He Said/She Said: Is It Cold Feet? Or Should I Stop The Wedding?

He Said/She Said: Is It Cold Feet? Or Should I Stop The Wedding?

Dear Aaron and Rachel, 

I’ve always heard that cold feet are normal before a wedding but I hope this isn’t what it feels like. I’m really freaking out. I’ve been together with my fiancé for about two years.  We’re supposed to be getting married next month but I’m really freaking out because I don’t know if I want to go through with it. 

He’s a nice guy and he really cares about me which is great because I’ve always been attracted to either the bad boys who I have to bail out of jail or the freeloaders who are behind on rent and make me pay for everything. My fiancé really has it all together compared to a lot of other guys I’ve dated. That’s actually what made me so attracted to him in the first place. But even though that’s what attracted me to him, now I’m worried that my life will be dull and boring with him. I want a life of excitement and spontaneity – which isn’t his strong suit. Even our sex is getting pretty boring already.  

Am I doomed for a life of boring if I stay with him? Or should I cancel the wedding before it’s too late? 

Thank you, 

Runaway Bride

She Said 

Dear Runaway Bride,

Having cold feet is normal! It seems likely that you would have some doubts about your fiancé because he is, in a large sense, so out of your comfort zone. You are craving the familiar and thinking the grass may be greener. You may not be bored with a bad boy, but would you be happy?

That being said, the decision of who to marry is not one to be taken lightly. You should do some serious thought as to whether or not you can be happy with your current man for the long term. If you have some serious doubts, you can either try to work on them, put off the wedding, or cancel it all together.

I suggest you work on them. Why throw in the towel already just because things have gotten a little stale? Relationships are what you make of them. If you want exciting adventure and better sex, start initiating it. Your fiancé may follow your lead and even surprise you. Good luck!

He Said

Dear Runaway Bride,

Yup, cold feet is absolutely normal. Cold feet can cause you re-think decisions that you’ve already made and question whether they really are good decisions. Unfortunately, only you can decide whether this is just cold feet or whether the things you’ve mentioned are really cause for calling off the wedding. Let me give you something to think about to help you decide:

In the description you gave, it’s curious to me what makes you look back to your relationships with the bad boys. Especially since apparently none of them ever worked out. It seems like you’re looking back to the relationships with the bad boys to decide what you want your future to be like with your fiance’. If you want your fiance to be more like a bad boy, will that relationship really work – especially since none of the past ones did? If you want a safe and solid relationship, however, you won’t find that with a bad boy. In this situation, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You just need to decide what you really want and follow through with it.

No marriage is perfect and they all take work. In this case, if you decide to stay you’ll need to plan to work on bringing more spontaneity and excitement into the relationship. If you decide to break it off to find someone whose more spontaneous, you’ll need to plan to work on bringing more stability and safety into the relationship. But remember that it’s your decision to make. You get to write the next chapter in your life. And it starts with a deliberate decision now. Good luck!

About Rachel:  Rachel Russo is a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. Checkout her website at RachelRusso.com

About Aaron: Aaron Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, owner of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado and writer for various websites on marriage and relationships.

6 Responses to He Said/She Said: Is It Cold Feet? Or Should I Stop The Wedding?

  1. Some good advice here! Cold feet are completely normal. But sometimes they reveal a hesitation based on something a person was too afraid to admit early on. It does seem like some good reflection into what you really want is a good idea.

  2. Cold feet but still being excited may be normal but getting that feeling in the pit of your stomach and the instinct to run is a completely different story. I mistook that gut instinct that I shouldn't get married for cold feet and still got married and ended up divorced. Trust your gut and be self aware enough to know what your instincts are really telling you! Great post!

  3. I didn't have cold feet before my marriage and I thought that was strange. I actually looked forward to getting the wedding over with and moving on into this new life with my late wife. The only nerves that I felt were from wanting the wedding to go perfectly. No one falling. No one forgetting to do something. No wardrobe malfunctions. I just wanted it to be a perfect day for her and it was.

    Great advice, Rachel and Aaron!

  4. Great advice on both sides. For many of us, these "cold feet" scenarios don't just happen because of wedding day jitters. Some of us are scared to death of commitment, even when we make baby steps. Sounds to me like Runaway Bride is having a bit of commitment phobia and thinks the grass may be greener on the other side. She should stop and think about what drew her to this guy in the first place and what made her agree to marry him.

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