I recently had a conversation with three amazing woman – the epitome of Destiny’s Child’s Independent Women – however, they all had the same question: Why am I still single? Now it doesn’t take a math genius, or a counselor, to point out the common denominator. However, it goes so much deeper than just choosing the wrong partner and recognizing the pattern among those partners. If any of the following resonate with you, you just might not be ready for partnership you are actually seeking.
You’re Closed Off
If you’ve put up walls, more than likely you are subconsciously going to continue choosing an ill-fitting partner or completely avoid meeting new people. This rigid boundary has been put in place for one reason; to protect you. When your heart is on guard, you are not open to being vulnerable with another person and will continue to choose someone who won’t ask that of you. Consider this, if you want to be in a lasting, loving relationship, why do you continue to choose someone you do not see a future with or someone who is emotionally unavailable?
You’re Emotionally Unavailable
Although you would like to think you are, for lack of a better term, emotionally available, you might want to start getting really honest with yourself. If you are consistently choosing emotionally unavailable partners – those who place other priorities above the relationship, addicts, or those lacking emotional intelligence – chances are you are also emotionally unavailable and, for one or more reasons, not ready for a committed, loving relationship. So, if you see a pattern of choosing partners who aren’t able to connect and commit, it’s time to take a closer look in the mirror and decide if you are even ready for that level of intimacy.
You’re Convinced You’re Not Good Enough
If you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not good enough for a relationship, you will carry yourself differently. Following a break up, I often hear people question, “What’s wrong with me?” While there isn’t anything wrong with you, you still hold tightly to this belief and it rears its ugly head in everything you do, especially in intimate relationships. If you don’t think you’re good enough, you will non-verbally communicate that message to a potential partner. Yes, we’ve all been burned in the past, but if you fear relationships because you don’t feel worthy of one, it’s time to question why you don’t think you’re good enough.
You’re Too Picky
Call it what you will, picky or knowing what you want. Either way, if you have a laundry list of qualities your partner must have, consider the root of your unrealistic expectations. Chances are you are never going to find a partner who meets all your criteria, but if you’re holding out for that person, you’re actually holding yourself back from finding a partner. If you’ve become too picky, more than likely you’re actually trying to protect yourself because it’s easier to say you’re waiting for the right person instead of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone.
Believe it or not, there is a sense of comfort in the freedom that comes with being single. You don’t answer to anyone, you get to choose how to spend your time, there aren’t arguments about how the towels should be folded, and you have personal space. Being single affords you the independence to do as you please. So, if the thought of having to share some of your time makes your cringe, you probably aren’t ready for the closeness you say you desire.
Whether any or all of these statements resonate with you, the underlying issue is the same: You are fearful of love. You are the only person standing in your way of finding a partner, so it’s time to have an honest conversation as to why you’re holding yourself back. If you truly want to find a loving, committed partner, it will be beneficial for you to explore the real reason why you’re still single.