How Do I get My Boyfriend to Commit?

A letter from a reader who can’t understand why her boyfriend won’t commit. Thanks for letting me share this. I don’t think you’re the only woman with a problem like this. 

Hi Aaron,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost three years now. We’ve been living together for almost two. We have a great time together and my friends tell me that we already act like we’re married. There’s only one problem: We aren’t! I can’t get him to commit!

My Boyfriend Won’t Commit!

I’ve talked to him about marriage before and it used to be fun to talk about. But it seems like the longer we’ve lived together the less interested he is to talk about it. I give him hints like “My Birthday is coming up, some jewelry might be nice” I say smiling with wink. He used to laugh along with me and say “Oh! Jewelry huh? Something from Claire’s?” but anymore he doesn’t even joke. I think he’s starting to get annoyed or something.

The worst part about it is all the questions I’m getting. My mom keeps telling me she wants grandchildren and wants to know when that’ll happen. I’m the last one of my friends to get married so they keep asking me when I’m going to join the married club. And I feel like people at work are constantly staring at my ring finger wondering when it’s finally going to happen.

I’ve heard of fear of commitment. Why won’t he commit? What can I do?

Thank you,

Tired of Waiting.

Tired of Waiting, I asked a good friend of mine and dating coach extraordinare, Rachel Russo to answer your question for you. She’s a dating coach in NYC and I immediately thought of her when you wrote this. Here was her reply:

Oh, no! I feel your pain and so do all the ladies out there who are wondering why their man won’t take the relationship to the next level. I am going to be straight with you, because you sound like a fabulous woman with a great sense of humor who deserves to hear the truth. There are only two options here. 1. He does not want to commit. 2. He does not want to commit to you.

He Either Doesn’t Want to Commit or Doesn’t Want to Commit to You

If it turns out to be the latter, I am sorry. Do not take it personally. You owe it to yourself to find out what is really going on with your boyfriend. Three years is long enough for him to determine if he sees you as his wife or not. You need to have a heart to heart as soon as possible so that you don’t waste your time. Ask him to be honest with you, and be prepared to take action-as in move out and move on-if he tells you that he does not see this working out for the long term.

 Best Case Scenario: He loves you and sees you as his wife, but just isn’t ready yet. If that is the case, decide how long you are willing to be patient with him. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. If marriage is what you want, and he doesn’t propose, be on the next. Don’t worry about the pressure from friends/family. I know it is hard, but, in the end, you are the one who is going to be happily ever after—or not. Take your time and choose the best man for you. 

Need more tips on preparing for marriage? Check out, a website by Rachel Russo, a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. 

One Response to How Do I get My Boyfriend to Commit?

  1. Don’t force being exclusive.
    Usually, the best way to make a man commit to you is to not try too hard. Badgering him to be exclusive so soon might send him running in the opposite direction. Instead, lots of relationship experts opine that it is better to wait for things to be totally exclusive until both of you are ready for commitment. However, making a man feel like you are pushing him into marriage too soon can really terrify him.

Leave a reply