Every marriage goes through hard times. And when these hard times come, you wonder whether the relationship is over or if it can be saved. In fact, one of the most common questions I get as a marriage counselor from my clients in a first session is: “So what’s your impression, Is it over?”
My response to them is always that it depends. It depends on both partners’ willingness to continue trying to make it work. When one of the partners gives up, that’s when the relationship ends. But as long as both people are willing to keep trying, then the prognosis is usually pretty good.
When I tell them that, I usually get another common question to follow up with the first. The question usually goes something like this: “So how do I know when my partner is done?”. It makes sense, right? If you’re in a relationship that you’re trying to make work, you don’t want your partner to suddenly decide to call it quits and leave you hanging out there. It’s pretty crushing when your partner calls it quits. If only you had known before, you could have saved yourself some time and heartache.
So how do you know when your partner is done with the relationship? In my experience as a couples and marriage counselor, there are some pretty predictable signs for both men and women when they’re done with the relationship. And they’re unique depending on their gender. So today I’m going to give some tips on how to know when it’s over from HIS point of view. Stay tuned, though, I’ll give you some tips of when it’s over from HER point of view soon enough.
Signs That He’s Done With The Relationship
1) He Doesn’t Participate Around The House Much. Men love to be involved with stuff around the house. Whether it’s fixing the rain gutters, painting the kids’ room, etc. men just love to be involved and “fix things”. But if he’s done with the relationship, he doesn’t see the point in putting effort into a project that he may be leaving behind for another man.
2) He Withdraws More and More. If you keep inviting him to do stuff with you (in the house or out) and he keeps saying no. That’s a pretty good sign that he’s done with the relationship. Men may not be good at asking you to go places with them, but they’re usually more than happy to go along with whatever their wife has planned. If he gets to the point where he doesn’t even want to do that, that’s a pretty good sign that he’s given up.
3) He Doesn’t Want Sex as Much. I know, I know. All men want sex all the time, right? Wrong. Even men have standards. If he’s not feeling as connected or close, he’s not going to want sex as much. Sex might still happen but it’s going to be less frequently. He’s also more likely to bring his smartphone, kindle or magazine to bed because it serves as a useful distraction and keep his mind off of sex.
4) Sex Becomes Bland and Stale. In addition to your husband not wanting sex as much, the sex that you are having is going to become bland, stale and more focused on him. If he’s not feeling invested in you anymore, he’s not going to bother so much with making sure that you’re getting what you want out of the bedroom. For you, that’s going to feel like sex is bland, stale and boring. Because it is – for you.
5) He Gets Really Into Movies, Video Games, Going Out With Friends, etc. When a man isn’t feeling invested in the relationship anymore he does things that don’t include you – like playing video games, watching movies or going out with other friends. He does this because he is no longer considering your feelings of what you want or what will make you happy. He’s considering himself and what he wants.
Men and Women are Different
A lot of times, I’ll have a client come into my office and and tell me that she never the divorce coming.
There might have been difficulties but she didn’t know that the difficulties were so severe that her husband wanted a divorce. She feels surprised and even betrayed that her husband didn’t tell her that things were going so bad. The husband on the other hand usually tells me a different story. He tells me something like “How could she not know?” I was telling her loud and clear that I was unhappy. And even if I wasn’t saying it, I was sure showing it.
Knowing these signs can help you to know how severe the problems are in the relationship and also help you see it from his perspective. Knowing these signs can help you to talk to your husband when you see these difficulties and can help you to preempt problems so you don’t get caught off guard. More importantly, knowing these difficulties can help you to also address difficulties before they become so difficult that it causes permanent damage – or dissolution – to each other.