In movies we always see happy couples have sex in the same ways. It’s always spontaneous, passionate, and frequent. Now think about your sex life with your partner – it’s a little (or much) different, right? A lot of couples I see say that they want to have more sex, but have different views ; “but my partner wants it all the time,” or “they never want to have sex.” But what if I told you that you and your partner are a lot closer in how often you want to have sex?
Sit down with your partner and write on a piece of paper how often you think the other person ideally wants to have sex each week. Then below that, write how often you want to have sex each week. Compare these numbers – you’ll usually find that they actually want sex a similar amount to you. There will still usually be one of you who wants sex more or less, which is totally normal. But the question is: how can I compromise but still feel satisfied with how often we have sex?
For the partner who wants sex more
Schedule Sex: This can sound like a very unnatural and unexciting thing to try in your sex life, but it can be the exact opposite. Scheduling sex is important because it sends the message that you both think sex is important, and are willing to carve out a time in your week to do just that. Having a time where you know you will have sex may let you feel less urgency to have sex at other points during the week. It can also be exciting because this can be a time that you and your partner can try different positions, add in toys, or incorporate anything else that you want to try out.
Incorporate Non-Sexual Touch: For a lot of people, the urge to have physical contact doesn’t necessarily mean they must have sex. You might be just as satisfied and have your needs filled if you are simply able to touch, and be touched by your partner. Instead of expecting a back massage or a long kiss to lead to sex, just enjoying giving or receiving a massage. Non-sexual touch is a great way to feel close and loving to your partner, without any pressure.
For the partner who wants sex less
Go on Dates: You and your partner probably work a lot, and don’t have much free time away from the kids and other responsibilities. You may have thought or even said before that you just don’t have time, or are too tired for sex. Going on dates is not only an opportunity to spend a romantic night out together to raise that desire for sex, but it’s great to simply feel energized and more connected to your partner. Without having work to think about, or the kids to deal with for a couple hours can make it feel like you’re dating again.
Think Erotically of Your Partner: A big reason why couples have less sex is that they don’t think of each other as a sexual being like they did when they first dated. Reverse this; during the day, think about what you like about your partner. Think about their smile, their body, something sexy they said to you before, or a time you had sex before that was incredibly pleasing. Picturing someone in this way will eventually have you naturally thinking of them sexually.
Again, the point is to compromise so that you’re both satisfied, not to just give in to what your partner wants. And compromise doesn’t have to be a chore, it can actually be a lot of fun, which is what sex should be.
About the Author
Ben King is a Marriage and Family Therapist Candidate at The Marriage and Family Clinic who focuses on working with couples experiencing sexual difficulties. In his spare time Ben loves to cook and is secretly aspiring to be the next Iron Chef