Our sex life changes over the years when we are in a long-term relationship. There is a natural eb and flow in our sex life. Maybe this has to do with a new job. Or it could be that you have just had your first kid. Life has ups and downs and it is normal to expect that your sex life would change along with everything else that’s changing. You might also notice that the kind of sex you have changes over time. And if you’re like most people, you’re wondering whether it’s good or bad. Here are some pretty common ways that your sex life changes and reasons why these are absolutely okay.
Quickies Instead of Romance
I have noticed that couples that are together long-term seem to experience an increase in quickie sex. This could be for a lot of different reasons, but most commonly it is business. The more busy that life gets we take connection when we can find it. When you have kids those dates followed by spending the rest of the night in bed are few and far between when you have kids.
Now obviously we do not want to lose those romantic nights all together. But quickies can still be a benefit to your sex life. They add an element of spontaneity. It breaks up the monotony that we can settle into with the routine of daily life.
This seems to be the most dreaded version of sex. People seem to think that it is sign that you are “past our prime”, “lame”, “unexciting”, yada yada. I wholeheartedly disagree with these sentiments. Particularly if you have kids. If you have more than two kids, I feel pretty confident in saying that you never spontaneously find time for anything.
If life is busy, it is okay to plan sex. As a matter of fact, as a marriage counselor I think that it communicates where your priorities lie. This does not have to look like “Every Tuesday is sex night”. If you have a busy stretch of time, you would still have conversations with your partner about when you can spend time together. Why does this have to be any different for sex?!
You Start Exploring Your Sexuality More
This could take different forms. You and your partner might start to exploring new kinks. This could mean that you want to start trying roleplay, toys BDSM or opening your relationship. Or the ways that you find yourself wanting to explore might be more subtle like trying different styles talking more/less or going slower/faster. Like many things, sex can become very routine if we let it. Humans are biologically sexual creatures. So exploring different sensations can naturally occur when we reach that point because something in us wants to maintain the excitement.
Exploring is less about finding a specific sexual act that changes things. Exploring in your sex life is not a magic bullet. Instead start with your fantasies. Talk with your partner about the things that you already fantasize about and go from there. The key in exploring is that you always communicate with your partner. As with sex in any context, consent is of highest importance.
I think that the ways we change over time in relationships is a beautiful thing. And just because your sex life is different than it used to be, does not mean that is a bad thing. If you are looking for help in your relationship or sex life give The Marriage & Family Clinic a call.
About the Author
Ryan Hicks is a licensed therapist and marriage counselor at The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado. He specializes in working with couples in high conflict and working with couples in the LGBTQ community. When he’s not working with couples, you’ll find him rock climbing or taking in the great outdoors of Colorado.