Category Archives: relationship mistakes

The Downside of People Pleasing

The Downside of People Pleasing

My clients often struggle to grasp how their desire to please others at the expense of themselves keeps them stuck. Many of these individuals grew up in families where it was unsafe to share their emotions or opinions. Others received the most love and praise when they were “helping” or “being a good kid”. Regardless of where this behavior originated, it is important to acknowledge the downside of people pleasing. Here are some insights that may inspire you to take steps towards healing and changing your behavior in interpersonal relationships.

 It’s not as selfless as you think!

People pleasers often think that their behaviors are selfless, which is not always the case. In exchange for their sacrifice and tireless efforts, people pleasers will often expect others to respond with praise and appreciation. This gets problematic when their self-worth becomes dependent on other’s opinions of them. When their actions are not met with the praise and appreciation they think they deserve, it causes frustration and resentment. This resentment damages relationships and can lead to tension and disconnection over time.

You don’t have control over other people’s emotions 

People pleasers often falsely believe that they can control other people’s emotions. It can be uncomfortable for them to sit with the negative emotions of coworkers, friends, or family members. Instead of letting others manage their own chaos, people pleasers will often try to “fix it” or offer unsolicited advice. Furthermore, people pleasers will often take other’s emotions personally, assuming that they are the result of something that they did. Because we can never truly control the behaviors of another person, attempting to can lead to frustration and hopelessness.

 Others take advantage of you

In my experience, people pleasers often earn a reputation for themselves in the workplace and in their social circles. When a shift needs to be covered or a friend needs help moving, they are often the first ones called upon because it is hard for them to say “no”. The requestor must look no further, as they already have a guaranteed “yes”. This cycle, often leaves people pleasers feel unconsidered and overburdened because they are taking on more despite their lack of time and energy. However, what is seen as the worse of two evils is the potential of facing a negative reaction or rejection. Taking on tasks beyond their capacity leaves little time for self-care and the opportunity to recharge.

You are giving people the opportunity to love you for who you are

This is perhaps the most upsetting aspect of people pleasing. People pleasers often hide their own emotions, needs, opinions, and preferences to ensure that others are comfortable and to avoid conflict. If this pattern has occurred for long enough, they often become out of touch with their emotions, needs, and preferences altogether. However, by showing up as the person that they think other people want them to be, they are not allowing others the opportunity to truly know and love them. This can limit the depth of relationships, causing them to remain superficial.

Online counseling for betrayal

 

About the Author: Michaela Standhart is a Marriage and Family Therapist Candidate. She specializes in couples therapy and betrayal trauma. Michaela stays sane while practicing social distancing by reminding herself how happy her dog is.

Disconnect to Reconnect: How the Internet Might be Making it Harder to Trust

Disconnect to Reconnect: How the Internet Might be Making it Harder to Trust

One main draw of technology is entering a world that is different from the physical one. Many people find themselves turning away from their partners in times of conflict to seek comfort and engagement online. But this can make becoming disconnected from your relationship, and feeling concerned about your partner’s actions online, a real problem. The internet… Continue Reading

Sick of Having the Same Old Fight?

Sick of Having the Same Old Fight?

You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your partner and suddenly you realize you’ve been here before. This problem has come up many times, and it always leads to the same end: tears, harsh words, and a big gap between you in bed. Like so many couples who find themselves in counseling, you… Continue Reading

Break Free from Relationship Limbo

Break Free from Relationship Limbo

So the story goes, boy meets girl, or boy, or girl meets girl – or some version of the sort.  You date, maybe you fall in love, maybe you don’t.  Either way, as you travel through life together, unbeknownst to you, your partner decides to disembark the love train, leaving you single, grieving, and possibly… Continue Reading

4 Common Mistakes Women Make That Are Hurting Your Marriage

4 Common Mistakes Women Make That Are Hurting Your Marriage

Everyone knows that it takes two to make a marriage work. So you might be surprised to see such a lopsided title. Don’t worry, I  know that men make mistakes, too. I know that it’s not just women who can cause problems in the relationship. So you’re probably wondering why I’m writing an article that’s… Continue Reading

Relationship Resolutions For The New Year

Relationship Resolutions For The New Year

With the New Year approaching, you’re probably thinking about many things you’d like to change. Maybe you’re thinking about finally getting that gym membership. Or maybe you’re going to take the plunge and finally try  that business venture you’ve been thinking about for the last couple of years. Maybe your New Year goals are actually more… Continue Reading

4 Mistakes You’re Making in Your Marriage (But Probably Don’t Know it)

4 Mistakes You’re Making in Your Marriage (But Probably Don’t Know it)

As a marriage counselor, I hear all the time: “I had no idea there were problems until he/she asked me for a divorce”. I even hear comments like this outside of my office when I’m talking to friends or at parties. It’s pretty common for people to be sailing through their marriage thinking that all… Continue Reading

Top 5 Mistakes That Get In The Way of Relationship Bliss

Let’s face it, every person wants to be in a loving and happy relationship. However there are a few common mistakes that often put a damper on relationship bliss. They’re so common that many people don’t even know they’re doing them. Can you relate to any of these blunders? Trying To Change Your Partner Many… Continue Reading

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