He Said/She Said: Chatting Isn’t Cheating…Or is it?

He Said/She Said: Chatting Isn’t Cheating…Or is it?

Dear Aaron & Rachel,

I’ve been married 20 years and we have two children together. A few months ago, I found out my wife has been chatting with other guys on Facebook messenger. Some of them are longtime friends and others she just recently met on Facebook. They use words like “my love,” “honey,” etc. I talked to her about it when I first found out, but she said there’s nothing wrong because she doesn’t say these sweet things back; so she refused to stop talking to them.

Then a month ago I found out she was also on Meetme. She has been talking to several guys and talks with them pretty regularly (at least once a week). After my strong complaints she stopped chatting on Meetme but she’s still chatting on Facebook and still says nothing is wrong. Is there something wrong with her chatting online with other guys or am I taking crazy pills?


Going Crazy

She Said

First off, don’t worry: You aren’t crazy. Social media is negatively impacting many modern day relationships and marriages. If your wife continues to seek attention from other men despite your discomfort with it, your relationship can really suffer.

Do you know why she feels the need to communicate with them? Is there something missing from your relationship that she’s getting in this communication with others? You definitely should have a heart to heart about this. Don’t be concerned about what other people think about this. Every couple has to make up their own rules and figure out the boundaries they are comfortable with. What works for one couple may not work for the rest.

The point is: If this is a problem for you, it’s a problem for the relationship. Your wife should not want to hurt you.

He Said 

Infidelity is one of the oldest sins. And with modern technology, many people are finding new ways to do it. Sure, internet chatting isn’t physical cheating but in my experience as a counselor, it has many of the same effects and is often just as damaging to a relationship. Ultimately, it’s a sign of wavering commitment to your partner – the same as infidelity.
With infidelity, it often starts with a few kind words, then some false flirting then touching and it just grows more and more from there to a full physical affair. The same behavior occurs online. It starts with “just chatting” then it becomes flirtatious and then meeting up, etc. If your wife is chatting, using flirtatious words and going on to sites like Meetme (which is for the main reason of meeting people), your wife is following a predictable pattern of infidelity and is very close to a dangerous ledge. Continue to ask her to stop and if her behavior begins to venture back on to meetup sites, then you need to have a frank discussion and even an intervention.
About Rachel:  Rachel Russo is a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. Checkout her website at RachelRusso.com

About Aaron: Aaron Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado and writer for various websites on marriage and relationships.

2 Responses to He Said/She Said: Chatting Isn’t Cheating…Or is it?

  1. It's a fine line between being friendly, flirting and cheating. Every couple has to decide what the boundaries are for their relationship, but also as an individual in the relationship, it's important to know what your own boundaries are and to communicate those with your partner. If it makes you uncomfortable then she should at least discuss it with you openly and honestly rather than shake it off as "it's no big deal." That's just hurtful. Great advice!!

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