Dear Aaron and Rachel,
I am married with one child and and expecting another. I am not at all attracted to my husband and have no desire for sex. He has made it clear to me that regardless he expects and needs sex- if I withhold sex from him he will divorce me. I do not want this because it’s not best for my child whom I love more than anything. My son would be heartbroken without his father and I could never financially provide the life for my children the way my husband and his family can.
So because of that I need to find a way to make this work. I almost always agree to sex whenever he asks (unless I ‘m not feeling well) but it is emotionally unpleasant to have sex because you “have to” and even when you don’t want to. But what is even more disturbing is how little that affects him. He has had no problem using me as a human prop who lies face down, still as a doll, waiting for it to be over.
I feel as if I am in some strange prostitution arrangement. I understand that, being a married man, he should not have to live celibate. I do not believe there is anything he could do to help me overcome my aversion to him at this point – the sacrificial sex has simply hardened me in a way that cannot be thawed. That being said I would like to find a way for it not to weigh so heavily on my heart.
Dear Sacrificial-Sexin-Wife, Your post makes me very sad. Sex is a beautiful thing that you and your husband both deserve to enjoy. If your relationship continues as is, this “sacrificial sexin” will chip away at your self-esteem and destroy whatever respect you and your husband have left for each other.
In other words: If you want to be miserable, keep doing what you are doing. And two miserable parents will probably be worse for your child than life with two divorced parents. If you simply cannot find it in you to enjoy sex with your husband and insist on staying together for the sake of your child, you will have to come up with a plan. You have to find a way for your husband to get his sexual needs met that does not leave you feeling disgusted and objectified. Would you consider an open relationship? This type of arrangement is not without its own challenges. In your case, it may be the best option.
You’re in a predicament that a lot of women and low desire partners have. In fact, the single most popular post on this blog is about someone in your shoes where the husband wants sex and she doesn’t. As a person and as a woman you absolutely have the right to say no to sex whenever you don’t want it. But do you mind if I ask you why you don’t want sex? It’s beautiful thing. It creates passion and connection with your partner. It’s the one thing that sets you two apart from being roommates. And sometimes there’s nothing better than a good orgasm to brighten your day.
Also, if you’re not attracted to your husband, why are you still married? It sounds like you’re married to him for the kids (which Rachel addressed above) and also for his financial stability from him and his family which is not a good basis for a relationship. In fact, it kind of makes you sound like a gold digger. You can’t change him. Only he can do that. So instead of focusing on how bad he makes you feel for wanting sex so much all you can do is focus on you. Focus on what will help you enjoy sex. And focus on what will help you regain your love and affection back into the relationship.
About Rachel: Rachel Russo is a Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach who works with marriage-minded singles and couples in NYC and throughout the US. Checkout her website at RachelRusso.com
About Aaron: Aaron Anderson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, owner of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, Colorado and writer for various websites on marriage and relationships.