4 Tips on Compromising How Often You Have Sex

4 Tips on Compromising How Often You Have Sex

affectionate-coupleIn movies we always see happy couples have sex in the same ways. It’s always spontaneous, passionate, and frequent. Now think about your sex life with your partner – it’s a little (or much) different, right? A lot of couples I see say that they want to have more sex, but have different views ; “but my partner wants it all the time,” or “they never want to have sex.” But what if I told you that you and your partner are a lot closer in how often you want to have sex?

Sit down with your partner and write on a piece of paper how often you think the other person ideally wants to have sex each week. Then below that, write how often you want to have sex each week. Compare these numbers – you’ll usually find that they actually want sex a similar amount to you. There will still usually be one of you who wants sex more or less, which is totally normal. But the question is: how can I compromise but still feel satisfied with how often we have sex?

For the partner who wants sex more

Schedule Sex: This can sound like a very unnatural and unexciting thing to try in your sex life, but it can be the exact opposite. Scheduling sex is important because it sends the message that you both think sex is important, and are willing to carve out a time in your week to do just that. Having a time where you know you will have sex may let you feel less urgency to have sex at other points during the week. It can also be exciting because this can be a time that you and your partner can try different positions, add in toys, or incorporate anything else that you want to try out.

couple-playing-in-bed-2Incorporate Non-Sexual Touch: For a lot of people, the urge to have physical contact doesn’t necessarily mean  they must have sex. You might be just as satisfied and have your needs filled if you are simply able to touch, and be touched by your partner. Instead of expecting a back massage or a long kiss to lead to sex, just enjoying giving or receiving a massage. Non-sexual touch is a great way to feel close and loving to your partner, without any pressure.

For the partner who wants sex less

smiling-coupleGo on Dates: You and your partner probably work a lot, and don’t have much free time away from the kids and other responsibilities. You may have thought or even said before that you just don’t have time, or are too tired for sex. Going on dates is not only an opportunity to spend a romantic night out together to raise that desire for sex, but it’s great to simply feel energized and more connected to your partner. Without having work to think about, or the kids to deal with for a couple hours can make it feel like you’re dating again.

Think Erotically of Your Partner: A big reason why couples have less sex is that they don’t think of each other as a sexual being like they did when they first dated. Reverse this; during the day, think about what you like about your partner. Think about their smile, their body, something sexy they said to you before, or a time you had sex before that was incredibly pleasing. Picturing someone in this way will eventually have you naturally thinking of them sexually.

Again, the point is to compromise so that you’re both satisfied, not to just give in to what your partner wants. And compromise doesn’t have to be a chore, it can actually be a lot of fun, which is what sex should be.



About the Author

Ben King is a Marriage and Family Therapist Candidate at The Marriage and Family Clinic who focuses on working with couples experiencing sexual difficulties. In his spare time Ben loves to cook and is secretly aspiring to be the next Iron Chef

3 Responses to 4 Tips on Compromising How Often You Have Sex

  1. So for the man…its “schedule sex”. He is still getting the same or less than he wants. And for the woman…its think about sex more.
    Bottom line…the person wanting less determines the frequency.
    We went to a marriage counselor for this….and the female counselor suggested a compromise. I agreed. Wife agreed. I want sex 7 times a week. She wants sex <1time a week. So..7 divided by 2 is 3.5. I said id settle for 3. Both wife and counselor said that wasn't a compromise. Their idea of compromise was for me to want sex less…and the wife to stay the same. See….wife was all for compromise until she realized that shed have to have more sex. Luckily…I found an accommodating female friend or 3. Now I don't even ask for sex…from wife. I find it elsewhere.

    • Sorry to hear about your bad experience with a marriage counselor. It’s sad, but a lot of counselors who call themselves marriage counselors don’t actually have much training in it. It sounds like you found a compromise that works for YOU now why don’t you tell your wife about it? It’s very controlling of her to say that you can’t have sex with anyone else AND that you can’t have sex with her, either. This will tell her you don’t want to be sexually controlled, it will open up communication and maybe it will help you re-open lines of communication. It’s important to be open in a relationship and if she’s not okay with it then she needs to consider alternatives that are okay so you can both be sexually satisfied in your marriage.

      • No…like most women she would freak and run to an attorney. Now…and it has been this way for white some time….I get all I want and she gets none.

Leave a reply