getting angry or resentful or even hurt, it is a clear message to the woman that what the man really needs is our body to relieve their sexual frustrations. Period end of statement.

    That message has nothing to do with love or connection, it has to do with getting your sexual needs taken care of and needing my body to do it. Yucky message.

    Some of that just might have to do with males social attitudes toward sex. The way you look at women, pornography, rape, condescending remarks degrading women, conquests, etc. It's every where and those attitudes only reinforce women's feeling of being used for men's pleasure.
    We grew up with these messages pounded in our brains.

    When we reject advances, it is not a rejection of you! It is a rejection of sex! Repeat that one hundred times. What we don't want at the moment is sex. We still love YOU! Repeat 100 more times. This seems to be a tough concept for men.
    Men's ego and masculinity is tied so closely to their sexual prowess that they have a hard time not being personally rejected when a woman isn't interested in sex with them at the moment.
    That leads to my last comment:

    On the flip side. No thank you. I would hate being cursed with a sexual monkey on my back! The thought of constantly being sexually driven sounds just awful. You can keep your male treasure. I have better things to think about and accomplish.

    Once again,
    Thank you for at least trying to understand some women's views of constantly being pressed for sex.

  147. Male sexual addiction ruins many marriages. Internet porn plays a part. It's up to the man to become aware and seek help. Most don't. They prefer to ruin their relationships, blaming the wife instead of admitting their weakness.

  148. What's sad is that men have what women want but turn it into a nightmare with the constant and ever increasing unusual demands. They can't be satisfied with simply making love. They need to turn up the scenarios with whatever fantasy they imagine that day. It goes from an expression of love SHARED by a couple to an addiction that turns the woman into nothing more than a tool. The woman is cheated with sex addicts. Romance is long gone. Perverted chores are far from romantic. If you are involved with one of these men, end it now. It won't get better. Only worse.

  149. Personally, the not feeling loved or connected is just bs. They say that just to plead their pathetic case. I agree it must be hell to be a man and in constant need of a fix. That is an addiction for sure! They actually see women as their fix and feel cheated and get mad if they actually have a mind of their own and won't oblige. Tell that poor girl what your demands will be BEFORE she marries you. She will run like hell. That's not marriage. That is slavery.

  150. "Out of respect to your partner, though, give them an appropriate place where they can get their sexual needs met with or without you. It just saves you both a lot of headache."

    A woman needs to give the man a place to get his needs met? Firstly, it's not a need. You won't die. Secondly, what kind of place are you talking about? A brothel? A room with a laptop? A divorce? LOL Seriously, what do you mean?

  151. I have been with my finance for about a year and his sex drive is much higher than mine. I think mine is actually pretty high and he complains about not the amount as much of the quality of the sex. We have sex about once per day. I believe he has a sex addiction, but I may be wrong. He wants sex a lot and masturbates around 5 times per day while watching porn. He has a super high sex drive and complains about the quality of the sex. On his defense he gives me everything a woman can want both emotionally and financially, but this sex thing is driving me nuts and making me second guess the marriage. The thing is I got fed up with his behavior and denied him sex for about 2 weeks. This led to fights and I left home to stay with my parents over the weekend and told him I wasn't sure about the relationship. He ended up seeing multiple high priced escorts that weekend. He didn't tell me, but I found out and emailed them and actually talked to one of them. These ladies were stunning, $1,500 plus an hour and I wouldn't say I am all that bad, but now that he is complaining about the quality of the sex and I saw them online, how can I measure up? These expensive prostitutes were like super models and actually held advanced degrees according to their whore profiles. I emailed them. The ladies all told me that they were nothing to worry about and they were in it just for the money and would never interfere with my fiancé. I feel that maybe I should just give up. He is one of those types of men that is handsome, financially wealthy, and such a sweetheart. He would make ever woman's dream come true, but how can I deal with this sex addition. We are in our mid 30s and time is running out for me to pick a decent man and have children. He has all of the qualities, but I fear he may be addicted to high priced prostitutes and porn! I mean its one in the same, because he hires prostitutes that are playboy models for more than 1k per hour. He told me he would quit. He just said all men need sex and if I am going to deny him sex, he may continue to see prostitutes even in our marriage, because he gets so horny. This is such an evil thing, because the way he treats me is one in a million like a princess. He is so talented and intelligent as well, but how do I deal with this addition or should I just give up on what may be the perfect man? I think he has a real problem and he has suggested he will see a counselor. I just don't know if its possible. I think he feels entitled to whatever he wants, because he is successful. I have my own money and a great career so I don't need his money, but its my dream to be a stay at home mom. Should I just ignore his misgivings? I really have a lot going for me and I would consider myself as a very beautiful lady with a great career and I am scared of him contracting a STD from his activities. He said he will stop, but if he doesn't, I feel I will have to leave him and continue my search. I am so picky and in love with him and I watch him now like a crazy jealous girl. My job is suffering and I am about to quit my job to watch him, because I am scared he will see a prostitute at lunch time. I have never caught him in any other lie. I do think he has remained faithful for the last few months. I cant seem to provide him with a great " quality " of sex, because I am so angry he saw those prostitutes behind my back. I did confront him and he apologized and we are going to a sex counselor, but the whole thing is just confusing. I feel like he just cant stop. He wants sex all of the time from me and sometimes its too much, I tell him go hire again and leave me alone. This even more frustrates him, because he says he doesn't want to be a "John" and he wants a happy marriage and one he is faithful and puts it all one me like its my fault if he sees a prostitute.

  152. Dines records how porn tells a false story about men and women. In the story of porn, women are “one-dimensional”–they never say no, never get pregnant, and can’t wait to have sex with any man and please them in whatever way imaginable (or even unimaginable). On the other hand, the story porn tells about men is that they are “soulless, unfeeling, amoral life-support systems for erect penises who are entitled to use women in any way they want. These men demonstrated zero empathy, respect, or love for the women they have sex with…(Pornland, xxiv).”

    Do NOT be with a man who views porn. You will be sorry. Porn ruins relationships.

  153. To the previous poster. Run like hell. He is NOT the perfect man. He views porn daily? You know how porn affects men don't you? Google it! He cheated on you and paid a ton of money for prostitutes and you think he's perfect? He views women as his sex toy. Nothing more. You don't want that.

    Imagine this scenario. You are married to him and have a 6 month old. You quit your job and are dependent on him, You have an even lower sex drive because you are nursing and not ovulating. He pressures you for sex even though you are exhausted, getting up at night to feed the baby. He isn't happy because you aren't into sex. He goes to see more prostitutes. Does that sound like a warm and happy home? Recipe for divorce more than likely.

    Don't you dare marry him just because he has money. Respect and the way they treat you is paramount. And please don't have children with the self absorbed man. He is not a good role model. You will be sorry if you do. He won't listen to a counselor. That type of man listens to nobody.

    Don't let your age make you settle. You can find a nice man that maybe doesn't earn as much and isn't as attractive, but will treat you well. You deserve that.

  154. Perhaps he should stop doing all the cumbersome daily activities that you find important…like going to work, paying bills, etc. That door swings both ways.

    This isn't about "obligation". It is about love and mutual respect. When one spouse withholds sex, it is selfish and disrespectful. When one pressures for sex endlessly, THAT is selfish and disrespectful.

    Perhaps couples should think about the needs of their spouses instead of this endless exercise in selfishness where self-indulgence rules.

  155. Gosh, I thought I'm the only one. I recently broke up with my partner bec of this issue. I love him but I couldn't stand it anymore. 🙁

  156. I sort of agree with the previous poster that you shouldn't withhold sex. But we may disagree on how often you should have it.

    The pressure and criticism men throw at women only makes them want it less. You stop looking at the man as a loving, caring person and begin to see him as a selfish, mean sex addict. The thought of sex with him becomes unpleasant.

    It's a downward spiral. Couples should be counseled before marriage. Husbands do not have a right to their wives bodies whenever the urge strikes. Wives should remember how important sex is for a man. When criticisms start, it becomes a long ugly battle.

  157. I posted previously about my fiancé. Lately ( as if he is reading this ) he hasn't been looking at porn nor has he been pressuring me for sex. I think he may have given up and we are having sex naturally every other day; however I did catch him on an escort advertising website. It seems like the reason he is more chill is that he is taking his needs elsewhere. My question to men then why even stay with us and why involve us. The high end prostitutes are attractive and willing to bend over and let you do whatever where ever. I feel as one woman I cant compete with ALL of them. He says its my fault MY FAULT if he sees an escort like I said in my previous text from withholding or BAD sex. Its strange, because when he had his 10 sex sessions with the ladies after we had amazing sex!! I am depressed, because as a whole eventually I wont be as attractive as the ladies he can buy. Its simply because I am not in my twenties anymore. Its just totally unfair. I don't understand why he pays, he explains he is just too busy to go to a bar, this way he can pick them out as in a catalog and he gets what he wants and back to work. This is driving me nuts and I feel the only ones that win here are the ladies he purchases, because they leave unaffected and emotionally intact ( well probably not as a whole ), because he is an attractive younger guy that is decent looking and generous so I am sure he treats them well. Plus he brags about their bodies and how he makes them ( trying to get this PG ) multiple times. I actually am starting to hate not just him, but men as general. Men are so fortunate to pick out whatever and throw money and get what they want. I guess woman can too, but a woman's needs are far more emotional. I wouldn't want to spend $750 for 2 hours for a man to have sex with me, but men do. He told me the richer he gets the more porn stars and top models he could buy. My question to him, why MARRY ME? He says he doesn't want to be this type of man and He loves me. He wants to be a one woman guy and he is ready to commit to me and only me. To date this man has spent over $150,000 or so before meeting me. I could think of a lot of things that money could do, to me what a waste of money. He says the experiences are great and the woman love him. Is he that delusional? Those woman are in it for one reason only, the money. Watch out ladies !!! When he stops wanting sex, your husbands will be like my finance. They will quickly go into hiring. Like him, I think its a last resort and they feel bad after they did it; however once they discover the high-end escorts and porn stars, they will become addicted. No one can compete and not even the porn stars or models can, because every woman is replaceable in terms of sex. This is something I have found that has made me very bitter towards men. I can bend over and have amazing sex with my finance, but I am only one person and someone else smells different, feels different, and is new and exciting. I can never be more than one person and the more I try to please, the farther my self esteem falls. I guess in some ways now that if your partner wants it all the time, there is still time left before he looks into the sex industry and starts spending your marital money ( in my case our wedding money ) on other ladies for their benefit. Be careful and always know men see you as a replicable object. The only reason men stay is fore LOVE and COMMITMENT, but if he wants sex from you, give him sex for goodness sake. Never forget, 1000s of woman are ready and willing for money. Men aren't that stupid and they aren't that committed. They are just people that are so horny, they will fork out whatever to get it. I am not speaking of all men, but probably a good 30% and the one I am in love with.

  158. It's an eye opener when men say they deserve sex for going to work. They equate work with sex and wonder why women then view sex as a chore. Women do all kinds of chores too. Just because you work doesn't mean you are owed sex. Sex should be mutual. Enjoyed by both. Not an obligation or chore. That attitude sucks the fun right out of it.

    Make it fun. Make it mutual. Women don't desire sex as often. If you want a wife, make her want to please you by being a good husband, not by acting like a kid who didn't get a toy. In other words, grow up.

  159. Ok this is another post about my fiancé ( a couple of hours later )… So I broke into his phone to find multiple prostitutes texting him daily. One he did an overnight with for 5 k. I decided tonight I will move on and have ended our engagement. I refuse to think all men are like him.

    Sex should be about the fundamental things.. love and connecting. Sex should not be forced nor denied. Moments of sensual touch (A touch transcends energy so powerful that words are mere dots on a blank canvas that really can never portray that moment) are the connecting life points. Connect with your spouse.

    Pray for me as I will need it. The dating world is a jungle. I wish all of you the best and as the smart woman said I deserve a GOOD MAN with less money and less attractive, but that treats me right. Perhaps he will turn me on and I will have great sex. Or maybe in a few years I will be back posting. 🙂 Goodnight its 5am here.

  160. To the fiance above. Shocking what you put up with. He does these immoral and wasteful things and you go back to him the next day? Where is your self respect? Are you really in love with him? After he tells you he is with other women? Or are you in love with his money?

  161. To strengthen my point. I was once told by my husband after working many late hours… he is too tired to watch a movie with me. I asked him if he would just sit with me while I watched as I wanted to be close to him, we hadn't spent much time together lately. He said no, he feels he needs to go to bed. So I let him. there was no reason to sulk or become upset, i know how hard he worked, it was late at night. Even though it was immensely important to me. When I got to bed and I was tired after watching a movie, he made advances to make love… and When I asked him isn't he tired, he said I'm never too tired to make Love my sweetheart. Beautiful words… but after what just happened… they felt like disrespectful and selfish words. It's ok for his needs to be met, but not mine? encouraging such beaviour will only lead to divorce because you are asking one person (the LDP) to consistently "make room" and find ways to please the other and you are not addressing the issue that the HDP often has expectations that the LDP just cannot meet. that the HDP is also in fact required to back off just a bit and "give it up" in other areas the LDP needs him/her to once in a while.

  162. So… Dear Counselor
    While your advice was ok… it offered nothing for someone really suffering from this problem.

    Often for the LDP…sex is tough. but making Love can be a beautiful thing if it is willing and desired from both sides. Men esp… sometimes you don't know that you're pressurizing us into sex. perhaps you don't know that this is ALSO a form of rape. if it's not wanted and the LDP doesn't have the freedom to say no because it will affect the general happiness of the relationship, they are putting their partners needs before their own. If you are the HDP, you can have NO idea how grueling this can be for the LDP. yet we do it, we do it because we truly want to make you happy. Why is it ok for date night once a week, once every two weeks, once a month? ask yourselves…everyone, what am I doing to bridge the gap that formed over time. hold on to the partner you once looked at with passion and the one who was your rock of integrity.

    and lastly, to men who have just fathered children.

    You cannot imagine how hard it is to go from maternal to sex goddess in a couple of minutes. everything in our bodies have just been re-wired to say, care, kindness, respect, maturity, love and most importantly, integrity. to jump over and "do it from behind" just after nursing an infant… well… you do the math. Make love to us, starting from the way you touch us. make us feel in every touch that we are safe the way you did the first time, that if there is something we don't want to do, we will not be forced to do it. that if there is something we want to share, it will be a shared experience. Look at us with Love and not lust. When you embrace us, everynow and then it's ok to grope and cop a feel 🙂 we enjoy it too, but come on now…when we near towards you and all you can do is to grab only the parts that you hope will sexually arouse us. HUGE TURNOFF. And it becomes extremelly hard to look at the person you're with with any kind of love. Most days, We would rather stay far far away from you, and the gap gets bigger, just because you can't be decent towards us. I always say: imagine how protective brothers and fathers are about the sister/daughter in the relationship, ready to break any guys hand who will treat her indecently. yet that same man will treat his partner with the same indecency he expects others to contain. it doesn't do much for building Love or trust in your partner.

    Lets just all be considerate towards each other as partners. there are differences. But foster a sense of enjoyment in working out the differences and be patient. But most of all… remember, that loving a person means expect nothing of them and give everything. but be sure to encourage your partner to do the same. NOT pressurize. encourage. HDP's… speak to your LDP… and if nothing comes of it… do not sulk. just Love him or her more in a way that says my love for you is not connected to how far you're willing to bend over for me (literally yes) and LDP's speak to your HDP's that sound less like you think of him/her as a vulture waiting for your carcass because honestly, that;s no way to foster Love (and all the things you want from him/her)

    I'm sorry, for the essay, but I truly hope it can help someone out there feel less lost and hopeless than I did after reading this advice.

    A note to Aaron. please forgive me if I have offended you in anwyway. your article has truth to it, but it also encourages a manipulative relationship. I would like to know why the LDP should find a way to keep the HPD happy when there is NO mention of the HDP finding a way to keep the LDP happy. you are encouraging LDP's to allow themselves to be sexually manipulated by one partner who cannot control their feelings of physical desire.

  163. So…
    Dear Men:
    Women understand basic primal needs better than you can imagine. In fact, most women find it a huge turn on when her man is so into her and only her. The problem usually happens when you usually show interest in her as a woman only once you've had your way or it seems like you'll get your way. That sulk when you don't get what you want is equally as revolting to us as when we sulk because we can't go shopping with your hard earned cash. or when we nag and nag and nag you to do something for us. In fact… it's EXACTLY the same. I've read so many advice columns that encourage the female spouse to relax on the nagging and rather positively re-enforce her husband if she wants something done around the house because he is less likely to do it if the nagging goes on and on. Imagine we were to tell you ALL the time: but sweetheart…I have needs. I have desires, take me for a date. once in the morning and once at night is perfectly enough for me. But while we are on the date, I want your FULL attention, and I want you to look as though you're having a great time. even though I know you really don't want to go this morning… because you already told me so. You told me you don't feel well but you can't possibly be feeling that bad, after all, it's just a date so it doesn't really require very much of you… It's EASY. the easiest thing to do.

    I have a wonderful husband. He's a kind man, we were both HDP. then I gave birth and I had a very long labour, I was in deep pain afterwards. He found this sexy for some reason and I was asked to make love to him a couple hours after I returned home from the hospital. For us as women, when something like that is asked of us, it says everything and nothing about a man. It says that this person you put all your trust in would rather have your body regardless of how much pain it can cause you than just take the time to spend it with you healing you. And so many women experience the same when they are ill, feeling unloved. I am deeply saddened that this seems to be something that a woman MUST JUST DO to make her man happy.

    BUT NOW…
    Dear Women
    Your husband/partner/boyfriend has deep complex feelings that are linked to his sexual drive (just as ours are linked to our hormones) we cannot ignore it and we cannot feel like we should withhold it just because he made us unhappy. When my hubby and I were a younger couple, making Love healed whatever wounds we had, and I slowly but surely crept away from him, because of his expectations in me, while all the while holding true to my expectations of him as a husband, a father and a man. Treat your man with loving passion and he will treat you well. Men, treat your women with care and respect and she will treat you well. this is the basis of what we need from each other. My husband always tells me: in life there is no give and take, 50/50. it's only 100/100. and although many days I resent that saying, it is true. there will be times when your partners needs outweigh your own.

  164. Hi Aaron. I came here looking for some real help on this topic and felt a real sense of hopelessness after reading your advice. I at least felt less alone after reading the comments and I read every last one.

    You as so many people have addressed the problem to help ONLY the HDP. As usual…the advice is to basically give it up, give in…your needs are less important.

    I believe that in putting your partners needs first, you will always win. but lately I find that HDP's don't actually do that. There is immense pressure to perform literally from the HDP's side that the LDP is basically forced to just open up and do what is required. Read that previous sentence again. NONE of that makes me feel like it's a loving two-sided relationship.

  165. A previous poster asked. " I would like to know why the LDP should find a way to keep the HPD happy when there is NO mention of the HDP finding a way to keep the LDP happy."

    Because HDP, like the author of this blog, feel entitled to have sex whenever they want it. As if it's a right. The problem is that another person with a mind of their own (not just a body) is involved. And apparently HE thinks LDP don't matter.

    Aaron hasn't answered questions relating to his last post where he said that the LDP should provide a place for the HDP to have sex. He should really explain that one.

  166. Women don't have to justify not being in the mood as often as men. It's the way we are. Period. Men do not have to have sex 4 days a week. They are not owed sex 4 days a week. Any woman that feels obligated to have sex much more than she wants is creating a monster and will also start to dread it and resent him. He won't ever back off. Men do not ever lose the urge. But men can control that urge. If you feed the addiction, it will only get worse. Start off the marriage only having sex when you want. You are just as important as he is.

  167. Women's largest arrogenous zone is their brain. Stimulate that and I'll let him in me and do what ever he wants to me whenever he wants. End of story.

  168. It is amazing how naïve and consistent the female comments are in this blog. Nearly every one of them talk about how unfair it is for women and how tough "we girls" have it. None of you have any comprehension of how it feels to be in a man's body.

    To denigrate men because you believe "he doesn't need it – he won't die" is as insulting as men saying "women don't need love". Men and women of course wont die from lack of either but their lives will become horrible and even unbearable without it.

    You need to wake up to yourself and realise that men and women are different and neither sex can understand how it feels to be in the other's body.

    Instead of trying to work out who's fault it is – the LDP's or HDP's, you need to realise and accept there is actually no solution to this issue – either the woman will be happy having sex when the moment suits (man will be unhappy) or the couple will have sex whenever the man wants (woman will be unhappy)- there is no common ground and you can dress it up any way you want but you can't force what you think is an acceptable amount of sex onto others.

    The only way to get through it is for BOTH parties to try to understand their partners feelings. Neither will get what they want…I REPEAT NEITHER WILL GET WHAT THEY WANT but if you love each other, there will have to be give and take to make the relationship work.

    As hard as it is for women to understand, NO MAN is happy/satisfied/content with having an orgasm 1 or 2 times a week over a long period of time. They are just not wired that way. If men have less they will be unhappy (no matter what they may tell you). As hard as it is for men to understand, NO WOMAN can be happy/satisfied/content with having sex 6 or 7 days a week over a long period of time. There may be occasions when women can have a horny patch and have sex quite a lot over a period of time but for one reason or another, the desire will wane and the usual natural desires of 2 – 10 times per month will return.

    Man's desires WILL NOT CHANGE. Periods, hormones, tiredness, pregnancy, children, housework, income work, WILL NOT change the amount of desire a man has – All of the above WILL change the way a woman desires sex.

    The only way it works is find a partner you love, try to understand what they are going through in their minds/lives and then EACH OF YOU do the best you can to make the other happy. Men will always want more and women will always want less but if you can somehow find a compromise (and still understand and accept that the other may not be totally happy even though you are doing your best)you may just enjoy your relationship a bit more.

    Hope this helps some of you through this horrible mismatch that nature/God has given us mere humans.

  169. My fiance is wayyyy into sex. He wants it 6 times a day with a "weekend marathon". He often says that if i say no I therefore do not love him. I have had the typical 1 in 5 event every girl hates. So when I told my fiance that he could have sex anytime he wanted it was implied it would be with my consent. He actually asked "what if you said no". I automatically flipped out and just got nasty fast. Much like when he says I am very mean to him because sometimes I just want to play video games with him instead. I dont understand why I have to flip out and tear him a new asshole before he says yeah i messed up. Yet he always messes up. I tell him bluntly if you want me to cry and run away keep this up and he feels bad. then its back to damn straight you love me. Can we hanky pank now? I laugh as to keep myself from calling him a bastard. He cries over me saying that, but to force me into sex by guilt is not a problem.

  170. The man above is correct. Men and women are a mismatch sexually. Compromise on both sides is necessary. The thing is, women always have sex when they really don't want to. Men do not appreciate that. They assume that if they enjoy it, so does she. How many of us fake it so as not to be criticized for just laying there? Every woman I know fakes it on a constant basis. It's almost a joke to have to make the man feel like he is such a good lover. Most are not. A woman's idea of a good lover is way different than a man's. It's such a huge mismatch, gay people are really lucky.

  171. Geez – I thought I was alone until I stumbled on this blog. My wife seems to put sex with her husband somewhere just above cleaning the skirting boards but well below watching some re-run of some crappy movie in terms of importance. Initiating sex is apparently MY job, forever. That means of course, that rejection is now MY problem, not hers. Suggesting something new in the bedroom is apparently my job too. Sometimes I really don't like mowing the lawn, going to work, washing the car etc etc but you know what? I do it, even when I don't feel like it because the end result is worth it and not everything is about what I want.

  172. Dear Counselor:

    I feel like I relate to "Nate", the most here. I find myself always wishing, wanting and carefully walking on ice to make the moment happen. I consider myself helpful, like a "Mr. Mom", the kids adore me and I am sensitive to all her struggles and needs. I would move the earth and stars for her. I make every effort to take her out and do little caring things for her almost daily. I have always craved her and she knows it. I have asked for all of the above when it comes to the alternatives to actual intercourse and it either makes her feel "dirty" or not sexy. When we do have sex and it appears to be not pleasurable for her, I cannot continue and I feel guilty, especially, if I didn't realize it. All the no's and unfulfilled promises for later have taken a horrible toll on me! I want her to want me, be passionate and playful, not necessarily leading to sex. I masturbate to relieve my anxiety, but feel guilty because I feel that I do it too much. My asking and wanting has made her pressured and she has told me it turns her off and so I don't. When I try to talk to her sexually, passionately or "create sex in the mind first", before getting physical, I hardly ever get a response or any reciprocal behavior. I can't begin to tell you how lonely, depressed and physically, deranged I feel. I have a beautiful home, awesome kids and an attractive wife, in every way, yet, I cannot have the lover I need. Sex 1-2x, every 1-3 months is not working for me. In the last 2 years, there have been episodes of 5 or 3 months in between, averaging about 7x/year. I am fit, good-looking, tall, talented and fairly well educated, but down in the dumps. The kids see me frequently sad and withdrawn. I wanted you to have an understanding of my background before my question: How do I get her to understand/follow through that my sexual needs (I'll easily take 1-2x/mo.) is necessary and part of the continuity of our marriage? When is it "OK", for me to demand this change? It seems that, if I push the topic, I will, no matter what, come across an insensitive dog and further drive her away.

  173. Demanding is never ok. I am a 39 yr old woman with a sex drive that is not nearly as high as my husbands. You see, women feel really attracted to men at first. The excitement of a new lover being interested in you is a turn on. For awhile. Then, it's not. Been there, done that. The man doesn't understand why she isn't interested anymore. It's not a lack of love. It's not that she is less interested in sex. She never really was all that keen on sex itself. It's the passion that is the turn on. You can't sustain passion in a long term relationship. Men are all about the act of sex. Women are all about the romance and passion.

    I have been married 10 years. We have sex once or twice a week and for me it's just to keep the peace. I miss being turned on by a new lover, but I don't want a divorce. I love my husband and still think he is attractive, but he doesn't turn me on at all anymore.
    Men have to decide if staying with their wife is more important than having frequent sex with a horny partner. Many men abandon their wife and kids for sex. I personally think that is selfish immature and says a lot about the man's lack of character.

    Marriage has advantages, but passionate, frequent sex isn't one. It's a choice for both. If my husband isn't happy with my level of interest, there's the door. I can't change who I am but I feel that twice a week is compromising for both of us. I suggest you have a calm talk with your wife to try to come to a compromise. If she isn't willing to have sex at least twice a month, she may not value the marriage very much. Talk. Don't get angry. Just talk. Show her this blog.

  174. I think allot of you women dont understand what goes on in our heads. Do you think we want to be this way. That we want to be constantly thinking about sex. Its a real problem. I dont want to cheat on my wife. I love her very much. But it physically hurts how much i feel the need for sex and i dont know what to do about it. Ill masterbate but im almost certain its making it worst by making me think of sex that much more. Im only 30 and im afraid that another 20 years of this and i might make a mistake.

    As unfair as it is for us to demand sex from our partners its just as bad for our partners to dismiss it and not try to meet us half way. Ive read allot of conplaining from women having to deal with there mans sex needs. You women have no idea the pain we go through ever day. And unless youve expirienced it yourself youll never get it. I love my wife and i need help. I cant live this way.

    Please excuse my bad spelling and grammer.

  175. You say masterbating makes it worse, that you think about sex more often. That's exactly what happens when women try to satisfy their man by having sex whenever the man wants. The urges grow. They are never satisfied. It IS a problem. It becomes an addiction that's harder and harder to satisfy. No woman wants to deal with that. You give in on Sunday night only to have him talk about it Monday in a way that suggests he will be disappointed if you don't have sex that night. It's a losing battle for women.

  176. Pain? What kind of pain? I mean, many single men from 15 to 90 never have sex. How do they survive? I'm not a man, and I admit I don't know how hard it is to control the urges but many men do it all the time. Does that make them stronger than you? This reminds me of middle eastern men who demand females cover themselves so as not to arouse men. You must think that is a good idea because of your "pain"?

  177. Typical women. Take one word from a comment "pain" and you turn it into what you need to make your point heard. Ialso said i didnt want to be this way and that i needed help. But no i said "pain" so forget everything else.

    Can i get a women willing to help instead of judging me. I want help. Please help me

  178. Can anyone help me? So I’m married to a super hot women. We used to have sex all the time and I mean everywhere before we got married and she used to ask me what I wanted her to do? Just before we got married it started to slow down a lot. When she was tired and it had already been a while I would sometimes hint at oral sex when and she would say we’re not married so I don’t have to do it when you want. Of coarse when we’re married and the same thing happens she gets angry and says I guess I have to do my wifeLy duties and I’ll just tell her forget it and go to bed. When we do make love she would be bothered by things like my breath because I drank 2 beers even after brushing my teethe and chewing gum or that I was going to fast or I started kissing her breasts right away which I now know is a turn off to her. We would argue because she would sigh or just plain not respond to my touch or kisses. I ask or place her hand on my penis so I can have direct contact and she gets bothered by that. Those things affect my erection and when she does finally go to touch it and it’s not all the way hard she makes it uncomfortable and says I have old man problems and how it’s not normal for me to not be fully erect on by her laying naked and that she’s never had that problem from other guys before. I can get an erection quickly but am always worried about being able to keep it without her touching me and especially after seeing that everything I’m trying to do to her to turn her on us not working. Anyways we don’t have sex very often and I still tell her how much I want her and she just makes a face. Just the other day I told her that I’m not happy about her not caring about wanting to be with her and she just says that there are a lot of things I’m not doing and I’m a robotic lover. I failed to mention that she works late night bartending and I work daily getting up at 7 am. The only time we have to make love especially with the kids and after she’s out of work is pretty much at 1 to 2 am. She stays up till 3 or 4 am. I take caffeine pills to stay awake and spend time with her hoping that we can make love a few times a week but by the time I’m completey exhausted and half awake so I probably am robotic. I try to tell her we need to try and make time earlier in the evening but with the kids it’s hard to do. I don’t know what to do. I always ask her what she wants me to do and she gets weird when I ask her that. I would seriously do anything she wants to turn her on. I feel like she’s not attracted to me anymore and now I’m starting to not care anymore. After our last argument we haven’t talked to each other much and don’t even know what to say to her. I don’t know what to do. Please help with any advise. Thanks.

  179. SEX is a great one. Iwonder Who was the first person find it out as scheduled sex!! in a week or thrice ..OMG
    What is this???
    I think women should dress properly without showing their body parts. Saudi arabia is the number one region in the world to have more libido.

    You can may believe it or reject..it's up to you but am talking from the many years of experience as an expat in KSA. The libido I get in Saudi I never get anywhere in the world.

    Again, sex is great..do it anywhere , any time, any palce you like (i don't meant in public palce). …

    One more thing: stop working 12, 15 hours in 24 hrs. You are in this world not only to work but care your family, neighbours, community and all…alll

    Do your duty (in private / public sector) perfectly. if the duty hrs are 8 hrs work 8 hrs continously and go home
    have fun
    see your kids and wife ..
    at last enjoy a very good sex
    all the best
    Nasser (Cochin,India)

  180. The problem that many may not understand is that men and women are genetically programmed to seek sex all of the time. For hundreds of thousands of years, humans were polyamorous. Now, in the past few thousand years, religious ideologies have come into play, directly impacting social norms. We have monogamy now, and people are considered cheaters for doing things that are natural. Societal expectation is not always in line with the best way you could conduct your life.

  181. What kind of help are you looking for? How to get your wife to be in the mood more often? My advice is to meet her after work on Friday for a glass of wine or two. New surroundings may help and the wine definitely will. If you need sex more than once on the weekend, maybe ask her for a quickie once midweek. If that's not enough, maybe seek professional help.

  182. Women do not seek sex all of the time. Men do for sure. Men can make babies daily. Women can only make babies once a year and then have to care for that baby. We aren't machines. If you want to be monogamous, you have to accept the differences. You can't force a woman to want and like sex like a man.

  183. To men: women aren't men. They aren't into the sex act like you. At first, the excitement is a turn on. That fades in any relationship. The same thing fails to be a turn on.

    My advice: change it up. Rent a nice room. Meet for a glass of wine before going to the room.

    I understand that this can't happen more than once a month. The other days, keep lights low, take the time to create a sexy environment and change up your routine. The same old, same old is tiresome. Your body and the act of sex alone isn't exciting enough. Please don't do and say the same things over and over again. Ugh!

    Women aren't men so stop assuming they should be.

  184. Most men are horrible at pleasing a woman. But even if I were married to a good lover, 4 times a month is plenty. Any more than that becomes annoying as crap. You turn sex into a chore and it's downhill from there. Men are usually poor lovers AND they make sex a chore by demanding it too often.

  185. I married to my 6 yr love(wen i was 16nd he was 23) a month ago .we hv gud undrstndg we enjoyng sex even continue for 3hrs..we lv each othr.but wenever I did it regulr mostly I dnt hv in mood to eat food I reduce eatng and feel illness

  186. I married to my 6year lv just before a month ago I m of 22 and he is 28 we enjoying the sex Always..we love each other..we do it even continue for 3 hrs but I felt wenevr I did it regular reduced to eat food and felt illness…

  187. I'll just say this. All you women need to get a clue. Period. End of story. No need to even post any comments after this one. If this is what you people really believe about sex, then don't get married, and if you are, get a divorce.

  188. As if the reply article wasn't bad enough, "divorce him?" Man, not any good advice here.
    Women, we're here to please men.
    What happens when our husband becomes impotent? Permanently injured or disfigured? Divorce him them? Maybe there's some sort of sign those couples use, too

  189. When I got with my girlfriend in 2006 we made love 2-3 times a day nearly every night in all positions and yes she was self conscious about her body so she would leave her top on and have a bottle of wine to get her going affter a few months of love making in the dark with a top on she took it off then the love making decreased in frequency to 2-3 a week then 1 a week, we have had children and yes love making got pushed to the bottom of the barrel, but it came to a point were I would have to ask for it and it made me feel cheap having to ask for it and now it's at a point where I just wait and see if I am allowed it or not it's never spontaneous it's always planed but most of the time doesn't happen and it's always in the mistonary potion and there has been time where it's felt like a chore and a waste of time, like she just wants a wam bam thankyou man, in and out as quickly as possible

  190. I don't know why all you females complain about sex. Why can't you be happy he wants to have sex and make love to YOU and not another women. And when he cheats or has an affair you make him out to be the biggest scum there is, it's not his fault that he loves you so much he can't go without you sexually. I promise all of you that he doesn't want sex all the time just because he's horny. If that was the case he wouldn't have married you in the first place he would be finding someone new every night. And to those of you who say you don't like how he gets upset when you deny him,of course he's going to be upset! No matter how nicely you put it, he's going to feel unwanted by you and maybe give you the silent treatment for a few days or not engage in activities with you because when you deny a man that's like spitting in his face, whether you believe me or not. Quite honestly, if you don't like the fact that he wants to constantly be intimate with you, don't be with him because I promise you he's just as unhappy as you are. He always wants sex, you never want sex, it's just not going to work out because sex is called making love for a reason. Because when you have sex all you can feel is love for that person and that person is the only one one your mind. If not, you shouldn't even be together. When it comes down to it that's the man YOU married and if you can't except him for who he is, than don't keep the leesh of marriage around his neck. Now that I think about it, you females complain he always wants sex and he complains you never want sex. In other terms he wants you more than you want him, even if that's not the case I promise you that's what he's thinking and love only goes so far before you just can't take it anymore. Hope this made some of you at least think a little about how maybe he feels and how quite frankly, inconsiderate you are of his needs and as his partner your job is to satisfy those needs as his job is to satisfy yours. I'm sure he's the one working and paying the bills so cut him some slack, if he wants to take out some of his stress out on you in the bedroom, why is it such a big deal. If its six in the morning and your really not in the mood, promise him you will have sex later that day when your ready and awake,and maybe promise him a little something extra to give him something to look forward to rather than just saying "get off me I'm not in the mood" That will put any man in a rotten mood. Well there's so much more I could say but I'm going to stop here. Appreciate your man because he does a lot for you and he doesn't ask for a single thing except maybe a back rub or sex or something of that nature which just shows that you love him. Because your love and loyalty is all guys really want in a relationship/marriage. If not they wouldn't have settled down in the first place.

  191. sex 3 per week = great marriage
    sex 1 per week = good marriage
    sex 1 per month = your busy
    sex 1 per year = youre not trying
    no sex = choice

    There's levels to attain in marriage and not everyone can attain it. If its not for you or in your cards then its not. Get over it and join a book club. If it is working and both parties are working at attaining greatness then there's nothing like it.

  192. Chase Frament?
    I like some of ur ideas…I hate one: you're sure he's the one working and paying the bills? That doesn't happen anymore,it's the 21th century for Gods sake!
    Anyway…I need an advice please.
    I got divorced,awful marriage and sex…my first time and I already hated it. 3 years ago I met the love of my life,we're married for almost 1 year now,everything is wonderful but our sex life is difficult because he has a large member?(sorry I don' tknow the english word for "pene" in SpAnish….Bolivian girl still learning english). He hurts me and I can't do it as much as he wants….of course I want it to because the sex is amazing…but …every day 3 times a dAy? It's impossible to me.
    Anyone help us,I beg u,we are only 27 and 25. Thanks a lot 🙂

  193. See here's my thing about all off this.first this is a very common problem I'm in a similar situation and my thing is if the guy is letting you kno that sex is something he likes and often then wouldnt it bring easy to fix the problem?? And I'm not saying just lie on your back and take it but is @15-30 tops too much to ask for out of your day.. I mean if u look at sex as a chore then that's a problem because just like in the beginning of the relationship I'm pretty sure there was a lot of sex… So now that hes hook and your tired he's just suppose to drop his sex drive too??

  194. My spouse and I have a decent relationship. We work well together for our life home, kids, etc. Yet we are both frustrated with our sex life. We are both happy after sex, but it is boring and I can just not get it to be better.
    We had been together for 4 years separated for 2 now back together for almost a year. My spouse is not that experienced, and is not good with new ideas. (Although he is 7 years older than I) In fact when ever i request ideas or try anything i get it thrown at me in shit talking later. Example with toys he gives me guilt. I tell him all the gooey love stuff that he great i love him blah blah. But then left with the same sex.
    I don't know how else to say it but honestly I thought he may had changed his perspective having other chic's during our break up but he is only open to our normal sex. With this I am beginning to almost avoid sex by falling asleep reading to our kids in their bed etc. But avoiding it and having sex once a week is not healthy for our relationship nor are we satisfied with only that. We both want sex but just cannot "get on the same page,or even in the same book".
    Is there hope, any advice/suggestions?

  195. I have been married for just a year and I don't think I'll ever get bored with having sex with my husband. In fact, he has a hard time keeping up with me! We were both virgins when we married, but we had no problem unleashing our inner freak. If I had it my way, I'd have it twice a day-one in the morning to wake me up and once at night to put me to sleep. I love all the different positions and if he wants something extra I don't mind putting it in my mouth on turning over. I want to make sure my hubby is thoroughly pleased! I'll even role play and act out his fantasies. If he wants me to stroke him to get him started up or if he needs to feel my breasts, it's no problem. And he also sees to it that I'm satisfied. If he wants me to ride it or grind on it, why not? I love opening up my vulnerabilities to him and let him enter. I JUST LOVE THAT! And I am sure to make it hot for him by putting a little natural audio on it or pulling him closer. And when he "releases" I love hearing him lose himself in pleasure as he moans and pants. It's absolutely amazing!!! I even think about having sex with him and different ways to please him while I'm at work. Yup, I love having sex with him, and he loves having sex with me.

    To the person who wrote this article I strongly advice you to, well, give it up whenever he wants it and make it hot. A wife who won't do this can inadvertantly make her husband stray outside the marriage. 2 or 3 times a week is not too much to ask for. If there is something you don't like about sex, tell him. He won't know until you do. My husband and I talked about sex all the time in the beginning. Trust me, there were never any major complaints, but it went from really good to perfect. You both gotta be open to communication.

    I got hot and bothered just writing all this. I wish my hubby would wake up and give me some. I just gotta have it, and he knows where to put it.

  196. Is there such a thing as Hyperactive sexual disorder?

    I'm wondering if all these guys that need sexual connection with their wives, more often than the wife can reasonably accommodate, actually have a problem.

    Perhaps they should get some therapy and learn alternative methods (other than sex) to build some internal self esteem so they can feel good about themselves without making their excessive insecurities their wives responsibilities. Perhaps they could learn alternative ways (other than sex) to feel connected to their wife that she might also enjoy. Take the pressure off of sex being the only way to express love.

    Coming together for some nice shared love making is one thing, but when a person "can't get enough", or their wife is getting irritated or exhausted by their behavior, red flags of "we have a problem" start flashing everywhere.

    In my opinion only, I truly believe, we as a society, expect sex to fill way too many roles. Sex can be wonderful but it can also become a burden when it becomes overemphasized or used as a form of self validation.

  197. Wow…you pretty much just wrote down everything I'm thinking. After a while you just give up trying to fix it. The reality of knowing it will never get better, but only worse, is fuckin depressing! Yet you have to spend the rest of your life with this situation. It makes you wonder why you even have balls and a dick….they're only there to make your life miserable!

  198. I came across this blog while trying to find help for myself. I haven't read most of the replies (there's way too many), but I see a lot from women frustrated with their partners high sex drive. I am a guy who is really trying very hard to not be the same type these women are frustrated with. I've been with my wife for 3 years now. She's 26 and I'm 30. As with pretty much every other relationship, ours started off hot and heavy. Lots of sex, it was like we couldn't get enough of each other. Over time, it has been dwindling down gradually. I love her, she is the perfect woman in every way. She's caring, outgoing, hard working, and beautiful. The only thing is that she doesn't desire the sex part of our relationship nearly as much as I do. She says that sex still has deep meaning to her and she enjoys it very much, and I honestly believe her, but it only happens 7-8 times a month now. We've had a few discussions about the issue, some have gotten a little heated, but not too bad. I like to keep it open and hear her side of the situation, and she listens to mine. After several different attempts to improve our sex frequency, I've noticed it just goes back to the way it was, even a little worse. We don't really talk about it much any more, because I've stopped bringing it up. I hate feeling like I'm MAKING her do it to make me happy! It makes me feel like a big, stupid, horny ogre. Where the big problem is for me, however, is the frustration I feel from not get getting sex as often as I'd like. I know that she loves me very much, but getting rejected or ignored sexually makes me feel unloved. I know this is a stupid way to think, but I can't seem to help it. It makes me so depressed and sad. I start to worry about it just getting worse in the future. I try to hide all of this from her though. I don't want her to feel guilty or obligated. It really sucks and makes my heart physically hurt. She's asked me many times "what's wrong" and I just lie and say "nothing, I was just thinking about something I need to do" (or something like that). I know I could tell her the truth, but is it going to accomplish anything productive? Most likely not. So basically, I think I have a problem. I think I have a sexual addiction problem. If I'm not getting sex, I'm jerking off. It's absolute torture for me to go more than 2 days without getting off somehow. I don't think it's normal any more. I really wish I could change it, but I don't know how to get through the resulting depression, anger, and withdrawal. Anybody with any advice please? Asking out is my last resort before going to seek the expensive professional advice. I don't want to loose her. I don't want her to be unhappy in this relationship, but can she truly be happy if I'm not? I don't think so.

  199. Ladies – I empathize. I lived for 16 years with my bf/husband until I realized he was a sex addict. Believe me, for the first several I was all into "connecting" in various different ways including sex. I would agree to sex even when I was totally disinterested. If at any point in time, I admitted I was not interested, I was called names such as "asexual", "old", "tight ass," and "miserable" to name a few. The disrespect, disregard for my feelings, and threats to "get it somewhere else" were appalling. He considered three/four times a week as if it was nothing and if he couldn't come due to alcohol,and I was rubbed raw, those times "didn't count." I felt resentful and used. He would lick me for nearly an hour. It felt like I was being licked by a dog. I was unable to fake enjoying that. My lack of enjoyment made him angry and after sex, he would call me names. Now, why in the world would anyone enjoy being used, disregarded, disrespected and emotionally abused? Sex with him was not connection. It was abuse. It felt impersonal and 100% on his terms. Penetration became rote, meaningless and repulsive to me. It was as if he just wanted any "hole" to put it in. My individual personality, brain, & feelings meant nothing. The last 5 of 16 yrs were hell. Then I found out he had been cheating for those last 5. We were in our 40s and he was picking up hookers and young girls off the streets. I divorced him immediately and am still horrified to this day. Knowing I actually thought there was something wrong with "me." People laugh about sex addiction but its no joking matter. It ruined what otherwise could have been a beautiful relationship. He's only 47 so there are many other young naive female victims in his path. People need to realize that sex addicts are much more common than they think. Those giving advice on sex and relationships must rule out sex addiction first. Otherwise it appears like a two-way street and the addict's victim-blaming gets supported.

  200. These last two comments are interesting to me.

    I do wonder about the male commenters who feel that they need sex daily or even two to three times a week or they get depressed and feel like they are going to lose their minds.

    Before birth control, the only way to keep from getting pregnant was abstinence. That meant often weeks, if you include period time, that partners went without sex.

    Was every male on earth depressed and angry?
    What has changed? Why do men now expect to receive all the sex they want? Since birth control, our society has forgotten that sex wasn't always an option when ever you felt the urge or desire.
    Why were men able to cope back then but now feel deprived?

    Are we needlessly making ourselves miserable by connecting our self esteem with how much sex we are receiving?

    I don't know the answer but I often wonder about it.

  201. I'm a woman in the same boat with all these men. Married 20 years…I'm so frustrated, angry. Really tired of trying to initiate sex only to get shot down. I can't even imagine turning down sex from my man. I'm in shape, good looking. He's just a work aholic. I feel connected, loved and desired if we have sex. He'd like it 2x wk..I'd like it everyday. I'm really at a loss on this but I really understand how these men feel. It sucks!! Being told no so many times, hurts. I just wish I could stop thinking about sex and never desire it again bc rejection hurts so bad! Also there is no medical reason. If I stopped asking or approaching him for it, I'm sure he'd be happy.maybe I'm putting to much pressure on him. Idk…I just keep thinking what's wrong with me!!

  202. Are we needlessly making ourselves miserable by connecting our self esteem with how much sex we are receiving?

    IMO…My self esteem is NOT connected with HOW MUCH SEX I'm receiving..BUT HOW MANY times I've been rejected by my husband. I have tried to get my husband into "other ways of bonding together" But to be realistic ALL of those other ways I could be doing with anyone else. Also, the comment about what did men do before "birth control" and now that BC is available they expect to receive sex all the time. I would say, what did we do before electricity?? We did fine..So shut yours off for weeks at a time. just because its available 24/7 doesn't mean you should need or use it! IMO, Love is putting the other person's "NEEDS" before yourself. My husband see's no need to change in this area because HIS NEEDS are being met..mine aren't.

  203. True story, not one person here is an expert, wake up people. There isn't one person out there that knows everything there is to know about this subject. Everyone here is capable of giving advice, so give your advice and quit arguing, it's up to the individuals in the relationships to decide what's right for them. You people, just cause something worked for you or was right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone. Move along with your lives.

  204. I am a Man trying to figure out why My wife after 11 Years don't want to have have sex with me anymore. 2-3 times a weeks would be great. I would be happy with 1. I realized one thing about Women. Before Marriage they want sex all the time with you. They make BS comments that this is how our life together is going to be full of love and love making. I found out that all this is a rouge. I am sure all women who are posting in hear who don't like sex from there partner did the same thing. They say one thing and do another. You talk to them and they say I prefer this or Like being touched this way. I try to change and figure out what is wrong and help fix what ever why she is no longer in the mood to be intimate with me. I start doing what she wants then the requirement change again. I found out Women want to put on an illusion that they are loving and caring and they desire you but just not in the mood. Women will have sex with you at the beginning of the relationship so they can build up your trust so you want to marry them. Once there in the Marrying game then the rules change because they have you by the testicles. You don't listen to me or do what I want then well I am not in the mood for making love to you. Men are not the manipulators. We are very simple minded. Wake up, go to work, think about our wives, tave conversations with our wives, Eat together, Do things together, then lets make love or get intimate. Heck lets just have a make out session let just do something. but Women will use Sex at a weapon and use Love as manipulation weapons to control. Women like everything to be so dam complicated. Just enjoy your Man as any little love you will show your man will go along way. Don't use it as a tool to get your way. You just need to look into your mans eyes and you can see the love that he has for you. If you truly love someone and that person wants to be intimate with you then why the hell not. I am sure there are time you looked at you Man and need something at some point and i am sure there was not hesitation from your man because he love you. Do the same in return. That is what love is ; Fulfilling your mates every desire, isn't it??

  205. Ok this is the bog I have been looking for!
    My husband and I were Highschool sweethearts. I met him when I was 13.
    We had our oldest daughter when I was 15 and my son when I was 18 and our youngest daughter when I was 20. We split up when I was 21 and rekindled about two years ago after 10 years of being apart. He had had a daughter with another woman but she now lives with us.
    We decided to tie the knot last May and ever since our relationship has taken a horrible turn. He loves sex. Loves it. I did too, but he is a different person if I say no. Him and I never had problems in the past about sex in any way shape or form. Now we are in our middle 30's and life is busy with 4 kids and full time jobs and bills and keeping up with the house…the usual American Dream (lol) Anyway, I do not want sex at all now. I know why but I cannot fix it . He is obsessed with it. Here is my story….

    When we got back together in February of 2013, we had sex like rabbits. ALL THE TIME. I loved it. I loved him. One night we were getting it on and out of his mouth came "You need to do better, my ex does a better job then you" I was mortified. Never had he spoken to me this way. He had a few drinks that night and I blamed it on the alcohol and still lived life as usual afterwards but the words havent left my head. My husband is a major groper, major, and it gets old. I cannot be around him at all without him groping every sexual area of my body and I started feeling like a blowup doll and it sickens me. I am growing very tired of it. He is always referencing sex and things you do during sex in every conversation and I started not wanting it. Yes I did not want to sleep with him. it felt too routine. Soon he started asking me and when I responded no or not tonight babe, he would call me a punk out of anger and tell me to F-off. This is still going on. I still give in at least 2 to 3 times a week but now, Like the comments I have read above, DREAD IT! He told me one day that he was going to find someone else. I feel like he just keeps hurting me and cares more about his satisfaction than me. I need help guys. I am at a complete loss of what to do here. I am depressed and hurt. Last night he tried to climb on me when I was just falling asleep and I told him not tonight babe and he go mad and slept on the couch. HELP!

  206. I understand. I am 41..my husband is 40. He drinks, can't hold down jobs..and demands sex everyday. If he does not get it he screams, throws and breaks things and sometimes is physically abusive. I work..keep jobs and help raise our two girls. I feel so alone and ashamed..I really don't love him..just hard to get out finacially.

  207. I am sorry to say this but eventually the partner who is left unsatisfied will find someone that will fulfill their needs, and they should. It isn't your right to destroy his sex life. This is why there are so many single/divorced lonely women and so many married older men. You are a starter wife and the real wife will satisfy your man in ways you never would. Then they will eventually live the life you have been living and you will be jaded cause your ex is having the fulfilling life you wouldn't give.

  208. To Anonymous Feb. 21,

    My understanding of marriage is that a sex life is a shared pleasure. What I hear you saying is that if a wife cannot give you as much sex as you feel you deserve that she is destroying "your" sex life?

    It's that kind of attitude that causes women to leave their man and never remarry because in reality, most women can live in bliss without sex. Most men need a woman in their lives because they can't live without sex. That's why you often see men remarry and women not.

    There are never any guarantees the second wife will be able to keep up with your demands either.
    Actually, there are no guarantees that you won't get ED and not be able to perform. There are no guarantees in life period (except death and taxes).
    Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first timers. I wonder why?

    There is no way that two people can have exactly the same sex drive. That's why there are so many issues around sex in a marriage. Sorry to say, when it comes to sex in marriage there has to be some compromising. It is a shared sex life that you have to develop and mold together. You've got to figure out a way where both people feel comfortable with the plan.

    Maybe it would be easier if we had written rules regarding sex in marriage like:

    There will be sex once a week on Saturday night only.

    That way everybody will have the same amount of sex as everybody else. It's the rules so some would have more sex than they would like, some would have less sex than they would like but nobody would go without sex in marriage.

    Marriage would have a built in compromise and nobody would have to talk to each other about it.

    Just a thought.

  209. There is a fine line between sexual emotional bonding and sexual emotional Neediness.

    Sexual Emotional Bonding is two people coming together with equal feelings of giving to each other.

    Sexual Emotional Neediness is a one sided emptiness that demands or begs for filling from another.

    Sexual Emotional Bonding turns each other on.

    Sexual Emotional Neediness is a turn off to the one being hounded for attention.

    Bonding is beautiful.

    Neediness is unbecoming and exhausting.

    Sorry to say, it is the LDP in the relationship that ends up defining the line between bonding and neediness.

  210. Hi Aaron,

    Thank you for all the advices. I am married since a few months only and I am the HDP wife in the relationship. My husband would prefer to watch porn and masturbate rather than having sex. He would purposely stay up late or wake up quietly at night to go and surf porn evdn though I asked him to have sex a couple of hours ago. I caught him watching porn after sex one night and I was hurt as I feel I can't satisfy him. His way of making love to me seems more to be as "porn sex" rather than making love.
    He said that if he doesnt surf porn he feels less like having sex and he comes very fast. The moment I leave the house or I sleep he would just surf porn and refuse to have any sex if I asked him maybe before leaving the house. I see a lot of porn stuff in his phone hidden gallery, youtube saved stuffs, vimeo, dropbox continuously updated maybe every day or every second day.
    I have seen in his phone previously that he had videos of he filming under girls skirt very closely and gollowing them using secret camera and when I confronted him he stopped(dunno how much he really stopped).
    He is a pervert who like to really NOT take a glimpse but sometimes stare at a girls short shorts or upskirt or downblouse slip.
    I am lost as to why he would prefer to masterbate over these things and NOT Have sex. Guys will always watch porn but his is too excessive. He can do that few times a day :(. I want him to significantly decrease those. I talked to him directly before there seem to be no change. I also caught him masturbating over his friends photo a lot of times(when I see the search log) but refuse to have sex. The thing is that a lot of times though I love him I feel like ending the marriage because of above reason. Few times after marriage he asked me to go away and he doesnt feel anything for me. Then another day after he said that he would say, he loves me. Not a single cent was contributed by him for our wedding and engagement and I feel I made a big mistake here.

    The thing is that I am not bad looking and there are guys going after me. Whenever he sees a guy looking or staring at me he will quickly hug me but whn there is no one staring he seems to NOT even be interested to hold hands or whatever.
    Is it I don't understand guys because he says whatever he does is very normal and I do not know a lot of guys that is why I say certain things.

    Please help. Thank you.

  211. Aaron,
    This might not go over well to the sex-hating females, but here I go.
    First off both my Ex-Wife and Ex-Girlfriend lured me into thinking I would have imamate sex on a regular basis. I heard this from both of them before I married the wife, and lived with the other. “If you want it honey just ask” and for the first 2 years of the relationship it was great.
    Prior to these two relationships, I really never had any problems getting a casual partner whenever I needed it. Both Ex-Partners led me on to believe that the benefit of having an imamate partner that provided sex anytime, would trump my casual partners.
    As I said I’m a confident alpha-male with sexual needs that can be met with a phone call, and now after being married, or living together the game changes, and all of a sudden “MR. Fuzzy” (vagina) gets held for ransom. All of a sudden I’m a sex addict and have as serious problem. “Wait hold the phone who changed here?” Yes you did my game-changing Exes and became like the Antarctic under the sheets. I remember one time one EX wouldn’t look me in the eye, she just turned her head to the side and said “HURRY UP” like she was doing me a favor.
    I have since not allowed a serious, or casual girlfriend to live with me. Now as a result of My Exes frigidity any girlfriends I’ve had since, now have their own place. I admit it’s dysfunctional, but now if she feels the need to say no to sex, for no valid reason, she can go home. Since I removed the leverage used by some women I find it much easier to manage, and they can leave. I don’t have divorce them or move them out.
    So you frigid women on this blog that use sex as a weapon do us so called sex addicts favor and keep your vagina to yourself. Go ahead and keep believing that you have only vagina in the world. For you men that put up with their excuses not to have sex, take back you balls, and send them packing to frigid land. Guys know this there are plenty of women that will take care of you needs.

  212. My husband and I have been together over 4 years. We have an amazing sex life! Almost too amazing… we have sex every day and sometimes twice a day. I love this! But, if he's ready to go and I'm half asleep and not completely functioning (brain wise) he gets frustrated and sleeps on the couch. He's never hit me or or yelled, but when I approach him asking why did you sleep on the couch? His response is usually, I hate my sex drive. it's too much, I never want sex again. ect…and he's depressed and is silent all day or until we have sex again. Then hes the man I know and love! His solution is he wants to do something so his sex drive completely goes away. I don't want this to happen. I love and enjoy sex with him. I don't mind having sex everyday, and it's not a chore. But my husband feels like he bugs me all the time for sex and that's whats making him depressed. He feels like he will eventually push me away with how much sex he wants. When it's the complete opposite for me! The more sex the better! I've tried talking to him about this but it's not really working. Is there anything else you can think of that I can do?

  213. I've been with my wife about 13 years, married about 8 years, we have 2 children. In the beginning sex was good, I always wanted it she seemed to as well but slowly her interest declined. Our sex life has been a problem between us now for about 7 years. I love sex I would have it every day if I could but that's not realistic, but my wife's idea about how often we should have it is also not realistic. Forcing someone to have sex is wrong and being nagged for it at 4am is a bit much but at the same time expecting someone to stay in a marriage with little sex is wrong as well. How often did you have sex before you got married ?. Do you think your partner would have married you and had kids with you if they had known what was going to become of the relationship?. If you dislike your partner so much you don't want to have sex with them do them a favour and divorce them let them be happy with someone who wants them! Like it or not when ppl get married they tend to think a decent sex life is part of the deal.

  214. From a man s point of view its like women drain out there freakness with other jerks and give "The One" the short end of the stick when it should be the other way around. And they get mad at us for wanting and desire them all the time, but as some as we look at another women or a woman shows us attention they get mad. If the other guys can smile and get a one night stand. Then the one that takes care of you should have have it any time they want. I believe that it has to do with control. And that is why women get mad. I hate control I buck at it. If I can't control you then don't control me

  215. Yall get more and then you have another thing and another . I'm 110 % my wife's distance from every angle . I love her and do anything to see even a smile and I mean the cook cle an fix build all . But something is not enough ? Self-esteem gone

  216. I feel the same way…I dread it, mostly because he expects it. He doesn't do anything to turn me on. If the reader complained about 2-3 times a week, try 5 times in a 7 day period. Some day even twice, but "I should be happy", right?? (Sarcastic ) After all after 7 years into the relationship, who has sex this much?

  217. There are a lot of comments here. I haven't read through all of them, but I do have a question: all the posts I've read say "I don't want sex, why doesn't my partner respect that?" For the HDL, what are they to do when they need sex? My husband will go for 3-4 months without sex. When I bring it up he'll refuse or he'll roll his eyes, sigh loudly and say "fine. Come on then." I understand it is the HDL's responsibility to respect the LDL but what's the LDL's responsibility to the HDL? Is it just like "Look I don't want to have sex with you ever. Respect that and be happy." I feel depressed, disconnected, unwanted, basically like I'm sexually starving. Every time he rolls his eyes, pushes me off, pulls me away from him by my hair should I just say "thank u sir may I have another?"
    What's the HDL to do for her needs?

  218. Women are selfish cold and evil.they all want relationships to thrive and be romantic fun and sexy. When the role of the wife comes out they are angry so spoiled heartless. Most don't deserve the husbands they have.

  219. I have a question these are my issues too and I've felt all these things,him watching porn so forth, I suppose if he could just stop asking me to tell him sex stories of all the men in my life before him and I have asked many times – to no avail, I've been making them up now I've run out –then he says did u really do all that, I hate all this. He says I know u must've f*** this one or that one, everyone when we were separated and I never did, but he wants all my stories to be real it sickens me to have to relive past sexual boyfriends or lovers with the man I'm married to there are too may people in our bed with the online porn he watches right beforehand added to my stories.. Help please

  220. No, you're not wrong for not wanting to have sex when your sick. When you're ill, you need rest, not to be pounded on by some inconsiderate fuck. If that were me, that'd be break up worthy. Id do it on the spot. If a guy can't be considerate of you when you're sick, he sure as hell won't do it when you're well

  221. First of all, everyone is only speaking to fellow "posters". This is quite an old thread and Aaron has not responded (nor probably read) in a long while. I was quietly reading until I came across the most recent, and possibly most ignorant, comment. I suppose I am one of the "selfish, cold and evil" (pardon my correction of punctuation within quotation marks….just can't help it! lol) women….maybe we are just mistaken when it comes to the "role of the wife"? Perhaps we've ingested too many Lifetime movies or had one too many conversations with our female co-workers…surely that MUST be it! Under no circumstances should a woman be allowed to deny herself to a man….after all, we were placed here to serve you (or service you), correct? You, as our husbands, are of much higher value in society and, therefore, in our homes, too. We should succumb to your every need, willingly and without hesitation….otherwise we will be known as selfish…cold…evil. Well f*** you, buddy!!!…and, with that one-sided and completely foolish thinking, I'm guessing you could probably use it 😉
    I am a full-time working wife and mother. I am not selfish, cold or evil…I am tired! Back in the stone age (where you probably would have flourished!), women did not have to assume the role as both wife and bread-winner. Understand that stress has quite an affect on libido. How dare you state that a woman is a complete negativity and undeserving simply because she is not tearing her husband's clothing off in the driveway…? It is fools like you that continue to poison society and are unrelenting in making women feel like a failure in their marriages. I am sorry for whomever has caused you to be so bitter, but do yourself and everyone else a favor – spew your stupidity elsewhere! People who have saught out this thread are hoping for advice. They are seeking guidance to salvage their relationships; not longing to read idiotic posts about non-sense that neither helps or hinders a thought.

    • According to Scripture, do not deny each other. Neither spouse has the right to deprive. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)

  222. I'm on the other side of your experience. I have a low drive and have done everything your wife has done (list of excuses). It's so hard to say 'no' and reject someone you love so you look for excuses like it will make it better. It won't, it's just as hurtful, if not more so because then your partner is creating reasons, almost lying, even if they are convinced of their excuse. Reading how you feel has broken my heart because I know that's how my fiance feels. I imagine how I would feel being rejected and it would hurt me terribly, never mind being rejected so often that you come to expect it or are on a roller coaster where you never know what's gonna happen.

    I will definitely take advice from this article. The people complaining about it and the patriarchy are correct but only in that women are taught since forever that sex is all a man wants, sex is something that will be taken from you, that you won't enjoy, but that simultaneously you mustn't be frigid and you need to put out to get a man. When you finally have a relationship with someone you love, you think thank God, now I don't have to do THAT anymore. Crux of the issue: men are taught sex is fun, whereas women are taught sex is dangerous, dirty, and something to be suffered through. Is it any wonder we're on a different page?

    I know that I'm going to make a big effort to change my attitude and stop seeing sex as a chore, but as a way of connecting with my partner (which is all he wants!) and of having fun. I don't want him to feel how you felt anymore and I don't want to be unfulfilled in my relationship. I need to get past my own notions and start viewing sex in a new light.

  223. I've been married to my wife for almost a year now. Started out great and we had sex everyday because we both wanted to, we loved each other. I would do anything for my wife then because I connected with her, loved, and knew that she really cared about me. I got into this marriage thinking she loved sex as much as I did and we'd both keep each other pleased. Well, something happened and she no longer wants it hardly at all. I am the one who initiates all the time and she makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem. I don't even want to ask anymore. As a result of all this I've gotten lazy. I don't do any favors for her aside from work and come home and enjoy my "me" time.

    We've tried talking about numerous times. It always comes to the same conclusion, I'm the one at fault and I need to stop wanting it all the time. You ladies have to understand that if you aren't keeping your husband satisfied in bed then your marriage is going to be miserable. marriage is about doing anything for your significant other and putting them before yourself. Why should we feel awful for actually wanting to do what married couples do?

    For all you men who are considering mistresses or cheating, youre no better. If you intend to hurt your spouse like that then you should cut your losses and just divorce. Try your best to talk it out and compromise. Don't try to just get it your way. I've talked about it with my wife and she's not budging, she even reccomends counseling. unless I go to counseling and have sex with her there it's not going to change anything. I've tried adjusting to my wife's needs and wanting it less. I can't do it, I'm always irritated and mad at her for not caring. The next step for me is to tell her I'm callin it quits. There's no point in being with someone if neither of you aren't happy. Just don't cheat on her, you're a coward if you do that and are no better then she is.

  224. Wow… I have read a lot of comments on here and sad to say I am going through the same thing. my husband is a sex addict, he told me he could have it 3 times a day, he has also starting taking a pill for sexual enhancement, performance & pleasure.. He hates it when I get my periods which makes me feel bad when I get them. If I don't have sex with him he gets angry. He also wanted me to have a 3some with him and another guy. He has asked me me for this on several occasions & also got angry with me because I told him this is not what I wanted and he would say, can't you just do it once for me. He also what's to hear about my past sexual expirments and wants to know all the details, this makes me feel sick. What makes it even worse is that he is a very jealous man.I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have 2 children. He thinks that if I don't always have sex with him that there is something going on and I am either seeing someone else or I want too. He also likes to use cucumbers and massive dildos and I don't feel comfortable but I do it to keep him happy. I also have a cyst on my ovary which is not always comfortable during sex. Sorry if I have written a few things in here that no one wants to hear, I can say this is just a few things he does there is more but I will not say. I hope some comments will help me decide what I need to do. I love my children and I know they they love there dad but I need to be happy too.

  225. Wow bro she a hot bar tender and not giving it up I say u do what I'm doing dnt ask just see how long before she does anything and if u haven't already keep date of last time since tweek off to get u by or what ever if it starts getting to the late 2wk 3 wk margin u need to think about getn a new lady take ur chances being single being single is the only way u shld have to go that long with out get a side chick spend all your D giving to her only and diss your wife like she do you….watch how much of a problem it will be then lastly leave her and the side chick relationships are overrated u shld no this by now

  226. I just turned 30 and is going through this same issue I have been married since 07 and before that I used to cheat because I wanted other females simply put.. I got caught a cpl times then we got married I never cheated once married until last year after several convos of this issue I found my self the one always asking for sex never her..and I hit the same excuses u females on here claim tired stressed at work etc calling it right now BS…see I'm not attracted to my wife at all anymore and for a long while now yrs… She is over weight and is in no way eye candy but I been here and faithful until last yr… On my birthday at that…yep not even on my birthday.. I say you b's need to kill your self chances are like my situation u pressured yo man into marriage now u ain't giving up the goods like a good wife shld…and want to be mad when u get cheated on and yes she will be better lookn than u… and how dare the one comment about ur man getn mad when u masterbate and u saying u need your privacy with yo own body SMH you not giving da As but you masturbating I hope yo man dump yo as…back to me my wife always crank an attitude when I ask for sex sometimes I say F.U then and she be like come on hurry up still with attitude and deal with attitude noises during telling me to hurry up Sometimes I still take it and make it my personal business to destroy the vagina idc il ram in as hard as I can non stop til the vagina dripping suds and I dam near kill my self I be so out of breath have her running frm the D…then go slp on the couch and dnt spk to her to make her feel like whore after I finish….I dnt want to do her like that but it's personal when u a wife and ain't giving it up to us man… So there u go…give it up to your husband at least 1-2 times a wk not just when he ask you initiate not just anytime either u know when the time is right I shldnt have to say but I will when kids sleep or not home and u just watching tv anyway basically it he watching or playing games no no …and dnt just be like wanna have sex wit ya lame as attitude voice … Come touch and grab/stroke a nig D and be like come get this P Daddy or something along the lines put ya booty shorts on when u do it too…you know he off the nxt day when he sleep wake him up with ya mouth on the D in middle of the night if u dnt want to give head then wake him up by jacking him off then go and take the D that's my advice that what I wish my wife would do…as for me I already made my mind up going back to the old me idc about getn caught either.. I been keepn date last time we had sex was 10th it's the 25th now and she ain't said non just walking rnd like stuff all good I ain't asked her either just know the nxt female that get this D getn da suds any females out there ever got so wet the condom come half way off yea you ain't been f'd right lol if u dnt get da suds u ain't been F'd right what ever the reason my wife ain't giving it up it ain't cus I ain't getn it right tho..U want to keep ur husband happy there you go if not F.U then ya man wld prob buy a hooker and come home and give u aids whenever u do decide to give it up to him lol your fault mostly his but yours too..also u B's talkn bout getn a devorce cus ya man want it all the time kill ya self and go find some ol auger daddy bout to croak then if not that ul go through the same ish with your new man even worse cus your new man will just wrk u until he hits by that time he know your not the one to have a relationship with and hit and run yo sorry as LOL to the nxt man and nxt man etc until it hits u that u had your good man but u just ain't want to give up as 2 times a wk without him getn attitudes or beg for it by then you will see his fb page with the new hot sexy thang oh and young too ul just need to find another lame female like ur self and be gay together LOL

  227. This is insane! Sick and tired if sex with your husband, really? Well, lead him to an affair or straighten up your act ladies, I just can believe you all think have sex 2-3 a week it too much, really?

  228. I've had this problem myself for almost all of my 17 year marriage. I'm the one who is the HDP and my husband is the LDP. Since we met he has NOT been open to many new and exciting experiences to stimulate my labedo. Where justified or not I've turned to comfort and intimacy in the arms of his best friend for years. After a weekend of high passion infidelity his suspicions were confirmed and he found out abut it. He confronted me and with out fighting I just stood there and let him finish. Normally I'd deny everything and then tell him how lonely over been for all these years and how I need more attention from him. Since this episode occurred he's turned a complete 180. He has wanted sex every night all night. I once read an article about the alcoholic marriage stating that sex is the only form of intimacy. He has never been a communicater and I'm glad to at least see him put forth effort in acknowledging that I've needed more from him. I know that sex is not solely the answer but we are getting along better and there is love in the air. One thing is for sure, I'm open to any progress that brings us closer together.
    Thanks for the forum.

  229. OMG!! This is really weird! Schedule the sex or have it only once a week! I think it is not smoething u can Handel it. Having sex every day is not a proplem at all. But he must loving you and making you wants sex before he do it.

  230. I put my husband in his place on many a night. I have asked for a back rub, but he complains that he is too tired. Then, once I join him in bed for the night, guess what he wants to do? My response was, "if you have enough energy to do that, then you surely had enough energy to give me a 10 minute back rub." And I am very giving when it comes to being intimate. It's usually at least 4 times a week, sometimes 3, and yes, sometimes even five. This morning was one of those times where I just didn't want it and he became angry with me, yelling and so forth. do you know how many back rubs I get a month?? 2….2 backrubs. LOL But he is the breadwinner, and I'm a stay at home mom and writer…so therefore, I guess this is part of my job description?? And I don't want to hear "Oh you have to talk to him, tell him how you are feeling" bull because I have tried many many times and it doesn't change for any longer then a couple weeks, then it's right back to the same old thing. I have even been told by women that I should be grateful that he still wants me! Sorry, but no one wants to feel like a sex object.

  231. Good example above of a female that thinks she can use her vagina as leverage to get back rubs and other things. Please don’t think you have the only vagina in the world, the little game changer called marriage gives you some leverage. That’s why I don’t marry. I’ve had girlfriends pull the same game on me and I sent them packing. I addition your husband may kick you to the curb, because there is women who will take care of that need without any expectations of a vagina award for a back rub or perhaps that new pair of shoes. Keep your sex object I don’t want it. As for the men that don’t take care of you wives/girlfriends, that’s just pathetic.

  232. Oh my gosh you people need to be thankful… My husband wants sex 2 times a day as we awake and wen we get back home. Be glad he wants you and not someone else because you would wanna kill him if he went elsewhere… Btw 6yrs in my marriage and same sex schedule

  233. Wow- this is a huge topic. Here's the details for us.

    The problem in our marriage is my chronically unemployed husband who has always had a high sex drive is getting downright viscious to me. I'm in my 60's now and work six days a week, one day off for chores (yes, those chores are piled up waiting for me) then start again. For years and years. The house is dirty and cluttered. Nobody visits us. I hardly know my kids now. I don't see friends anymore because I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted. He spends his days puttering, napping and shopping. Sometimes he has a nice social with some alcaholic or addict then I have his weird post booze/drug behavior to contend with til his head clears.

    You can't have a husband living one lifestyle and the wife another. A Family is a tribe – a unit. When one is suffering, ultimately all will. There should be a balance of work hours and some equitable division of household labor. My sex drive is fine – but coming home to a disaster and unhappy children because of this lump has ruined everything. Yes I could make time for more sex, but why is it up to me?

    For me I think it's time to cut loose. I regret trying to make it work and am sick of his whining about his poor dick.

  234. You women are absolutely a silly bunch if you believe you can deprive your husbands of sex and they will not find it elsewhere.

  235. Im a woman and I understand that completely, that sex is how men feel loved and connected to your partner, and my partner and I have sex more days in the week than not. (And by the sounds of it a lot of women on her do have sex with their spouse many times in a week)
    But you seem to be failing in following your own "advice", look at the other perspective! If you have sex with your spouse several times in a week and those day(s) the women isnt in the mood and their spouses reaction is negative (shaming, shunning, yelling, guilting, telling the women she's not showing him love, telling her he's not her priorities, accusing of cheating) it truly is the shittiest thing you can do to your significant other! (Vise versa in genders) this is telling your partner that EVERYTHING else they do for you is all for not. This tells them that they aren't good for anything but sex. This tells them that when your hurt/sick/exhausted that nothing else matters than what's in their pants.
    This tells them that you don't love them and you refuse to do what actually matters to them (not the things you THINK is what they need- though it is appreciated). The person they are trusting with their life, their love, their family, their everything, is telling them these things when they are not RESPECTING their spouse in the way their spouse NEEDS to be respected.
    So while the women you love is pleasuring you're needs very often and she tells you she needs something more (in bed or out of bed) you UNDERSTANDING or at least RESPECTING what she's saying will go a far (remember you don't need to understand something to respect it)

  236. Its not that they/we don't want our men to feel good and feel connected, (at least I can say so 100% for me) its more along the lines of- they dropped respect somewhere in the relationship (ex: expressing your feelings then getting – guilted, shunned, treated, accused of stuff that isn't happening) or (being told you're a bad girlfriend/wife, more or less, because you asked for something different in bed or you asked for more X,Y, and Z out side of bed to reach the mood) I could keep going but hopefully I've painted the picture.
    Keep in mind I am referring to women to do have sex with their partner more than once or twice a month (I'd say once a week as well but there are just some weeks that are harder- another example, but from personal experience, I didn't have sex with my partner for a 11 days because my pet died and I'd never had an animal die on me before, in my arms infact)
    Making love feel like a chore doesn't show your girl you love them
    Yes, sex is important, yes it shows the man and the woman they are loved and are connected, but expecting their needs, desires, wants, turn-ons, turn-offs, reactions, how they view things to be the same as yours or how YOU think they should be isn't right and going to cause problems.
    If she's not happy in bed, but she was before an x-amount of months/years earlier, she's having a delimea with her body image, her life stress, and/or how you've been treating her, and many other things- but the way you react and handle what she says and actually being there for her (how she needs you to be NOT hoe YOU THINK you should be) and respecting what's said you will have a better relationship AND better sex!
    This applies only to those women who truly are invested in their relationship and and doesn't just see her side of everything- because let's face it there are shitty people out their men and women!

  237. I am so sad. I wish for a man to make love to me. I am beautiful, smart and sexy. There is no man for me. They are all married. They are on a leash to their sexless wives. I am in a small town and have had to learn to be celibate.

  238. I wish everyone would stop generalizing here saying that women don't want sex as much as men. That isn't always true either.
    I am the HDP and was married to a LDP for 17 years, we are just now divorced after years of the back and forth, as so well described by NATE in an earlier reply. The only difference is I'm the woman. So I learned my lesson.
    I was lucky enough to find a HDP also out of a mismatched marriage. For over a year everything was heavenly.. sex 2-3 times per week for an hour or more as needed. But at some point things change and he began to resent my need/want for sex so much and it began to feel like pressure.
    For once HE was on the side of the LDP and even having spent 14 years as the HDP in his marriage he FULLY understands what I'm going through, again, but it makes no difference. The pressure is there, the pressure is killing us even though we both know better.

    We talked about all the things one should do in a mismatch, when he was being jilted in his marriage he understood his wife could have performed more, or helped him out more and he swore he would be able to do those things for someone else if the roles were reversed. But now that they are, temporarily or permanently we don't know which, he isn't able to do what he thought. The pressure is too much.

    For more than 30 years I have gotten involved with a beautiful man and my high desire turns them off eventually, the VERY thing they liked and learned to love. Irony?

    My point is… stop judging. There are no simple answers. Even if you get a matched partner, they change. YOU might change even. It's a relationship dynamic we all need to learn to balance as the scale can be tipped in either direction.

  239. Ok I have a suggestion that some men won't like, but for those guys that are really looking for a solution, maybe this might help. Men like sex. We all know that. But what do they specifically like about sex. Would men want to have sex so often if they never had an orgasm? There are other things to like about the sex act besides the orgasm, and men know this, but those things, the intimacy/connection that is possible to be felt through sex can't happen if she is not a completely willing participant. The orgasm however can happen every time, an for those men who want sex constantly, though the long term goal may be a deeper intimacy/ connection,the short term goal is simply getting you rocks off. When men have penetrative sex they usually orgasm every time. How often do the women in thier lives orgasm during penetrative sex? If the answer is not the same, then that's probably why they don't want to have sex. As a man, can you imagine a day when you give your woman an orgasm, and don't get one yourself. Everyone agrees a marriage is 50/50 but then men only want to have sex if they orgasm, but women are supposed to have sex regardless of whether they orgasm or not. That's not 50/50. So what I'm saying is make it 50/50. Now you're wondering how to make them orgasm everytime. I'm not telling you to do that. What I'm saying is to put yourself in her shoes sometimes and have sex like she does without expecting an orgasm. By sex what I am referring to is not penetrative sex, but various sexual/ sensual acts. Find a moment where she is relaxing and the kids are asleep- if this is difficult, make a moment. If she is washing dishes and you are watching tv, help out so she finishes faster. Start caressing and cuddling and kissing. Tell her you don't want to have sex but just want to see her orgasm. She will not believe you, but if she sometimes gives in, if you are able to control your urges for a bit she will eventually acquiesce. Getting her to agree may be hard because of all the bad feelings she has built up towards sex but once you get her once with this and actually follow through, and either give her oral or make her orgasm with your fingers or whatever she wants, she will want you to do that kind of thing more. Everyone wants sexual pleasure, and to believe that women don't want it too is a fallacy. They simply do not receive it the same way you do. Imagine getting only blowjobs and not recieving any penetrative sex when that's what makes you feel the best. This is what you guys are doing to women by only wanting penetrative sex. If your women does not usually orgasm from penetrative sex, change it up. Show her how self less you can be and she will stop feeling used during penetrative sex and she will enjoy it more and in turn you will have more of it and enjoy it more as well. In your sex life strive to make the orgasms equal using various methods, not just penetrative sex, and learn to take control of your sexual urges, and I guarantee you you will have a better sex life than you do now. That feeling a connection/love is only felt by a man through sex, is completely untrue. If you are having sex in which the other partner is unwilling, even if she lets you used her body 5 times a day you will feel nothing except the momentary pleasure of your orgasm. If an orgasm is the goal, say that it is the goal and also realize that that is one of the goals for women too. If they are consistently not achieving that goal then there is no reason for them to have sex and thus they no longer want to do it. Everyone wants to feel pleasure. Connection/intimacy is a secondary goal of sex, which can only occur if the first goal of pleasure is being met. If that first goal is not being met, don't even talk about that second one. It's like trying to go to be a doctor when you are already failing biology class. It's not possible unless you work on the first obstacle.

  240. After reading alot of these comments, alot of women get tired of sex. #truth, but understand this, a man wants SEX, and alot of women act like it's bad or something because men want it all the time. I jus saying, if he's your man then why not give it up, you wouldn't want him to go around creeping, that's why he and you are in a relationship. I mean some of these women act like they don't know what men want when it's right in there face. Most of the time a men, just want to release stress, and it's not like that the only thing we do. Like yall crying about sex, and making a big deal like it's a problem. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you not giving it up. I know that sex isn't the only thing that holds a relationship together but yall acting like it's a problem. This is ridiculous, mad because he wants it all the time. Most men go out there way to make you happy and all he ask for is sex. Somebody said that women show there love in other ways,like cleaning the house or whatever, like a man doesn't do the same. But to leave a note, if you not giving a person what they want they will eventually get it somewhere else. Marriage or not, haha. People say that they started out with sex and the relationship was good, then if the relationship was good why stop it. Alot of women say it gets boring, then do something to get you aroused to please your mate (not saying that is the only way), yall make excuses, and then if he cheats he's in the wrong… Wait for it, not saying that jus cuz you not giving him some he will but you knew what it was before hand, so stop acting like it's something new…

  241. Amazing comments. I agree with few people, disagree with most women.I am a man. Married for 2 yrs.
    I came here trying to understand what I should do. My story is like everyone else's. I am the HDP and my wife is LDP. No surprises.
    Most issues are covered already. I want to mention this one specific thing. To help my wife and myself, I thought about ways to not want sex as much. It's difficult. First its the desire itself. Then I have her around and cannot stop myself getting aroused looking at her, not just because she is good, many times its also cause I am so starved I wud put it in any hole ! But I know that it won't feel good later, after I get my wits back after getting off. May sound pansy but that's what I feel. So overtime, I started desexualising her, and after a now I don't get aroused by her at all. I do give her sex once in a month when she wants it but that's it. I mean I have my own stuff going on, watching porn, other women..but I don't really want to have sex with her. I do ask her now and then if she wants it, just to make sure I am not troubling her by not asking. Of course most of the times she doesn't, so it gives me more confidence that I am doing the right thing. It's almost like I am cheating her cause I know I don't like sex with her now but I am making her not to realise it. she always pesters to go out for dinners and stuff, mostly when she has time, I oblige half of the time. I want such outings too but not as much as she does and I can't ask like she does. Asking feels somehow too wussy to me. I mean I am way more happy when something is spontaneous, like we have with friends, than when it is only from one side. So I don't ask out. We don't have kids yet. Am sure that's going to give her more time to kill. So good for me, I can be worried less about indulging her and more time for myself.
    For anyone who feels what am I doing in the marriage putting up all the facade, I never really hoped marriage would be a wonderful roller coaster. I knew it would be a compromise. I do like the emotional warmth with her, no question. But that's not all I want. But the desire for sex is just so different in both of us, its just poles apart.I gave it time, have her enough chances.
    You could even say its like emotionally I made her my sister or worse..but then I realised if I go along the same path of being the HD P and she being the LDP, it was going to being in a lot of discontent in either of us. Now it feels like the theme is saving the marriage. I don't know how long this can go on.
    It's almost like men and women are two different species.
    I cannot leave without replying to all those women who think this is about respecting yu and all. Seriously, u have to grow out of ur brain washed feminist ideology. If there is anything that a woman doesn't like, its a sociohistorical conspiracy to disrespect yu, Lol…
    Women using words like self respect, self esteem, rape etc…think seriously if yu r in a situation where your partner needs to be in a prison ? If not, don't just vomit such words loosely. If u can't take it, but still want his warmth and crap…stop kidding urself. Get out of the marriage. There is no law stopping yu. Marriage is the single largest and most pervasive oppressive institution existing. Usually, it's most beneficial for women.

  242. Wanting sex all the time is another way of saying "I want to connect with you". ??????

    Our culture has done men and women a huge disservice. The Therapist Bernie Zilbergeld puts it like this:

    "The socialization of males provides very little that is of value in the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships….. Men ( through our cultures socialization of boys) lose sight of their need for touching except as a part of roughhousing or sex."

    One of his female clients remarked: "Sex is his one and only way to be intimate. But how close can you get to someone who only communicates with his cock?"

    According to Germaine Greer in "The Change":

    "If she is one of the many women who have been f***ed when they wanted to be cuddled, given sex when what they really wanted was tenderness and affection, the prospect of more of the same until death do her part from it is hardly something to cheer about".

    We have got to teach our boys how to connect, be affectionate, and open up to alternative forms of intimacy. If men have grown up depending on sex as their only avenue to intimacy with their partner there is bound to be trouble at some point in the relationship. Women need more from their partners than lots of sex. As evidenced through this blog, many women get tired of sex all the time. How about a little tenderness and affection for a change?

  243. Aaron I don't think the problem is being put in the mood, the problem I think anonymous is trying to explain is shes not interested in sex period

  244. Wow this is exactly how I feel about sex I hate the thought of it I loved my ex husband so much but he wanted sex everyday more than once a day. Well its been three years since we got divorced and now he's wanting to get back together which would be fine with me because I never stopped loving him but as far as I can tell he's still has that crazy sex drive what should I do I want him back but I don't think I can go through that again

  245. Hello all (or at least those who will read this far),

    So a few years pass and tons of comments roll in since the author originally posted this topic and 1 thing remains true through 90% of comments; guy bashing!

    So I am a male, and would like to give/help shed clarity on the subject.
    A lot of the women in the comments are clearly not sexually attracted to their "significant other" anymore. Claiming that they can go months without ever being in the mood, and not feeling like pleasing the other person in the relationship; this is a selfish outlook on your relationship. Imagine that you want to go out to the movie/dinner, picnic at the park, night out on the town, go to the beach, etc. But your partner keeps putting you off because they are not in the mood to go out and have fun and connect with you, you would feel as if they were being selfish with the issue. Not only would you feel as if they were being selfish but you would feel as if there was a deeper issue/something wrong with the relationship; this is exactly how you should feel about sex/making love in your relationship.
    If you simply can not help but feel unconnected in that way but, "you like all the other stuff" what you are looking for is an extension of a friendship. I would argue that the spark has long left your relationship and now it's time to set yourself apart from said partner and find someone who you can/will and want to connect on a deeper level.

    With that being said, I don't wish to be misunderstood I can understand a mate/spouse not feeling in the "mood" for a couple of days, but that period should end; you are not going to continue to have a headache for a week, or your period for a month, or your boss/co-workers bothering you for a extended amount of time. It's time to see those things for what they are excuses, and if you persistently keep having excuses the relationship ship has run it's due course.

    Now some woman on here claim that their spouse was overly aggrasive (going so far as some of them claiming "rape" or taking advantage in a drunken situation) this case it is obvious that the person you are choosing to bound your life with has little to no respect for you are your personal boundries. I would gravely ask you to remove yourself from such situation; not sure how exactly women get themselves in such a relationship but you need to escape it.

    In the case were women were complaining that they are "tired" because they work then come home and have to cook, clean,etc. And can't handle their mate "being all over them" because of the lack of help from the mate. How could a situation get so out of control? My only theory on this is that this is how the relationship started, and sometime late without discussion you assumed it would change as you progressed through the relationship. This is an incorrect train of thought, I would propse you sit your mate down and tell them how you feel and what you need from the relationship, only then will things progressively get better.

    I did click on the link to find out if it was normal that I had such a high desire of my wife and that I wanted to bang her brains out as often as I do, and I think now that it is (not that I found the answer here). I am overly attracted to that woman! She can seriously stare at me with her sparkling eyes/ kiss my check with her soft lips or even walk past me in a flirty (sometimes non flirty) way, and I can't help but get an erection! After 4 years she is still the best looking woman I know and I still care for her so deeply. Now she isn't always in the mood, and I try to appreciate that knowing that I have the higher sex drive. But to go weeks (or months as some of you are stating) would mean something is bothering our relationship., and when that happens we usually talk and get down to the bottom and try to please the others needs; this is how it's suppose to go in a relationship!

  246. This site is an absolute marvel. I am directing all my male friends to it. It serves perfectly to show them the disaster that monogamy is – a wholly unnatural state for both men and women.
    I've also given them precise instructions too: if you think you're in love, try cohabiting for just a single year. Under no circumstances agree to having children. If your sexual needs are not being met – within reason ie periods and illness etc – then quit the relationship immediately. It will not get better, and you are condemning two people to misery. Men will give companionship and emotional commitment only when there sexual needs are fully met. Women are embued with modern feminism now. They dont understand biology in the least and believe that mens sexual urges are as controllable as their own. Quite incredible really when all around them they see what happens when the male sex drive goes untended: rape, abuse etc. yet most of these ignoramuses hate the idea of prostitution and porn! Societies with legal porn and prostitution actually see lower rates of rape and abuse of women.
    The ancient world controlled mens sex drives far better…women understood it better than todays dunces. Brothels are found all over the ancient world. 2000 years on, with a wealth of neuroscience supporting what those ancient peoples instinctively knew, and it feels like these women are living in the dark ages. It's utterly ironic that the same women that bitch about keeping there men satisfied are the ones who jump to divorce as soon as their bloke strays. These women should stay at home with their cats and stay out the gene pool. That way Darwin will go to work perfectly and over a few centuries we will fully breed out low libido women, and then blogs like this will no longer be necessary!

  247. Yes that's right. See my other posts here. Its about impossible expectations of monogamy fed to us by western society. Feminism has made things far worse too, by women now being led to think they can set the tempo of sex in a marriage without any coneback on them! It's sll so twisted and messed up – especially all the patriarchal bullshit , since monogamy suits women way more than men from both a security and sexual aspect

  248. And Germaine Greer is happy? She lives a celebate lifestyle, and does not seem particularly excited by life persay. I like what she has to say about some aspects of female equality, but I think even Germaine would be the first to understand the huge differences between men and women, not to mention the ridiculousness of monogamy

  249. Get out Princess! No one deserves that misery. Have an affair, hire a gigolo, whatever! Do not feel guilty, no one deserves to have unhappiness in tbeir sex lives. Fulfilling sex is at the core of our identity. Small town? Not in the UK by chance?!

  250. Listen to this lady men: having a high libido is not commensurate with having kids. Do not go in blind. Your sex life will dissolve if you have kids. You will become angry and frustrated and end up divorcing with a huge bill. Unless you find a woman who is content to let you find other outlets for sex. I live in the far east and women here understand this clearly. Western women like this have been toxifief by 2000 years of stupid religion like Judaism and Christianity into believing monogamy is natural. Even those who don't practise these religions are toxified by it because even our legal systems are built on these concepts – adultery still carries a huge price tag, and we denigrate promiscuity and prostitution. Hopefully another 2000 years will undue this heinous biblical crap

  251. It is your fault! You should have read the extensive literature about men and their sexual needs before baiting this poor man. Ignorance is no excuse. Most men I know are all too aware of women's periods, PMT and the risk of a sexual interest fall in a relationship. Do us all a favour and stop dating men altogether if you dont want frequent sex. Find another woman for a housemate instead and get all the emotional connection you want without the sex. Be nice and help create a happier world.

  252. Get out dude! Leave her to the cats. Women need to learn a man can't give the emotional support they constantly need – thats why we have friends and family. And you cant give it at all without regular sex. Smile and wave goodbye. As I say below, but stopping these women from breeding, we remove them from the gene pool, giving our male offspring happier lives in the future!

  253. "Lots of wives blame their lack of desire on their partner"
    Aaron tell it like it is please. It's on them and them alone. As a counsellor you should the science behind this. Long term studies show that in lesbian couples sex is dead after a few years, after 10 there is zero sex. You shouldn't be telling women it's their husbands fault, confirming their doubts. You need to start telling women the honest truth, that low libido is on them, but in a non blaming way – it simply is, and especially after kids. The ladies biological function is done. Sexual monogamy is a perversion of nature – utterly unnatural. If these moaning women want to pursue it, then they need to give in to their men without complaint, otherwise pursue social monogamy but allow their men to have sex elsewhere.

  254. Rant afterthought. Before I get accused of unevenhandedness, men listen up.
    If your girl makes clear efforts to compromise in the bedroom, make her feel like a princess! Stop being a lazy pig. Find
    housework to do without being asked. Complement her daily. Surprise her with flowers. Listen to her, be more empathetic.
    Finally, stop being assholes. Never use horrific words like "slut" or "slag". Stop being so possessive. Promiscuous women deserve our support and respect as do prostitutes. I love a woman who has experience. I dont care how many men she has been with…the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned. These women are often great company outside the bedroom – chock a block full of charisma and a sense of adventure. Lets show these beautiful creatures our love and affection! Only by male support can we liberate our ladies from the stupid and pervasive notions of religiosity and sexual repression!

  255. Sex addiction = new term created by psychologists to ensure steady stream of customers, and especially to make low libido women in relationships feel better about themselves. To tell them this is the natural condition of male mammals is just too much for the scientifically inept minds to take on board.

  256. See a prostitute regularly. Do not worry about getting caught. All outcomes will be positive for your happiness. Do not feel guilt. You will be happier and so will your partner since you will be nagging less

  257. It doesn't matter dear. Stop seeing it from your point of view – that is simple selfishness. We dont tell you to stop having periods, or PMT, we put up with it. We can't help the enormous testosterone production we have, the sperm in our testes. And no, even masturbation is not a substitute

  258. Well done in fully understanding men – tho you say you don't.
    Now you get the logic, please make society happier bu fully supporting the legalization and regulation of prostitution.

  259. Jesus, if you think 2 or 3 times a week is a lot then you are out of your fucking mind. I need sex at least 2-3 times A DAY ! And I know my partner might not like it but she has to listen to me cuz I'm the husband.

  260. Wow, Ian sounds like a very angry and unhappy person!

    I'm sorry he is so dependent on a female body for his happiness.

    He doesn't seem to understand that the female of any species always decides when and with whom they will mate, unless of course they are living in a patriarchal human society where women have been forced into total submission….sounds like fun sex!

    As for monogamy, I believe it evolved to protect and provide for two people's offspring. For eons it seems to have provided the best stability and efficient financial support for raising children. One of the primary reasons to marry is the foundation and maintenance of a family. Monogamy might not be natural but as of yet we haven't come up with a better system to take care of our future generation.

    Of course, if a man isn't interested in having or raising HIS children, and indeed the only reason he considers marriage is for ready access to sex, then perhaps he should avoid marriage at all costs. Then he can spend his well earned monies on prostitutes (they exists everywhere legal or not), spread his fertile seeds into infertile women and live happily ever after…unless, or should I say, until he runs head on into the dreaded "impotence". Oh, but surely, that would never happen to him!

  261. I have been with the guy I love for 15 years now and we have 3 kids. I'm 31 and he is 34, I was 16 and him 19 when we first started dating. I can't seem to ever make him happy when it comes to our sex life. While the past year and a half our sex life has much improved and is the best it's been in manyyyy years, we still argue over it a lot. We have sex almost every night at most we might skip 2 nights in a week. It's all he seems to think about and want. I am not in the mood all those times but I want him to be pleased In all 15 years he has known that I do not enjoy him ejaculating in my mouth while I am pleasuring him but he hounded me and made so many comments and accusing me of not finding him attractive or loving him like he loves me, I gave in. I have now allowed him to 4-5 times. Then once that was done he got stuck on always wanting to have anal, I do enjoy it but sometimes it just plain hurts. It just seems no matter how much I try even when it's not my thing he will get stuck on something else I don't do that he wants. All the comments really hurt. He has gotten where he will write down his "feelings" that I keep finding. They crush me! I have read things like I don't really love him because I don't desire the same things sexually so I must be just waiting it out looking for someone better. I have read where he had a dream about him and I having a threesome with a male friend of his but then in the same writing turns around and gets angry at me saying that's what I really want is his friend. I don't know what else to do.

  262. One of the posters commented on breeding the low libido women out of the gene pool. Then there wouldn't be a need for blogs like this.

    Interesting thought.
    But, wouldn't it make more sense to breed out the high libido people? They are the one's always frustrated, angry, depressed, resentful, unhappy, hurt, miserable and making everyone around them miserable too. They are the one's who are constantly driven to find another to release their sexual tensions. The lower libido people tend to be more content with life, have meaningful fulfilling relationships without hounding another for constant sexual attention. Wouldn't it make more sense to breed out the discontent ones? Put them out of their misery.

    In this day and age, we actually don't need sex to procreate anymore. In reality, the frequent urgent need to have sex for the survival of the species has become obsolete. We are now using several methods to avoid having babies. Sex is more of a bonding/recreational act.

    So if sex 112 times a year (the average couple's amount) is no longer needed for the survival of the species, wouldn't it make more sense to breed out those that have the hardest time being content with lesser amounts?

    If people were more content with what they already had, there would no longer be a need for blogs like this.

  263. Ive been married for 3 1/2 years & am currently pregnant with our first. My husband also wants sex ALL THE TIME & he also is so much of a freaking horn dog that he actually wanted me to sleep with someone else. He said the thought of me being "pleased" by someone else is very exciting for him. I did that once only because i knew it would make him happy & i HATED IT! But now he wont leave me alone about doing it again or wanting to constantly talk about sex or the other encounter all the time. I use to love sex but for the past 2 years he has gone off the deep end & has started requesting things i do not want any part of. When we married I only thought of myself with one man for the rest of our lives & all because of his stupid sex addiction i now feel completely "used" & no longer want anything to do with sex. We still do it because we're married & i know he has needs but i dont enjoy it. If there is any advice for this type of situation i would love to hear it. Thank you.

  264. Sex is for men cause for marriage reasons, it's a wifely duty. So what's a husband duty that she can't do herself?

  265. What sucks is there are always different points of view. You want the therapist to say what you're doing to the man is ok. Most women get their man by over sex in them. They fall in love with who they think you are. Then you come out that's not who you are. Truth is this. No one can force fridged women to have sex and nobody can force a man not to want sex. This leads to infedelity. You married your spouse through sickness and health. This goes both ways. If you expect your man to respect t your I'm tired then you raincheck. But raincheck soon and keep to it. Dragging it on for months only makes it worse for both and causes resentment. It's funny how the ladies here want a feminist view and to ok them so they don't feel guilty or look bad. But sex is a part of marriage and is a big part. Most people start out sexually compatible. It's usually the women who stop. That's almost like false advertising. You don't start a relationship by we can do it all the time then when you have him cut back to once a week. Nothing in life works that way. I do not feel pity on any woman who misrepresented their sex drive to men in the beginning. Now if a woman is sick, then the man should take raincheck and not patronize her for this. And being tired is ok too, but as stated earlier, make it up asap. Trust me, no man wants to deal with women shopping and bitching and moaning all the time but they do it out of love for you. Now that goes both ways. Give him some pleasure and don't complain and stop thinking it's a chore. Give and take goes both ways.

    To all women who only want a feist view on the matter, then you are getting a one sided view. You should listen to the man's side too. It's not just about YOU! It's both of you and compromise is key. The best stress reliever is sex and it would relieve yours too if you don't just lay there. Try getting into it. You don't want to be treated like a piece of meat. Then don't act like one!

  266. From the male perspective. I have been married for 12 years now and since I first started dating my wife she knew that I enjoyed sex. Not just getting off but the intimacy of it. There were times when I wouldn't get off, I'd just pleasure her. She knew that this intimacy was a big part of my personality when she agreed to marry me.

    2 days after we were married she started finding excuses not to do anything with me. Not just having sex but she didn't even want me holding her in bed. I backed off and gave her the space she demanded…then she started accusing me of cheating on her because I wasn't having sex with her……. She expected me to just always be hard when she wanted it without her doing anything but saying "I want sex".

    So here I am masturbating 5+ times a day with my wife sleeping in the next room waiting for her to magically "want it" for 12 years.

    All of these posts rag on men for "Always wanting Sex" but why isn't anyone discussing how this effect the men when the woman NEVER wants sex? And when she does she expects you to be "ready" for her….

    Sometimes a man just wants to feel wanted just as most women do. Is that so hard to understand?

  267. Finally i found people going through the same thing as me. Ive been with my husband for nearly 8 years. The first couple years we had sex daily, sometimes twice daily, but now that im getting older my libido has slowed down. My husband asks for sex first thing every morning 5am. Calls me during the day and the first thing out of his mouth is that hes coming home for Lunch and a nooner. Every phone call, every conversation starts with can i see your goodies, or you wanna take a ride on my merry go round. I oblige because i love him. We have sex 5-6 times a week. Dont get me wrong i like sex as much as any other gal but i am so over it. I literally feel like going all loraina bobbet on his a**. I cant take it. I feel like when he looks at me all he sees is a place to put his penis. I could do 3-4 times a week. But every damn day of my life, every minute. No. Im over it. And if i dont do it he throws a temper tantrum. I cant even shower at night.
    because when i do he comes in and watches me with the curtain open, tries to get me to have sex with him or masterbates while im bathing. If i want privacy i have to bathe, dress, or do anything like that while hes not home. Then he gets angry if i bathed while hes not here. Or gets mad because i locked a door. He even went as far as removing all the locks so he can come in freely. Hes such a pervert i often wonder if i did say no would he cheat? Im at the point where i dont care anymore so i can get a break.

    • Girl..I feel you..my husband is the same way. It makes me disgusted. I really dont’ care if he cheat anymore. If I go out of town my husband has a fit because he can’t do anything with me. I am with my Mom and our daughters…visiting Family. He makes me feel like crap before I go. I can barely stand to be around him. It is just a place to live.

  268. My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Last year I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Up until this point we had a fairly active sex life. My thyroid was removed, I was put on synthetic hormone replacement. Since that time my sex drive has decreased. That's problem number 1. We are both on our second marriage, so there ate significant stresses with that. We have had little issues in our marriage but nothing huge. My husband has been as of late very vocal of our sex life. On average we have sex 2 to 3 times a week. The passion is gone. It's never spontaneous anymore it's usually 5 am and it's get it done and off to work which leaves me hanging. If we don't have sex you can bet I will be informed of how it makes him feel snarky comments and all. He is a farmer and we don't really take a lot of time for anything together. I feel as if there is so much emphasis put on sex or the lack of it that I'm not showing him I love him. (That is what he says when I tell him no he feels as if I don't love him. ) I feel as if I'm just here to provide a place to get off. I mean it used to be spontaneous, just happen it was fun, passionate and I miss it. We used to go out off the farm very occasionally together now it's give me a piece before bed, give me a piece before I leave. No steamy kisses where you might get caught, no butt grabbing as you walk by. I want to be wanted, we as women want to be wanted, desired, shown that by our man and we shouldn't have to tell you that, after all he knew what he was doing while we were dating, he didn't have to be told. Why do the rules change when you get married. Be fore you all ask yes I have told my husband all of this, yes we talk about it daily, love is work, no passion won't stay in a marriage unless BOTH people in that marriage work at keeping it there. My question is: How do you keep him working at it. I'm tired of feeling I'm the one who is always providing him with the feel good with nothing in return.

  269. There is nothing wrong with a relationship starting off based on sex. But, the relationship should grow to include other expressions of love. One such expression is respect. If a husband should be respected as the head of a household, he should not be treated as a child should he leave clothes laying around. That would lower his self-esteem and be disrespectful. Same thing for a woman. If she is being forced to do something she doesn't want to do, she is being treated as a child. Her feelings are discounted. And, as far as the running around, he has to show his integrity in fulfilling his commitment to his wedding vows. The expectation is that he NOT be out running around. He made a choice, no matter how it turns, or remains the same. If he is unhappy, makes the choice to free himself and his partner.

  270. I agree all the time 1-3 times a day he says he has to get off before he can start his day! &God how I the god how tired I am and see them touch himself masturbate watching p*** on tv by God is making me that's turning me off this as much as him demanding me do it everyday and be happy about it everyday when I'm sick tired not feeling good everyday if I see makes me feel bad the bad person and caring and loving I don't know what to do help somebody

  271. Screw32, ur the only guy I should say on here , that's made any sense to me today , done good ideas thank u .I will try for the both of us. Thank u

  272. I say again "guys " if not sex but giving him a hand job to help HIM masturbate u expect me to do that for my husband , everyday 2 – 3 times a day sometimes if he doesn't get off for some reason or another?????

  273. Sex would be fine!! He wants me to help HIM cum before his day can start , with porn and masturbation and help from me giving him a hand job . That's it !!with his eye s on the porn movie, me.feeling like I'm invisible and after I don't even get to enjoy myself as long as he gets his fun . It's like oh awesome thank you I got to go work now bye

  274. But come on men , every day every day every day 3 times a day sometimes or I'm made to feel like crap every time he doesn't get off??????

  275. That's exactly what I'm going through!!!! But is there no way at all ? I love him say.much we've been together for 30 yrs , we have 4 kids and 2 beautiful grandbabies I don't want it to end divorce. I just don't want to be forced to do.it everyday everyday, God I'm tired and then I'm made to.feel inadequate as a woman. It's all my fault.

  276. I am so there girl! Exact same here ! He says he has to com to get his day off right and if it doesn't happen for one reason or another, he wants to try it again at , lunch , dinner etc . He says I don't Love him cause I'm not giving him what he's telling me he needs and initializing sex too- but the dread I feel every Morning, noon or night – all I feel is disgust – especially with the nasty port videos in my face everyday, first thing he does when he comes home is get naked and his starts playing with himself and I don't know what he expects from me… u gets mad at me like this morning baby t I was third I couldn't sleep last night and he just sat there with his eyes closed waiting for me to do something to show him I love him enough to get him off again and I wasn't fast enough i guess – he said told runway I need from u over and over but u just don't get
    It. And he left for work without another word . He's told me before that if it continues that he d have to go find it with someone else…..Idk I love him to death I don't want to loose him.

  277. That's just mean. My situation is – my husband says he needs satisfaction every day before he can start his day, and he expects me to want to do it just as much , to show that I care . He thinks I don't love him cause I don't initialize sex allot but that's because I'm so turned off from the dread I feel every time he wants me to have sex or get him off every morning before work (and even at lunch if he doesn't get off or dinner time etc-)and I'm sorry but I'm not a morning person at all! I'm not usually good and awake even till 9am – 10am! And by then he gets mad at me and say s after this amount of time he can't get a damn erection anymore and blamed me for taking to long – which turns me of even more! And don't get me started about how much i hate the damn pen video s that hew turns on every time to! Good I hate them ! I can't do him – if I'm still tired off dreading- that time -to even feel that I want to please him . Most of the time he doesn't even care about me getting satisfaction. Idk I even told him a couple times that it's just because I'm turned off by it become ing a chore for me cause he expects me to do this and act like im enjoying it , when he demands it every day! Someone's 3 times a day (depending if he comes out not) and every time I turn around there's PORN on the damn tv! I really love him . I've been with him for 30 years married 25 yrs it's just gotten bad these last couple years. Help LF

  278. That's just mean. My situation is – my husband says he needs satisfaction every day before he can start his day, and he expects me to want to do it just as much , to show that I care . He thinks I don't love him cause I don't initialize sex allot but that's because I'm so turned off from the dread I feel every time he wants me to have sex or get him off every morning before work (and even at lunch if he doesn't get off or dinner time etc-)and I'm sorry but I'm not a morning person at all! I'm not usually good and awake even till 9am – 10am! And by then he gets mad at me and say s after this amount of time he can't get a damn erection anymore and blamed me for taking to long – which turns me of even more! And don't get me started about how much i hate the damn pen video s that hew turns on every time to! Good I hate them ! I can't do him – if I'm still tired off dreading- that time -to even feel that I want to please him . Most of the time he doesn't even care about me getting satisfaction. Idk I even told him a couple times that it's just because I'm turned off by it become ing a chore for me cause he expects me to do this and act like im enjoying it , when he demands it every day! Someone's 3 times a day (depending if he comes out not) and every time I turn around there's PORN on the damn tv! I really love him . I've been with him for 30 years married 25 yrs it's just gotten bad these last couple years. Help LF

  279. This is my unsolicited opinion. And while I am not so sure I buy into the men are martians and women are venetians theory, I have found that with this particular issue men and women frequently are talking to be heard and not really listening or “hearing” each other.

    This is something I have tried with couples. It is quirky, but did seem to take a lot of pressure off of the wife.

    What I proposed was that they leave intimate moments completely to chance, e.g., role dice, pick a card, flip a coin, whatever. Whoever won, got to choose whether or not there would be intimacy or define what level of intimacy was acceptable. This idea came from couples’ therapy classes where I learned that during moments of conflict, where is is vying for control to define the problem and solution to it, the significant other’s brilliant solutions are dismissed as ludicrous.

    Honestly, given that couples differ with respect to libido, as our blogger suggests, and given the typical male’s misguided assumption that just given the chance, he can raise his wife’s libidinal energy level, I never found that logic or reason was helpful for the overly optimistic, sex-deprived male.

    One more complication. A lot more women (than men probably realize) have been sexually abused (perhaps 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men). So, when men pressure them for sexual intimacy, it almost seems like the women spontaneously react to bid for sex as a trigger, e.g., “someone trying to force or make me do something I do not want to do.” Why isn’t it obvious that it is not helpful for the male to get all upset, defend himself as not being a rapist, an abuser, etc., cite the marriage vows, or swear eternal love and devotion? Better to completely back away, show empathy, not pressure the her (or him) to talk about it, and figure out some way to empower her (or him) with the power of choice.

  280. I dunno if it’s just my experience but women manage to get all the libido they need, IF it’s for making a baby ! I mean, to me that just sounds….!! They would get all creative, all proactive and until they get the baby they are all cooperative. And after that’s done, the poor guy is left stranded on testosterone pumping pointlessly. Oh yea, one more thing, they want guys to not have sex with other women or not even watch porn. Nope. Not at all. I understand them not having the libido and all but STOP being selfish !!
    Men must either ignore what the modern woman is complaining or she out themselves on estrogens if they want to respect women. Btw, for women respect means doing whatever they want. Silly hormonal bags that we humans are !!

  281. I stay with my boyfriend for 5 years now. He’s lied and cheated but I chose to stay. He’s reason for cheating is that I don’t give him enough sex. We have sex 7 days a week whether I like it or not. If on day 8 I want to sleep without having sex then he accuses me of not wanting him anymore

  282. the reality is over half the women who get married really want a best friend buddy. they want someone who will give them attention and help take care of a home and kids. And occasionally be sexual when it suits them. Just like having a friend on call. Most wont admit that but its true.

    • Most women want a partner. That means sharing in responsibilities equally and being appreciated for who they are (every person wants that).”Demanding” sex is a turn off for women– it makes women feel used, like a piece of meat. Women are happy to give their love (sex) when their men actually inspire them to do it; that does not equate to simply groping her and saying “let’s have sex”.

      Learn her love language, and she needs to learn yours

  283. I left my ex-husband due to being in a sexless marriage for 30 years, feeling alone and unloved. He would say he loved me but always rebuff any advances I made saying it was always an inconvenient time. I would treasure having a man want to make love to me. I think that intimacy is really the one bonding experience we can share with a man where we are truely connected at a very intimate level. I think except for maybe pregnancy, post-pregnancy and menopause, that we need to examine as women what we were taught about intimacy. I love my new husband and I would do anything that would make him happy. If it is him needing sex everyday, I would do this to make sure he is happy and satisfied, after all, he does so much to make my life joyful.

    Getting in the mood after a busy day:
    Take a few minutes for yourself and do something to make you feel relaxed, like take a bath, put on calming music. I know it’s hard because we are all very busy.
    Write down for a few weeks how you spend your time and find a time time put all of your attention to him. Write down a few of the many blessings you have in your life. Read them daily and be grateful for small things like having a man who desires you.

    On the flip side, I can’t tell you what to do if your husband is not having sex with you. I tried broken-hearted to fix this and I never could.

  284. I am 49 years old and I agverate my wife for sex 3 to 4 time a day too. It’s not that I am disrespecting her it’s just that I love her. I sleep with my hand between her legs or on her boobe makes me comfortable. I love her sometimes she don’t like it either. Sometimes a man wants to be a man. So this is the way it is give your woman a chance to give u your desire and dreams. Please everyone listen. Sometimes we all woman and men want sex when the other partner doesn’t won’t it man or woman sometimes one or the other can be to tired so if u love one another don’t company be happy u could in up with someone worse. We have the same problem with the sex issues. We have been married for 25 years we plan to make it another 25 years. Don’t give up on someone u love.

  285. Women, imagine your whole body burning with fire, your brains on fire, everything on fire… That’s how men feel, when our balls are full. For a normal healthy male 3 times a week is minimum, sometimes 4 or 5, but sometimes 3 or 4. That’s how quick our balls get filled with new sperm, that needs to go. If you don’t want penetration, just release our tension orally or breastfully or any other way that will get this tension off. That’s the only way to get our brain back to thinking normally again. That’s just reality, any man you meet will tell you the same. We love to be protectors, providers, friends and lovers, love to surprise you and sometimes to make you worry about our foolish choices… But in the end, by marrying you, we can’t go out and meet someone to relieve the tension, so by tying the knot and putting that ring on us, you have pretty much agreed to take care of our sexual needs. If you want a cuddly friend who’ll fill up your gas tank, vash/vacuum your car, and fix things around house, take the wedding ring off of our fingers, let us go out and meet our sexual needs other ways, and we’ll gladly return to you as friends at the end of the day to cuddle, but even then, flashbacks of memory of how your hair smells, how your soft skins tastes, how your soft breasts feel in our hands, will want us to jump on top of you after about 15 minutes of cuddling. So, no, you cannot have a cuddling only man!!! Realize that rather sooner because nothing in this world will change this!!! If you don’t give us intimate life, don’t run filing for divorce if someone else gives it to us. We won’t file for divorce if another man paints the house, or moves that heavy furniture. Your husband should be number 1 priority, not chores or career. Same with husbands, your wife should be number 1 priority, come home on time, help kids with homework, wash dishes after dinner because she cooked dinner, and vacuum the carpet because she cleaned windows and blinds. Split house work equally, but ladies don’t withhold sex from your husbands it’ll only grow in resentment and accusations, because you’re withholding something that he can legally get only from you, not from anybody else. Masturbation is not an option when you’re married, if we wanted to masturbate we wouldn’t get married.

  286. Men, sometimes have unreal expectations of married life, especially love life. Men who were raised by single mothers, are very sensitive when their woman doesn’t give her best to them because their single mothers spoiled them by raising the very sensitively. So, arguments like “I don’t feel loved because she doesn’t come to me herself” are mostly from sensitive men. Men, you cannot be sensitive with wives, because they are trying to cut corners from you by withholding sex. After 10 years of marriage, I wish I have demanded more sex from my wife, because statistics show that if you ask for 2 you may get 1 but if you ask for 10 you may get 5. So the more you talk to them about sex, the more you’ll eventually get. Don’t make the same mistake as I did by not talking to her about your rejections and hurt feelings, get over them and tell her exactly how it makes you feel. Tell them to take the ring off of you so you can be free to have sex again!!! Women, Sex is number one in any marriage!!! If it wasn’t for sex men wouldn’t marry women, period. We can have Starbucks for breakfast, Chipotle for lunch with half of burrito left over for dinner, and hire a maid on Fridays to clean our house and do laundry once a week. We don’t need to get married to eat or walk in clean clothes, we get married to have sex, period. After reading this blog for past 5 years, I’ve come to realize that women have wrong expectations of how married life should be and men are too naive of how women imagine married life without sex. If you’re going to withhold sex from men, don’t run filing divorce because we find great sex life elsewhere. It’s inhumane to withhold from men the only thing that makes sense in this life. Sex and manhood are ONE!!! Don’t underestimate this!!! The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll be living happy married life!!!

    • So my husband works 14 hours shifts, and I stay home with our baby. I did work full time too but I was layed off anywho my husband cheated on me 6 months after our baby was born, I was not in the mood for 6 months and that was because I just wanted to sleep and my husband was really mean to me, he would get mad at me when I didn’t breast feed right or what every anywho our son is one now and he just told me that he cheated on me and I stayed married to him because I know that was a lot that he went through it but lately he hangs out a lot in the bathroom, and on his days off he never wants to go do anything with me, and i never tell him no to sex anymore and we had sex last night. But he just doesn’t put any thing into it anymore he doesn’t cook me dinner or take me out or do anything sweet for me, he playea Xbox all day when he is off work and the only time he doesn’t play is when his friends text him he leaves to go hang out with them. It hurts my feelings when he doesn’t want to do anything with me. And just turns me off, he texted me tonight with a blow job text, and when I walked in the living room and said when I do that he always wants sex he took it wrong and told me no never mind not even looking at me once just looking at his Xbox. Half of me thinks he is up to something but then I don’t want to think that why

  287. It’s eye opening to read through all these comments. So many different perspectives. I’m the sex-charged hubby and my wife could probably be content with having sex once a month, so we meet somewhere in the middle… Maybe 1-2 times every few weeks. It’s one of those situations where she announces she’s on her period and I think hmmmm she was just on her period a couple weeks ago, and then realize oh no it’s just that we only had sex twice during the 4 weeks she was clear. It’s very frustrating because I start to get agitated after 4-5 days without and by the time she’s in the mood again, I’m already feeling resentful and almost want to reject her to let her know how it feels, but I know that’s wrong and also don’t want to miss the rare opportunities I get. I’m not proud of the fact that I masturbate often but it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. I know I’ll temporarily feel bette me afterwards and it puts my mind at ease, so I just accept that this is how it’s going to be from now on. If I could go back and change things I’d probably have been more careful to find a partner that cares more about meeting my (very few) needs, but this is the woman I fell in love with 14 years ago and the mother of my children (age 9 and 13) and I still think she’s incredibly gorgeous and really do love her still. She has always had a problem treating me well but I have forgiven her for the years of verbal abuse and her demanding attitude. I really do go out of my way to meet her needs, and she has a LOT of needs to be met, but she rarely takes the time to consider mine. I can’t say I was always the best husband but I also am committed to my family and work very hard at home and at my job to provide for them. I feel like I’m being punished for past mistakes but that might not be true. I wish I had a low libido sometimes because this would all be much easier to manage… Right now I’m just angry and upset and she gets very defensive when I approach her about these issues, saying her sister told her she only has sex with her husband once a month, and I should be happy we aren’t in their situation. I just don’t understand why some people are so inconsiderate and unwilling to do things unless it’s on THEIR terms.

  288. I love my wife so much. i ask if i can have sex every minuet i get it everyday maybe a couple of times. HAHAHAHAH YOUR EATHER IN LOVE OR NOT! Sex is good for the soul. fuck her everyday. but you have to make her cum otherwize its not fair. ENJOY!

  289. As a single woman. All I can say is I really feel sorry for men. I think there is a big difference between being disrespectful and demanding and desiring attention from your spouse. I think all civilized people know the difference between abuse and rape and a normal loving desire for your partner. Sheesh ladies. Cut your men some slack. Turn the tables and be in my shoes. Alone for the better part of my life. I would love to trade places with some of you. I would love to be desired and loved by a faithful spouse.
    And Aaron is right connection is the KEY. The brain is the biggest sex organ. To the guys make her feel special again. And I promise she will great you special again. This stuff is cyclical. You kivk me in the knee I kick you in the knee. You tell me I am beautiful I kiss your cheek. It isn’t really that hard. We make it hard.

  290. I’m not married but me & my gf been together for a year. We have a kid together because we use to do it a lot. Sex use to be amazing & exciting. We was never satisfie, we use to do it at the parks,in the woods, inside the car, in a friend bathroom, in my boss bathroom, in the kitchen ECT.. Now all the excitement has went out the window! It went from use doing it 5x aday to 3 times a week, then 3x a week to 1 time a week. Now we only do it 1 time a Month! & I be lucky if I get some! She’s 30 years old & when I ask her if she’s not sexualy attractive to me anymore? Her excuse is that our age difference was gonna be a problem because I’m 24 & she says I want it everyday! Which I did want sex everyday but after couple arguments we had about it I was understanding enough not to ask for sex everyday. I gave her sex space . After a week passed I would touch her softly, rubbing my fingers through her legs & body. Kissing her back at the same time while we cuddle to get her turn on or something. But it never work anymore. I would ask her ” Baby can we do it”? Sometimes “baby, would you like to have sex”? & She will always say that she’s tired & sleepy. Three weeks later after not having sex & me giving her sex space. I would give her a massage with lotion from top to bottom. After that we cuddle & I started softly rubbing my fingers through her body & giving her kisses on her back. But She would not get into the sex mood! Inside of me I was furious,I would call her all kind of names in my mind! I was just sexualy frustrated to the max! I use to do anything to make her feel comfortable & steel do.. I would cook for her, clean the house,send her text messages that I love her, watch our kid at night time ECT.. but no matter what I do. I can seem to get her to satisfy me!.

    Weeks later, I exploded & confront her us not doing it! She told me that I want to have sex everyday! & That she doesn’t! So I was like ” months ago you told me that you don’t want to do it everyday! So I stop asking you! & It’s been a month since we had sex! So how’s that me wanting sex everyday?” Then she would bring the age difference excuse again! Blah blah.. I told her that I feel rejected to the point I want to cry of frustration & madness!

    Week later passed one night I ask her for sex again & she told me that she haven’t take a shower, the next week passed & ask her if I can have some & she told me her stomach hurts.. so the next day I went to Walmart & left my voice recording on from my phone.. came back & playedback & she was masturbating! So I confronted her.. I was like ” so you don’t feel like doing it but you prefer masturbating?” She was like ” well you masturbate all the time & I don’t say anything!” & I was like” if I masturbate is because my tired ass girlfriend don’t want to satisfy me !” She would say that I always want to do it ECT ECT… Now I was trying my best to be faithful but I couldn’t help it anymore..One of my old crush hit me up on Facebook & we got together. I invented her over to my gf house while my gf was at work.. we end up doing it! It felt so good & wrong but I was satisfied & didn’t really felt bad after couple hours passed!..

    My gf wanted me to stop asking her for sex for days,weeks & months so Im giving her what she wanted!

    Even tho we don’t do it anymore, I don’t feel rejected because I have a side chick that can satisfy & she has a high sex drive like me.. But I still love the mother of my child & we still live together & she thinks I’m faithful to her! But now the other girl catch feelings for me & we tell each other “I love you” over FB messages.. & I don’t know what to do anymore!

    I’m not a sex addict, but I do like to havesex at least two times a week! I don’t think that’s to much to ask.. but I can’t have that with the woman that im in love with.. So I’m not sure if I should leave her or stick with her.. either or it will hurt me both of the two choices!

  291. You women are the worst! If you won’t have sex with him then get him a girlfriend! Ugh!

    Don’t worry he’ll cheat on you and then you won’t have to worry about him bothering you for sex.

  292. Most of the contributions I have read, they are like putting the blame on men,is it because you are married you don’t want sex? I like some ladies they ask for sex directly/indirecty and if you deny,they say you don’t love then and accuse you of cheating on them, some ladies even wake their husbands up in the middle of the night,and tells him she is starving, I’m speaking from experience and from the stories that I have heard in my society. the issue of ladies not wanting sex is not known, and it seems ladies keep it to themselves,

  293. My husband decided after decades of demanding a sex life from me. That after an affair he caught me in when he came home from Rehab after three years of relearning to use his hands and walk after a bad MRSA infection Caused his spinal cord to be infringed, Even without nerve impulse in his legs He did not allow an old boyfriend to. Humiliate him and sweep his cane then laughed at him asking how had I ended up with this looser First his 4 foot 4 inch tall cane came back with the ice tip showing like a missile. It just about hit me but slammed into my friends Head just behind his temple fracturing his scull The Police took my husband to a stress center instead of jail since they felt my friend attacked first sweeping his cane but my friend went to the hospital with every bone above his chest broken. Then two weeks latter on a night I had promised that I would go to a dinner event with his father, mother and his fathers best friend the ce4nter would not keep him just one more day and they sent him home in an insurance taxi.

    The first I knew he was home was walking into his chest coming out of the bedroom. I could see he was still angry about My old boy friend and I started trying to tell him wee had planed a Dinner just for him That weekend so we could try and talk through three decades of resentment and try and figure out how to include him over time in traditions we kept him out of for three decades, Couldn’t he hear us out in three days. HE said he had been done talking since 20012 and IU remembered that morning at 4 am when he put four men In Critical care for daring to attack him over his job bid that morning. I had begged for a week then to back off his wants and wait just 2 more weeks for the next bid list and pick from that> Four men were still getting surgeries to correct the damage my husband did then. I felt it was a problem My husband had no patience to w3ait for what he wanted any longer Just let things fall where they would and just accept he was to wait Even when things did not go his way instead of forcing his way just because he was a higher number on a list.

    That night he was no longer going to wait for me to say yes to sex. He was taking it even if he had to kill me for it. I w3as holding a 100 out to him begging by that time to please just pick a place to meet in four hours and let me keep my promise. It was Just another four hours to work things out in peace When He said I had hundreds of promises that I had broken to him since 1985 I was not keeping any to any one else until I kept them to him. I took off fort the door and he shredded everything on me I was just going to try and get him back in the center before he did something. I was begging after he threw what was left of my cloths down that what was about to happen did not have to be this way. Could we talk after the event He could find the number to a call girl that evening and we could proceed on a basis of equal wrongs if he so wished. HE said No He was taking what I had stolen from him for three decades as he forced me to the floor and pushed my legs apart and had his way. It was not love but hate, desperation and Anger. I was bleeding slightly and my hands bruised from hitting him> I was sitting there crying in a dressing gown after he was done when I heard him arguing with his fathers friend about admitting him into out house, His fathers friend tried forcing his way in and my husband threw him at his fathers windshield But landed him face first in the drive. I just remember His father yelling come help he had hurt his friend bad. My husband just said he hoped he bleed out.

    I was asking his mother when she saw what apparently happened why would he hate us so much for not allowing time off or sex for decades He was now Medically retired and we no had time to work things through, His mother said This war was now in the phase were somebody surrendered, That it had better be me, the family and the community before he killed someone. It was very apparent since 2000 he hated our deciding his life. I have something more than my life to lose now. A three year old son from that night.

    My husband Has taken him from me legally because of my bi polar condition. Leave all I might get is supervised visitation. So I do have to wave my white flag. I now have to stand with my husband after the last person died that could ask something of him. His mother , then his father died last month, the last person I could ask to help hold my husband in his place. My friends are terrified of him now so they exclude me. From things I enjoyed for the last three decades.

    My 60 year old husband allows nothing to exclude him from his wants after His fathers estate is settled in Four more weeks. He said I shall have nothing to do with my friends who helped deny his rights for 24 years. I wont be asked to get him to cooperate any longer and he would not any way now we are living 1200 miles away. Everything I hoped when we started trying to keep my husband under control in 1985 is now a hopeless dream with many hurt in the attempt.

    Where we live now he’s heavily armed with a 30 30 and bowie knife always near. He’s had It pointed in a friends face On Christmas 2015 because he helped throw my husband out on the deck using a pistol to d it after I had asked him to take his dinner and eat in the pole barn to keep tensions down. I ended up with his plate in my face and he’s yelling he’s not some dam field hand to be told to come to the back door to get seconds from the meal he provided , in his house and his table. HE came back on horse back Throwing a loop around his fathers neck and My freind turned into a sweat monster when he’s told go ahead pull his pistol his brains could be cleaned off the wall. He made everyone leave hungry just because he hates them.

    We are in the Midwest after his fathers death. Staying in a furnished efficancy until the estate is sold My son is with my mother 1230 miles away. I feel bad that We forced my husband into being this defensive but felt that if I let him have his way then everyone would have cried.

  294. Personally, I’m rather at a loss for words that there are people who actually wonder if having sex 2-3 times per week could be too much (or even make them look like sex addicts or anything).
    I understand everyone has a different perception of things and also different needs & priorities, and that’s quite fine and if you don’t like having sex as often as somebody else then that’s your decision (or whatever makes you doing or not doing these things). All this really means is that you’re different, and that from a certain threshold of differences you may or or may not be an acceptable partner (in terms of intimacy).
    But having sex twice daily certainly doesn’t make you a sex addict – as long as you remain balanced, and wouldn’t mind not having sex for a while either. If you think that’s different or changes a lot, or if you’re under the impression that you *have* to have sex often just to get on with your day, then you might have an issue. (Not necessarily a basic sex addiction, just an issue of some kind.)

    • Thanks for the comment, Hanna.
      Yeah, sexual “addiction” can really only happen if it’s interfering with other life functioning (like holding down a job, eating, etc.). And even then it might not qualify as an “addiction. I wish more people thought like you do that just because one partner has a higher (or lower) desire for sex doesn’t mean it’s inherently bad. More couples would get along much better if they didn’t judge their partner’s sexual preferences so harshly.

  295. Guess humans try to forget they are animals. Woman (or LDP) complains it takes time and romance to get in the mood but doesn’t realize her rare sexual spontaneity or affair says otherwise.

    Advice to men, or HDP, make it clear you want sex regularly.
    Advice to woman, or LDP, make it clear you don’t want sex regularly or at all.

    If everyone were honest, this wouldn’t be an issue. It doesn’t seem to me many are.
    However, one first has to be honest with themselves.
    Wish I found answers here but instead I find more indication sex and marriage shouldn’t be related. Odd how other species seem to understand this better.

  296. To the men who aren’t getting sex from their wives:

    1. Pressuring her will not work. The more you complain the less likely she will want to give you a bj. Complaining is not sexy and will not magically turn her on like you hope it will.

    2. Take time to understand the female libido Please understand she cannot go from 0-100 like you can at 4am when you’re horny. Women are biologically different, stop expecting her to be like a man

    3. The reason she is probably not having sex with you is because you’ve forgotten HOW to have sex with her. What I mean by that is you’re frustrated she’s not giving you sex like she did when you were dating, and she’s frustrated you’re not cherishing her and making her feel like the only girl in the world… like when you first dated. See how that works! Demanding sex at 4am, again won’t end well for you and will probably make your wife feel like a disposable hole sometimes. That feeling can be very damaging to your shared sex life going forward.

    4. She needs to feel sexy/get her sexy back. Women want to have sex and will have orgasms when they feel desired and important even when you’re not after sex. I’m not referring to the average blokes’ quick approach, moreso actually pay attention to her and appreciate her without expecting anything sexual in return. Tell her she’s the most beautiful woman inside and out without pulling your dick out.
    I cannot emphasise how important this point it!
    You will find she will naturally gravitate toward you again and begin to desire you for you being a man and not a little boy crying about not having his candy.

    To conclude just as a man doesn’t like feeling as though he is only valued for what he can provide, a woman absolutely repels feeling like merely a body to be used for another’s pleasure.

    *pressuring* a woman for sex all the time (without properly communicating with her) is like her forcing herself to join in on your boys poker nights and golfing weekends.

    If you want to be happily married, I’m sorry but you need to work together with her to meet each other’s needs, which means understanding the points I’ve written out. Likewise she needs to understand your love language too.

    Communicate people

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