Yes, Your Sex Life Sucks. And It’s Your Fault!

The two most popular posts on this site are about sex. More specifically, the two most popular posts on this site are about complaints people have about their partners in the bedroom. You can see them over on the right side bar. See? But even more, sexual difficulties are some of the most common problems that couples come to see me for in counseling. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sex is vitally important to a healthy marriage. That’s why when your sex life sucks, you feel like your marriage sucks, too.

Your Sexual Frustrations are Your Fault

Problems in Bed (2)Everyone knows that relationships take two. And when it comes to the bedroom this is especially true. After all, you can’t have problems in the bedroom if there’s no one in your bedroom to have problems with! But when problems arise in the bedroom, it’s natural to look at your partner and think about what it is that they’re doing wrong. Maybe they don’t make you feel warm and tingly outside the bedroom so you don’t want to have sex inside the bedroom. Or maybe they don’t enjoy foreplay like you do and if they’d just do oral once in a while then your bedroom would be better. Or maybe if they’d just want to have sex more (or less) then your sexual woes would go away.

Well, the bad news is you’re just as to blame for the problems in the bedroom as your partner is. After all, it does take two. But then, that’s the good news, too, because instead of waiting for your partner to get their act together, you can do things on your own that will begin making the bedroom better. So instead of blaming your partner for your sexual woes it’s best to start with yourself. Here are some common ways that you are contributing to your own sexual frustrations and what you can do to fix them.

Your Contributions To Your Sexual Problems

Begging ForgivenessBeing Too Needy. Nobody likes someone who is too needy, clingy, or insecure. If you’re finding that you can’t make a decision without consulting your spouse first, then this is you. Or if you’re finding that you’re begging for sex all the time then this is you, too. A needy person is unattractive and nobody wants to have sex with them. So stop suffocating your spouse and learn to get by on your own. Yes, your partner should be involved in your life but you need to be able to stand on your own two feet as well.

Too Involved in Other Things. Having hobbies to do and friends to spend time with are a good thing. In fact, they’re even good for your relationship so that your spouse doesn’t feel suffocated. But too much of a good thing is still too much. If you’re finding that you’re spending a lot of time on these hobbies or with these friends, then you need to reinvest yourself in your relationship. The same goes with your kids. It’s easy to focus on your children and make sure they’re having a happy childhood but focusing too much on your kids can and does get in the way of your relationship. It’s okay to focus less on your kids and more on your spouse. Remember, you can’t be a good parent unless you’re being a good spouse.

sexual upset in bedNot Communicating About Sex. In the movies, couples seem to intuitively know what to do in the bedroom. They simultaneously reach for each other, they start kissing, they move their hands to certain places and they both love every bit of it. Well, there’s a reason it all looks so great: the actors are paid to make it look that way. Not to mention, there’s a script telling the actors exactly what to do. But your sex life doesn’t come with a script like they have in the movies. So you and your partner are left to make one up on your own – and this requires communication. So instead of resenting your partner for not doing things you think they know they should do, or not acting like what you see in the movies, talk to them about it. Ask each other questions about what you like. Tell your partner what it is that you like. Make it a nonjudgmental zone and just talk.

The bedroom is a common thing to fight about among couples. But that doesn’t mean you have to. These tips help you take matters into your own hand so you can get your bedroom (and your relationship) going in the right direction again.

Aaron Anderson Marriage Counselor 2 x 3

 

Aaron Anderson is a therapist and Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. He is a writer, speaker and relationship expert. He specializes in working with couples learn to communicate and overcome sexual difficulties.

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