Thinking about family holidays often brings about mental images of laughing families around the Thanksgiving table or the Christmas tree. But if you’re like of the families in the U.S. Right now, you’re family doesn’t look like the nuclear family with a mother, father, and 2.3 children. The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but for a blended family they can also be the most stressful.
The chances are, you’re navigating holidays as some sort of blended or non-nuclear family. The holidays for a blended family can bring up a lot of questions like: “Whose house should the children spend Christmas morning?” “How do we navigate our different holiday traditions in the midst of our new family?” “What if new partners or ex-partners create tension?”. This is a season that can bring both joy and stress- especially when attempting to blend multiple families, traditions, histories and expectations.
Embrace Change in your Blended Family
While your family may not look like the nuclear family that seems to be depicted in all the movies this time of year, that doesn’t mean you have to try to. The most important reminder to hold onto during this season is that change is normal. Even “traditional” nuclear families are facing change every year as their family grows and changes. Don’t feel bad if your blended family is facing growing pains, too. Remember than within normal (and needed) change is discomfort. Discomfort is not a sign that you are doing things wrong. Change doesn’t happen inside of peoples’ comfort zones so if you’re feeling uncomfortable, worried, stressed or even like you’d rather just not do whatever it is you’re worried about, that’s a sign that change is happening and instead of trying to shirk from it, embrace it.
Blending families means blending emotional patterns, values, and dreams. This process will have its fair amount of bumps in the road – and even more so during the holidays when expectation and stress are higher than typical. The goal for the holidays is not perfection is it in progress – moving towards harmony and connection.
Focus on Connection – Not Tradition
Shifting the focus from tradition and to connection allows for this progress to occur. It can be tempting to try to recreate holidays from the past and preserve each and every tradition. This is really, really common. People are creatures of habit and do what they know. So in your blended family, when the issue arises over whose Christmas vision will take center stage or which families’ traditions will be kept and whose won’t, try focusing instead on the holiday you want to recreate, shift into planning with your family the holiday you all want to create. “What shared memories do you want to create together this year?” “How can each person contribute to create new traditions within the family?” By shifting from preserving past experiences into creating new shared memories it opens up the possibility for developing even more meaningful traditions for moving forward.
The holidays can bring about difficult co-parenting conversations as suddenly some days hold more important meaning than the next. It is critical the focus remains family centered rather than fairness centered. Attempting to focus on what would be best for the new family altogether helps to guide conversations even when emotions get high. Lastly, keep transitions smooth for yourselves by providing built in decompression time between transitions. The holidays are often busy seasons, allowing for time for your blended family and for yourself to settle in between transitions can provide more structure and peace for everyone.
Free Yourself from the Burden of Expectations
Lastly, it is tempting and easy to place expectations on yourself as a parent during the holidays. This can often sound like ‘I need to keep everyone happy’, or ‘I need to make sure the Holidays are really special for everyone’. Remove the pressure of this goal this year by giving yourself (and your family) permission to be let go of these expectations and just be present wherever you are emotionally. As stated above, discomfort is part of change, and often occurs alongside other emotions, such as sadness, grief, and frustration. When the goal is moved from ‘picture perfect holiday’ to ‘connected during this holiday’ it allows room for these emotions to arise and be met with empathy.
This holiday may look very different for you and your family this year. Blending families during the holidays is rarely picture-perfect—but it can be deeply meaningful. With flexibility, empathy, and intentional communication, your family can create new memories that reflect who you are now—not just where you came from.
