Get Your Marriage out of That Rut!

Get Your Marriage out of That Rut!

Time and time again couples sit on my couch telling me about how bland and boring their marriage has become. They complain that they just don’t have any fun anymore. Even when they go on dates, it’s just not as romantic as it used to be. They’ll go out and do something together but don’t really talk about much they haven’t already talked about. They’ll have friends over for dinner but spend most of the time talking with their friends instead of their spouse. And at the end of the date nights, they both find themselves in an awkward moment getting ready for bed wondering if their partner is wanting sex. Sure, the date was nice but they’re not sure if it was nice enough for their partner (or themselves) to be in the mood or not. They still feel kind of bland about their partner even after a decent date.

Yes, all couples go through ups and downs but just because your marriage is a bit down doesn’t mean it’s okay. You need to make some deliberate effort to begin improving it again or you’ll find yourself making decisions you wish you didn’t have to make in your marriage. It takes some work to get your marriage out of a rut. If it came naturally, you wouldn’t be in a rut right now. So instead of sitting around waiting for the stars to re-align, here are some things you can do to get your marriage back to being good again.

Tips to Get Your Marriage out of a Rut

couple-on-date-in-city1. Do a date night. I know, I know. you’ve heard this over and over again. You’ve even heard it right here on my blog. But if this was bad advice I wouldn’t keep giving it. Going on a date night forces you and your partner to see each other as romantic adults and not just parents. It forces you to try to break the rut you’ve been in. It gives you both the opportunity to create something fun in your relationship.

2. Do something adventurous. Humans, as members of the animal kingdom, love predictability and reliability. It helps us know what we can expect in the future and it makes us feel safe. But it also makes for stale marriages. So if you think adventure is dangerous, routine is lethal!

Think back to when you were dating. Your partner was exciting to you (in part) because they were new. They had a different circle of friends. They had different interests than you. They liked different music, etc. But after you’ve been married a while, there’s not a lot that’s new about your partner. Doing something adventurous puts your spouse in a new situation that neither of you have been in. So you get to see each other in new ways you’ve never seen before. And it brings back that sense of dating again.

3. Show more effort. Everyone wants their partner to break the rut their marriage is in. After all, if your partner would just buy you flowers once in a while, or have sex with you more often, your marriage would be better. But don’t wait for your partner to do it. You can make the effort and enjoy the results, too! So send your partner a text, tell them how good they look, dress up a little nicer when you go to work, etc. You’d be surprised how a little effort can go a long way.

I know, some of these tips sound pretty silly. And some of them you’ve heard before. But have you actually tried them? Getting your marriage out of a rut takes effort. If it came naturally, you wouldn’t be in a rut in the first place. Sometimes, there’s no replacement for good old fashioned work. And this is one of those times. Get yourself out of your comfort zone and try at least one of these things. Even if they don’t work, at least it will give you and your spouse some good stories to tell. And if these tips don’t help get your marriage out of a rut, maybe the stories you tell will!

Aaron Anderson Marriage CounselorAbout the Author
Aaron Anderson is a therapist and Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. He is a writer, speaker and relationship expert. He specializes in helping couples overcome stale relationships, sexual difficulties and infidelity. In his spare time (whatever that is) you’ll catch him in his garage restoring his hot rod.

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3 Responses to Get Your Marriage out of That Rut!

  1. I need your advice. I have been married for 18 years and a couple of months ago my husband said that he had fell out of love with me. He said that he was 50% happy and 50% not happy. He said everything is there in the relationship but his feelings. We tried going to marriage counseling but she didn’t do anything for us. Now we are trying to do this ourselves. What can I do to give him fresh love for me.I think I’ve done everything from keeping the house cleaning, dressing up for him to loosing weight. I have a lot more to write but I don’t want to take up a lot space.please help I need your advice.

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