If I Don’t Want Sex As Much as My Partner, Should I just Do It Anyway?

If I Don’t Want Sex As Much as My Partner, Should I just Do It Anyway?

A lot of couples have difficulties in the bedroom. In fact, I learned from a conference I went to this weekend,should want it more.  And once I get into it I usually enjoy it anyway” But if you’re the spouse with the lower sexual desire, should you just do it anyway just stop a fight?  that in a study performed by Dr. David Schnarch he found that nearly 70% of couples are dissatisfied in the bedroom. And one of the most common problems couples face is differences in sexual desire. One partner will usually want to have sex more often than the other. And the one who wants to do it less, usually feels pressured to do it in order to keep their partner (and their relationship) happy. “After all”, they think, “sex is a good thing I should want it more”.

If you’re the lower desire spouse and you’re wondering if you should just do it whenever your spouse wants to, there’s a couple things you need to know:

Things To Know As the Lower Desire Spouse

1) Sexual desire ebbs and flows in marriage. You may want sex less than your partner right now but in a while from now you may be the one who wants sex more. Don’t get too down yourself for having lower desire. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you (see #3 below) and it might just be a phase.

2) Sexual desire for your spouse is necessary. Sexual desire creates romance and passion and separates you two from just being roommates. Sexual desire shouldn’t be defined as an act you two do together, but more as a intimate way of connecting. There’s way to do this without sex – but sexual desire (however you define it) does need to happen.

3) Having the lower sexual desire does not make you the problem in the relationship. There are lots of reasons for sexual difficulties in the bedroom and you’re not always to blame. Even if you’re the lower desire spouse, that doesn’t mean that you’re the one that needs fixing.

Should I Just Do It Anyway?


Now, with all that said let’s go on to answer that question of “Should I just do it anyway?” The answer is a lot simpler than you think. The answer is it all depends on your intent behind it. If you do it anyway just to avoid a fight and keep your spouse from getting mad at you, then you’re probably doing it for the wrong reasons. And you’ll find out down the road that this isn’t really helping you or your relationship, anyway. It keeps your spouse at bay for a little bit but the resultant sex is lousy and after a while your spouse won’t want lousy sex anymore. So if you’re doing it to avoid a fight, just face the music, say no and get the fight over with so you can both go to bed. It doesn’t help the relationship to fight but like I said, you’re just kicking the can down the road by placating which isn’t helping the relationship, either. This way, by just saying no, you’re confronting the issue head-on and because you’re addressing the issue head-on you’re going to be able to address the issue better than if you make up excuses or placate.

If you do it anyway because you usually end up enjoying and you can really get into it, then there’s nothing wrong with just doing it anyway. You might find something new about yourself and all the sudden you move from being the lower desire spouse to higher desire spouse. Also, sometimes as spouses we know our spouse is in the mood and we want to be available to them as lovers. This is okay as long as 1) this doesn’t happen too often and 2) there’s no manipulation or pressure from them for you to give it to them even though you don’t want to.

Ask Yourself The Bigger Question

A lot of lower desire partners wonder if they should go ahead and do it anyway. But instead of asking yourself if you should just do it anyway, the bigger question you should ask yourself is if you’re having the kind of desire that you want. This moves you from a position of trying to please your spouse to trying to be yourself in the bedroom and really connect with your spouse and have the kind of sexual relationship you want to have. If you’re not having the sexual relationship you want, then this is a bigger issue than if you’re giving your spouse the sexual experiences they want or whether you should just do it anyway.

It takes two whole people to have a really connecting sexual experience. If you’re not having the sexual desire you want, then it’s impossible to bring yourself completely into the bedroom and things in the bedroom will always be lacking – for both of you. Take a good look and do a soul searching inventory of yourself to find out what keeps you from having the sex life you want to have. And then you’ll find a new way to  talk about sex in ways other than ‘should we do it or not’.

You may not always want to have sex as much as your spouse but that doesn’t mean you’ll always be fighting about it. There are ways to be sexually available to each other and have a fulfilling sexual relationship regardless of the number of times you do it. And instead of worrying about whether your spouse wants to do it or not, it can start with you.

One Response to If I Don’t Want Sex As Much as My Partner, Should I just Do It Anyway?

  1. For me, there is a distinct difference between desire and "having the sex life you want to have".
    Desire is the drive to be sexual, having the sex life you want is sexual satisfaction. Two different things.

    Since menopause, I have found myself with no desire to have sex nor am I able to become aroused or orgasm, thus I'm left with no physical satisfaction either. I will always be having sex when I don't want or need it.

    Intimately connecting without sex is much more important to me at this stage of my life.

    PLEASE quit using the "just being roommates" statement! Many of us older folks have to find alternative methods to be intimate (our bodies don't work the same anymore) and after 40-50 years of marriage, we are not JUST ROOMMATES !

    We have learned to love each other on a deeper level than just connecting through sex.

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