If sex isn’t happening, or if you or your partner are not satisfied with your sex life, there are likely conflicts in the relationship. You’ve heard it before, but being able to be physically intimate and have sex is what distinguishes romantic relationships from other relationships. Considering this, how are you and your partner addressing your sex life? Is sex a forbidden topic? Do you worry about hurting each other’s feelings if you talk about sex and what you want? Or, are you completely open about stating your sexual needs and desires? Wherever you and your partner are in regards to sex and physical intimacy, it can’t hurt to brush up on the keys to a satisfying sex life. Check out these 3 tips to BRING BACK SEX in your relationship!
As a couple’s therapist, I hear it all the time! To have better sex, there needs to be intimacy. But, how do you build intimacy in a relationship without the physical act of sex? And what does “good” intimacy mean to you, your partner, and your relationship together? Intimacy is building a strong connection with your partner and feeling close to them. So, how do you build intimacy? There are a variety of ways in which couples can be intimate (without having sex), but: having open conversations, talking about your feelings, talking about your dreams, planning time to be together as a couple, trying new things together, and being supportive of each other are starters.
Now, may be you’re wondering why this tip is talking about intimacy without sex when this article is about bringing sex back. Well, more times than not, when couples start exploring difficulties to sex, intimacy (without sex) tends to be a concern. To be sexually intimate, you need to be intimate in other areas too. Don’t believe it? Try to be more intimate with your partner, without sex, and see how this rekindles sex!
2. Think About When Sex Is A Problem
If you and your partner are struggling to engage in the physical act of sex, think about when sex starts to become an issue. Does it start with foreplay? Is it during sex? Is it the way sex finishes? When trying to improve sex, it’s important to be open and honest about when sex starts to be a problem so that you and your partner know the areas that can be improved upon.
If sex starts to be an issue with foreplay, think about what you want foreplay to look like! What gets you in the mood for sex? What are things you and your partner want to try? Has foreplay ever been satisfying, and if so, what were you doing then?
If sex is an issue during sex, think about why. Do either one of you feel pressure to have “good” sex which is creating anxiety? Are there any medical reasons as to why it’s difficult to have sex? Are you and your partner trying the things that are satisfying for each other? Do you feel secure to be physically vulnerable with your partner?
If sex is an issue in the way that sex finishes, why is that? What does “finishing” mean to you and your partner? Do you have the same definition? When are times that you are able to finish in the way that you desire? Are there any medical reasons as to why you can’t finish in the way that you desire?
Although these questions are just a starting point, it is important to have clarity about when sex is a problem in order to be working on the right area. It’s important to be open and honest with your partner (and vice versa) so that you can have a mutual understanding about sex, when sex is an issue, and clarity as to what each of you desire.
3. Be Intentional
There’s always a long list of reasons why sex needs to be on the back burner. And let’s be honest, this way of thinking is not helping bring sex back! As a couple’s therapist, this comes up ALL the time. Couples need to be in the “right mood”, schedules are too busy for sex, it’s hard to have sex when you don’t have the house to yourself, you’re tired, etc. Although all of these things are true, when can you ever have sex if sex has so many requirements? Be intentional in bringing sex back to the relationship. Schedule time for sex; take advantage of available opportunities; and don’t wait for the desire to just magically come, be intentional in creating the desire. Being intentional in having sex is the only way that sex will actually happen.
What do you think? Are you ready to BRING BACK SEX to your relationship? Put these tips to the test! Build intimacy, think about when sex is a problem and work on that area, and be intentional in making sex happen.
Amanda Cummins is an associate therapist with The Marriage and Family Clinic. She focuses on working with couples in distress as well as families and children in transitions. As a Denver Native, Amanda enjoys hiking, yoga, and spending time with her family.