3 Reasons Why Your Sex Life Sucks

3 Reasons Why Your Sex Life Sucks

Everyone knows that marriage isn’t all roses. Yes, there are still Prince Charming fallacies out there where people think that marriage will be mostly like a fairy tale, but for the most part people seem to understand that marriage is also a lot of work. Unfortunately, people still don’t understand just how much work it is. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is one of the greatest things in the world, but it’s also one of the most trying things. And nowhere is this more evident than in the bedroom.

If you’re like most couples your fights in the bedroom are usually about one 1 of 2 things: 1) your partner wants sex all the time. And because they want sex so much you feel pressured, used, and feel like your spouse only wants you for sex. Or 2) Your partner never wants sex. Because of this you feel rejected, shut down, and unloved. You think your partner doesn’t want you for anything more than just a roommate.

Because you and your partner can’t make any resolutions about sex, you fight back and forth trying to tell each other how you feel but it doesn’t seem to get you anywhere. And this wouldn’t be so bad if your fights stayed inside the bedroom. But whenever you fight about sex there’s distance and tension for a couple days afterwards. If only you could find out why you fight so much. If only you could understand why you and your partner can’t come up with a resolution to your sexual problems. Well, look no further. I have three right reasons for you right here:

3 Reasons Your Sex Life Sucks

1) You’re not putting in enough effort outside the bedroom. You’ve heard this before, but no matter how cliche’ it is, it’s true. You really do have to put in effort outside the bedroom in order for it to be great inside the bedroom. The truth is, the bedroom is a metaphor for the rest of the relationship. If you have a bad relationship outside the bedroom, you can’t have a great relationship inside the bedroom. You just can’t let yourself go sexually with someone you don’t like. So delve deep and try to find out what’s going on that’s keeping you two from connecting. This applies to the low libido spouse, too. It’s not your spouse’s job to woo you and make you feel like having sex. You have work to do outside the bedroom, too, in order to find out why you’re resenting sex so much.

2) Your expectations are too high. Everyone has seen movies with gratuitous sex scenes in them. In the scene(s) it probably showed a couple who were mutually into whatever the other person was doing. For example, he would pin her against the wall and start kissing her while she’d wrap her legs around him and kiss him back as though she couldn’t get enough of him. Or they would go out on a romantic date in the picturesque part of town to the new, trendy restaurant and walk home together while they both talked about their deepest secrets. The truth is, your partner might not be in to being pinned against the wall. And they might not be in to long walks and fancy restaurants, either. If you think this is what marriage is supposed to be like, you need to stop watching so many movies.

The truth is, your partner usually doesn’t magically know everything that they like. Sure, things look good in the movies but the actors are paid to make it look that way. Trying those things in real life feels a lot different. Plus, your partner changes with time. They might not like the same things they used to like. Instead of assuming your marriage is supposed to be like you see in the movies, talk openly with your partner about what they like and what they don’t. Experiment openly with them

3) You’re selfish. This is the hard news that nobody wants to hear. You’d rather believe that it’s your spouse’s fault your sex life sucks. After all, if they’d just stop wanting sex so much, or if they’d just start wanting sex more, then your sex life would dramatically improve. But you’re contributing to your sexual problems, too. And the most common way you’re contributing to the problems is that you’re being selfish.

It’s a selfish position to believe your spouse should satisfy all your sexual needs. It’s also a selfish position to deny your partner’s sexual needs Either way, if you weren’t being so selfish, your partner would feel more loved, more sexual, and your problems would decrease – a lot. So, get over yourself and focus on your spouse more – whatever their needs/desires are.

Stop The Stalemate
Yes, it would be nice if your spouse would stop being so selfish and think about you more. But you don’t have to wait for them in order to begin making your relationship better. You can start taking unilateral actions to make your relationship better. Working on any of the three things above are a great start to getting your sex life back on track. Instead of waiting for them, go ahead and make the first move. You might just get lucky!

16 Responses to 3 Reasons Why Your Sex Life Sucks

  1. What if you meet your partners needs but have no emotional connection to your partner and they blame you for it.

  2. If your meeting their sexual needs with no emotional attachment to them, you're doing something called sacrificial sex. And after a while, this normally only makes you feel resentful and bitter. Me and Rachel Russo wrote about that in another post here: (like in this previous post http://blog.themarriageandfamilyclinic.com/2014/05/dear-aaron-and-rachel-i-am-married-with.html) Enjoy!

    Also, I would question whether you're really meeting your partner's needs. As humans we thrive on connection and attachment with another human being. When we get married we make vows to be that connected with each other. If you're meeting your partner's sexual needs but not emotional needs, you're not really meeting their needs. And if your partner is demanding sexual needs to be met without wanting an emotional connection you (they) got other, bigger problems.

    • I’ve been married for 20yrs and i always do what he want. I am never allowed my owe thoughts with out ridicule. We’ve also had a great sex life until recently, I take full blame because now I’ve view him as only as an awesome sexual encounter, until recently he decided he only wants to do anything that pleases him. Now I can’t even stand looking at him let alone kissing him. What am I supposed to do? He won’t let me out of the relationship and if he did we have way too much baggage to hold on my own or his own.

  3. You are as much responsible for your sex life as your partner is … I always tell people that you should ALWAYS come to the party. The article definitely outlines some great points, especially regarding putting in the effort. Often times people stop having fun with sex and it becomes mechanical … bring back the fun & passion!!

  4. GAWD! I am SO glad my man and I don't fight in the bedroom!!! We have a great relationship! WHEW!!!! THANK GOD! I've been in these other situations with my ex husband, and it stemmed from a few things… 1) We married for the wrong reasons (we thought it was the thing to do and were far too young and idealistic… even though we weren't really in love or all that attracted to each other – crazy, right?) 2) We had no chemistry, and 3) We had serious issues because we married for the wrong reasons, so all of those other issues created from marrying someone we weren't really all that into… well they just built up and made the bedroom situation even worse! BLECH!!!!! Good post Aaron!

  5. Great post – especially #1!!! Couples can sometimes forget that a healthy sex life requires some effort in the relationship – and it goes both ways. We are responsible for communicating our needs as well as putting forth the effort.

  6. What if you state your needs, and show hints, and are touchy alot. But your partner is reluctant to get into bed. Calls you pushy? I try not to be but I’m 24 and hot and bothered all the time.how do I peek their interest again?

    • The simple answer is that it’s not your job to peak their interest again. It’s your job to be inviting, warm, caring, etc. But it’s ultimately your partner who has to put themselves in the mood. If they never feel in the mood then there could be a number of things going on that they need to get checked out. There could be medical or psychological things going on. Either way, don’t pressure yourself to know the magic combination to unlock your partner’s sexuality. That’s their job.

      • Your job is to walk away now.
        She doesn’t want you and doesn’t care that she’s stealing your sexuality.
        Don’t wait until you’re 55 and too old to find an adventurous lover.

  7. My boyfriend and I have been together eighteen years. We are in our late fifties early sixties. I am 56 and still love sex. But the only time we do it is at three in the morning and once he is done five minutes it’s over. I tried going to bed early with him but no. He claims he is a morning man. So who is being selfish.

  8. So my wife seems to like sex less every year that we’ve been married. I still love her and find her attractive. I would love to have sex 4-5 times a week but she would be fine with twice a month. I’ve gotten so beat down from her rejections that I haven’t tried to have sex with her in over a month. And I don’t think I want to try anymore.

    • Are you okay with that level of intimacy? If not, have you suggested she see somebody about it? There’s no harm in starting a conversation about it.

    • Amen. Same here, my wife has no initiative or enthusiasm in the bed room. It’s always me who compliments her on how she looks or how she should be more less shy about her sexuality. Last night i waited for her to put the move on me instead she stayed up all night on her cell phone on facebook watching videos. That shit just made me feel less good about myself. To be honest out sex comparability is not equal she lacks a lot of skills and she is too subconscious about her self. She think sex is a bad thing that why do “YOU” men always think about sex? When it comes to sex i am very opened to talk about her needs and wants it seems as if she is content on how our sex life is. To me a realtionship is about to people looking out for one another and growing together in a positive way learning from each other. I am not asking for a porn star wife, just a wife who is up to par with me in the bedroom and who is never afraid or too shy to try new things to spicy up our relationship. I’ve always encourage her to let her wild side out, to dress more sexy to do her makeup try exercise and take good care of her body. Shes a beautiful Salvadorian in her early 40s but looks like shes in her high school years due to the face shes 1/4 Filipina. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I was so down yesterday while walking at mall i stop at a water fountain and threw a dime wishing for a better wife…my dream wife. Sad that one has to resort to silly acts like that.

  9. Amen. Same here, my wife has no initiative or enthusiasm in the bed room, its as if she treats it like a chore and has to do it because its her duty as a wife. It’s always me who compliments her on how she looks or how she should be more less shy about her sexuality. Last night i waited for her to put the move on me instead she stayed up all night on her cell phone on facebook watching videos. That shit just made me feel less good about myself. To be honest out sex comparability is not equal she lacks a lot of skills and she is too subconscious about her self. She think sex is a bad thing that why do “YOU” men always think about sex? When it comes to sex i am very opened to talk about her needs and wants it seems as if she is content on how our sex life is. To me a realtionship is about to people looking out for one another and growing together in a positive way learning from each other. I am not asking for a porn star wife, just a wife who is up to par with me in the bedroom and who is never afraid or too shy to try new things to spicy up our relationship. I’ve always encourage her to let her wild side out, to dress more sexy to do her makeup try exercise and take good care of her body. Shes a beautiful Salvadorian in her early 40s but looks like shes in her high school years due to the face shes 1/4 Filipina. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I was so down yesterday while walking at mall i stop at a water fountain and threw a dime wishing for a better wife…my dream wife. Sad that one has to resort to silly acts like that.

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