Letter: Am I an Emotional Booty Call?

Hi Aaron,

Love your blog and the information you give. Keep it up! I had a question for you. I’ve been engaged for 6 months now. Before that we were dating for a year and a half. When we met, she was new to the area and didn’t have many friends so we did everything together. We’d go to movies, go out with my friends and family, and most of the time we’d just be at my place relaxing. We spent so much time together that some of my friends and family were worried because we didn’t seem to do anything alone. Well, then we got engaged.

Am I Her Emotional Booty Call?

Since we’ve been engaged things have changed. She has lots of her own friends now, which I think is great, but it seems like now she’s always out with them having fun and doing things. Her friends are kind of shallow and a lot of them are still single trying to hookup with guys. Plus, there’s a lot of drama in the group about who said what, who wore what, etc.

To top it off, when she’s not out with her shallow friends, she’s out with her sister who recently moved close to us. I hardly get a weekend alone with her. Anyway, it seems like the only time when she wants to be home with me is when she realizes how superficial things are with her friends and her sister and comes to me for some emotional stability and to blow off steam about her friends and sister.When I want her to go do things with me she says she has things to do with her friends instead. I feel like I’m always there for her but she’s never there for me. We still get along fine and we both want to get married still but I just don’t like how emotionally lopsided the relationship seems. Is there such thing as an emotional booty call? Am I being one?

Sincerely,

Emotional Booty-on-Call

Hey EBoC,

First, let me start off by saying that women are definitely the more emotional of the two sexes. It’s something they inherited from our primitive hunter-nurturer ancestors. As such, they are usually much more expressive in their emotional needs than men are. It’s just as likely for a woman  to marry a man solely for his emotional stability as it is for a man to marry a woman based on her physical characteristics.

Having Emotional Needs Met in a Relationship is Good…Unless

There’s nothing wrong with having your emotional needs met in a relationship. In fact, a key characteristic of a strong relationship is when both partners are getting their emotional needs met by each other. This creates safety, intimacy, and spark in a relationship. Sometimes, however, people get caught up in their own needs and forget about their partner’s needs.

 If you’re feeling like she’s neglecting your requests and is only available for you at times that are convenient for her, then it really does sound like a lopsided relationship and that you’re being an ‘Emotional Booty Call’, as you say. She’s using you to fulfill her emotional needs without regard to you and your needs.  The same thing happens when men use women for their physical needs without regard to the women and their needs.

Make sure to talk to her about how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way. She may be receptive and then your problem’s solved. But it may not even be on her radar why this would be an issue for you. If it’s not even on her radar that she uses others for her emotional needs without much return in the relationship then it’s probably something deeper with her that she needs to sort out.

Regards,

Aaron

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