You don’t have to be dating very long before you here these fateful words. You’ve either personally heard someone say this to you or you’ve heard your friends complain that someone said that to them. And when you hear this, it usually means two things. 1) you’ve just been friend zoned and 2) the relationship is now over. So it makes it that much worse when you’re the one feeling this way. You don’t want to be the one saying this, but then you don’t want to be in a loveless relationship, either. And you’re certainly not sure if you want it to mean the relationship is over. So what do you?
Don’t get too Scared, This is Normal.
People freak out when they wake up one morning and don’t feel in love with their spouse. And they should. This isn’t good. But even though it freaks you out that you don’t feel in love with your spouse, you need to know that this is normal. Every marriage has ups and downs. You’ve heard this before. But even though you think this means that marriages have minor annoyances that people work through, it actually means what you’re feeling right now – with all the sadness, confusion, and despair – is normal, too.
You can join the club with thousands of other married couples where one of the partners (or both) still loves their spouse but just doesn’t feel that spark for them anymore. It’s a club that no one wants to be in but at least you can have some reassurance that you’re not alone. And like a lot of other couples, you can bring that spark back.
Just Because You’re Not in Love, Doesn’t Mean Your Relationship is Over.
Like I said before, it’s no good to not feel in love with your spouse. You absolutely should feel in love with your spouse. But just because you don’t feel in love with them doesn’t mean your relationship is over. If you’re like most people you’ve probably waited a long time to see if that spark comes back. And you may have even tried doing a few things to help bring it back. But, alas, here you are reading this article which means that those things you tried didn’t work. But you’re still waiting and maybe even hoping that something will happen like it did at the beginning of the relationship and you’ll suddenly start feeling those feelings again. Well, you don’t have to just sit there and wait. You can do things to fall in love again.
You Didn’t Actually “Fall” in Love
Actually, you didn’t really ‘fall’ in love in the first place. Think back to when you were dating for just a sec. Now, I don’t just mean think back to when you were dating your spouse, I mean think back to when you were dating generally. There were times you felt that spark for someone and there were times you didn’t. You couldn’t really help who you fell in love with – or at least so you thought. Regardless of how involuntary it seemed when you fell in love, there were a lot of things you did to help that happen: You took some time getting ready for the date, you put on those pants that made you look just right, You shaved your legs and maybe even your bikini area just in case you were going to get lucky.
Not only did you put some effort into how you looked, but you put some effort into how you behaved. Maybe you were a little more flirty, or a little more outgoing. Maybe you even made some effort into planning the dates or doing something nice for him. The point is that you put some effort into it. Feeling in love didn’t come as “natural” as you might have thought it did. You had to put some work into it.
You Felt it Once You Can Feel it Again
Being in love and staying in love takes work. And it doesn’t always come naturally. You and your partner change over time (you should, it’s called life) and it takes work to continue growing with each other and falling in love as you’re both changing. The good news is that you already had pieces of them you loved, and you loved those pieces enough to marry him. You have a good foundation. All you have to do is make some effort and you can have that loving feeling back again.
About the Author:
Aaron Anderson is a marriage counselor and Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. He is a writer, speaker and relationship expert. He specializes in working with couples learn to communicate and overcome sexual difficulties.