Dear Aaron & Rachel,
This is a little embarrassing to say but I feel like my husband is uninterested in me sexually. We’ve been married for almost ten years and have two kids together. Our sex life has always been pretty good until about a year ago. There wasn’t anything big that happened, it has just kind of slowly fizzled. I still look (almost) the same as I did 10 years ago which I feel proud about since I’ve had two kids. And we still get along really well. We do a lot of the same stuff we always have: we talk, we laugh, we take our kids to our families’ houses, etc. I can’t figure out what’s changed that’s making him not interested in me. Oh, and I’m pretty sure he’s not cheating – we have an ‘online openness’ policy with each other so I can see his emails, cell phone records, etc. Any help of what I can do to make him interested in me again would be helpful.
Married without sex
Don’t worry. This is, unfortunately, more common than you’d think! It is, however, hurtful and something you want to get past as soon as possible to protect your feelings and your marriage. It is good that a lot in your marriage has been consistent. However, you did not mention having regular “Date Nights” with your husband. I suggest that you do this on a weekly basis and that you have new activities that you do together. Learning and experiencing new things with each other will strengthen your bond and could spark romance.
Make sure that sex is a part of all or most of these Date Nights. Try having sex even when you aren’t in the mood and you might be surprised to realize that you can “get” in the mood. Have sex in new places and try to bring some variety into the bedroom. Go on weekend getaways without the kids. Talk to him about how you feel and what you want to do to bring “sexy back”.
Lastly, work on your own “self-love”. In other words, make sure that you are feeling sexy and gorgeous by taking care of yourself–mind, body, and spirit. Take your self-care up a notch until you are feeling so fabulous you can barely take it! This will help you feel even more confident in yourself, help your sex life and help your relationship dynamic in lots of good ways. Good luck!
It’s pretty common for people to look at themselves and wonder what they’re doing wrong when their partner doesn’t want sex. In fact, I hear that a lot on my couch. It sounds like you’re pretty confident about your body which is great. If you do the other things Rachel suggests you can feel confident that it’s nothing you’re doing that’s keeping your husband from wanting sex with you.
So instead of looking at yourself this may be something that your partner is going through. There are a number of reasons he could be having less of a sex drive. Depression, stress, life changes, physical changes in himself, etc. are just a couple of examples of unique reasons he may be having less of a sex drive. Instead of wondering, it’s best just to ask. Try saying something like “I’ve noticed we haven’t been having sex as much lately. What do you think?” You may be surprised at the answer you get and it will keep you from having to play guessing games.
Finally, have you tried making an advance? I know it sounds silly but I see a lot of wives on my couch who complain about their husband’s low sex drive but don’t make any advances because they’re used to their husband doing it. In our society, men are socialized to be the sexual pursuers and women are socialized not to be. This plays out in the dating scene and often carries over into marriage. So if you haven’t made an advance in a while, give it a try and see what happens.
About Rachel: Rachel Russo is a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. Checkout her website at RachelRusso.com
About Aaron: Aaron Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado and writer for various websites on marriage and relationships.