Help, I’m Not in Love with my Spouse Anymore!

Dear Aaron,

I’ve been married for almost 17 years and we were together for two years before that. Our relationship has been good for the most part; We have our fights but we build a bridge and get over them. We’ve raised three fantastic children who are all in their teens now and we live a pretty white bread life in the suburbs. There’s only one problem: I don’t think I’m in love with my husband anymore.

I Wanted Marriage to be More Exciting Than This

I always imagined my marriage to be much more exciting than this. On the weekends, he usually does his own thing and I’ll do mine. We used to try to do things together but we’d end up fighting so we stopped and just agreed to do our own thing. We don’t do anything together at nights, either. He goes to his office and works or watches TV and I stay in the living room watching my own shows. I don’t get excited to come home anymore because he’s just so dull. We have sex sometimes and it’s good but I honestly could probably go without. I find myself fantasizing about other men and what it would be like to be married to them instead of my husband. I’ll also go to chatrooms and talk with other men in order to feel some sort of excitement about being in love because I’m just not right now. The worst part is that I’m worried how long I can stay married before falling in love with someone else.

I don’t want to divorce because we get along well and I’m worried about marrying someone else who’s a jerk. Plus, we have a happy family and I don’t want to break that up. How can I fall back in love again with my husband?

Sincerely,

Married Without Love

Hi MWL,

Thanks for writing. First of all, let me say congratulations for trying to do something about your loveless marriage before you do something like have an affair. Lots of people feel stuck in a loveless marriage but don’t do anything about it until it’s too late. So good for you for being proactive.

Date to Fall in Love Again

There are a couple things you can do to help recreate love and passion again. But perhaps the best thing you can do is start dating again. As you grow older, you both find different interests and hobbies that you didn’t have when you first got married. Instead of exploring these together, a lot of couples do them apart. It’s just easier for your spouse to watch the kids while you go to your interest group. And it’s less expensive than hiring a babysitter. But after so long, couples grow apart and before they know it, they fall out of love. But this isn’t a fatal thing in a relationship.

Date Like You Did When You First Met

Going on dates again does the same thing it did when you first started dating: It helps you get to know each other and find out new things about each other. It’s a bit different practically when you get married but it does the same thing – it helps you get to know each other again. Take him out to places you like and see if he likes them. Go out to places he likes and see if you like them or not. Have an open mind about it and most importantly, talk to each other. Talk about anything but kids and in-laws. You’ll find yourself getting to know each other in new ways and you’ll probably find that you still love each other – you just lost touch.

Regards,

Aaron

6 Responses to Help, I’m Not in Love with my Spouse Anymore!

  1. Just a follow up question. What if you have tried the dating thing and your spouse is unpleasant to be around, uninterested in talking, and you just end up fighting and arguing?

  2. Very good follow up question. I've done this with my wife and it hasn't worked. I'd love to hear the suggestion.

  3. I have a very similar problem. Ive been on and.off with a guy for six years. Ive never been attracted to him but I felt safe with him and I value that over looks. My therapist and every website says to go on dates to create a spark. I suggested it, but he doesnt like to do anything or go anywhere because hes afraid he will have to spend.money.or he doesnt want me to be happy. a couple monthes ago he went to jail during which time.his.exgirlfriend contacted me and told.me that he told her all kinds.of very personal things about me. She also told me.some things about him that made me lose all respect for him. I cant be around a person that I dont respect. Is there anything that can change my low opinion of him or should I just forget he ever existed?

  4. Sounds to me as…you already had your mind set. A couple of you NEVER intended to find a new start with the OP and are placing the blame for the failing relationship the OP, hmmmm to clear your concience and the excuse to leave and keep your "reputation" clean to the outside world? Thinking you were gone before you let this one out of the bag…just a visual observation here…and your OP….is feeling your negativity about them and all of it, therefore…the arguing beginsl Usually…the firmerly unaware OP comes out better in the end with their humility! Think first!! 🙂

  5. "It helps you get to know each other and find out new things about each other."

    I don't accept that Aaron. We have run out of things to talk about. We both know what each other is thinking without even speaking.
    We know each other back-to front – limitations, strengths. We haven't lost touch, we're simply bored and stuck.

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