Not only have I heard this question from others, but this has become a plaguing and frequent question I ask myself. In fact, this very question has become somewhat traumatic for me to face and even attempt to answer! There tends to be so much fear in the “what if” moments and assumptions about what the future may hold. There is no magic secret recipe to finding out if the guy you’re with “is the one”, but I’ve put together a few ideas that increase the chances of a successful relationship.
Tips for a Successful Relationship
Don’t be afraid to fall in love! There have been several surveys done over the years on how many times you can fall in love in a lifetime. From my research, you can fall in love up to 7 times! Well that’s not comforting if you’re like me and need specific yes and no answers and have the need to cut as many variables as possible out. So what to do? Accept. Accept the love you have for someone openly with yourself, partner and others. Don’t let the “what if’s” stop you from being with the one you’re with now. If it’s not meant to be – you will know.
Have people on your team. Have supporters you trust to tell you if the relationship you’re in is healthy and stable. Having gone through a divorce, I have a good deal of fear when I think of trusting and exchanging vows again. Being able to bounce fears and ideas off the ones I love and trust has been very helpful because they will tell me if I’m being crazy, stupid or if I need to move on. These people are people who know me very well and speak not only highly of me, but of the people I’ve dated. They never put people down, but have the courage to say when something is not right in the relationship. When your team supports you in who you’re with, your fears diminish and you have more security in your decisions.
Makes the best come out of you! We should never be dependent on our partners making us better, worse or in charge of our happiness. However being with someone who encourages you to be a better person, or brings happiness into our lives is a different story. We get to choose to be with someone who is going to affirm us; point out our good qualities; support our dreams; and be willing to hold us accountable when our actions or attitudes are poor.
Protect your heart! We cannot determine or control the actions of our partners, but we can set expectations for how we want to be treated and protected. Personally I want to be with someone who can be direct with me; trust I can handle the worst of them; be honest; and who see’s meeting your needs as a gift rather than a burden. I recently heard a comment that meeting the needs of your partner can be abused and turn into manipulation! This is very true, but I find that only to exist in toxic and poor communication relationships. Meeting needs is a form of protecting the connection between you and your partner and not something to be taken for granted.
Are You His Only One?
I want to know I’m the only woman he wants! Ladies, we want to be with someone who recognizes our contributions and gifts to the relationship. We want to know our partner’s needs are met, we fill up their cup and they feel cared for by us. I don’t want my partner wanting another woman or someone else because I’m not paying attention to his needs. I want him to feel safe and secure enough to tell me what he needs. I also believe if he is finding himself attracted to someone else he has the courage to talk about it with me. I once heard a pastor talk about being open with your partner about attraction outside of your marriage. He stated if you can do this, the other attraction tends to lose its hold on you.
Of course we want to be with someone we are compatible with – shared interests, goals, love language, values, beliefs, etc. but don’t forget these things to enrich the connection and safety of a long lasting relationship.