Over time, it’s common to question whether or not you are desirable to your partner. In the beginning of your relationship, you and your partner were crazy about one another. In addition, your partner did things that showed you they were attracted to you. Like in many relationships, this attraction can feel like it fizzles out over time. Ultimately, this causes you to question whether or not you are still desirable to your partner. Your sex life may have decreased, you don’t feel that you and your partner are as passionate as you once were, your partner does not make as many advances towards you, or maybe the spark in the relationship is gone. To re-ignite the desire in your relationship, here are five ways to tell whether or not you are desirable to your partner and what you can do if you are no longer desirable.
1. Do You Still Take Care Of Yourself Physically?
In the beginning of most relationships, couples make efforts to look good for their partner. After all, you want your partner to find you attractive! More times than not, couples eventually stop trying so hard because they get comfortable with their partner. You no longer wear that cologne/perfume, you stop styling your hair, you get comfortable wearing anything, you stop going to the gym as often as you once did, etc. Now, this is not to say that you shouldn’t be comfortable with your partner. It’s important for you and your partner to feel comfortable with each other. However, it is important to show your partner that you want to take care of yourself to look and feel good for them! Take the time to do your hair, dress up for your partner, wear the cologne/perfume that they like, etc. By doing this, your partner will see the effort that you are putting forth for them and they will feel important to you again.
2. Do You Still Take Care Of Yourself Emotionally?
It is important for everyone to have some sort of self-care routine to take care of themselves emotionally. Before getting into a relationship, you were likely doing more self-care things by spending time with your friends, doing activities that you enjoy, etc. What are you doing currently to take care for yourself emotionally? Because your partner notices if you aren’t. Many couples come to therapy with the idea that since they are in a relationship, they need to spend all of their time together, enjoy all of the same things, and be inseparable. Now, it is good to have shared interests with your partner, but it is also important for you to be your own person. It’s difficult to take care of your relationship if you are not taking care of yourself. By taking care of yourself emotionally, you will be able to respond to stressful/difficult situations better, be more receptive to your partner, and feel more fulfilled personally. All of these attributes will make you way more desirable to your partner!
3. Are You Always Complaining To Your Partner?
Does your partner hear about the good? Or, do you tend to point out the bad and complain to them? More often than not, couples come to therapy to discuss the bad times in their relationship and struggle to identify the good. Although it is important to talk about the bad times in your relationship to work towards resolutions, it is also important for you and your partner to hear that there are GOOD things about them and your relationship. If your partner only hears the bad, they will feel undesirable to you. Also, you will be less desirable to them since you only think of the bad. Start focusing on the positives in your partner. For every complaint, identify at least five other strengths that day. Moreover, don’t complain to your partner when they first get home from work, had a long day, etc. Be understanding of your partner’s stress and consider how you would like to be told if something were wrong. Being understanding and having more of a positive focus will greatly increase your desirability.
4. Do You Prioritize Your Partner?
When you and your partner first got into a relationship, you wanted to spend a majority of your time with your partner and you prioritized them. Essentially, you made an effort to spend time with them or talk to them as often as you could. What about now? Do you prioritize your partner? Or, do you prioritize other people, hobbies, work, money, etc? If you are prioritizing other things above your partner, your partner notices this. In order for your partner to desire you, you have to make them a priority! You can still tend to those other interests, but your connection to your partner should come first. Show them that you are attracted to them, that you want to spend time with them, and that you are willing to be there for them opposed to being elsewhere.
5. Do You Take Responsibility For Your Actions?
There are two sides to every story, and it takes two people to fight/argue. When you and your partner have a disagreement, do you take responsibility for your part? If you mess up (which we all do), do you admit to your wrong doings? Being able to take responsibility for your actions is a desirable quality to your partner. Your partner doesn’t want to feel as if you are always trying to get out of the “hot seat” or put the blame on them. They want to know that you respect them enough to take responsibility for your part in the relationship. Once you start doing this, conflicts will become much easier to resolve and your partner will desire you for taking responsibility for your actions in the relationship.
So, now that you have read this article, think about ways that you could try to become more desirable to your partner. Which of these five areas have faded away? Once you take actions to take care of yourself physically and emotionally, complain less, prioritize your partner, and take personal responsibility for your actions, you will start to become more desirable to your partner!
Amanda Cummins is an associate therapist with The Marriage and Family Clinic. She focuses on working with couples in distress as well as families and children in transitions. As a Denver Native, Amanda enjoys hiking, yoga, and spending time with her family.