Dear Aaron & Rachel,
My boyfriend of four years has a lesbian friend. At first, I was okay with the relationship. Then the longer he & I dated & the more serious we became, he finally disclosed that if she were not a lesbian, she is whom he would be with in a relationship – that he loves her! This has made me very uncomfortable. Especially considering that when they are together, I am not allowed to be around.
My Boyfriend Loves Me AND Someone Else!
When she calls, he pretty much drops everything to attend to her. Not to mention that she treats me very unkind at every opportunity she gets & he defends her actions. I know nothing sexually will happen. However, I always wonder when they are together if he is wishing things were different. If he is wishing that she was the one he was sharing his life with instead of me. He tells me that he loves me more than he has ever loved a woman. However, his words are hard to believe, especially considering all he has disclosed about his feelings for her & his actions towards her. They have been friends for almost 20 years & their relationship was a factor in the demise of his 30 year marriage.
My boyfriend’s in love with a lesbian!
So sorry to hear about your situation with your boyfriend and his friend. To be very clear: You are in an unhealthy relationship
. In fact, you are in a triangle. Three is a crowd here, and it was a crowd in his previous marriage too.
I think your boyfriend needs to be honest with himself. Why is he letting his relationship with this friend get in the way of his relationship with you if he he loves you? Words are words. If he loves you, his actions will show that he does not want to hurt you. If he doesn’t start doing what it takes to make you feel better about your relationship, my suggestion is to break up with him. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and only you!
This is one of the rare times where Rachel and I will disagree (yes, it does happen…sometimes. See?
). I agree with Rachel that you’re caught in a triangle, but do you mind if I ask you why you’re asking him to stop a relationship where there’s no risk of infidelity? Esther Perel,
who is one of the leading minds on sex and relationships, states that we often make these requests to our partners out of our own insecurity and need to be loved.
It’s nice of you to want to be your partner’s one and only but it’s also unrealistic. Your partner is multifaceted and infinitely complex. You simply can’t meet all his needs. So in addition to you he’s going to have friends, hobbies, family members, etc. that will fill his needs, too. There’s no reason to get upset about them, he’s just a multifaceted person. Now, if the relationship with his friend was sexual (or at risk of becoming sexual) then I’d be telling you something else. But as it stands, it seems this is just another close (albeit a little too close) relationship that he enjoys having.
Remember, everybody does things their partner disagrees with. Whether it’s leaving makeup on the sink, leaving dirty underwear on the floor or continuing to support family members who have made bad decisions, sometimes couples just disagree. And just because you’re irritated, doesn’t mean your partner has to change. This inherently makes your relationship manipulative and entrapping. You’re essentially sending him a message that he must do what you say because you’re together and you disagree with what he’s doing.
About Rachel: Rachel Russo is a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. Checkout her website at RachelRusso.com
About Aaron: Aaron Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, owner of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado and writer for various websites on marriage and relationships.