Everyone feels a little insecure at times. They’re worried that they may not be liked or that they may not fit in in certain circles. Some insecurity is okay. Because people want to fit in, it keeps them from doing dumb things that may get them in trouble or ostracized (like saying or doing hurtful things). But too much insecurity is actually harmful to you and your relationship. And your insecurity sabotages your relationship in ways you may not realize.
How Insecurity Can Ruin Your Relationship
Underlying everyone’s feelings of insecurity is a belief that you won’t be liked. As a result, you are always trying to gain the approval of others around you. You try to gain their approval by portraying a type of personality that you think they’ll like. In a relationship, insecurity is evidenced when you’re always trying to please your partner at your own expense. Because of insecurity, you worry that if you don’t always try to please them that they may leave you. And the thought of them leaving you is unbearable. If you can just be the spouse that your partner wants, they won’t leave you. This means that you do the things they want you to do. You may wear your hair like they want you to, or dress like they like you to, or go out to eat where they like to, etc. But this kind of insecurity will ruin your relationship. here’s why:
1) Your partner wants someone unique, not a chameleon. People are attracted to others because of their unique characteristics. They like someone with exciting hobbies, an interesting career, a fun personality, etc. If you’re so insecure with yourself that you try to fit in with whatever your partner likes then you’re not being the unique, exciting person that people are attracted to. Your partner will eventually get bored of you (because you’re just like everyone else) and will look for someone unique and exciting instead.
2) You’ll eventually get tired of not being yourself. When you try hard to meet someone else’s expectations without being true to yourself you eventually become tired of trying to be someone you’re not and you get burnt out. You either fall into a sort of depression or you become angry. Either way, this depression/anger makes you unhappy in the relationship and you want out. This isn’t your partner’s fault, it’s your own for not being true to yourself in the first place and misleading them into believing you’re somebody that you’re really not.
3) You don’t allow your partner to love you for who you really are. Your insecurity, and wanting so strongly to be liked by everyone, allows you to be around people that don’t really like you for you.They can’t like you for you because they don’t know who you really are. You’re too busy trying to portray yourself as someone you think they’ll like. This is a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy because you believe you’re not good enough for people to like and then you surround yourself with people that don’t really know you and don’t really like you for who you really are.This is the same with your partner. You try to shape yourself into someone that you think they’ll like but don’t really allow them to fall in love with the real you. This creates a shallow relationship and eventually they feel that the relationship has “hit a dead end” and want out.
The best way to stop letting your insecurity sabotage your relationship(s) is to take a good, honest look at yourself. Do some self-exploration and find out who you really are – warts and all. Become comfortable in your own skin and with your own personality. Don’t try to hide who you really are just to be liked. There are enough people in the world that you’ll find people with similar interests, hobbies, personality, etc., that like you for you. This will also help you find a relationship that you don’t have to be so insecure about, too. Because you’re being your true self you’ll find someone who likes you for you and wouldn’t leave you for anything. You may not be perfect, but you’ll find someone who is perfect for you – the real you.