If I’m in Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?

Another letter from a reader. Keep them coming! And thank you to all who allow me into your life by sharing your stories with me. I never take it for granted. 

Dear Aaron,

I’m about to get married to the man of my dreams. He’s kind, sweet, treats me well and is understanding of all my baggage when it comes up (I have a lot). Anyway, our wedding is this fall and whenever I get excited about it I can’t help but feel a little nervous, too. I know everyone gets nervous about getting married but this is different. I’m nervous because I can’t understand what a man like him is doing with someone like me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked hard to overcome a lot my baggage I have from growing up. And for the most part I think I have done really well. I have gone to school, got a Master’s degree, landed a good job with a publishing company and I have many close friends who I enjoy spending time with. I also have hobbies that I enjoy doing. I realize I’m a good person that someone would be happy to be with but when I get nervous about my relationship it’s not about any of this. So I don’t understand why I feel so insecure.

I’m in Love but Feel so Insecure

The worst part is that my insecurity leads me to do weird things. He’ll say he’s out with friends and I stay at home wondering if he really just wants to be away from me. When he gets texts I’m worried that it’s from another girl or from a friend that he’d rather be with instead of me. And when he tells me he loves me and is excited to get married, I can’t help but think “yeah, right. He’s just saying that because he’s supposed to”.

If I’m really in love, why do I feel this way? Shouldn’t I feel more secure in my relationship? How do I get past this insecurity?


In Love But Insecure

Hi Insecure,

Without knowing much about your past, it sounds like you’ve done some good work to get to know yourself and take care of whatever challenges your past has caused. Good for you!

Two Things Often Cause Insecurity

1) Disbelief in Your Own Self Worth

About your insecurity, though,insecurity often comes from one of two reasons: The first one that might apply is a disbelief in your own self worth. So you may well actually be in love but you just don’t value yourself enough to believe that you’re a good enough person that your partner would want to marry. If you really have done a lot of work to get over whatever past baggage you have, be proud and be loud about it. You’re a good person and you’re becoming better every day. You’re not perfect but no one is. It sounds like he’s understanding of this and even if he’s not you know deep down that you are. And that’s all that matters.

2) Lack of Trust in Yourself

Another reason for insecurity is a lack of trust in yourself. What I mean by this insecurity often happens out of some kind of fear of the future. For example “maybe he’ll leave me because I’m not good enough”. Well, if you trust yourself enough to do well in whatever your circumstances you won’t be so afraid if he leaves you because you know you’ll do well for yourself either way. It sounds like you’ve done a lot that should prove to yourself that you’re a very capable person – regardless of whatever circumstances you are in. You can lean on yourself and know you’ll be okay.

So deep down, trust in yourself and in your own self worth. Sounds like you have a great man that deserves someone like you anyway!


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